The First Thing I Do...

There are three things I do when my life falls apart
Number one I cry my eyes out and dry up my heart
Not until I do this will my new life start
So that’s the first thing that I do when my life falls apart.

I had planned on waiting until I had a job before writing a blog about my unemployment but have decided to start on the installments since it has taken longer than I expected.
 
October 3, 2014 seemed like any other day in my life.  I got up, got dressed and went to work. I was there early as usual and got right to work on end of the month reports for my boss. I needed to leave early that day for a doctor's appointment and worked through lunch.  I had all of the reporting done by noon and took a quick 15 minute break, something I don't normally do, and picked up some soup from a local food truck and went back to my desk.  The energy all week had been kind of off in the office.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but management seemed stressed and my supervisor seemed to be in some weird distant place every time I tried to talk to him about anything.  I recall making a comment to a co-worker that "something was brewing" and my gut didn't like the feeling.  I'm particularly susceptible to people's energy and things were tense and just.. weird.. for lack of a better word.  Little did I know how right I was.

Around 2:15, I got an IM from my boss's boss's boss asking me to meet him in HR.  It's never good when you are asked to meet someone in HR near the end of the day on a Friday. I took my purse because I was supposed to be leaving at 2:30 for my doctor's appointment and figured I'd leave from there. I didn't realize walking into that room that I'd be leaving and not returning.

Reduction in Force.  I get to go down in history as one of the few people my company has ever laid off.  In the nearly 7 years that I was there, I couldn't really think of anyone who had been laid off.  They always found another job for anyone whose position was being eliminated.  At first, being me, I didn't accept it.  I literally said, "This is a joke, right?" and looked from the HR manager to my boss's boss.  No sympathy in those eyes.  No acknowledgment of what they were doing.  Just... "It's not you. It's me. Please leave."

They took my badge and keys and walked me out like a common criminal.  I asked if I could say good bye.  I was told no.  I was so embarrassed being walked out.  I knew that within 15 minutes of my leaving the building, everyone who saw the walk of shame would be gossiping about it. That's how it works there.  One of my co-worker is notorious for being one of the first to share gossip so I texted her and told her I had been let go.  I wanted to make sure that it was clear I hadn't been fired. 

I sat in my car for a few minutes, numb.  It felt like I'd been fired.  It didn't feel like a valid exit.  All of the things went through my head that goes through anyone's head during a time like this. I'm a good worker.  I don't abuse the system.  Why am I being let go but my co-workers who creep in late, leave early and take numerous "breaks" all day long get to keep their jobs?  Then, I called my doctor and broke my appointment because it was for FMLA paperwork that I wouldn't be needing anymore.  Then, I texted someone I thought would understand, someone who would be rightly outraged on my behalf, someone who had an opportunity to be a really good friend, someone who, sadly, chose to hijack my moment of sharing and respond that they hated their job and wished they could be fired. Then... I cried.  

I cried all the drive home.  I don't even remember the drive.  I was on auto-pilot.  I came home, sat in a chair in my living room and just cried.  A teammate sent me a text telling me he'd be there for me if I wanted to talk but I was afraid it was a trick - that someone wanted him to text me to get the scoop and HR was very very clear that I was not to discuss the details of what happened with anyone from work, on that day and for several weeks afterward.  I'm not entirely sure what the repercussions were but I couldn't risk any more negative action from them. 

Within an hour of being laid off, I was in action mode.  That's how I am.  I allow myself some self-pity time but then I have to do something.  I was online researching unemployment, food stamps, medicare/medicaid, low-income housing, etc.  I was checking my bank balance and mentally calculating if I had enough money to cover October's bills. I was emailing people whom had talked to me about jobs in the past.  I was reaching out to former co-workers asking if they knew of any jobs. Before the weekend was over, I had already applied for 7 jobs and started my unemployment process.  In my mind, this was going to be a quick process and my company had done me a favor.  I was just too chicken to look outside the company for something new - the devil you know versus the devil you don't and all of that. Plus, I kept hoping karma would catch up with everyone else and if I just kept my mouth shut, did my job and kept my nose clean, I'd be the one coming out on top. If I had known what was going to happen to me, I think I probably would have taken more breaks and my full lunch more often.

