The Last Song

Did you know I'd go to sleep
And leave the lights on
Hopin' you'd come by
And know that I was home and still awake
But two years go by and still my lights on
This is hard for me to say
But this is all that I can say

It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last time that I'll tell you
Just how much I really care
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you

I've been thinking a lot about ending the blog.  A lot.  This is not an act to get attention.  I just don't enjoy writing it anymore.

You see, I've been going through some changes these past few months and my goals in life and my desires in life are changing. 

In our new hire training class, we show this DVD of Randy Pausch's Last Lecture.  Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a few months to live.  He decided to do a "last lecture" at CMU listing his childhood dreams and lessons learned.  He mentions the "head fake" -- where you do one thing but your goal is actually something else.  Like -- teaching someone a computer programming language but making it so fun that they think they are just designing games.  His whole lecture was a "head fake" -  he made it sound like he was recalling his life lessons but really, he was giving advice to his young children on how he wanted them to live their lives - with no regrets.  I saw the video a long time ago, back when he was still alive, and it made an impact on me then.   I still get these chills when I watch it now.  There is a lot to be said for the life lessons he wants his children to learn.  Google the transcript or the video and listen/watch with an open heart and open mind.  There are gems. We can all learn from it.

So - here's my head fake.  This blog.... well...  I intended it to be an accounting of whimsical dating stories, funny observations, and my own life lessons, offset by song lyrics.  The reality is - the entire blog -- the whole year's worth of writings (all 200+ entries) were actually intended for two men in life.  Two men I wanted to know more about me. I wanted to give them a "cheat sheet" of sorts about me.  How to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to get to know me.  I know I can be difficult at times.  I've been told I can be too aloof.  I can be too moody. ("doom and gloom" as a friend puts it.)  I've had a lot of rough times in my life.  I've had a lot of fun in my life.  I have ambitions and dreams.  I've been in love and I've been hurt. I wanted a shot at showing these men who I really am inside.  I can't exactly walk up to these men and say, "Hey, look, here's what I want you to know about me and I think that if you know this about me, you will realize just how great we could be together... as friends... as more than friends... whatever."  Oh, I've tried.  But, they just aren't interested in me that way.  Or in any way.  I gave it a valiant effort.  One of the men is from my past.  One of the men is from my present.  Ironically, I don't think either man has read more than one or two of my entries. 

My head fake failed and to be honest, I think I need to spend some time living life instead of approaching everything as a possible blog entry or way to impress someone who doesn't want to be impressed.  I think it's time for me to go back to keeping a journal of these personal thoughts and focus on other types of writing -- lighter, funnier.  Less about me.  More universal. Something that will help me make money some day and let me live in that big ole beach house on a cliff overlooking a tumultuous sea.

So - as my "swan song" of sorts until I can figure out what happens next-- I leave you with a bunch of random thoughts circulating my head.  Observations, ponderances, stuff.  Things I'm thinking.  Things I wished I had said.  Things I wish I hadn't said. :)

When I have a cold and mention it to a co-worker, instead of offering sympathy, the first thing she does is screech that I'd better not get her sick.  Nevermind that when she's sick, she snorts and sneezes and coughs on everyone and doesn't care if she gets anyone sick.


When I have a cold, my singing voice improves.  It's very odd.  I sound like Adele.  Of course, it could just be my imagination.


When I win the lottery, in addition to having someone make me breakfast every day and lemon bars once a month, I also want home-made chicken noodle soup when I have a cold.

My hormones are going crazy.  I don't know if it's some weird pre-menopause thing or what.  But, I think about sex almost all the time.  Yeah, I know, too much information.  I'm going out with a bang.  ;)  I have these vivid sex dreams.  I don't know if it is because I read that damned Fifty Shades of Grey or what.  But, I think it's a sign I probably need to reconsider cancelling my dating profiles.

Living on a budget sucks.  But it also has opened my eyes to how much money I spend on things I don't really need to survive.  I'm on a straight cash budget now.  I withdraw $X on pay day for groceries and day to day expenses.  When the money is gone, I'm done spending until the next pay day.  It's been hairy.  But, I'm doing it.  I buy dollar store brands and have gotten pretty creative with the stuff in my freezer and cupboards.  


Cats are expensive.  I never realized how expensive Abby's food and cat litter were until I had to start paying cash.  She doesn't like cheap food or litter.  I've tried to introduce them into her life.  I put out inexpensive cat food and she didn't eat the entire day and meowed for two solid hours until she was hoarse one night when I got home from work, begging for the expensive stuff. I figured that she'd break down and eat the cheap stuff eventually.  I was wrong.  I felt like a bad cat mommy.  So, I've caved.  Thank goodness for cat food coupons.

I like wearing dresses again.  I like the way I look and feel when I wear them.  I like the attention and compliments I get.  I'm willing to eat more salad and skip snacks so that I can fit into them.  I've never really been a "pants" kind of girl.  I think I would have been quite happy living in the 50s and 60s with those great Marilyn Monroe type dresses.

I'm thinking about moving some place else.  Any place else.  Away from here.  A few weeks ago, I tried to make a list of all of the things I'd miss if I left Virginia and other than people and a dolphin watching cruise, I couldn't think of one wonderful thing I'd miss.  I've been trying to fall in love with the place.  I've been going to festivals and parks and events.  I've been trying to keep an open heart and open mind.  But, I don't feel like this is home for me anymore.  I want some place smaller, quieter.  Less congested. But, where?  I am honestly thinking about putting all 50 states into a hat and picking one and just finding something there.


I keep having fantasies about what it would be like to be stranded on an island Blue Lagoon-style with a man.  See bullet above about hormones.


I've turned my back on a friend who is having problems and I worry that Karma is gonna kick me in the metaphorical nuts. (Coz I don't really have nuts to be kicked.)  I did it out of "tough love" because they need to make some decisions without my help or interference.  I worry about them every day and wish I could fix things for them.



I was more adventurous with foods when I was a kid than I am now.  I think back to how I would try just about anything when I was a kid but now, I'm pretty set in my ways and like what I like.  I'd suck as a judge on a cooking show.

I think I'd enter into a relationship like that in 50 Shades of Grey with the right person.

I also think I'd probably try to make him fall in love with me, which would defeat the whole purpose of the relationship.

I considered suicide twice in my life.  It doesn't matter when or why.  In the end, the "hope" of something better kept me from actually doing it, but I came close both times.  Had the letters written and everything.

I cry when I see dead animals on the side of the road and wonder what little animal family is missing a mom, dad, brother or sister.  If it's a pet-type animal, I wonder what little boy or girl is missing their pet.  

I sometimes think about jumping in my car and just driving away, leaving everything behind.

I talk back to television characters.

I still know most of the quotes and lines from FRIENDS.  I've been watching it every night in repeats.  Reminds me of a happier time.  "When were you ever under me?" 

I purposely included "mushy" songs in the play list that I gave a friend in hopes of softening him up a little because he always seems to be so down on love and anything remotely mushy, that I figured I could expose him to the music and he'd be less negative about it, so that maybe he'll be a happier person.

When I meet new people, I google them to see what I can find out about them, just for giggles.  Nothing too deep.  I also google myself every now and then to see what's out there about me.

Happiness and a positive outlook are great appetite suppressants.  Even if you have to fake it.

I'm hopeful for change and new things in my life. Including, possibly, a relationship.  I'm also thinking about looking into adopting or fostering a child once I get my money issues taken care of.  I need a purpose. Something long term, emotional and serious.