Fantasy

It's always been about me, myself, and I
I thought relationships were nothing but a waste of time
I never wanted to be anybody's other half
I was happy saying I had a love that wouldn't last
That was the only way I knew 'til I met you

I Do by Colbie Caillat.

I posted last weekend about trying to put myself out there in the realm of relationships and dating so that I don't spend the rest of my life surrounded by safe relationships that go nowhere.

I'm currently registered with three online dating services.  Mate1, Zoosk and eHarmony.  The guys on Mate1 all want a hookup.  If I just wanted to get laid, that would be my best bet.  However, I do not want to get "laid" (and only "laid").  If I just wanted only sex, I could probably shake my tail at this one guy at work and be done with it.  

Zoosk has an immature "Facebook Hookup" vibe. Someone told me it used to be called WooMe which emphasized video hookups. The guys are using IDs that are boastful and overconfident. Whatever happened to sweet innocent user IDs that were humble and told of true personalities?  Mine is "booksnbeach4me", reincarnating the screen name I used on my LOST message boards and previous blog sites.  I used to use "SimplyMe" or something like that but that one was taken multiple versions over. The photos are cocky and arrogant.  I can look at profiles and they can look at my profiles, but if anyone is interested, I have to pay to communicate.  There is no "one month" option and I'm just not interested in any of the profiles enough to pay for it.  A few nights ago, one of the men sent me a message stating that God told him to click on my profile. He's from Nevada.  I'm not sure how God lead him to me in Virginia Beach. I *think* (from my previous experience with dating sites) that he may have just clicked on a bunch of profiles that met some basic qualifications.  He included his email address in his message so I emailed him and asked him, "What else did God tell you to do?"  Then, realizing it sounded snarky, I wrote him back a few days later and attempted a more genuine communication.  I haven't heard back from him.  Maybe God told him "My bad.  Try someone else."

This brings us to eHarmony.  I took their profile questions seriously.  I answered over 400 of their "personality questions".  I selected my "preferred match" settings (age, race, location, etc.)  I tried to not purposely limit anything.  10 years younger, 10 years older.  No racial preferences.  No atheists. (Not because I'm super religious but I'd like to think that my soul mate believes in "something", whether it be aliens or God.) Within 30 miles of my zip code.  No smoking.  With my allergies, I just can't have someone who smokes in my house.  Nothing outrageous.  I uploaded some photos from various outings and events in the past 6 months.  Wanted to show my fun side.  I don't really consider myself unattractive so I had no qualms putting my photos out there.  I considered no photo at first, but then decided that might make people think I'm hiding something.

eHarmony gave me 19 matches initially.  19 men who fit the basics and had some degree of compatibility based on my answers to all of their other questions.  This was last Thursday night.  I decided to let Fate do its thing and sat back and waited on someone to contact me.

By Saturday morning, I had no responses.  I decided that I needed to probably do something to make myself stand out.  So, I went through all 19 profiles and weeded out those who live on the peninsula because I just don't want to deal with bridge and tunnel when if comes to dating.  (For those of you from out of the area, Virginia Beach and Norfolk are separated from a portion of the area by a bridge/tunnel combination that has a habit of getting jammed.  I have a friend who lives 20 miles away according to my Garmin but it can take up to 45-60 minutes to get to her house depending on traffic.)  

So, I don't want to date someone where, if we get serious, we are going to have to spend time coordinating the whole bridge/tunnel thing.  I want someone relatively close.  I don't want someone whom if I need them at 3:00 a.m., I'm going to have wait 45 minutes.  I also, being forward thinking, don't want to have to get up an obscene hour of the morning to drive back home to get ready for work if I spend the night there because I have to worry about bridge/tunnel traffic.  I don't think my boss and co-workers would appreciate a text at 8:00 in the morning asking them to cover my classes because my late night booty call resulted in me being stuck in traffic.

That removed a few profiles.  Then, of those that remained, I read each profile carefully looking for hidden messages, poor grammar, deal breakers, etc.  I don't mean little typos.  I mean blatant repeated mistakes and errors.  I also looked for sense of humor and genuine-ness.  Kindness is also important.  I consider myself a nice person and I want someone who is nice, too.  No assholes.  I can't deal with "all about me" types.  I did not eliminate any specific "look".  Although my preference is usually the "boy next door" type, I didn't limit myself.