In my mind, I had this great fantasy that I was going to just get a new job right away and then post it on LinkedIn and everyone who could see my profile would be envious that I had gotten out.  Like a prisoner who is still stuck on the inside watching a former prisoner get paroled.

A friend helped me secure a freelance part-time writing gig about a week after I lost my job and  I saw this as a sign that things would be okay.  I'd earn some money and experience writing and then be able to keep that as a side source of income once I got a full time job.  It wasn't going to be much work and sporadic at best, but it was going to be something.

I tried to keep my routine as normal as possible.  I didn't get up at 6:30 a.m. like I used to, but I was still getting up before 8:00 a.m. and I would hop on the computer and spend my day looking for work.  This was my new job.  I registered with every temp agency I could find.  I updated my resume on all of the major job boards.  I updated my profile on LinkedIn. I checked craigslist.  I signed up for talent networks at major corporations.  I googled and searched, searched and applied.  I tweaked my resume about a dozen times, trying to make it stand out.  Every job application had its own resume and cover letter.  I applied for food stamps and medical assistance and got turned down.  I was accepted for unemployment but it would take a few weeks to kick in.  I cashed out my 401k, a life insurance policy and waited patiently for my final check from my job.  I figured that I would be "fine" until the end of November if all the money could make it to me by the end of October.  It was hairy.  I was pretty panicked.  A few friends sent me some cash to help with groceries and day-to-day expenses.  A few others sent me a few gift cards.  Early birthday gifts. I knew I had no safety net and I kept trying to explain to people what that feels like, but it's hard to explain something they don't understand.  Everyone has someone it seems.  I don't.  Not really.  I've always been a bit of a loner and my family has not really been that supportive of me.  I got a lot of "I'm thinking of you", "I'm praying for you" and "Hang In There" comments.  It was frustrating.  When you are lying in bed, trying to not think of the "worst case" scenario, the prayers and well wishes seem hollow.  I can't go to my landlord and say, "Hey, I can't make rent this month but three of my friends prayed for me last night so it's going to be okay."

I wrote to my landlord and car finance company asking for some sort of assistance.  I proposed to my landlord that since they had an opening for a leasing agent, they could hire me and/or reduce my rent and help me avoid possible eviction. That didn't happen.  They were not sympathetic at all and reiterated the late fee and eviction policy.  I didn't understand it.  If you have someone who has lived in your complex for over 6 years and has never been late and is a good renter, why can't you work with them? Especially when you have open position within your company and you could be the hero to help someone out? They had the opportunity to have a renter for life.  Now, I can't wait until I can find a different place and leave this place.  My car finance company gave me a two month deferral of payments for October and November, resuming in December.

I decided to spend some time on self maintenance while I still had insurance.  I got my teeth cleaned. Twice.  I got new glasses.  Bifocals. Then, I started to have serious stomach issues and had to also add a series of X-rays and an emergency room visit to my month.  I have to tell you - I can definitely see why people manufacture illnesses to go to the hospital.  I felt so safe and tended to in the hospital.  I had the most kind male nurse ever who brought me blankets and water and a remote control for the television and checked on me.  They weren't able to find anything wrong with me and said it was most likely stress and sent me home. I got a nice $1500 invoice for my troubles.  It's still unpaid.

I also decided to take advantage of the maintenance services of my apartment complex. I requested a clean out  and repainting of my utility closet because there was mold growing on the walls from previous water leaks and the apartment reeked of mildew.  Then, when that didn't get rid of the smell, I wrangled a free carpet cleaning out of them. That still didn't get rid of the smell and the carpet returned to its dingy self once the carpets dried. You get what you pay for.

I learned to love ramen noodles and eating what I already have on hand instead of running to the grocery store for deli foods and prepared foods.  I allowed myself $20 a week for groceries - to get staples like milk, eggs, fresh fruit.  I learned to maximize that money by looking for double coupon days and bogo deals.  I explored Dollar Tree's frozen foods and canned goods. 

I started to sleep a little later on Mondays and enjoy late night television.  Weekends meant nothing.  Every day was the same.  The only difference with Saturday and Sunday was that no one would be calling for interviews.

