The First Thing I Do...

There are three things I do when my life falls apart
Number one I cry my eyes out and dry up my heart
Not until I do this will my new life start
So that’s the first thing that I do when my life falls apart.

I had planned on waiting until I had a job before writing a blog about my unemployment but have decided to start on the installments since it has taken longer than I expected.
 
October 3, 2014 seemed like any other day in my life.  I got up, got dressed and went to work. I was there early as usual and got right to work on end of the month reports for my boss. I needed to leave early that day for a doctor's appointment and worked through lunch.  I had all of the reporting done by noon and took a quick 15 minute break, something I don't normally do, and picked up some soup from a local food truck and went back to my desk.  The energy all week had been kind of off in the office.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but management seemed stressed and my supervisor seemed to be in some weird distant place every time I tried to talk to him about anything.  I recall making a comment to a co-worker that "something was brewing" and my gut didn't like the feeling.  I'm particularly susceptible to people's energy and things were tense and just.. weird.. for lack of a better word.  Little did I know how right I was.

Around 2:15, I got an IM from my boss's boss's boss asking me to meet him in HR.  It's never good when you are asked to meet someone in HR near the end of the day on a Friday. I took my purse because I was supposed to be leaving at 2:30 for my doctor's appointment and figured I'd leave from there. I didn't realize walking into that room that I'd be leaving and not returning.

Reduction in Force.  I get to go down in history as one of the few people my company has ever laid off.  In the nearly 7 years that I was there, I couldn't really think of anyone who had been laid off.  They always found another job for anyone whose position was being eliminated.  At first, being me, I didn't accept it.  I literally said, "This is a joke, right?" and looked from the HR manager to my boss's boss.  No sympathy in those eyes.  No acknowledgment of what they were doing.  Just... "It's not you. It's me. Please leave."

They took my badge and keys and walked me out like a common criminal.  I asked if I could say good bye.  I was told no.  I was so embarrassed being walked out.  I knew that within 15 minutes of my leaving the building, everyone who saw the walk of shame would be gossiping about it. That's how it works there.  One of my co-worker is notorious for being one of the first to share gossip so I texted her and told her I had been let go.  I wanted to make sure that it was clear I hadn't been fired. 

I sat in my car for a few minutes, numb.  It felt like I'd been fired.  It didn't feel like a valid exit.  All of the things went through my head that goes through anyone's head during a time like this. I'm a good worker.  I don't abuse the system.  Why am I being let go but my co-workers who creep in late, leave early and take numerous "breaks" all day long get to keep their jobs?  Then, I called my doctor and broke my appointment because it was for FMLA paperwork that I wouldn't be needing anymore.  Then, I texted someone I thought would understand, someone who would be rightly outraged on my behalf, someone who had an opportunity to be a really good friend, someone who, sadly, chose to hijack my moment of sharing and respond that they hated their job and wished they could be fired. Then... I cried.  

I cried all the drive home.  I don't even remember the drive.  I was on auto-pilot.  I came home, sat in a chair in my living room and just cried.  A teammate sent me a text telling me he'd be there for me if I wanted to talk but I was afraid it was a trick - that someone wanted him to text me to get the scoop and HR was very very clear that I was not to discuss the details of what happened with anyone from work, on that day and for several weeks afterward.  I'm not entirely sure what the repercussions were but I couldn't risk any more negative action from them. 

Within an hour of being laid off, I was in action mode.  That's how I am.  I allow myself some self-pity time but then I have to do something.  I was online researching unemployment, food stamps, medicare/medicaid, low-income housing, etc.  I was checking my bank balance and mentally calculating if I had enough money to cover October's bills. I was emailing people whom had talked to me about jobs in the past.  I was reaching out to former co-workers asking if they knew of any jobs. Before the weekend was over, I had already applied for 7 jobs and started my unemployment process.  In my mind, this was going to be a quick process and my company had done me a favor.  I was just too chicken to look outside the company for something new - the devil you know versus the devil you don't and all of that. Plus, I kept hoping karma would catch up with everyone else and if I just kept my mouth shut, did my job and kept my nose clean, I'd be the one coming out on top. If I had known what was going to happen to me, I think I probably would have taken more breaks and my full lunch more often.

In my mind, I had this great fantasy that I was going to just get a new job right away and then post it on LinkedIn and everyone who could see my profile would be envious that I had gotten out.  Like a prisoner who is still stuck on the inside watching a former prisoner get paroled.

A friend helped me secure a freelance part-time writing gig about a week after I lost my job and  I saw this as a sign that things would be okay.  I'd earn some money and experience writing and then be able to keep that as a side source of income once I got a full time job.  It wasn't going to be much work and sporadic at best, but it was going to be something.

