Dirty Laundry

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry

We can do "The Innuendo"
We can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
We all know that Crap is King
Give us dirty laundry!

I have over 200 friends on Facebook and I'm always amazed to discover that at least once a day, one of them (sometimes, more than one of them and sometimes, more than once per day), will post something negative or insulting about his/her partner, significant other, spouse, date, and/or potential date.

They just put it all out there.  For the whole world to see.  Including the person who is the source of their grief.

I know I'm prone to TMI but I am not the sort of person who will openly bash someone in a public forum just to try to make a point, or hope that they will stumble upon my words and feel inclined to respond.  I am far more subtle and crafty with my ways.  And, to be honest, lately, I've been more inclined to just take it up with the person directly instead of beating around the bush.  Innuendo, hints, vagueness...  they don't work.  Especially not with men.

Personally, I don't understand this need to put out there for everyone to see that you are upset or insecure about your partner.  If I were in a relationship with someone and he posted on his wall comments that made fun of me, insulted me, mocked me or told the world about some bad habit I have, I'd be looking for a new partner.  It's just not appropriate.  It's also not very mature.   I feel like I'm reading some dysfunctional diary when I click my "newsfeed" and see posts like:

"Told the bastard that I wanted to go to dinner.  He chose his friends."

"If you don't love me, then leave me, a$$hole.  I'm tired of your attitude."

"My husband is an idiot.  But I love him."

"If you loved me, you'd call me."

"Despite all of his issues, I still love my boyfriend."

Yes, these are some of the posts I've seen in the past week.  I cleaned up spelling, grammar, and language in some cases and took creative liberty with the exact words to protect the posters in the event they read this blog.  However, the sentiment is the same.  Negativity.  How can a relationship survive such negativity?  Why is there a compulsion to put this on a public forum?  I find myself feeling sorry for the poor soul who is the brunt of this pain.

I have a friend who is going through a nasty divorce and she has not blocked or unfriended her soon-to-be ex-husband.  Every day, there is some sort of "attack" on her wall about him and every other day, there is some sort of vitriolic response from him.  I had to block her posts because I couldn't stand how it was making me like her less, reading these nasty things.  There are children involved and I just hope that the two people are acting more mature in front of the children because I know first-hand what it is like to be stuck listening to two people who hate each other fight with each other constantly.  After awhile, you start to wonder if it's something you've done and depending on your age when you witness it, it can totally mess up your own approach to relationships and "happily ever after."

I guess I just believe there is a time and place for these things and a public forum like Facebook isn't it.  I rarely see the "Oh, I love my boyfriend/spouse/partner..." posts.  It's always something negative.  And not in a funny "Oh, that Bill, he accidentally mowed right through my garden again..." nyuck nuck way.  (shrug)  Makes me wonder how long the relationship will last.  Also makes me thankful that I don't act that way. Makes me sad that someone like me, who would treat a man I loved well, can't have someone when these mean people seem to have no problem finding people to frequently demean.

Earlier this week, I was talking to a male friend about the crazy things women do to get attention from their men -- from texting 100+ times a day, posting and tagging frequently on their FB walls, to publicly bashing...

His response was that he has the approach that every woman (and man) has some degree of crazy. He said that when he enters into a relationship with someone, he makes the decision about what kind of/degree of crazy he's willing to put up with.  I'd love to argue with him that it's a cynical stance to have and that not every woman is crazy (mostly to comfort myself, too) but the reality is -- I agree with him.

I've seen it day after day on Facebook.  Cheating men, lying women, lazy spouses, inconsiderate girlfriends, epic fails, bitchiness, cattiness...  It's exhausting.  And I'm not even the one in the relationship with these people.

All week, I've been trying to think about what my "crazy" is -- in the relationship sense.  Lord knows, I have many other degrees of crazy in other aspects of my life.

I'm fairly independent and as long as I feel confident that I can trust my partner, I'm not particularly clingy.  So, that's not my crazy.

I only use my cell phone to communicate when all other methods have failed and/or when I don't need an immediate response... so frequent texting and harassing isn't my crazy.

I don't feel the need to put out there on FB for everyone to read the exact angst I feel about a specific person, so that's not my crazy.  I've slipped a couple of times on there and on here and came close to bashing a specific person, but then deleted those posts/blogs because in all reality, that's not who I am.  I don't need the public sympathy and attention.  "Oh, poor Bev, he sounds like a loser...."  I'm not a mean person down deep.  So, that's not my crazy.

My kind of crazy, I realized, is that I get bored.  Quickly and easily.  Once I get past the initial "honeymoon" phase where I am attracted to everything he says and does, down to how he ties his shoes, I start to lose interest and try to provoke him into entertaining me, into making it more interesting for me.  As a new hire called it this week, it's the "Dance, monkey, dance!" syndrome.  I expect the guy to magically be more interesting and make everything feel new again.  And if he fails, I start to look elsewhere.  Or I go overboard trying to come up with all sorts of fun and exciting things for us/him to do to try to put spark and magic into the relationship.  Instead of accepting the "easy comfort" of being with someone you know well and who knows you well, I find myself thinking, "Oh God, I'm going to have to laugh at those jokes and watch Star Trek reruns for the rest of my life!" while worrying that he's thinking, "Oh God, I'm going to have to listen to her ramble on about how much she loved LOST and all of her friend issues for the rest of my life!"

I was telling some of my new hires during a break about this "crazy theory" this past week and the guy who jokingly said I'd be telling my boyfriend "Dance, monkey, dance" said that I just had to find someone who is very mysterious and who doesn't easily give up things about themselves so that I can drag out the honeymoon phase as long as possible and then, maybe, by then I'll have gotten frustrated by how long it was taking to get to know the person and realize that "boredom" is better than pulling teeth.

Still, I kinda like the idea of being able to look a guy in the eyes and say, "Dance, monkey, dance!"

It could lead to so many other verbs.  And being called a monkey isn't necessarily a bad thing.