I Don't Want To Be

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

I have a friend who tells me all the time, especially when I start to doubt myself, that she wishes that she could make me see myself the way she sees me.  She said that if I could see myself the way that she, and all of the other people who care about me, see me, I'd be more inclined to have faith in myself, my decisions, my goals and my life.

I've been trying really hard this past week to do that.  

Someone posted on Facebook a few weeks a question asking, "What's the difference between arrogance and confidence?"

I responded, "Confidence is knowing you can do something well.  Arrogance is making sure everyone else knows it too."

I'm always afraid to toot my own horn because I don't want to seem arrogant.  Inside, I feel like I'm a good person, a real person, someone to be valued and loved.  However, I don't want to walk around poking people in the chest and saying, "Hey, look at me, I'm freaking awesome!  If you can't see that and say that, get the f*ck out of my life."  I'd like to.  But, I can't.

Last Friday, I was off from work, trying to get over a sinus infection.  A friend of mine was off from work, too, and IM'd me in the morning about her latest dating adventure.  She's a bit of a personal ad wh*re.  She is registered with just about every personal ad website known to man and always thinks I need to follow in her footsteps.  I think she might be one of those people who can't be alone... who just doesn't know how to be alone... and has to have someone around.  Well, if you read my BOYFRIEND blog, you know that I actually don't mind being alone on occasion.  I get lonely, too, but for the most part, I enjoy my down time.  My privacy.

So, if you ever want to sit down and try to prove to someone that you're freaking awesome and that you deserve all of the attention that being freaking awesome should get, try to write a personal ad.  It's hard.  You want to appear confident, but not arrogant.  You want to seem genuine, but not corny.  You want to sound sexy, but not freaky.  You want to sound independent, but not aloof.  On and on and on.

I need to point out that I'm still not interested in finding anyone right now.  I have to get my money crap fixed first.  I don't want to start any sort of relationship with anyone until it's taken care of.  "Hi, you know that whole for richer or poorer thing, well, let me introduce you to the poorer part of the equation..."  It's embarrassing to admit I've made a mess of my finances and that I am scrambling for a solution.  I feel like I've failed in some way.  I always take care of myself.  Always.  But, that's another blog for another time.

I was bored.  Lonely.  Sick.  So, I placed the personal ad on a website for overweight women and the men who allegedly love them, a recommendation from my friend.

Yeah.. I should have read some of the other ads first.  Within a couple of hours, I had a sexually oriented message from some guy in Norfolk who liked to "eat pussie, stick it in a woman's butt and then offer up some 69 for dessert..."  I was more appalled, I think, by the misspelling of "pussy".  I deleted the message.

A few days later, a couple asked me if I was interested in doing something with them.  Deleted that one, too.  Then, I deleted the profile, took a shower and reminded myself that these are not the kind of men I want in my life.  Oh, I don't discount the power of oral sex... I just prefer that it not be so...  trashy sounding.  Also, with the whole rash of cannibalism, I'm afraid I might be too much good eating for someone.  As one of the cooks on the Food Channel says, "Fat is flavor."  I think it was Emeril.

I digress.  Over the weekend, I empowered myself to go out and do some things I wanted to do on my own.  I wanted to do them with others but no one was available or interested so I decided to go by myself. 

Then, I decided I was going to work really really hard to see myself the way my friend who thinks I'm beautiful sees me.  I wore clothing I wouldn't normally wear.  I walked prouder.  I stood taller.  I smiled more.  I even got a full body scan from a guy.  Ok, yes, a kind of sleazy guy but a guy nonetheless.  Guys don't check me out.  I admit I smiled as I walked away.  In fact, I think I may have swayed the hips a little more than normal.  What the f*ck, right?

Then, another thing happened...  someone took an interest in my life.  Asked me questions about me.  Wanted to know about me and what makes me tick.  Said that I seemed like an interesting person and that they felt I had stories to tell.  I'm usually the one who does all of question-asking and information sharing, even if people don't ask.  Now, the person is not a romantic contender.  He's a married man whom I know through an old job who has been asking me to help him with something.  We've been emailing and I shared a personal story with him about something in my life that happened that is similar to something he is doing.  He wrote back and asked me some questions.  Said he was curious about me.  Said I always seemed kind of mysterious and private.  He doesn't know about this blog, obviously.

However, his questions made me think back to a time when I met this guy on a forum on CompuServe and we had these "Questions Du Jour" that we emailed each other.  We'd take turns asking all sorts of questions -- from favorite foods to favorite childhood memory to scariest moment or funniest thing that ever happened to us.  It was fun.  I looked forward to that.  I looked forward to getting to know him better and having someone be curious about me.  With all of the technology, social media, navel gazing and "ice breakers" at work, there are bits and pieces of me all over the place and I'm sure I've made it way too easy for people to think they know who I am.  (But, do you really?  I mean - really? I was an editor.  I'm a writer.  How much of this is real?  How much is fantasy?)  

The point of this rambling is that I've decided I'm done trying to be what other people want me to be... or what I think other people want me to be.  I don't want to be anyone other than who I am.  Really.  People seem to be interested in the "real" me and not the "semi-real" me.  Maybe I need to be me more often.

If that means wearing a shorter dress that shows off my big ole butt, I'm going to wear it.  If it means wearing a long maxi dress with a plunging neckline, yup, I'm gonna wear it.  If it means hanging out on break with a male friend and whom people think has more going on than friendship, I'm gonna hang out with the male friend and think to myself he'd be damned lucky to be linked to me as more than a friend.  If it means not going to the gym because I just don't feel like it and would rather come home and curl up with a good book, than that's what I'm going to do too.

One of the new hires in my current class asked me about a time in my life when I was slimmer and asked me to bring in a photo.  The only photo I could find had me and this man I used to think I was madly in love with in it.  I looked at the photo with sadness because although I was thinner, I wasn't entirely happy.  The "thinner" me was that way to try to win his love.  So, seeing the photo again made me feel sad.  I don't want to change to try to make a man love me.

I think I saw a glimpse of what my friend sees in me when I stood in front of the mirror on Tuesday trying to take a cell phone picture on a dare and realized I need to stop hiding what God gave me and start embracing who I am.  

If my wonderful friends can love me as I am, it's just a matter of time before I believe it all the time, too.

I may even ditch the granny panties and invest in some condoms.  I'm feeling that good about myself right now.  =)