By the time I was all done, I had 8 profiles left.  8.  So, I took a deep breath and sent each of them a brief, friendly note.  Trying to establish a connection.  Not too funny, not too boring.  Basically, "Hey, we have things in common.  I like your profile.  Give mine a look and I hope to hear from you..." stuff. 

Waited.  Waited.  Waited.   Absolutely no responses.  None.  I went back in this Tuesday night and looked at my profile and my number of matches is now down to 11.  All 8 of the men I reached out to are no longer showing up as matches.  Rejected.  8 times over.  eHarmony has this option where you can "close" a match if you don't think you'll be interested in that person.  

Apparently, all 8 closed their match to me.  I want to think they did it because they aren't available any more.  That's the optimist in me.

I tried not to take it personally.  I re-read my profile and my settings.  I sound decent.  If I were a man, I'd date me if all I had to go on was the profile.  So, of course, that leaves ME.  My physical ME.  I don't want to think the men are that shallow, but the reality is, I think they are.  Eventhough I put in my profile that I am a work in progress and was proud of recent efforts to get healthier, I think my girth frightens men.  Inside, I think many of them are stuck in high school where they want to be seen with the hot chicks with the tight bodies.  The chubby girls may have made them laugh, feel good about themselves, and feel comfortable about being themselves... but they didn't give them woodies and weren't the girls the other guys would huzza huzza about.  I was so mad when Glee wrote off the token fat chick who was being chased by the token bad boy. 

I'm told all the time I have a pretty face and nice personality.  That's the kiss of death for big girls.  No guy ever doodles on his love wish list that he wants a pretty face and a nice personality. They want the perky breasts, a some-what flat stomach and perfectly rounded ass on a size 8 (or below) body.  I met a guy once who was a total loser who told me after seeing my photo that if he had the choice between me and someone who was anorexic, he'd take the anorexic.

I try to have confidence.  I try not to care what other people think.  I am a good person.  A good catch.  But, I'm not thin.  I don't think I ever will be. I did the math in my head and realized that at the healthy rate of 2 lbs per week, it will take me about 100 weeks to be in my "normal" range for someone of my height and age. That's two years!  What man is going to wait two years for me?

So, I haven't exactly been in the best of moods this week. My confidence is shaken a little.

I'd reach out to the remaining 11 but I don't think my heart can deal with 11 more closed matches.  I thought about taking down my photo before reaching out to the remaining 11 but then, what do I do when it comes time to meet me?  I went through this in the mid 90s.  I remember what it was like to meet a guy face to face and he'd get that "OH MY GOD!" look on his face as he realized my comments about being overweight weren't a joke.  One guy told me that "overweight" meant 10-15 lbs past normal weight.  He told me I should have told him I was obese.  I told him my photo was on my ad.  He said he thought maybe it was an old photo. He wasn't attractive and I thought it was funny that even troll-like men want supermodels.  I'm at least realistic. But, I also go for personality.  I'll overlook less than average looks if the guy can make me laugh. Sarcasm is sexier than a six pack abs.  But, that's just me.

Old wounds heal slowly, it appears.  I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to feel like I need to apologize for my size and who I am.  eHarmony may say that they match you based on "levels of compatibility" but in the end, I think it comes back to attraction.  Physical attraction.  My sense of humor, my intelligence, my wit, my kick butt writing skills and my ability to make people feel good about themselves...  just not enough for love at first sight.  Not enough for initial attraction.

I told a friend recently about the guy at work who said he'd "do" me.  She jokingly said that maybe I should see if there's more to him than meets the eye.  He's not "safe".  If he's willing to do me, he's not put off by me.  Maybe I could get to know him and see what happens.  She said, "What's the worst that can happen? Casual sex?  At least you won't get emotionally attached and worry yourself sick about the outcome.  You'll already know the outcome."

I am not cancelling the profile.  However, I am not putting any more effort into finding someone through online dating. I'm leaving it all in Fate's hands. 

I think I'd rather live with a house full of cats who love me as I am and surround myself with safe relationships that at least give me hope and fantasies than keep facing rejection.  I'm not wallowing in self pity.  I'm being realistic.  I can't be what these guys want and I honestly don't want to try.  I realized on Wednesday night that I don't want to change myself to win someone's heart.  I like me as I am.  Their loss if they don't.

