Think Good Thoughts

I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble

When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be

I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

At the beginning of every flight I've ever taken, a flight attendant always reminds everyone of their emergency options in the event of a crash or other emergency.  I'm usually fidgeting in my seat, adjusting the seat belt, getting comfortable, sending a mental wish that the person next to me will not be some freak who will annoy me for the duration of the flight, etc.  Sometimes, I check out the Sky Mall catalog and think of how once I win the lottery, I'm going  to buy one of everything in the catalog just so I can tell people I have everything from the Sky Mall catalog. 

I've flown so many times that I could probably do the demonstration right along with the flight attendant.  In fact, when I do new hire training, I sometimes do a joke about "emergency exits" and things like that just to be funny.  I even have the hand gestures down pat for referring to the fore cabin and aft cabin.  Ahhh, maybe I missed my calling.

Part of the demonstration always states: "In the event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the panel above your head.  If you are traveling with someone who may need assistance, please secure your own oxygen mask before securing that of your companion..."

Makes sense, right?  You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. How often do we, as women, actually do that in our lives though?

Last night, I went out for drinks after work with a lady I work with.  She's someone I know casually.  We see each other every day in the hallway and always say hello to each other.  She tells me she thinks I'm funny and positive and enjoys being around me.  So, she's trying to get out more and invited me to drinks because she thought I'd be fun to hang out with.  It was a nice compliment.  I'm trying to make new friends and get out more as well so it seemed like a win-win for me.  The only hindrance is my current financial status.  She said she'd buy the first round.  I shook my piggy bank and was able to come up with $30 in quarters that I deposited into my checking account to cover the rest, in the event I needed it.  Yeah, my money state has come to that.  But, this blog is not about money.  It's about positive thinking and trying to make positive change happen.

My friend was late.  I had some time to sit in my pollen covered truck in the parking lot of the bar while I waited for her.  I was listening to Colbie Caillat's latest CD and usually, I only listen to the first three tracks (Brighter Than The Sun, I Do and Before I Let You Go) and then get a little depressed and turn off the CD and look for something else.  Brighter Than The Sun is a great great song about meeting that one person who fills your life with light.  I think of a friend of mine who recently met someone like that when I hear the song.  I'm waiting for my light in shining armor. I Do is about giving up emotional baggage about commitment and allowing yourself to fall head over heels in love, to the point where you want to say "I Do" forever. FOREVER.  Before I Let You Go is about a woman who is love with a man who is stuck with someone he doesn't love, yet keeps seeking out the woman who is in love with him for peace, happiness and comfort.  The song is about the first woman's ultimatum to the man that she's giving up on him for being stuck in his old life and refusing to see what he has right in front of his eyes.  I'm sort of in that situation.  Sort of.  So, after this song plays, I usually feel kind of shitty about my life and how I let myself get sucked into situations where I do everything for someone out of "love" only to have him move on to someone who doesn't or won't ever treat him as well as I do.

Yesterday, however, I did not eject the CD and wallow in self pity.  I listened to the rest of the CD and came across a ditty called Think Good Thoughts. I listened to the lyrics and it felt like she was talking about me.  I've quoted the entire song above.  I've been in such a bad mood lately.  Frustrated with everything and everyone.  Frustrated with the guy who doesn't give me the same amount of attention that I give him.  Frustrated with platitudes from people who don't quite understand how absolutely petrified I am about my money situation.  Frustrated with the weight loss and exercise plan I don't feel like doing anymore.  Depressed about how bored I am with my job but too scared to take a leap and look for something else because I know how few and far between good paying jobs are in this area.

So, back to last night...  I listened to the song a couple of times and then my co-worker showed up.  We went inside and got a table by the door.  I figured it was my best chance of avoiding the thick cloud of cigarette smoke in the place.  She had never been to a karaoke bar before.  We ordered some happy hour drinks.  I tried Bud Lite Platinum, which cost more than regular bud lite but didn't really taste any different.  I thought the cobalt blue bottle was pretty and was trying to think of ways to smuggle one home to use for a flower vase. Yeah, my mind works like that. 

We made some small talk, mostly about work, and I told her I did not want to talk about work, co-workers or anything like that.  I said it depressed me and that I wanted to have a fun time.

One of the things we discussed is how neither one of us is the "typical girl".  She shared that she grew up military and then joined the military.  She said she's been surrounded by men her whole life and has a masculine approach to things.  She commented that she got that vibe from me.  I told her that I did have a no bullshit mentality most of the time, but the truth is, I'd love to be more girly girl.  In my heart, I'm girly girl. I get envious of how guys eye the girly girls at work.  She said she didn't really have that desire.  Then, she asked me if I was sleeping with someone at work.  I quickly changed that subject.

We also discovered that we're both nurturers and care-givers.  She said she noticed that I seem to be the kind of person who wants to take care of people, make them happy, and do things for them.  ALL THE TIME.  She asked me, "Do you ever just do things for yourself?"  I laughed and said, "Without feeling guilty about it? Not really."  That made me think of the flight attendant thing. 

