You Oughta Know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Do you think that we are intrinsically drawn to the same kinds of people without realizing it? 

Someone from my past reached out to me recently and told me he has found someone and she is a blonder and thinner version of me. He told me all of the things he likes about her and they are all qualities I possess. We have similar careers and hobbies. He said the kind of car she drives and it's like mine, sort of. We both drive an SUV. The only real difference is that she has been married and I haven't been. He even said, "She's a lot like you." I have no desire to have him back in my life and as Adele says, "I wish him the best..." Still, makes me wonder... Does our heart automatically seek out people like other people we are attracted to/have been attracted to? Even in the friend category, do we replicate what we like over and over?

I found it odd that he wanted to tell me that he found "someone like me".  I was flattered that he has chosen someone like me to be his life-partner.   Still, it was a bit unnerving to discover that there is someone out there who can offer a man the things I thought were uniquely me. I didn't like hearing that she has a sarcastic sense of humor, can whip up a mean home-cooked meal, makes arts and crafty things for people's birthdays and loves animals. She likes to travel, entertain and hang out with friends in quiet settings. She loves to read and go to the beach.  She is a development coach for a company and helps train/hire adults.  She drives (badly) an SUV which he hates because he's avidly environmental and thinks Satan himself invented the SUV.  Blah, blah, blah. I know he was telling me these things to prove to me that he can settle down with "the girl next door".  We only dated briefly and remained casual friends since we stopped dating.  I wasn't that serious about him but at the time, he was looking for someone more glamorous and I wasn't in the mood to be someone more glamorous. He thought his career was going a certain direction and he'd need the glossy trophy wife. I may clean up nice but I'm not into that lifestyle.  

The whole email exchange has made me think, though, about the things that draw people to one another. 

I have a friend who has been struggling with her feelings for a guy she knows.  (Here's the shocker - for once, I'm not writing about me and my relationship woes.) She's a bit younger than me.  We met through a previous job and kept in touch.  I fancy myself the wise, older sister.  She and this other young man work together on a charity project.  When she first met him, she told me, "He's not like any guy I've ever met before.  We clicked immediately.  He thinks I'm smart, funny and cute.  We flirt all the time.  I think this is going to be great."  (I'm taking creative liberties.  It was two years ago.  I can't remember the exact conversation, but basically, she met a wonderful guy who made her feel wonderful and treated her wonderfully.)

Over the course of the past couple of years, I've been privy to all sorts of endearing stories.  He went to a zoo and he bought her a stuffed zebra because it had some sort of sentimental reason for them.  She rode her first roller coaster because he dared her to do it.  He called her on her birthday to sing to her, at the exact time she was born.  They have pet names and special code for things they say to one another.  She saves his texts.  He likes to try to make her laugh when she's trying to be serious.  Cute stuff.  Stuff that Nora Ephron would be all over in Hollywood, set to upbeat Colbie Caillat music about finding that love that makes your whole world brighter than the sun.   She swears that she is in love with him and that she "thinks" he's in love with her.  She thought he knew how she felt about him.  She said she tells him things all the time about how grateful she is that she met him.  She tells him that she hopes she has him in her life forever.  She said she even gave him a "love you, too" comment when he said something snarky to her and he winked at her. However... they have not as much as kissed.  Two years.

Being me, I asked her, "Is he gay?"   She assured me he's not gay and that they talk about sex all the time.  They even flirt about it and he'll say things like, "I bet I could rock your world".  Yet...  nothing.

So, I asked her, "Is there a chance he's seeing someone you don't know about?  Maybe he isn't available?"  I even took it a step further and asked how often they go out and "how" he introduces her to people.

Yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut about that one.

He doesn't take her out.  Ever.  Their only interactions are at the charity events they do together with their mutual cohorts.

Turns out, he also has another female friend that he likes to do things with.  My friend said that she's always known that the other friend exists.  But, they've never met.  She knows her name.  She knows they lived in the same dorm "quad" in college and then later, in graduate school, they lived in a house with several other people.  Now, they live in the same apartment complex.

Being me, being in a honey badger mood, I said to her, "You need to find out where you stand and why he won't let the two of you meet."  (Now, I was not trying to incite drama.  You know how much I hate that.  I was just trying to encourage my friend who is 100% in love with this guy to make sure she wasn't setting herself up for heartache.)

Well, she was able to meet the female friend after much begging and fenangling, whom he insists is "just a friend" (you all know my feelings about that one).

She said to me that they were so much alike that it was scary.  She said that if they had met in any other circumstances, she probably would have wanted to hang out with the woman because they got along that well. She said there was some awkwardness when the two women realized that they had no clue that the other even existed though.  She said her male friend was kind of tense during the meeting and he seemed uncharacteristically silent. She said he wasn't his charming self and seemed almost afraid of what the two women would say to each other.