However, as the third week of October rolled around and the only interviews I could get were with insurance companies looking for motivated, self starters to work strictly on commission from home, without benefits, selling insurance products, I started to get a little worried. Luckily, I had gotten all of the funds I was waiting on and told myself I had bought myself another month.  Now, I needed to find something by the end of November.  I told myself to just sit back and take a breath and let things happen.  I kept applying.  Kept networking.  Every day, get up, do it all over again.  Lather, rinse, repeat. Persistence pays off.  My mood was still mostly positive.  More good than bad.  More up than down.  "This is going to be a great story some day," I said.  I was (and still am) keeping a journal of everything I did each day from how many jobs I applied for, what companies, where I went, what I did, what I ate, anything special about that day, my mood, my health, etc.

In the meantime, I dealt with several messages from former colleagues doing some curiosity seeking and trying to get me to tell them what had happened.  I refrained from saying too much.

Then, the week of my birthday, I got a call for an interview for an administrative job that was right up my alley.  The company seemed solid.  The pay was good.  THEY found me online and reached out to me, asking me to apply for the position.  

The interview went well.  They told me all about the company and even sent me to speak with someone about benefits who spent 10 minutes going over all of the benefits options, vacation, holidays, etc.  They gave me a glossy folder with information inside about the company's policies.  Why give that to someone if you weren't interested. I thought for sure that this was the break.  The one.  They told me I'd hear from them within a week.

Was it too good to be true?

To be continued....

Holding Back the Years

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I've known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I was originally going to call this the "If I could turn back time" post, but I did not want to have Cher running through my head for the rest of the day.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the past and asking myself a lot of "how did I end up like this?" type questions.  I look around me and I have stuff - most of it sentimental in value, but worthless otherwise - and soon, I'm going to have to come up with a plan for this stuff because unless I get a job soon, homeless is a very real possibility.  The fear of this keeps me awake at night. What is so important to me to take with me?  What can I leave behind?  What do I do with the rest? Is there anything worth selling? Do I just put it all in storage? How will I feel when I see it out on the curb after eviction?

As these questions swirl through my head, I think back to a time when things were much simpler and I didn't even realize it.  I find myself wishing I could find something "like that" now.

Twenty years ago, I was working a full-time job as a child care consultant making a little more than minimum wage (which I think was $4.35 or something like that) and working part-time as an evening office manager for a community center/boarding house place.  I lived in a furnished room in the boarding house upstairs.  Everything I owned was in one room.  When I went to bed at night, I could see all of my worldly possessions. I didn't really "want" for more.  If I didn't have the room for it or the money for it, I didn't buy it.  If I bought something new, I tossed out something old to make room for the new thing.  My wardrobe was modest.  I drove a Ford Escort. I didn't have a cell phone or a pager. I used calling cards for long-distance calling from a payphone in the living room of the boarding house.  I shared a bathroom and kitchen with 14 other women.  My biggest and most expensive possession was a brand new Packard Bell computer system complete with a dial up modem and dot matrix printer that I was financing through Sun TV (which later became HH Gregg.)  I paid $30 a week for rent.  There was a dining room in the boarding house that was open to the public and because I worked and lived there, I got a discount so my dinners were usually made and eaten there. I walked to a lot of the places I went, eventhough I had a car.  Parking was a premium and once you found a good parking spot near the center, you didn't want to lose it.  I was a bit healthier.  I had friends. I even had a love life. I traveled.  My luxury was books.  I loved books.  When I moved out, 75% of my wordly possessions were either books or clothing.

All my life, I didn't have "much".  I grew up poor, lived in a mobile home until I left for college.  Then, a dorm room doesn't give you much space to expand either.  I spent the first 28 years of my life living in spaces that forced me to economize and prioritize.  As long as I was happy, that's all that mattered.

Then, in 1996, I got an itching to live in the "big city" and in an apartment.  More space meant the need for more things. More things meant more debt.  More debt meant more work.  More work meant more stress.  Once you started, you couldn't stop.  At least, I couldn't.  I gained weight. I made bad choices.  I had to keep going and going and going.  I attached feelings to my things.  Seeing my things made me feel good.  Being able to buy things made me feel good.  I would try to buy friendships.  I would try to buy affection. 

