Games People Play

Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now
Never saying what they mean

Games People Play

I don't like to play "games" with people.  Emotional games. Mind games.

I grew up with a mother who loved to play mind games, emotional games.  It exhausted me.  Everything had an ulterior motive.  Nothing made her happy.  She was really good at making you feel guilty about not making her happy and she wasn't happy unless she was making other people miserable.  She would hint about things and never tell you outright what she wanted or was feeling or thinking until AFTER she was disappointed and hurt.

Birthdays, Mother's Day and Christmas were pure hell because you'd try to get her what she wanted but it was never exactly right.  She'd hint for weeks about a purse.  But, then whatever purse we bought wasn't THE purse she wanted. My dad would always tell her to just tell us what she wanted but then she'd get mad and tell us that if she had to tell us, it wasn't special or a surprise.  I dreaded her reactions to things.

Now, I send cards with cash and/or a gift card and then call her 5 minutes before one of her "shows" is about to come on so that I don't have to listen to her gripe for hours about what she did or didn't get.  I never get a thank you.  I always get to hear about what everyone else didn't do for her.  

She's a sad, miserable woman and I worry that I'll become her some day.

I don't believe in playing mind games.  I tend to be a pretty straight forward person.  If you ask me for ideas for what to get me for my birthday or Christmas, I'll give you some ideas.  Sure, I'd love to be surprised, too, and hope that you know me well enough by now to know what I do and don't like and what will please me.  If you ask me what I'm thinking or feeling, I'll tell you.  What you see is what you get. Sometimes, I'll tell you even if you didn't ask. :)

If you don't know me by now... (Hmmmmm, now I have that song stuck in my head... oh and this one too.)

However, there is something that I have caught myself doing that could push the envelope on game-playing.  I test people.  As in, I create situations to see how they react to gauge how well they know me or how well they are listening to me.  I just realized a few weeks ago that I do it.  I've noticed that I usually do it when my insecurities are surfacing or when I feel out of sorts about things or where I stand with people.

I'll tell a friend about a huge deadline, project or other important thing and then as that date nears, I wonder in the back of my head if they'll remember it and say something.  

You see, I'm the kind of person who remembers just about everything that people I care about tell me.  Sometimes, I pretend I'm not paying attention but the reality is that I have a memory like an elephant and can oftentimes recall word for word, entire conversations.  Right down to who was wearing what.  It's just this quirky Sheldon-esque thing I do. (Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory reference.)  

At my last job, I used to be called upon on many occasions to settle bets and clear up things that were and were not said during meetings or lunch.  I've been a good addition to many a trivia game.  Just today, my boss commented that she was amazed that I could recite entire passages from movies when she can barely remember what she wore on Monday. 

I digress.  Because I do pay attention to such minutia, I hope others are as keen and detail-oriented about me.  I make it a priority to check in on my friends and make sure that their deadlines, special projects and important things turned out fine, even if it makes them uncomfortable to talk about it.  I care.  I listen.

So, I don't know if it's because I've been feeling a little insecure about friendships lately... or lonely... or because there's just not enough drama in my life...  but I've been dropping little (and not so little) nuggets into conversations, IMs, emails, posts, my blog, phone calls, texts, etc about things going on in my life to see if people respond.  To see if people are paying attention.  To see if people give a f*ck.

I've been kind of disappointed, to be honest.

I know everyone is busy.  I know people are tired.  I know there are tons of other things going on in the world.  However, if I have to tell anyone one more time when my birthday is (especially after I've been counting down to it for over a month now) or when I leave for Vegas (again, I've been counting down), I may just scream.  

Remember how I posted about feeling invisible sometimes?  This isn't helping.

I think this is why I'd like to have someone read my mind.

It hurts.  And it makes me want to be less of a friend.

It also makes me look long and hard in the mirror and wonder how long until I start leaving Target ads lying around with purses circled, or coupons for Ponderosa on the kitchen table, or cut letters out of magazines and leave random notes in various places telling people what I want, how I feel, who I am.

Luckily, my doctor prescribed some nice white pills to calm me down if I ever feel like throwing a tantrum...

Now I'm going to bed.  No, you don't need to remember that.  I won't expect you to call me and tell me good night or offer to tuck me in.

You're off the hook.  For now.