A Beautiful Mess

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man
And lift him back up again

You are strong but you're needy, humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language and shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless
Well, I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

I have been in a funky mood for over a month now.  I keep trying to shake it but it just won't go away.  I will have a good day then three crappy ones.  Another good day, then two crappy ones.  I want one week of good days.  Then, another and another.  I'd also like a winning lottery ticket.

I am the master of my destiny.  I am the controller of my emotions.  Why is it so hard to get back on track?

Six months ago, I had a decision to make.  I didn't really tell anyone about the decision but I made the decision and thought I had made the right decision. I had no regrets until recently.

The summer itself wasn't so bad.  I liked my job.  I made a new friend at work who made work fun and who seemed to have the same thoughts and feelings about work, friendship, relationships and life.  It was nice to have someone to talk to while I worked and someone who could help me conquer those mundane days with silliness.  Sadly, it didn't last.  But, it was fun for awhile.  I was going to the gym regularly.  I was losing weight.  I made some other friends.  I was fairly active and feeling good about things. I was making some money on my part time job.  I discovered I liked beer.  Really liked beer.  Saw some good movies.  Bought some new clothing.

Then, summer ended and things sort of went south.  Had some trouble with a close friend.  Stopped having fun at work.  Spent money I shouldn't have spent in Vegas.  Hours stopped being regular at the part time job. Realized I was sort of falling for someone I can't have.  Blah blah blah blah.

Now, there were a few bright spots.  The Jason Mraz concert was fantastic.  I enjoyed my trip to the DC area for a cooking show.

Every year, around this time, I start to get depressed.  I can usually just crawl into a hole and ride it out.  However, this year, I have a job that requires me to be "on" 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I can't crawl into a hole.  I can't just sit in a cubicle, do my job and avoid people.  I think it is magnifying my mood 100 times over because I honestly don't feel like dealing with people, talking to them, etc.

But, I'm trying.  Every day, I try a little harder.  

I was reading an article earlier that said when you feel like shit, you should make a list of all of the great things about yourself and read it over and over until you start to feel the words and feel better about yourself.

So....  hmmmm.....  let's try this.

I am smart.

I am witty.

I am creative.

I am a fantastic fur mommy.

I am giving.

I am a good cook.

I can usually find something humorous in even the most mundane things.

I am a good writer.

I am a quick learner.

I am reliable.

I am dependable.

I am loyal.

I don't tell secrets.

I don't like drama.

I am neat and tidy.

I am hard working.

I have vivid dreams.

When I fall in love, it's 100%.

I like to surprise people with gifts, cards, notes -- little things that say I love you.

I have a great memory.

I have an open mind.

I like to try new things.

I am not high maintenance.

I tend to give everyone second and third chances.

I have a bunch of interesting stories from life that I can usually work into life lessons.

I don't believe in lying or bullshiting.

I don't believe in being manipulative.

Having good friends and strong relationships are more important to me than money.

If I do win the lottery, I will be very generous because I can't imagine not sharing it with everyone I care about.

I am a problem solver.

I usually handle change fairly well.

I know what is important in life and when I die, I don't want "She worked 60 hours a day" on my tombstone.

I like animals.

I like kids.

Kids like me.

Animals like me.

I am nurturing and have maternal tendencies.

I don't mind 3:00 a.m. calls.

I am the kind of person who would drop everything for a person if he/she needed me.

I like to be needed.

I like to have fun.

I also like to just be alone and watch television, movies or read.

I am curious.

I am real.

I am genuine.

I am quirky at times.

I like having curves.

I have pretty eyes.

I have a nice smile.

I am a sharer.

You can trust me.

I am a good listener.

I am usually optimistic.

I am usually perky.

I tend to see the "silver lining" in things.

I am me.