Now, I want to go back.  I want to have that peaceful non-materialistic life I had before.  I wish I could find a nice quaint boarding house set up like I had 20 years ago (and trust me, I've been looking) where Abby and I can sort of reboot and start over.  I've looked for "rooms for rent" type ads, but the offerings here sound scary or they won't allow pets.  I'm not looking for a "roommate" situation because I don't want to compete with another person for use of an apartment and try to build some sort of rapport and pray that the person doesn't rape me, kill me, or steal from me.  I want my own room in a monitored space with other people coming and going from their own rooms in this monitored space.  I don't want to live in some stranger's basement or garage and worry about them not paying their mortgage and being evicted.  I watch enough Judge Judy to see the horror stories about people who came home to find their stuff ransacked, stolen, or tossed out because some landlord got into a snit.  I've been looking for studio apartments outside of this area, but I need a job to get an apartment.

Last night, I couldn't sleep for a variety of reasons, and as I lay in bed, I was mentally cataloging the things in each room of my apartment as "keep, sell, donate or toss" items.  It forced me to realize the things that are important to me.

• Abby
• My photo albums
• An old family bible that is 46 years old
• My laptop and printer
• Some of my older books
• A couple pieces of jewelry
• 5-6 outfits
• 2-3 pairs of shoes
• Legal documents and tax documents
• Medical records for me and Abby
• A portable generator for jumping my car
• My Kindle
• A television
• A tiny combination bank I've had since I was a kid
• Some diaries from when I was in junior high
• A few good pens
• A few good notebooks

When I really look around at my stuff, I want to keep it all, but I realize that it doesn't make me happy.

One huge thing I've realized is that if I could turn back time and have a do-over, knowing what I know, I would have tried to do more with less, like I was doing 20 years ago.

People keep asking me why I can't just go out and get a part time or minimum wage job and I wish I could.  There was a time when I could.  Health reasons that prevent me from doing some of those jobs aside, I can't get off of this money-eating machine.  I want to.  But, right now, I can't.

I have a lease that isn't up until May.  My landlord will not work with me to reduce my rent.  I've asked.  I can't get a cheaper apartment without a job and fairly decent credit score.  If I take a place that doesn't check credit or require a job like a motel or shady craigslist ad, then I risk being sued for breaking my lease.  I lose my deposit, too.  A lot of places require at least six months of work history for an apartment.

So, I feel stuck.  I know I need to downsize my life and go back to a simpler less expensive lifestyle.

I need a job.  I can't get a job.  I'm trying.  Every day and every way.  I'm trying.  My ego and esteem have taken quite the beating because I arrogantly thought I'd have something within a few weeks.  I've applied for the part time jobs and the minimum wage jobs.  I've networked.  I've signed on with temp agencies.

As for expenses, I'm doing everything I can to keep those as low as I can, too.  I'm not eligible to refinance my car.  Bad credit score from mistakes I made two years ago.  Then, when I got the newer car two years ago, I had to roll over a loan balance which made my payments higher.  I have the lowest legal coverages for insurance.  I have a pay as you go cell phone.  I don't take my prescription medications as often as I should so that I can make them last longer. I've applied for food stamps and assistance and got rejected. I cashed out my 401k and a life insurance policy. I can't get credit cards. I don't have rich friends or family members.

I made a promise to the Powers That Be last night that if I can please please please get a job that falls some place within a certain salary range by the end of the month, then I promise I will streamline and prioritize and get back to the way of life that is meaningful so that if this happens again, I won't be blind sided.  I will find a smaller and less expensive place to live, even if I have to buy a gun to live there.  I will cancel cable as soon as my contract is up (I tried to cancel it, but the early termination fee made it cheaper to just keep it for right now) and watch all of my television online, if I need to watch it at all. I will see if I can find a beater car and then surrender my shiny newish car back to the finance company.

I just need a chance.  I get it.  I lost control.  It's my fault.

Now I need a miracle to change it.

And people to help me pack up the stuff, sell the stuff, move the stuff...

I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

Talking About A Resolution

Chasing dragons with plastic swords
Jack off Jimmy, everybody wants more
Scully and angel on the kitchen floor
And I'm calling Buddy on the ouija board
I've been thinking 'bout catching a train
Leave my phone machine by the radar range
Hello it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone
A change would do you good
A change would do you good
Hello, it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone

Every January 1, I feel like I should join in with the rest of the world and make a to-do list of all of the things I want to accomplish in the next 365 days... all of the things I didn't completely accomplish in the 45 times 365 days up to now.

