Intuition

It's not hard to understand
Just follow this simple plan

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
It's easy to find
Just follow your heart baby

I consider myself a fairly intuitive person.  I get vibes on people when I meet them.  Now, I don't always listen to those vibes and end up later telling myself, "I told you so..." but for the most part, my insides usually let me know when things are going well with people and when they aren't.  I can pick up a bad mood or pain as soon as I come within 5 feet of someone I care about. A friend calls it being an empath.  I have these little alarms that go off inside of me whenever something or someone doesn't feel quite right.  I can usually walk into a room and pick up on tension, aggression, etc.  Sadly, I sometimes let these feelings get to me.  If someone is having a bad day, especially someone I care about, I pick up their bad feelings.  I can usually filter out the bad feelings of people whom aren't particularly close and just want to vent or let off steam.  Those I can block and go about my day.  I'm constantly asking people, "Are you okay?" because I can just "feel" that things are off.  Most of the time, I get "I'm okay" as a response but I can see by the look in their eyes that it kind of throws them off when I ask it when they aren't visibly doing anything to indicate they are not themselves.

However, when it comes to matters of the heart -- love, romance, etc -- my intuitive skills fail me.  Absolutely leave me in the lurch.  I confuse friendship for romance.  I confuse romance for friendship.  I misread signs or don't see any at all.  I am drawn to people who use me and toss me aside.  I overlook people who would place me on a pedestal and worship me.  I try to listen to my heart.  I try to use the same skills I have for other situations on the men in my life (past and present) and I am a bumbling fool.  No success whatsoever.

That being said, I believe in clairvoyance and psychic ability.  I've mentioned it before.   I believe there are people who have very advanced skills in reading people's energies and auras and using their own intuition to answer the dilemmas we all face.  They can't give out lottery numbers.  They can't tell me who I'm going to marry and when.  They can't tell me what my next job will be.  It just doesn't work that way.  However, they can give me peace of mind when I start to doubt myself.

A close friend has these skills.  I reach out to her constantly whenever I get a little insecure about things.  I'll say to her, "OK, here's what I'm thinking...." or "Here's what I feel it might be..." and give her my own interpretation and gut instinct on things and she'll either confirm what I was thinking and/or feeling or she'll give me her own spin on the situation, using her own skills and guides.   She never ceases to impress me with how dead on she has been with people and situations.  She can totally nail things based on very little information.

That said, I rely on her too much.  TOO MUCH.  Over the weekend, I did some soul searching about Mr. Tingles (the male friend whom I romanticized in my mind as having the potential to be more than just a friend.) and realized that in some ways, I wish I hadn't asked her to do so many readings on "our" energy.  Whenever I'd get a little confused with him, I'd run to her.  She'd give me her feedback, do a reading and then I'd do the complete opposite of what she told me would probably be best for the situation. 

I'm an optimist.  I'm a romantic.  I always believe that if I shower people with positivity, love and kindness that it will be the thing that turns someone's sour soul around. I believe that I can reverse negative thinking.  I believe in the good of people.

So, to give her a break, last month, I reached out to another psychic.  A $5 psychic.  First, I tested the psychic's ability by asking for advice on something I already sort of knew the answer/outcome.  When he/she passed the test, I hit her/him with the "do I have any sort of romantic chance with the men in my life?"  I have several straight (I think), single male friends.  I am not dating anyone.  So, it would be so much easier for me if one of these men with whom I already have a connection of sorts could be my hunka hunka burning love.  I'd feel more confident.  I'd be more likely to take a chance.  Go out on a limb.

Nope.  Nada.  None of them.  My friend has sort of told me the same thing.  She has told me which men has strong positive energy and which ones don't.  But, she didn't see anything romantic with any of my male friends.  Bummer, right?  So, the other psychic told me the same thing.  It's like thinking you're pregnant and buying every pregnancy test in the store.  50 of them come back positive and 1 comes back negative.  You latch on to the negative one, hoping it was the correct one, even though the odds say otherwise.  That's how I was with these readings.  The $5 psychic said, "At this moment...."  My friend said, ".... until he resolves issues...."   Those statements were not drop-dead  "No"s to me.  "At this moment" became "Maybe some day in the future, it will be different..." in my head.  "...until he resolves issues..." became "... help him resolve his issues, and he'll be yours!" in my mind.

Nevermind that the $5 psychic told me that one of the men in question would do something during a specific time period that would negatively change my opinion of him and something did happen during that time period and it did make me change my opinion of him... or, well, it made me thing of him poorly for a period of time, then I went right back to liking him again.

So, I chug along like the little engine that could.   Waiting for "at this time" to expire.  Waiting for "issues to be resolved."

It's emotionally exhausting.  I don't usually doubt myself.  I feel like I'm on this pendulum swinging back and forth between "being sure of myself" and "being insecure of myself."

Just when I start to swing towards sureness and security, something will happen to swing me back the other way.  A flirtatious comment.  Someone telling me that they think someone "likes" me.  A tingle.  A vibe.  I get hopeful.  Then, something goes wrong and I crash.

Last night, the $5 psychic reached out to me to "follow up" on the advice he/she gave me last month and asked if the events they mentioned came true.  I advised the person that, sadly, the events did in fact occur and that there was no sign of romance.  He/she wrote me back that nothing had changed -- that they could tell me 100% that this one person in my life is not meant for me.  They have someone else.  We are only meant to be close friends and nothing more.  Ever.  This time, the psychic actually put a nice cemented end statement.  "Ever"  But, to give me hope, he/she said that they saw positive changes in my life this fall and romance for me in October.

This led me to posting a question on Facebook last night -- if someone were to tell you with 100% confidence that someone in your life was not meant to be in your life, would you just walk away from that person or would you try to prove the other person wrong?

I tend to believe everything happens for a reason and that we are masters of our own destiny.  Our future path may have some pre-destiny, but I think we can change things too.  Think about Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL.  Scrooge was able to change his life path.  Why can't we?

Of course, this could just be my stubbornness showing through.  My inability to let go of things that are important to me.

But, then, there's another part of me that seeks the peace that comes from knowing that the person who causes me to question myself and who makes my heart hurt on occasion isn't meant for me.  I can let go.  I can let the chips fall where they may and know I did my best and that it just isn't meant to be.  I'm a square peg.  He's a round hole.  Even if I sand the square peg down and make it fit into the round hole, it wouldn't be natural.  It wouldn't be right.  It wouldn't be true.  I can enjoy the good stuff and use it to build my confidence for when my Mr. Right does show up.  I can be a friend.  I'm good at being a friend.

My gut tells me and has been telling me that this person is possibly in love with someone else even though he won't admit it to himself. I also think someone hurt him badly and he's afraid to take a chance with that person or anyone else. He likes to play the field but deep down wants one person to prove to him that he's wrong about his thoughts on women and love. I'm safe -- like all of the gay men in my life are safe for me.  He can be himself with me.  He knows I'll like him no matter what and have his back no matter what.  We're meant to be friends.  Nothing more.  I'm okay with that.  The psychic said it, so it has to be true.

I need to trust my own intuition.

And resist the urge to ask the $5 psychic for more information about the "October Romance".