I really do put other people's needs first.  I hardly ever ask for anyone to put my needs first.  Part of it stems from being let down a lot and just finally reaching that point where I don't trust anyone to be there for me.  I've tried.  I've told people I need help.  I've shared personal issues.  An example:  I recently mentioned to a friend that I was struggling with a plateau.  I've been eating right.  I've been getting regular exercise.  I've been drinking my water.  However, I keep gaining and losing the same 2 lbs.  He made a couple of references to "I need to bring in my book for you" but it never materialized.  Then, a few days later, a mutual friend mentioned to me in front of him that she was on a plateau too and he immediately rattled off tips to her and gave her website information.  What I heard was that my plateau wasn't as important as her plateau. Now, it could be that my friend trusts me to figure out my own way and knows me well enough to know that what works for him might not work for me and that I'll get frustrated trying his way.  However, had it been reversed -- had he been the one needing help, I would have had photocopies, a book and all sorts of information ready for him the next day.  I know it seems minor, but little things like that make me realize how inequitable some of the relationships in my life are.  In the grand scheme of things, does that one thing end a friendship? No.  But if there's a bunch of little things, over time, it feels like a mountain of disappointment.  Right now, I have small hills forming with a few people in my life.  It's not good.

Back to the bar -- my co-worker and I bounced around ideas about how to be less nurturing and less care-givey.  But, in the end, I realized I probably won't change much.  I'm a people pleaser.  However, I think I might have to be more vocal with my needs.  Or find people who will be able to give me as much as I give them.  Normally, I don't keep score and don't care.  Lately, however, I've had needs... and have felt shut down and alone in my needs.  I'm running on emotional empty.  I can't help others until I help myself.

So, I'm trying to re-frame things.  I'm trying to get back on track so that I feel better about things.

After that, our serious stuff ended and we drank, drank, drank.  I had a bit too much to drink.  I woke up with doodles on my arm from where I told my co-worker that I was thinking of getting a tattoo so she wrote all over my arm with an ink pen to give me an idea of what a tattoo might be like.  Uh... yeah... I don't know that I want one now.  I spent a good 20 minutes trying to scrub it off.  I still have some remnants of it.  Of course, it could just be that I don't want "I LOVE _________ (insert the name of someone she thinks I'm in love with)" written in black ink on my right forearm.  We did jello shots. I drank beer. She had rum and coke.  We played this game of "Fast or Slow" whenever anyone would come up to sing.  We'd try to guess if the song they were going to sing was Fast or Slow.  Then, we'd try to guess if it was going to be pop, country or rap.  There was a lot of odd songs last night.  I had more fun in December with the music selections.  There were a lot of slow songs last night.  Slow songs I'd never heard of.  I kept trying to get her to do a song with me.  No luck.  Maybe we didn't drink enough.  

Around 11, this very large woman came in.  A big blonde woman.  Bigger than me.  I've been feeling very self conscious about my size.  I normally don't pay much attention to it and think that I'm decent enough looking as I am. But, I am human and prone to bouts of "not good enough."

After my eHarmony rejection weekend and watching how three of my co-workers were fawning over a size 2 new hire this past week (a size 2 who spent 15 minutes debating hot coffee versus cold coffee with someone in front of me and made my brain hurt), I've been a little more aware that I'm not what most guys want.  So aware that I'm considering having weight loss surgery.  But, that's another subject for another day.

I digress.  This woman came in and was just exuding confidence.  I could tell she had no problem with her size.  She was wearing tight capri jeans and a low-cut, form fitting purple top.  She was wearing all sorts of shiny glittery jewelry.  I looked around to see if anyone was looking at her or judging her.  No one seemed to look at her.  I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me when I walk into a room.  Then, this very attractive Hispanic guy came in and walked right up to the large woman and hugged her.  I thought, "OK, probably just friends."  Then, they scooted close together at the table, held hands and got a little cozy with each other.  Yeah, not just friends.  I noticed an engagement ring on her left hand.  The man was totally smitten.  She was, too.  He was tall and thin and they fit just fine.  I always worry about the "10" factor when I see myself with men.  I took a picture with a tall, thin guy once and when I looked at the picture, I saw the number "10".  In shape, he was the "1" and I was the "0".  Tall and thin beside short and round.  The picture made me uncomfortable and in my mind, I've always been hesitant to try to find someone tall and thin (even though that's what I'm attracted to) because I just don't know that we'd "fit".  But, it worked for the woman and her man.  I guess love makes it fit?

I want that confidence.  I also want to be healthy.  However, I want to walk into a room, no matter what size I am, and feel confident, not apologetic. I want someone to walk in with me and be proud that he's with me.  Not ashamed to be seen with me.

I hope that if I think good thoughts, I can make this happen.  I also think that if I take care of myself first, too, this could definitely happen.

Then, maybe I can move on to feeling brighter than the sun, with the man who didn't want me to let him go, and who will eventually make me want to say I do. He will take care of me the way I take care of him.  With or without the oxygen mask to support us in the event of an emergency.