What would this list look like?

1. Lose Weight.  Well, okay... that was a goal last year.  I did lose weight.  Then, I regained it and never re-lost it.  So, the goal would have to be a little more precise.  "Lose weight.  Never find it again."
2. Go to the gym more. I went once last year.  Once.  I paid $10 a month every month just to have the opportunity to go.  The one time I went, I remembered how much I hate going to the gym. I don't like waiting to use machines.  Then, I don't like being watched by others who are waiting to use machines. I hated gym class in school so I don't know why I'd even remotely think I'd enjoy going to something that equates to a large gym class... that I pay for.  Still... if I go to the gym twice this year, I've accomplished this goal.
3. Save money.  This was a goal last year too.  I received a tax refund and placed it in my savings account.  It stayed there for about a month until property taxes on my car came due along with all of Abby's annual vaccinations and license fee.  But, I did save for a little bit.

Making these lists is too stressful and too much like setting myself up for failure.  So, I decided this year to just have one goal.  My goal for this year is to do more of the things that make me happy and less of the things that don't make me happy.  The first part includes trusting myself more and trusting my instinct more.   

All of my "low points" from last year center around allowing others to guide how I think, feel and act/react. My plan for 2014 is to do less of that -- to be more genuine, more authentic and to trust my instincts. I ignored my "spidey sense" more than I should have and invited people into my life who gossiped about me and turned on me. I ignored warning signs that friendships were lopsided and imbalanced. I pretended I didn't notice that someone I loved didn't value me as much as I valued him. I kept talking myself out of the fact that my job is killing me and that the people who should be helping me be successful there aren't helping me.

Then, I started to think about how much fun keeping resolutions would be if we weren't so serious.

Fun resolutions:

• To wear something red every Wednesday.
• To part my hair on the opposite side at least once a week to see if anyone knows.
• To clap and say "yippee" every time someone tells me that they have to go to the bathroom.
• Whenever I meet someone new, I'm going to ask them where they are from and then use the first letter of the city or town in as many words as I can in a conversation with them until they start to get suspicious.
• To have sex by myself, with someone, and/or in my dreams at least once a month. 
• Feature a different letter of the alphabet for my meal planning each day for at least a month.
• Respond to people with "word" as if it's the most natural response to whatever they are saying. 

You get the idea.  Wouldn't you be more prone to feel successful if you invited more fun and frivolity into your life instead of focusing on all of the serious "should do" and "must do" stuff?

Life's too short.  A change.... a fun change... could do me good.

Bev's Blog - The Early Years

Before I joined blogger, I had a blog on a website called tv.com which was linked to gamespot.com.  My tv.com blog is long gone but the gamespot blog is still there.

If you'd like to see what life was like for me from 2005 - 2009, this is the place to go.

It's actually quite interesting to read my growth from then until 2009.

http://www.gamespot.com/users/booksnbeach4me/blog

Brains

I had this super weird dream last night that I was on an investigative team sent to find out why people were still turning into zombies long after the zombie plague had been taken care of and all of the zombies had been killed.

It was like a sci fi movie. My team and I went into this large bunker - very military like - and there were metal storage containers stacked on top of each other.  I opened one and inside were cardboard boxes with names written on the boxes.  I opened a few boxes and there were dead/killed zombies inside the boxes.  

I happened to notice a lot of flies and maggots festering in the cardboard and speculated to my partner that maybe the flies were spreading the zombie virus.  He said it was worth looking into so we did a test on the flies and sure enough, they were landing on the zombies and then landing on live people and infecting them with the zombie virus.  

We then had to take on the flies, which seemed almost impossible to kill with sprays and insecticides.  So I suggested that we crush their heads as if they were little zombies themselves... and it worked.

Weird Dreams

Blog # 2 today.

No song lyrics for this one.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having an increase in my dreaming and my dreams have been pretty wild.  Some include people I know.  Some don't.

