Facing Backwards

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for

from Living in the Moment, Jason Mraz

I use my past to help me understand my present and plan for the future, but I don't like to be someone who is constantly hashing over regrets from my past.  I like to look forward and let my past be past.
 
Lessons learned.  I move on.  

This writing about the past is therapeutic and I hope that somewhere in all of this navel gazing and personal reflection, someone who reads these other than myself will find something that they can relate to, something that makes them not feel alone and maybe even something that makes them feel better about their own journey.  For me, this is a way to have a record of what I've gone through so that when I'm old and withered, I can read these posts and laugh about how many experiences I've gone through and how I'm still alive.  

A recent interviewer asked me to give one adjective to describe my life so far and I said "resilient" because no matter what gets tossed at me, no matter how low I go, I claw my way back out and keep moving forward.  Even when I'm researching how many sleeping pills a person of my weight would have to take to effectively end life and not just cause brain damage for someone else to have to take care of.. even then... I'm thinking of the other things I could possibly do before I got to that point.
 
As October came to an end, I had nearly a month of unemployment under my belt and I'll be honest, it all felt like just taking an extended leave from work.  I hadn't been happy there and the atmosphere was toxic most days.  I would get sucked into the drama and negativity.  I kept saying to myself that if I could have some time off, I could get my head back together and shake off the negative stuff attached to me.  My company did me a favor of sorts by letting me go.  It was not the best timing as I had no preparations made for it, but it did give me time to get my stuff together.

The interview mentioned in the previous blog about my unemployment had gone well and the HR person said that the next step was a meeting with the department heads that the position would be working for.  She said I'd hear "something" by Wednesday of the following week.  I was so sure I had gotten the job that I was looking at apartments in Hampton where the job was located.  I didn't want to have to deal with the commute each day and my apartment complex's management company had properties in Hampton.  I figured I could just transfer my lease and then beg able and willing friends to help me move.

Wednesday came and went and the glow started to wear off.  I sent follow up emails which yielded no responses.

Then, one day, about two weeks after the interview, I noticed that another job had been posted by the company that had interviewed me and it had a different name, but all of the same job functions. I sent another email to the HR person asking if I could be considered for that one, too.  I decided to play dumb and think of it as a second position.  I finally got a response from the company that they had chosen another person over me.  To console me, the HR person told me I was the second choice.  It didn't help.  Second place is just first loser in my book.

I hadn't stopped my daily routine while I was waiting.  I was still getting up every day and plugging along.  Applying for jobs and networking.  Like the Energizer bunny, I kept going and going.

Around mid-November, my panic attacks and insomnia started to show up more frequently.  I would lie in bed at night and just cry for hours because I was so scared.  By mid November, most of the people who had been reaching out to me in October and sending me messages of support and such had disappeared into the woodwork.  I had (and still have) a few dedicated souls who were perfect throughout this entire thing.  They knew me well enough to know when to offer advice, when to ask how things are going, when to try to make me laugh, when to distract me, etc.  I am so appreciative of those people who had my back and had faith in me when I didn't have faith in me.  They knew that I didn't need links emailed to me about jobs.  They knew I didn't need scripture or bible passages quoted to me.  They knew I didn't need judgment and incredulous "They laid you off? Really?" type messages.  I felt beat up explaining myself over and over.  I needed people to just check on ME, talk to ME, give me something I could use... a couch to sleep on if I couldn't afford rent, the name of someone at a company who would take my resume directly, gift cards for fuel and food, coupons, etc.  I would get preachy "you should be more positive" messages from people who obviously meant well but you can't just tell a person who is feeling like crap to smile and everything will be okay.  Every night, I would look at my bank balance and mentally calculate how many days and how many dollars until I was homeless.  It was frustrating and even worse, I wasn't allowed to be myself and tell these people to bugger off because they weren't helping.  "What do you need?  How can I help?"  Those were what I needed to hear.  I felt like most of the people in my life had decided that this was my mess to clean up and aside from tossing the casual "hang in there", they had no obligation to help me.  "She's a tough bitch. She'll figure this out."  I am tough.  I am figuring it out.  But, I'd like to not have to be the tough one. Just once.

Every time someone sent me a link to a job that I wasn't even remotely qualified for, I felt like they weren't trusting me to find a job or look for a job.  I know part of it is that they don't know what it's like and they wanted to be helpful, but it wasn't helpful.  I would receive messages from people wanting to tell me stories about someone they knew who was out of work for months, even years.  I had people joking about my extended vacation.  I had people "praying" for me and telling me to go to church and hand this over to God.  Not to discount the power of prayer or the existence of a higher being, but I wasn't going to show up at some church only to tell everyone I needed help when I couldn't be bothered to go any other time.  Prayers don't pay bills.  My landlord takes dollars. 

As November rolled to an end, my spirit started to really drag.  No interviews were coming in.  I had been applying for part time work, seasonal work, work at home gigs, temp jobs, contract jobs. If I felt remotely qualified, I'd apply.  I was applying here, in Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Northern Virginia, and all parts of Hampton Roads.

I thought I was the shit when I started my job search because I arrogantly looked at my resume and said, "I am so smart.  I am so skilled.  I will have a job in no time flat."  I also thought that the fact that I was currently unemployed would appeal to some.  I could start right away.  I was hungry.  I was eager to work. Motivated to work.  Desperate to work.  It is very humbling to realize that compared to all of the other people who are applying for the very same jobs, I am unremarkable.  There are probably 10 other people just like me.  Maybe even younger and thinner and healthier.  I know companies won't tell you that they take age and weight into consideration, but they do.  I know they do.  I used to be on the hiring side.  Younger workers will work longer hours for less pay because they want to get promoted before they turn 30.  The past two supervisors I had were almost 20 years younger than myself.

Right before Thanksgiving, I had an interview for a training position for a finance company.  I had a very long phone interview with a recruiter then a face to face with two representatives of the company.  About 10 minutes into the interview, I knew that there was no job for me.  Oh, I was super qualified for it and could have done it in my sleep.  However, when I asked when they hoped to fill the position, they looked at each other and laughed and said, "Well, we've been looking since June and when we find the right person, we'll know."  When I asked if the position was to replace someone who left or a new position, they told me that the current trainer said that she needed help so they created this new position to help her.  The way they said it made me feel like they were doing this to just appease some poor overworked person and that they were probably going back to said person and telling her that there were no good candidates. I knew I didn't want to work for a company like that but I also knew that I couldn't say no if they offered because I really needed a job.  They said I'd hear "sometime after the holiday".

I knew that the week of Thanksgiving would be a miss for any sort of interviews and contacts, so I gave myself most of the week off.  I pretended I was on vacation and didn't stress myself out as much about getting in X number applications per day. I played games online.  I watched television.  I slept in.  I stayed up late.  I bought Boston Market.

Still, at night, when everything was quiet and I was all alone with myself and my thoughts, I would lie there and feel helpless and hopeless.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this? Is God trying to teach me a lesson of some sort?

The worst part is that when everyone I knew was posting all of the things they were grateful for and gearing up for the holidays, I was sinking into a deep depression because I did have things to be grateful for but the things I didn't have stood out more.  Yeah, I hated my job, but I did it well and would have gone on forever doing it because I needed it.  But, being without one, even with the small unemployment checks I received, and not having anything or anyone else around to help... it makes a person question just about everything in their life.