Torn Between Two Lovers

Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules
 

You mustn't think you've failed me
Just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said
I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you

I've been home from work today, not feeling all that great.

I slept most of the morning away and then decided to go see a doctor.  He diagnosed it as an upper respiratory infection.  But, between you and me, I have a feeling it's probably much more.  I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown.   I've been working two jobs for several months, sometimes working 7 days a week, averaging about 75 hours combined for both jobs per week.  I live alone and have no significant other, so that means I have to be pretty self-sufficient.  I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and household chores.  There's no one to talk to at the end of the day to decompress.  No one to take care of me when I don't feel well. No one to check on me or offer to help me.  I'm a tough broad.  I don't always want to be tough, but I have no choice.

So, I think this illness is probably a combination of wearing  myself thin and illness.  I've been worrying about money, about work, about love, about friendship, my health, my weight, the holidays, etc.  Alone.  Worry, worry, worry.   I saw a blurb on someone's status today that said, "When you ask me if I'm okay and I tell you that I am, I sometimes wish you'd look me in the eyes and say "No, you aren't.""  I feel that way sometimes.

But, I don't like to show weakness and to be honest, I'm not sure there's anyone in my life who has the time to be strong for me or with me, if I showed my weakness.  At least, not anyone who can be here in 10 minutes or less if I feel like shoving my head in the oven and need someone to talk me out of it.  (Don't worry - the oven is electric.  All I'd do is burn myself.)

I digress.  I mentioned yesterday that I found some "confession" message boards.  I've spent most of the afternoon like a voyeur reading these confession message boards.  I know I said I wasn't going to reveal them here but some of them are pretty interesting -- in a morbid "drive by the accident and slow down hoping to see blood" way.   

I'm going to list a few I keep going back to read, to see if there is anything new posted.  A lot of the posts are whiny and full of bad grammar and spelling, but every now and then, there will be one that makes me nod my head or makes me want to find the person and talk to him/her.  I'm not going to tell which one, if any of these, is the one where I bared my soul yesterday.  I tried to keep my confessions vague and after reading some of these confessions, I've discovered that I'm not exactly alone in the things I'm feeling and thinking.  I just, in my opinion, articulate them better.  No names.  No profanity.  No gender-specific terms to give myself away.  If you find my confessions, bravo!  But, I probably won't own up to them.

http://www.secret-confessions.com/

http://grouphug.us/

http://www.truuconfessions.com/

http://www.confess-it.com/

http://www.postsecret.com/

On one of the sites, in the archives, I found a common theme -  being in love with two people at the same time.  There are a lot of confused people out there who fancy themselves in love with multiple people and unable (and/or unwilling) to choose just one.

This made me do some thinking.  Is it possible to love more than one person at the same time?  Truly love?  Without bias and while doing it fairly?

How in the heck is that possible?

I can't imagine being able to do it.  I'm a one-man woman.  When I fall for someone, that someone is all I can focus on.  I don't want anyone else.  In fact, I was looking at some photos the other day of men I've loved in my past and I thought it was eye-opening for me that now, looking at them, if I had passed any of them on the street today, I probably wouldn't even give them a second glance.  They are quite ordinary in appearance and not at all like the "hunka hunka burning love" types I joke about wanting.  Not to say I'm shallow or that they are unattractive.  It's just that it was their personalities, as cliche as that sounds, that made me fall in love with them.  And when I was in love with them, they were the most attractive men I knew.

That being said, I often wonder "who" I missed out on by being so narrowly focused on one person.  Maybe the person who is capable of loving two different people at the same time is on to something.  Or -- are they in love with two people who are similar and that is why it is so hard to choose?  How do they decide who they spend time with?  Do the people know about each other?  

Do you think it is possible?  Or is it a case of having your cake and wanting to eat it... and having a pie and wanting to eat it, too?

If someone were in love with someone else AND in love with me, I don't know how I'd feel about that.  I'd wonder if I wasn't giving him something that the other person was and I'd also wonder if there would be a day when he'd choose one of us and feel like I was in a competition.  I don't do well with competition.  I always back down.  Old ghosts and insecurities.  I just don't want to have to fight anyone for someone's heart.  I'm either the first and only choice or no choice.  On the other hand, if I were in love with two men, I think I'd want one of them to try to win me over and convince me that he is the one I want and need above everyone else.

Ahhh, matters of the heart.  Too complicated.  

Still, compared to what I have now (no one), I guess having two to choose from would not be a bad thing.  

I'd rather have two apples to pick from than no apples to pick from.