Last weekend, I had a dream that I lived in a new condo and every time I used the washing machine (which was on the first floor), water would pour out of the light fixture in my kitchen (which was also on the first floor).  I called a male friend and told him to come over and fix it.  He showed up and I was running around in a Snoopy beach towel, all frustrated because I just wanted to have the mess taken care of.  He kept trying to make conversation with me while tinkering with pipes and connectors to my washing machine.  I was getting irritated and told him to just get it fixed pronto because I needed to get dressed for a bachelor auction.  He told me that I needed to stop wasting time chasing strangers and look at what was right under my nose. I made a face at him and then woke up.

Then, the night before last, I had a dream that I showed up for work at this very modern office space.  It was not the company I currently work for.  The layout was very open and the office furniture and cubicles all looked new and fancy.  Lots of feng shui vibe going on.  It was like the company took great pains and a lot of money to encourage a peaceful and creative spirit.  My cubicle had high and low walls and the desk was sort of curved, as if to promote ergonomics.  My back wall was high and had a frosty blue glass panel and small ledge that I could put knick knacks on.  My computer was sleek and stylish.  I had colorful gadgets and office supplies on my desk.  Sitting in the middle of my desk was a vase with a single hot pink gerbera daisy in it.  There was a folded note that said, "Someone as sweet as you deserves a Valentine."  No name was on the card but the handwriting was male.  I smiled and looked around but the office was still empty - like I was the first one to arrive.  I was wearing a pretty dress that had boat neck, fitted bodice and flowy A-line skirt that came to my knees.  The dress was white/off white and had a swirly black print on it.  I was wearing a short pink cardigan with the dress. I felt feminine and pretty.  I was wearing a pink ribbon in my hair as a headband.  I felt very old-fashioned in a very modern world.  I looked at my digital calendar on my desk and it was Feb 14.  Then, I woke up.

Last night, I had several dreams.

In one, I dreamt that I bought a kit online to build my own spaceship.  It was made of this superlight space-travel safe material that was bright yellow.  Big Bird yellow.  The space ship looked like a really large toxic waste trash can.  I was in space, looking out the window, wearing normal clothing, no zero gravity or anything, looking down on the world and thinking how cool it was that I was in space.  Then, I noticed a readout that said, “Time to impact” and it had a timeframe.  Then, next to it was a readout “Oxygen remaining” and had a timeframe.  The amount of oxygen time was two minutes less than the time to impact.  I realized I was going to be without oxygen for at least two minutes and this freaked me out so I started to panic, thinking of how I could escape without killing myself.  I found a saw and notched out an escape hatch in the wall and then just as the oxygen ran out, I kicked out the hatch and flew from the space ship and landed on a sandy beach. Bounced on it like a cartoon character. No injuries. The space ship continued on without me.  Before I hurled myself out the hatch, I grabbed my phone and texted (obviously you can text from space) all of my friends: “In case I don’t make, I love you.”  Very vague.  I went around telling everyone about my space ship adventure and no one would believe me.  I described it, my hatch, etc and people would laugh at me.  Then, one of my male friends was there and asked me what the hell my text meant and said that he thought I was going to kill myself and it freaked him out.  I told him about the spaceship and he said, “Let’s go find it”.  So, we got into a jeep and drove down the beach and there was the space ship, sticking up out of the sand, with all of these people and reporters standing around.  I said, “See!!” and then I woke up!

Then, I had one where I had a talk show like the “Dog Whisperer” and women would bring their boyfriends to me and I would stand near them and then tell them if the guy was “gay” or “not gay”.  It was like a talk show/reality show.  Just me sniffing these men’s necks and making a decision about their sexuality.  Then, the guys who were gay, I kept to the side to be friends.  They were happy and kept chattering about how much fun we were going to have.  The women were mad at me but I didn’t care. Maybe that’s my calling.  My purpose is not to find love for myself, but to help men find themselves and know that I will not be lonely because I will be surrounded by men who like me as I am. 

Then, I had a dream that my company sent a bunch of us on some sort of expedition to this village that had tons of market places and shops to “spread the word and bring back new business”.  I was there with an odd assortment of people from my life and work.  I kept wanting to buy things instead of finding new clients.  But, I didn’t want the things for me, I wanted them for other people.  The guy who runs the mailroom at work pulled me aside and told me that I cannot keep trying to give people what I think they want and told me people want me not my things.  Then, I woke up.

