Starting Over

Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over

I had a mini breakdown on 12/31/15 when I got news that work for my freelance gig was going to be practically nonexistent for awhile and while it wasn't much work or money, it gave me something to do, something to plan for.  With that being taken away, I felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I cried, drank a little and spent all of the 1st in bed watching television and refusing to accept reality.  I was done.  I decided I was just going to sit back and let whatever happens happen.

That lasted one day. With the start of the new year, I decided I was going to start over from the top and re-apply to every single job and company I had already contacted.

I decided that this time, I was going to copy and paste any job descriptions at the end of my resumes for the jobs so that if they were using keyword searching software on resumes, then mine would at least get picked even if I didn't have the qualifications.

Leaving the area was no longer a possibility because I had used the relocation money for January's bills.

I became more aggressive with my follow up.  I called companies trying to bypass the receptionists and get to actual people in Human Resources.  I would call at night and leave messages on voice mails.  I would find fax numbers and fax my resume in addition to applying online and/or emailing.

Fierce. Desperate.  The two words become almost equal in worth.

Rejection letters were fast and furious.  Some would come back within an hour or two of applying which made me a bit suspicious.  I also discovered that several of the job boards I had been using were just covers for lead generating websites. I'd apply for a job for some company and then I'd get calls, texts and emails for special offers, penis enlargement, mail order brides, vitamins, pay day loans, credit cards, etc etc etc.  All very frustrating.

Then, on 1/8/15, I had a phone interview for an entry level job at a mortgage company.  The interview lasted nearly 30 minutes and I got a really good vibe from the recruiter.  At the end of the call, she told me that she wished she had something for me, but the only job they had was entry level and I was overqualified for it.  I told her that I wasn't opposed to coming in entry level and working my way up the food chain. 

Then, one week later, I had another interview with the recruiter from the mortgage company.  The questions were more of the same, but a little deeper.  The interview lasted about an hour.  Then, at the end, she said the same as before - that she really wished they had something for me.

I also had a couple of other interviews that day - one for a scammy sales MLM job and one with a temp agency.

The next day, the mortgage company asked me to provide a list of professional references.  "No promises," the recruiter said.  "We just want to have your file ready in case."  They checked my references two days later.  My wonderful friends all wrote rave reviews of me and I tell you, it really made me feel loved.  It was almost like the end of It's A Wonderful Life when everyone rallies around George to help him save his bank and life.  I was so deeply touched by the kind words. I wanted to be hopeful -- a company doesn't go to that much effort if they plan on not offering you a job, right?

But, two summers ago, I went through 5 grueling interviews over the course of two months, even meeting with the president of the company AND taking a writing/editing test only to be told two months later that there hadn't been a job and they kept hoping one would come up while they were interviewing me.  So, with that in my head and heart, I didn't want to get too hopeful.  Yet, I did want to get hopeful.

Then, last Friday (the 23rd), the recruiter asked for writing samples.  I provided a nice assortment of samples and crossed my fingers.

Then, on the following Monday, I got invited to interview at 2:30 on Wednesday.

The interview lasted 1 1/2 hours and it was with two department heads.  I felt absolutely energized leaving that interview and at the end, they jokingly said, "This is where we go upstairs and fight over you" and I wanted to be hopeful, but my sensible side kept that emotion in check.  My friend Shelley kept saying, "oooooooh, they want you...." and I'd say no. This could be a repeat of the summer of 2013.

However, the next day, my wishes and prayers came true and the recruiter called me with a job offer and depending on when you read this, I may have already completed my first full day.

I cannot even begin to put into words the happiness and excitement I felt hearing that they had a job for me.  A job I want to do in a field I feel comfortable.  No training.  No sales.  No toting laptops from building to building.  They have a "no drama" philosophy and I had an overall positive feel for the company.  I have a feeling they treat their hard workers well.  

I am eager for this next chapter and wish it could have all happened sooner. 

The past 4 months were horrible.  I don't wish this on anyone.  The loneliness.  The fear.  The anxiety. The depression.  The self doubt.  Disappointment. Frustration. Anger.  Desolation. Desperation. My life has been an emotional roller coaster and every day, I prayed for a miracle of some sort.  Every day, I wished I could make people see things through my eyes and feel what I was feeling so that they could see what I was feeling and how I was feeling.

Some of my relationships are stronger because of the support I received and some of my relationships are weaker because of missed opportunities, selfishness, etc. I've pushed envelopes and tested boundaries.  Some people understood. Some people did not.

It is all behind me now.  I refuse to let any more negativity and criticism into my life.

I put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that the people who could not handle me during this dark time and expected me to be happy every minute of every day (I'm not a Disney movie) and gave up on me when I didn't jump to their commands are not going to be invited along on my new journey now that I'm turning things around. 

The biggest lesson I've learned is that times of hardship reveal what and who are important to a person.  I've also learned to value those people who are worth their weight in gold and just let go of those who are not.

The third thing that I do now when my world caves in,
is I pause, I take a breath, and bow and I let that chapter end.
I design my future bright not by where my life has been.
And I try, try, try, try, try again.
Yes I try, try, try, try, try again.
Things are looking up
I know beyond the dark the sun is rising
Things are looking up
And I know above the clouds the sun is shining
Things are looking
Love is still the answer I'm relying
On
- 3 Things, Jason Mraz