I am a damn good person with the ability to love someone deeply and for a long time.  My brain is sexy.  My body may not be to everyone.  But, in a few decades, it won't even matter.  How many senior citizens do you know who walk around saying, "Ooh, she has a nice ass"?

I promised someone I'd explain the meaning behind my Rick Springfield dream... or at least what I think the meaning is.

I've mentioned I have some safe relationships.  Men who are not interested in me for various reasons. Men who are comfortable with me but nothing more.

I think the dream was my heart trying to tell me that I wish one of my safe relationships would stop being safe and save me all of the hassle of trying to find someone.  

In my dream, I met someone I have been "in love with" for over 30 years.  He was right there in front of me.  Instead of trying to make time with him, I was worried about why a male friend was upset with me.  Rick even wanted to try to help me make him jealous.  I was more pleased that Rick wanted to read my blog than the fact that he was close enough for me to lick the sweat off of his neck.  My junior high crush was a past safe relationship.  He was a friend who made me laugh and who rocked the color pink like it was no one's business, in a time when wearing pink was not masculine.  (He did not end up gay.)  I'm always trying to get one of my safe relationships to wear pink because I had a dream about him 8 months ago where he did in fact wear a pink shirt and looked good in it.  He refuses, stating that people will think he's gay.  I think seeing my old crush just reiterates that I don't think men who wear pink are gay and are attractive in a "I don't give a f*ck" way. Rick represents the fantasy.  He has been the epitome of my perfect man.  Tall, thin, athletic, dark hair, lean good looks...  Creative. Sexy.  I was demolished when I read in his autobio that he cheats on his wife and has a mean streak as a result of depression.  That made him too real.  We all have a fantasy.  Sometimes, the reality matches the fantasy.  Sometimes, it doesn't.  When presented with him, I enjoyed his presence and appreciated him as a man, but... I didn't want to take the fantasy any place real. 

This past week, I tried to give one of my safe relationships his fantasy girl.  He has mentioned a couple of times an interest in this woman we both know. Barely know.  I said something to the friend earlier in the week that kind of insulted him and I wanted to make it up to him.  I don't like hurting my friends.  For whatever reason, whenever he's in a bad mood or upset about something, I can pick up on it and my own mood alters accordingly.  Long story short, as an olive branch, I offered to fix him up with his fantasy girl. She's someone who comes to our business to do presentations once a month.  She's a sales person.  So, she has a certain personality to present.  I've gotten to know her through emails and conversations.  She's a nice lady.  However, I don't KNOW her as a person. (Neither does my friend.)  I only know what she tells me about herself.  But, my friend is convinced she's his dream girl (much like how I had myself convinced that the cute doctor who came was my dream guy until I realized my fantasy of him was better than the reality) and I wanted to make my friend happy, eventhough a part of me knew this would make me unhappy.  I don't like to play matchmaker.  I also didn't want to lose one of my safe relationships.  I didn't want to hear about their dating if it worked out.  I think I may have insulted him more with the offer.  In the end, he didn't want it (whew!).   So, by putting him in my dream, I think my heart was trying to tell me that he's more important to me than I thought when it comes to reality versus fantasy, safe versus unsafe.  He's not in love with me.  However, I think I wouldn't be opposed if he was, if that makes sense, which is what Rick was trying to be a catalyst in making happen in my dream.  It didn't though.  It pushed away the male friend, which tells me the thought of loving me is scary.

At the end of the dream, he decided to forego his own hurt to be a responsible friend.  Or maybe he just wanted to stick around to see if I'd do Rick.  Dunno.

The point of this blog -- I'm not ready to leave my safety zone.  I don't like being lonely.  I have great things to offer to someone.  However, online dating is just not for me.

I don't think I'm ready for the reality yet. 

Come to see victory
In a land called fantasy
Loving life for you and me
To behold to your soul is ecstasy
You will find other kind
That has been in search of you
Many lives have brought you to
Recognize it's your life now in review

As you stay for the play
Fantasy has in store for you
A glowing light will see you through
It's your day shining day
All your dreams come true