Then, I also had a dream that I was at the grocery store and I saw one of my male friends there with another man and they looked and acted like a couple.  I have suspected that the male might be gay but I can't confirm it and he won't confirm it. Not that it matters.  But, they were laughing and joking and being silly together.  They didn't see me.  My male friend said to the other guy, "I wish my friend Bev was here.  She gets along really well with gay men.  She'd love you!" or something like that.  Then, I woke up.

Soooo --- love, romance, gay men, world travel, space travel, friendship, food....  all with meanings if I spend more time analyzing them.

Collide

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide

I was playing a mindless game of SongPop on Facebook earlier and this song came up in Love Songs.  I guessed it in 1.3 seconds.  I love the song Collide by Howie Day.  I was looking at the date of the song and it said 2003.  I can't believe the song is 10 years old.  That just doesn't seem like it's right.  Every time I hear the song, it feels like the first time I've heard it and I immediately find myself singing along with it, top of my lungs.  I think it is just one of those songs for me that will be in the soundtrack of my life. 

Now, I know -- as far as songs go, there are better songs.  There are more meaningful songs.  But this song... it digs into my soul.

If you really listen to it... if you read the lyrics... to me, it sounds like the song is about two people who have a push-pull relationship.  Love-hate.  Whatever you want to call it.  They seem like opposites yet they keep coming back together.  That one short song summarizes just about every romantic relationship I've ever had (sans happy ending.)  Fear, interest, hope, dismay, push, pull, love, hate.  It's all there.  A romance novel set to music.  With a semi-happy ending.  The other party finally realizes what the first party knew all along.  They were meant to come together.  To collide.  My favorite part of the song, though, is the opening verse.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah

I often wake up on the weekend, alone, all snuggly in bed and wonder what it would be like to roll over and see the sunlight reflect off of the face or hair or shoulder of someone lying beside me.  Someone other than Abby. Someone who is the love of my life and with whom I don't mind being tangled - physically and emotionally.  Someone with whom I collide.

Maybe this year.  No.  Definitely this year.

This is not going to be a blog about loving and losing.  I was just listening to this song and thought, "Man, I want to tell people why I like this song" and so I wrote a blog.  If I ever get married, this song will be at my wedding.

The Last Song

Did you know I'd go to sleep
And leave the lights on
Hopin' you'd come by
And know that I was home and still awake
But two years go by and still my lights on
This is hard for me to say
But this is all that I can say

It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last time that I'll tell you
Just how much I really care
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you

I've been thinking a lot about ending the blog.  A lot.  This is not an act to get attention.  I just don't enjoy writing it anymore.

You see, I've been going through some changes these past few months and my goals in life and my desires in life are changing. 

In our new hire training class, we show this DVD of Randy Pausch's Last Lecture.  Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a few months to live.  He decided to do a "last lecture" at CMU listing his childhood dreams and lessons learned.  He mentions the "head fake" -- where you do one thing but your goal is actually something else.  Like -- teaching someone a computer programming language but making it so fun that they think they are just designing games.  His whole lecture was a "head fake" -  he made it sound like he was recalling his life lessons but really, he was giving advice to his young children on how he wanted them to live their lives - with no regrets.  I saw the video a long time ago, back when he was still alive, and it made an impact on me then.   I still get these chills when I watch it now.  There is a lot to be said for the life lessons he wants his children to learn.  Google the transcript or the video and listen/watch with an open heart and open mind.  There are gems. We can all learn from it.

So - here's my head fake.  This blog.... well...  I intended it to be an accounting of whimsical dating stories, funny observations, and my own life lessons, offset by song lyrics.  The reality is - the entire blog -- the whole year's worth of writings (all 200+ entries) were actually intended for two men in life.  Two men I wanted to know more about me. I wanted to give them a "cheat sheet" of sorts about me.  How to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to get to know me.  I know I can be difficult at times.  I've been told I can be too aloof.  I can be too moody. ("doom and gloom" as a friend puts it.)  I've had a lot of rough times in my life.  I've had a lot of fun in my life.  I have ambitions and dreams.  I've been in love and I've been hurt. I wanted a shot at showing these men who I really am inside.  I can't exactly walk up to these men and say, "Hey, look, here's what I want you to know about me and I think that if you know this about me, you will realize just how great we could be together... as friends... as more than friends... whatever."  Oh, I've tried.  But, they just aren't interested in me that way.  Or in any way.  I gave it a valiant effort.  One of the men is from my past.  One of the men is from my present.  Ironically, I don't think either man has read more than one or two of my entries. 

