Hello, You Beautiful Thing

Looking out from a cul-de-sac watching the band
Of the Earth take the plaque of the night from the dirt
I can see from the depths of my readjusting eyes
A reflection of yes's and that ever-changing sky
But why do bad dreams linger long after I awake
I don't need no scenes of violence or pain replayed
And I feel quite foolish sometimes when I pray
But my thoughts are all I got so I try to make 'em brave
And I know, I know, it's gonna be a good day
Hello, hello, you beautiful thing
Hello, hello, you beautiful thing
Oh this is what I've been waiting for
(This is what I've been waiting for)

I can't believe it's been over 5 months since I last wrote a blog post.

It's been a good five months. For the first time, in a long time, I feel content.  I don't wake up in the morning dreading the day.  I don't hate Mondays and count down to Fridays.  Though, I do love a nice weekend of free time.  I've turned my back on negativity and refuse to let drama in.  I just don't have the time for it anymore.  I truly believe that if you do good things, think good things and say good things, you are rewarded.

I think back to January and how close I was to being homeless.  I was absolutely down to the point where I didn't know what to do or where to go and I was scared.  Rock bottom cry myself to sleep scared.  I've always considered myself a tough cookie.  I have been on my own since August 1987 and when the crap hits the fan, I always find a way to turn it around.  Now... I'm not perfect.  I've had a lot of time in the past year to reflect on the things I'm not proud of.  The gossip I got sucked into. The relationships that weren't healthy.  The victim mentality and jumping on bandwagons of those who were unhappy because I'd rather be unhappy with someone than happy alone.  Then, it all changed.  Someone took a chance on me at the last minute and opened up a world I never knew existed.  I smile more.  I laugh at least once a day.  I feel safe and secure in my world now.  I haven't taken any anti-anxiety medicine in over 4 months.  I sleep better.  I care about things again.  I want everyone else to feel just as happy as I feel inside.  

I am a writer.  I love that.  I love saying that I write for a living.  It's all I ever wanted to do.  A couple of years ago, I daydreamed about my perfect job.  I wanted to be surrounded by creative and eager people who shared a vision and passion.  People who didn't show up "to work" and "to go home" and complain all day about how much work there is.  I wanted to feel an energy of "we're doing something together" every day.  I wanted a contemporary office feel with updated computer equipment.  I wanted to be involved in trends and things that are exciting.  I wanted to be myself - to be perky and quirky.  To be serious and thoughtful.  I wanted to be independent but have a mentor nearby.  I wanted to sit down, do my thing and not worry about people breathing down my neck.  I wanted friends.  I wanted to be able to take a full hour lunch if I wanted to, or eat at my desk if I wanted to.  I wanted something that involved social media or blogging or marketing.  I also wanted to make a difference and be rewarded and recognized for my talents.  I wanted to make people smile and know that people didn't dread my opinions or thoughts or whatever random thought came out.  I wanted respect.

It was all a dream.  But, it came true and I am so grateful that it did.  I get all mushy about the job and people think I'm a little crazy.  I guess when you go searching for 30 years for that one place where you fit, it gets a little emotional.

I write full-time and I also have freelance stuff, too.  My freelance work has quadrupled since February and I enjoy that, too.  It's a few hours a week and it keeps my brain fresh.  Sometimes, I amazed by what I can write about.  I've had friends say that they wish they had my ability to just take a topic and make it my own.  I thank whomever blessed me with it.

So, I've been thinking about my next great accomplishment.  That accomplishment is to finally make the outside of me match the inside of me.

I've let myself go over the years.  I can give you a gazillion and one reasons and excuses but the number one reason was that unhappiness lived inside of me like a cancer.  It clouded my decisions. It sabotaged every attempt I made to break free.  I've had some restarts and set backs.  

I am tired of not having that part of me match everything else that I am feeling inside now.

Last weekend, I had this feeling that it was "time".  I suddenly felt excited about losing weight and getting healthy.  It's been a long time since I felt that fire.  I ordered a new scale, some portion control containers and some protein shake samples.  My biggest problem is portion control.  I did Weight Watchers and was very successful while I followed the plan.  Over the years, though, I've lost interest in weighing and measuring things and counting calories and points.  My attention span just can't handle that anymore.  So, I was watching an infomercial for this thing called the 21 Day Fix and it comes with these color coded portioned containers and all you have to do is eat X number of each container each day.  If it fits, you eat it.  I was like, "Where have you been all of my life?"  I can do that.

Over the course of the past week, I've been transitioning myself into this new eating mindset.  I knew I couldn't go from eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to perfectly portioned healthy high-protein meals.   I have been incorporating more water into my meals. I've been thinking about what I'm eating.  I have been slowly removing the trigger foods from my diet.  I've been reaching out to people to give me support and help me stay on track. 

The scale, shakes and containers come tomorrow.  I'm ready.  I'm excited.  

Now that I have the work thing making me happy, it's time for the health and wellness thing to get its crap together.  :)  Positive yields positive.

Let's see what my blog and I look like 5 months from now!