What Doesn't Kill You

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Today was a good day.  I haven't had many lately and I am celebrating the fact that I shook off this cloud of sadness and restlessness that has been following me around for the past three weeks.

It started way before three weeks ago (see the "Things Happen for a Reason" blog).  Started with losing my part time job and discovering I owe Uncle Sam and the State of Virginia money this tax season.  I knew I would.  I just didn't think I wouldn't have a part time job to pay for them.  Paying them will pretty much wipe out my savings. So, I've been stressing about money.  A lot. A lot.  A lot.

First, I put these ads on my blog using a service recommended by Blogger.  Only, there was some glitch and the ads were creating way more revenue for me that they should have.  The service cited me for Terms of Service violation and yanked my ad privileges.  They alleged that someone (I think they thought it was me) was using a robo-clicker to click the ads over and over and over.  This just wasn't true.  I was over $100 at the time the ad service was yanked.  I had been planning on using that money to rebuild my savings.  It was gone in an instant.  I was angry and frustrated.

Then, in a moment of weakness, I called my mom to see if she could lend me the money.  Instead, I got subjected to an hour of venting about my brother.

Then, I applied for a couple of work at home jobs and didn't get any sort of response.

Then, I created a profile on LivePerson.  To date, I've had one customer and have made $20.  

Then, a friend sent me some Tarot cards to practice and possibly create a work at home business doing readings.  I've been "practicing" but I don't feel comfortable enough with my analysis of the cards yet to even think of charging people money.

Then, I looked in retail but the stores I went to wanted people with more availability than what I have.

I even filled out an online application to be a "phone actress".  (Phone Sex)  Didn't get a call back. I think I would have been good at that one. :) 

Found another ad service for my blog but it doesn't seem to appeal to my audience like the other ad service.

Recently, I attempted to sell plasma to make some money.  I waited 45 minutes, let them take some blood for labwork and answered over 30 questions about my sex life and recreational drug use.  (How many times can a person say "I don't have sex or take drugs"?)  Then, I got rejected because they didn't have a BP cuff big enough for my arm.  Seriously?  There was a guy in the waiting room before me who was much larger and I didn't see him get walked out.  I think the tech was lazy.  Before I walked into her cubicle, she was complaining about how she had to work through break because there were so many people in the waiting room.  Someone told her she could go as soon as she was done with her next patient, which just happened to be me.  I think she didn't go look for a bigger cuff because she was craving some "King". (Burger King, I'm assuming.)  I asked for a manager, but there wasn't one on duty.

That was my last ditch effort.  I know money isn't supposed to buy happiness but when you're short, it definitely puts a damper on your happiness.  I've been using credit cards to put gas in my car and buy groceries, trying to keep as much money in savings as possible to pay my taxes.  I'm going to wait until the last minute, too.

I've been trying my best to keep it to myself.  It's been eating me up inside.  I can't sleep.  I keep thinking about money.  No one wants to hear about another person's money problems.  It's not something that is easily solved.

I've also discovered that I have some pretty strong empathetic tendencies around people in my life.  I've been picking up their stress levels, their bad moods, their sad moods... and I've been absolutely worn out.  I used to be able to block it and filter it, but I don't know if my "immunity" is weakened because I've been stressed out myself, but I walk into work and within 15 minutes of being there, someone else's bad mood has tainted me.  I have been trying so hard to shake it off, but I care about some of the people I work with and their pain becomes my pain.  Their angst becomes my angst.  I care for them but I need to make sure I don't make their feelings my feelings.  No one wins if we're all miserable.  I like being bubbly and positive.  I want to be the one who can shed bright light and warmth on situations instead of encouraging wallowing.  I've been encouraging wallowing, sadly.

On Thursday, I made a concentrated effort to be perkier and to not engage in any sort of negative situations or invite people's problems into my head and heart and I was ok.  I continued this on Friday and had similar ok results.  Although, the weather was battling me on Friday and I had the worst sinus/sick headache when I walked out the door.

I also made up my mind last night about a member of the opposite sex who has had my heart and emotions in knots. I've decided to just let my feelings fade. It's too much work and love is not supposed to be so much work. I slept like a baby for the first time in ages.

Before I fell asleep, I said a prayer to the powers that be and sort of said, "Look, I get it.  I am not the strong person I think I am and I cannot fix everyone.  My love and support is not enough.  I get it.  I am leaving it all up to you to see me through this."

I don't consider myself a particularly religious person.  I do consider myself a spiritual and intuitive person.  As soon as I said the words out loud that I sort of give up, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I fell asleep early and slept soundly all night, waking up early and raring to go.

I withdrew $100 from my savings account this morning and gave myself permission to have a mental health day of sorts.  I went to the gym.  I got a pedicure.  I picked a color I've never tried before.  I then got my eyebrows waxed and my hair trimmed.  Then, I came home and watched television and did laundry.  I tried to take a nap but couldn't sleep.  I was still too wired.  So, I spot cleaned my carpets in the living room and watched more television.  I also played with Abby and put together my new Dyson vacuum cleaner.  I got it from HSN on super flex pay.  $75 a month for 6 months on their credit card.  Abby's fur has killed 4 "inexpensive" vacuum cleaners in the past year.  I calculated that I am spending about $300 a year on cheap vacuums.  The Dyson is expensive but it allegedly does not lose suction and has a 5 year warranty. I'm excited about using it tomorrow.  It's too late to use it tonight.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a Home and Garden Show with a friend.  I have neither home nor garden but I enjoy going and daydreaming.  

I'm taking back my life and letting things happen however they are meant to happen.  I'll pay the taxes and scrimp on my spending until I can find a way to rebuild my savings.  I'll stop overanalyzing my relationships with men and worrying about why they don't want me the way I want them.  I'll give eHarmony a fair shake.

I'll go back to the gym again on a regular basis.  I'll keep doing my weight loss plan.

I've lost 21.6 pounds since January.  I've been battling with the same 2-3 lbs for the past month.  I lose them.  I gain them back.  I lose them.  I gain them back.  I hope to kick them in the butt soon and lose them and many more of their little friends soon.  I'd like to be down a total of 50 lbs before my high school reunion in August.

So, Nietzche once wrote: What does not kill me, makes me stronger.

Kelly Clarkson turned it into a song.

Soon, I shall be so strong I'll be able to lift cars with my bare hands.

Until then, I'll just sing along with Kelly and be happy with what I am accomplishing, day by day.