Karma

Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

December is the month I became overly aware of how little I visibly do to earn karma points.  Not that I think I've been blazing a trail of bad juju and collecting bad karma points because I'd like to think in a world of fakes, I'm real; in a world of liars, I tell the truth; in a world of takers, I'm a giver, etc.

However, coming off of my "why me?" maelstrom that was November, I decided I needed to be more caring towards things that are important to me. Needed to shift some positive energy and send out some to get some back.

I found myself reading all of the community posts on craigslist at night and aching because there were so many people who needed toys for their kids, food for their families, jobs, cars, clothing.  Most were written badly and part of me suspected that a good many of them were probably people who didn't need the money at all and just milking a sympathetic society.  However, I'd read these posts and think, "How can I help?"  I wanted to feel good about myself.  I wanted to know that even during my darkest times, I could still help people.  My friend Mandy has told me on more than one occasion that she is so worried that the whole experience of being constantly disappointed and hurt by people during my unemployment would cause me to become cold and less caring.

So, I took the $20 I had set aside for groceries the first week of December and bought a Christmas gift for some woman who said she was a disabled vet and needed something for her 3 year old grandson.  I figured I could make someone happy.  She wanted cash or gift cards.  She may have scammed me.  I don't know.  But, I sent her an Amazon gift card for $20 and told her to get her grandson a toy.  Another person posted that they needed food for their cats and were on a limited budget.  I went through Abby's "I don't like that anymore" food stash and filled a paper shopping bag with treats and food. I met the person in the PetSmart parking lot.  She said thank you and took the food.  I hope she wasn't scamming me, but what could she do with a bag of opened yet still fresh cat food?

Then, I discovered a charity called For The Love of Alex.  They help people who cannot afford pet vet costs and who have been denied credit for the care of their pets.   If you've been reading my blog from the very beginning, you know that I suffered through having a cat get sick and have to be hospitalized.  I remember the day I took her in because she was gasping for air and hadn't eaten for three days and they told me it would be over $1500 to hospitalize her, put her on fluids and medication and do an examination.  I didn't have that kind of money.  I applied for care credit and got denied.  I was sitting there in the Vet ER with Molly in a crate trying to think of how to come up with the money to do this.  I had $1530 in my savings account and I made the decision to transfer the funds and wipe out my savings and hand her over to the vet.  I just couldn't believe that a vet wouldn't see a dying pet without payment up front.  While I was there with Molly, a man came in carrying this big gray dog who had blood coming out its mouth and the receptionist would not let him go to the exam room with the dog until he paid.  If I had the fortitude to deal with all sorts of animals, I'd go back to school to be a vet and be one who would allow payment plans and options. 

I digress.  This charity tugged at my heart strings and I became emotionally attached to the stories. So many fur babies needing help.  I donated $2.00 - $3.00 whenever I could and promoted the site on my FB wall to generate interest.  I even reached out to the charity admin to offer up my services as a writer or social media helper because I knew it had to be time consuming to deal with all of the comments and questions.  She and I talked about how there were over a thousand people who posted "Praying" on one animal's post but she only received $150 in donations, total, over a three day period.  I made the comment about how if each person just gave $1 every time they posted that they were praying, they could make a difference.  I shared my own story with her, about being unemployed and getting that kind of stuff, too.  Not that I expected every friend or acquaintance to give a dollar, but if money is the root of a problem, then it would just naturally occur to me to offer money AND emotional support.  She (the admin) asked if she could feature Molly and Abby on her site for the holidays and share my story.  I said yes.  She asked if I'd be offended if she sent Abby a Christmas gift.  I said no.  She said it wouldn't come until after the new year, but she'd send something to help me out.  A total stranger who didn't even know me wanted to help Abby.  I was so touched. 

I helped promote other people's crowd funding sites, donating as much as I could, when I could.  

While trying to get my spiritual and karma energy back on track, I was still pressing forward with the job search.

I had to attend a mandatory meeting at the unemployment office the first week of December.  It was a rehiring workshop to give us tips on how to get back to work faster.  The basic message was "don't be picky" and the average age of the participants was 45ish.  The one huge thing I got out of the workshop is that I was doing all of the right things to get a job.  I just had a lot of competition.

I reached out to the finance company the second week of December and the recruiter responded that they were "still" trying to find the right fit, which was my way of knowing I wasn't going to be getting a job offer. 

I came up with this brain child that I was going to reach out to all of the advertising, communications and marketing companies in town and offer my services for free as a way to get experience and get my foot in the door.  I only heard back from two and they informed me that they only use college interns. 

Every time a door would shut in my face, I'd go around to the back of the house and try to find a window to crawl through.  

I tinkered with going back to school and got stalked by a college in Colorado.  The only reason why I was considering it was because someone at the unemployment workshop mentioned that you could get student loans to help cover room and board while you go back to school and in my mind, I thought I could enroll in some kind of master's program, get the maximum student loan, pay rent for a month or two and take just the minimum number of credits to keep myself in active student status.  Yeah, not the best idea I ever had.  The college cost was going to be $36k for an 18 month program and the "most" I could get out of the student loan was going to be $1200 a semester and you didn't even see that money until 6-8 weeks into the program.  I politely told the admissions person I wasn't interested and that finding a job was a bit more important and she was persistent.  I still get calls and emails from her eventhough I've given her a hard no, I'm not interested.

I broke down around Christmas and asked my mom if there was any way at all that she could find a room for me there or a place for me.  As I think I've mentioned before, they are hoarders ten times the extreme of what you see on those television shows.  Her response was that there was just no place for me and it would take a lot of work to clean out a room.  I was willing to live with dog feces and cat urine and mold and whatever other gross things live in their house to avoid homelessness and got shot down.  I did get some pity cash for Christmas, though.  Enough to buy some groceries and put towards January's bills.

I also tried to convey the message to several people that when I said I was going to be homeless soon, I wasn't joking or being overly dramatic.  My friend Mandy stepped up and volunteered a neighbor's garage apartment and said she'd come get me if I got to that point.  I told her that the end of January was that point, that if I didn't have a job by then and some sort of paycheck in February, then I was done.  It was homelessness or suicide because I didn't think I'd survive homelessness.  A few others stepped up with the offer of a home, too, when they realized I wasn't joking about this situation.

I got to have dinner with my friend Edmon before Christmas.  That was nice.  It was so nice to have human interaction.  Other than leaving the house to run errands, look for work, etc I hadn't had any face to face contact with a friend since the week of my birthday in October.

My microwave died in December and my friend Shelley helped finance a new microwave.

I had just one real interview in the month of December for a sales position at a lawn care company.  The hours and pay were dismal and the guy who interviewed me sniffed me as I was leaving and told me I smelled nice.  He interviewed me wearing a brown turtleneck and gray sweatpants and creeped me out.  They didn't offer me a job and I didn't really think they would because I told them I didn't feel safe going into parts of Hampton Roads alone to do door to door sales.

Abby and I had a low key Christmas and my wish to Santa was for the new year to bring me some new opportunities and things to look forward to.  We felt badly that we couldn't shower everyone with gifts like usual but we did the best we could with what we had.