I tried to keep my routine as normal as possible.  I didn't get up at 6:30 a.m. like I used to, but I was still getting up before 8:00 a.m. and I would hop on the computer and spend my day looking for work.  This was my new job.  I registered with every temp agency I could find.  I updated my resume on all of the major job boards.  I updated my profile on LinkedIn. I checked craigslist.  I signed up for talent networks at major corporations.  I googled and searched, searched and applied.  I tweaked my resume about a dozen times, trying to make it stand out.  Every job application had its own resume and cover letter.  I applied for food stamps and medical assistance and got turned down.  I was accepted for unemployment but it would take a few weeks to kick in.  I cashed out my 401k, a life insurance policy and waited patiently for my final check from my job.  I figured that I would be "fine" until the end of November if all the money could make it to me by the end of October.  It was hairy.  I was pretty panicked.  A few friends sent me some cash to help with groceries and day-to-day expenses.  A few others sent me a few gift cards.  Early birthday gifts. I knew I had no safety net and I kept trying to explain to people what that feels like, but it's hard to explain something they don't understand.  Everyone has someone it seems.  I don't.  Not really.  I've always been a bit of a loner and my family has not really been that supportive of me.  I got a lot of "I'm thinking of you", "I'm praying for you" and "Hang In There" comments.  It was frustrating.  When you are lying in bed, trying to not think of the "worst case" scenario, the prayers and well wishes seem hollow.  I can't go to my landlord and say, "Hey, I can't make rent this month but three of my friends prayed for me last night so it's going to be okay."

I wrote to my landlord and car finance company asking for some sort of assistance.  I proposed to my landlord that since they had an opening for a leasing agent, they could hire me and/or reduce my rent and help me avoid possible eviction. That didn't happen.  They were not sympathetic at all and reiterated the late fee and eviction policy.  I didn't understand it.  If you have someone who has lived in your complex for over 6 years and has never been late and is a good renter, why can't you work with them? Especially when you have open position within your company and you could be the hero to help someone out? They had the opportunity to have a renter for life.  Now, I can't wait until I can find a different place and leave this place.  My car finance company gave me a two month deferral of payments for October and November, resuming in December.

I decided to spend some time on self maintenance while I still had insurance.  I got my teeth cleaned. Twice.  I got new glasses.  Bifocals. Then, I started to have serious stomach issues and had to also add a series of X-rays and an emergency room visit to my month.  I have to tell you - I can definitely see why people manufacture illnesses to go to the hospital.  I felt so safe and tended to in the hospital.  I had the most kind male nurse ever who brought me blankets and water and a remote control for the television and checked on me.  They weren't able to find anything wrong with me and said it was most likely stress and sent me home. I got a nice $1500 invoice for my troubles.  It's still unpaid.

I also decided to take advantage of the maintenance services of my apartment complex. I requested a clean out  and repainting of my utility closet because there was mold growing on the walls from previous water leaks and the apartment reeked of mildew.  Then, when that didn't get rid of the smell, I wrangled a free carpet cleaning out of them. That still didn't get rid of the smell and the carpet returned to its dingy self once the carpets dried. You get what you pay for.

I learned to love ramen noodles and eating what I already have on hand instead of running to the grocery store for deli foods and prepared foods.  I allowed myself $20 a week for groceries - to get staples like milk, eggs, fresh fruit.  I learned to maximize that money by looking for double coupon days and bogo deals.  I explored Dollar Tree's frozen foods and canned goods. 

I started to sleep a little later on Mondays and enjoy late night television.  Weekends meant nothing.  Every day was the same.  The only difference with Saturday and Sunday was that no one would be calling for interviews.

However, as the third week of October rolled around and the only interviews I could get were with insurance companies looking for motivated, self starters to work strictly on commission from home, without benefits, selling insurance products, I started to get a little worried. Luckily, I had gotten all of the funds I was waiting on and told myself I had bought myself another month.  Now, I needed to find something by the end of November.  I told myself to just sit back and take a breath and let things happen.  I kept applying.  Kept networking.  Every day, get up, do it all over again.  Lather, rinse, repeat. Persistence pays off.  My mood was still mostly positive.  More good than bad.  More up than down.  "This is going to be a great story some day," I said.  I was (and still am) keeping a journal of everything I did each day from how many jobs I applied for, what companies, where I went, what I did, what I ate, anything special about that day, my mood, my health, etc.

In the meantime, I dealt with several messages from former colleagues doing some curiosity seeking and trying to get me to tell them what had happened.  I refrained from saying too much.

Then, the week of my birthday, I got a call for an interview for an administrative job that was right up my alley.  The company seemed solid.  The pay was good.  THEY found me online and reached out to me, asking me to apply for the position.  

The interview went well.  They told me all about the company and even sent me to speak with someone about benefits who spent 10 minutes going over all of the benefits options, vacation, holidays, etc.  They gave me a glossy folder with information inside about the company's policies.  Why give that to someone if you weren't interested. I thought for sure that this was the break.  The one.  They told me I'd hear from them within a week.

Was it too good to be true?

To be continued....