I asked her if he seemed to have any sort of attraction to the other woman or vice versa.  She said that the other woman did act more like a girlfriend meeting her boyfriend's colleague than a female friend meeting her male friend's romantic interest.  She said the woman was very touchy feely and used "we" a lot.  She said that she mentioned their standing "date" to watch a certain TV show together.  She did a lot of territory marking, according to my friend.

After she was done, I have to tell you, I didn't like the guy very much.  I have never met him.  They both live in Ohio.  However, if I did meet him, I'd probably tell him to grow a set and make a choice.  Pick one of the women.

I've been contemplating this.  He is obviously attracted to a certain type.  But, yet, he won't commit to either woman.  That is bizarre and smacks of stunted emotional development.  And sadly, as long as both women keep giving him what he needs without him having to choose, he'll keep on doing it.

I also had to think about sex.  Two years is a long time for a man to not have sex.  Women -- we can last longer because we have other ways of pleasing our needs (of course, this is just me justifying my dry spell).  Men, and yes I'm generalizing, typically like to have some sort of warm body part every few months.  So, is the territorial one a "friend with benefits" for him?  I want to meet the man who can go longer than that because I want to marry him right now and then spend at least a week making up for our mutual dry spells. :)

I asked my friend if he ever mentions having sex or going on dates.  She said no -- that in the two years she's known him, he's never gone out with anyone "else" (she still thinks they are dating) that she knows of.  She said she doesn't see him/talk to him seven days a week, though, and their charity work only brings them together two or three days a week, if that. But, "We talk all the time" she said.  She said that they talk in the middle of the night and during the day, when he's at work.  She said that you'd think she'd know of something or someone if it was in his life.  I asked if she's ever outright asked.  She said she didn't want to know.  She said that he goes away with his friends frequently to go to concerts and they all stay together in motel rooms to save on money and he never mentions any women or hooking up. I pondered, "Well, why would he?"  I mean -- if he's afraid of risking his perfect set up, he's not going to say, "Got a little strange last night."

Long story short, my friend still thinks she's in the running with this guy and that at some point, he's going to choose her over the other woman.  I'm thinking that unless she does something to set herself apart from the other woman, he's going to keep them both hanging on for as long as he can.  He has his cake, brownies and cookies and can eat all of them if he wants to. 

My friend emailed me a picture of the three of them together and physically, the two women are very different.  My friend is a tall raven haired chick with curves.  She's kind of sweet and innocent looking, though.  She looks like a tall Katy Perry.  The other woman is short, thin and blonde.  Very petite and kind of fragile looking.  Huge eyes. Meg Ryanish. The guy is attractive.  Not model gorgeous or anything.  Not anyone I'd imagine women fighting over, though.  In the photo, he has his arm around the other woman and not at all on my friend.  He is, however, looking directly at my friend with this look of adoration in his eyes, like he genuinely likes her, and is smiling at her.  I get the feeling that he feels loyal to the other woman but wants to be with my friend.  I think the other woman has probably some sort of hold on him and he's afraid to risk that for my friend. Wanna bet it's sex or money? ;)

The whole story is still unresolved. My friend is still being the perfect fake girlfriend and as far as I know, the other female friend is doing the same thing.  If I were a guy, I'd be temped to high five him for his boldness and ability to snag two women who are personality-twins without having to commit to either one. I've removed myself from offering advice as I am having a hard time being objective.  Maybe I should give her the link to the $5 psychic?

This brings me back to the whole "are we drawn to certain types of people?".

I'm not.  At least, not romantically.  If you were to line up all of the men I've dated and/or been "in love" (eyes rolled) with in my life, none of the look the same, act the same or talk the same.  They come from different walks of life, have different colored hair, different colored eyes, and different body shapes.  There were teachers, IT guys, managers, construction workers, motel workers, students, mechanics, artists, call center workers, co-workers ...  Some were very serious.  Some were not.  Some were well educated. Some were not.  Some "got" me.  Some didn't.  Some were funny.  Some were not.   As I evolved, my likes/dislikes evolved.  I've usually tried to find someone who is not like me very much to help alleviate my whole "boredom" thing where I want to switch out something new after a few weeks.  It wasn't until recently that I opened my mind to the whole concept of finding someone more like me who might be my equal instead of my opposite.  We'll see how that works out. 

Friends-wise - yes, I tend to gravitate towards the same kinds of people.  Funny, witty, smart, caring, independent people.  I like people who get my jokes and can keep up with me.  Whenever I stray outside of my comfort zone, I usually have very short-lived friendships.  I have a hard time socializing with people who can't keep up with my mind and jokes and who have lifestyles very different from mine.

There is a lot to be said for duplicity.  Or replicating..  or whatever word you want to use. 

It's not even a bad thing for dating...  maybe.  Dunno.  One at a time until you figure out what the others were missing or what you really "need".

For the guy who picked the "someone like me", I was missing blonde hair and narrower hips... and an ex-husband. :)

(Despite my use of Alanis to intro this blog, I really am okay with not being the chosen one.  In the future, I don't know that I'll take it quite so well.)