Waiting For A Star To Fall

I've learned to feel what I cannot see
But with you I lose that vision
I don't know how to dream your dream
So I'm all caught up in superstition
I want to reach out and pull you to me
Who says I should let a wild one go free

Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
But I can't love you this much baby
And love you from this far

Waiting for a star to fall
And carry your heart into my arms
That's where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah

I was on the elliptical this morning at the gym (yes, I've returned!) listening to "Stuck Like Glue" by Sugarland on my MP3 player when all of a sudden, the above song (from the 80s) jumped into my head and overwrote "Stuck Like Glue".  I pulled my earbuds out and allowed my brain its little musical walk down memory lane.  I had been thinking about someone prior to the song jumping into my head, thinking about something I said to someone last night about this other someone.  She and I had been texting about someone in my life who gives me mixed signals and how absolutely frustrating it is.  My last text to her before I went to bed was that I would probably crap my pants if this person ever called my bluff and showed an interest in me.  I turned off my phone and went to bed.

If you are someone who reads my blog on a regular basis, you have probably noticed two trends in my relationship-themed blogs.  1)  I tend to fall for men who don't feel the same for me. 2) I don't seem to think I currently (or ever did) possess the skills, talents and physical attributes to attract the "right" sort of man.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I've come to a kind of "duh" realization with myself.  I purposely fall for men I can't have.  Yes, I said PURPOSELY.  I think there's a part of me that can sense which men I meet might take me seriously and which men won't -- and I hone in on those who won't.  I become attracted to them.  I obsess over them.  I eventually fall for them.  I get to enjoy the ups and downs of crushing, infatuating, fantasizing, daydreaming and falling for them.  I never have to take it to the next level.  I never have to risk myself or my heart.  They will never return the feelings so I get to put the blame on them.  It's all their fault.  They don't want me.  They don't realize what a good thing they have.  They'll regret not growing a set of balls and falling for me the way I fell for them.  

I get to daydream about them coming to their senses and wishing they had done something while they "had" me in their lives.  In my daydreams, there's usually some big catalyst -- like I start to see someone else, or I mention moving away, or ... (insert any life-changing event here.)  They then realize they can't live without me, confess their love and we live happily ever after, surrounded by glitter and unicorns, Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, the Muppets and every other magical, mythical being you can think of. 

It all started about a month ago with me telling someone something about someone else and the person saying, "I think you're in love with ...."  I laughed.  Loudly.  Nervously.  I denied it.  I hardly know this person's soul. The person hardly knows my soul.  We know each other as friends, but we've never had any sort of late-night bare our souls kind of discussion, which I normally need to fall in love.  How could I be in love with this person?

But, as the days passed, I realized I did have feelings. Not "L" feelings, but there were some borderline could-be romantic if I allowed them feelings.  How in the world did that happen?  I've known the person for awhile.  We talk a lot.  We like each other.  I enjoy hanging out with the person.  I've entertained a few crush-like moments here and there but then I quickly squashed them in order to preserve the friendship.

The person is not in any way, shape or form available to me. He's not interested in me.

I've done it again.  I've repeated yet another cycle.  I've purposely allowed myself to become attached and attracted to someone I can't have.

It's safe.  I don't have to worry that he's going to suddenly wake up and want me.  He won't.  I know that. Now, it doesn't stop me from daydreaming on occasion. Daydreaming is safe.

All of my big talk about wanting happily ever after....  is it a lie?

If I really want it, wouldn't I go after men I could have and block those I can't?

Someone recently told me that they know someone who would "do" me if I gave him half the attention I gave other people in my life.  Now, this made me chuckle because I've never had anyone want to "do" me.  Ever.  I am not interested in the potential "doer".  He's a nice guy, but too slick, too playerish, too just not what I want.  Plus, to be honest, I don't find being "did" all that romantic.  Nice to know I have options, though, if I ever reach the point of just needing to be "done".  (See my blog about one night stands.)

The thought of someone actually wanting me scares the bejeebers out of me.  I'd have to put my money where my mouth is.  I'd have to actually, gasp, have a real relationship with someone.  I'd have to take a risk.  I'd have to give my heart and soul to someone and risk having them handed back to me.

I think subconsciously this is why I suddenly stopped going to the gym.  I keep joking about getting fierce and having guys notice me.  I've been wearing make up and sexier bras (not that they can see them.)  I've been working on my attitude.  

Well, it was kind of working. Maybe. I think.  

I made eye contact with this guy at the gym a couple of weeks ago and he smiled at me.  At first, I did one of those over the shoulder things to see if he was smiling at someone else.  Nope.  No one behind me.  I smiled back.  What the heck, right?  I'm a nice person.  Then, he started to walk towards me and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up.  A fairly normal looking guy was walking towards me. Me. Not the size two three machines over. I bolted.  I grabbed my towel, my water bottle and went to the locker room.

Now, he could have been coming up to me to tell me something about working out.  He could have been yet another gay man, married man, engaged man, emotionally fucked up man, etc who sensed I could be his buddy and wanted to hang out.  But, I didn't even stick around to find out. I've been nervous about going back because I don't know what I'd do if a real, honest to goodness available straight man actually seemed interested in me.

I have since gone back and have not seen him.  Part of me is relieved and another part of me is disappointed.

Do I have the courage to actually follow through on my threats of becoming fierce and becoming a force to be reckoned with?

Do I have the skills to be happy and successful in a relationship?

Maybe it's just safer to stay the way I am and keep meeting and falling for guys I can't have.

Safe is good, right?

Can't get hurt from a falling star if I don't put myself in the universe.