Shock/Denial/Anger/Acceptance

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Yeah, this blog has absolutely nothing to do with being replaced by someone.  However, it is about anger and whenever I think of angry songs, I'm always drawn to this part of the song and how great it feels to say the "F" word right along with her in the song, like you are right there, feeling that frustration she feels...  ah, Alanis, I bow down to you.

That said - someone pissed me off today.   Soon after, I realized that I have my own "stages" of coping with things.

We've all heard about the 7 stages of grief ... or coping... or whatever.  Shock, Denial, Anger, Acceptance, etc.  (This is also the name of a Rick Springfield album.)

I realized that whenever I have a set back of some sort, I go through phases, too.

Mine are self-pity, depression, anger and change.

First, I feel sorry for myself.  I wallow.  Wallow, wallow, wallow.  Woe is me.   I cry.  I curse.  I blame myself.  I cry some more.  I don't understand why bad things happen to me.  I don't want to talk to anyone or be with anyone.  I want to lie in bed and listen to sappy sad songs and just cease to exist for awhile.

Then, I get depressed.  Darkly depressed.  I start to imagine that there is no hope and that no one cares.  I can't really cry anymore and sad songs don't faze me anymore.  I lose self esteem and motivation.  I just want to sleep.  And eat.  Sleep, daydream, fantasize and eat.  I start to shutdown emotionally and physically.  Nothing appeals to me except for avoiding life.  I wish more people understood me and how I felt.  I wish the people causing me harm truly knew how much they were hurting me.

Next, I start to get mad.  Usually one of the people or things which started the spiral downward will do something to totally piss me off.  A comment.  An action.  I start to see people in a different light and through different eyes.  I wonder if maybe it isn't "me" who is the bad guy and that maybe they are the fucktards with issues.  I start to fume and boil.  I plot ways in my head to show them up, to make them regret the day they crossed me.

Finally, I take action.  I make a change.  A hair cut.  A new job.  A new home.  Something. Anything.  I decide that I'm tired of being sad and tired of letting whomever it is that made me sad have power over me.  I shake them off and the bad feelings that come with them.  I move on.  Their loss.

Now, sometimes, it takes awhile to make it through these changes.  I went through a period a few years back where stages 1 and 2 lasted for about two years.  Then, sometimes, it's just a matter of weeks.

Right now, I'm a little ticked off.  Mad that someone I thought was a friend isn't being quite as "friend-like" as I'd like them to be.  A little wary.  A lot suspicious.  Now, I know anger is a useless emotion, too.  It's no healthier than being sad and depressed.  However, the positive is that soon -- I hope soon -- that anger will turn into some sort of motivating factor and I will spring forward and re-energize myself and motivate myself to do greater things.  Better things.

So, viva the "F" word.  Viva "go to hell" lists.  Viva not giving a damn.