My head fake failed and to be honest, I think I need to spend some time living life instead of approaching everything as a possible blog entry or way to impress someone who doesn't want to be impressed.  I think it's time for me to go back to keeping a journal of these personal thoughts and focus on other types of writing -- lighter, funnier.  Less about me.  More universal. Something that will help me make money some day and let me live in that big ole beach house on a cliff overlooking a tumultuous sea.

So - as my "swan song" of sorts until I can figure out what happens next-- I leave you with a bunch of random thoughts circulating my head.  Observations, ponderances, stuff.  Things I'm thinking.  Things I wished I had said.  Things I wish I hadn't said. :)

When I have a cold and mention it to a co-worker, instead of offering sympathy, the first thing she does is screech that I'd better not get her sick.  Nevermind that when she's sick, she snorts and sneezes and coughs on everyone and doesn't care if she gets anyone sick.


When I have a cold, my singing voice improves.  It's very odd.  I sound like Adele.  Of course, it could just be my imagination.


When I win the lottery, in addition to having someone make me breakfast every day and lemon bars once a month, I also want home-made chicken noodle soup when I have a cold.

My hormones are going crazy.  I don't know if it's some weird pre-menopause thing or what.  But, I think about sex almost all the time.  Yeah, I know, too much information.  I'm going out with a bang.  ;)  I have these vivid sex dreams.  I don't know if it is because I read that damned Fifty Shades of Grey or what.  But, I think it's a sign I probably need to reconsider cancelling my dating profiles.

Living on a budget sucks.  But it also has opened my eyes to how much money I spend on things I don't really need to survive.  I'm on a straight cash budget now.  I withdraw $X on pay day for groceries and day to day expenses.  When the money is gone, I'm done spending until the next pay day.  It's been hairy.  But, I'm doing it.  I buy dollar store brands and have gotten pretty creative with the stuff in my freezer and cupboards.  


Cats are expensive.  I never realized how expensive Abby's food and cat litter were until I had to start paying cash.  She doesn't like cheap food or litter.  I've tried to introduce them into her life.  I put out inexpensive cat food and she didn't eat the entire day and meowed for two solid hours until she was hoarse one night when I got home from work, begging for the expensive stuff. I figured that she'd break down and eat the cheap stuff eventually.  I was wrong.  I felt like a bad cat mommy.  So, I've caved.  Thank goodness for cat food coupons.

I like wearing dresses again.  I like the way I look and feel when I wear them.  I like the attention and compliments I get.  I'm willing to eat more salad and skip snacks so that I can fit into them.  I've never really been a "pants" kind of girl.  I think I would have been quite happy living in the 50s and 60s with those great Marilyn Monroe type dresses.

I'm thinking about moving some place else.  Any place else.  Away from here.  A few weeks ago, I tried to make a list of all of the things I'd miss if I left Virginia and other than people and a dolphin watching cruise, I couldn't think of one wonderful thing I'd miss.  I've been trying to fall in love with the place.  I've been going to festivals and parks and events.  I've been trying to keep an open heart and open mind.  But, I don't feel like this is home for me anymore.  I want some place smaller, quieter.  Less congested. But, where?  I am honestly thinking about putting all 50 states into a hat and picking one and just finding something there.


I keep having fantasies about what it would be like to be stranded on an island Blue Lagoon-style with a man.  See bullet above about hormones.


I've turned my back on a friend who is having problems and I worry that Karma is gonna kick me in the metaphorical nuts. (Coz I don't really have nuts to be kicked.)  I did it out of "tough love" because they need to make some decisions without my help or interference.  I worry about them every day and wish I could fix things for them.



I was more adventurous with foods when I was a kid than I am now.  I think back to how I would try just about anything when I was a kid but now, I'm pretty set in my ways and like what I like.  I'd suck as a judge on a cooking show.

I think I'd enter into a relationship like that in 50 Shades of Grey with the right person.

I also think I'd probably try to make him fall in love with me, which would defeat the whole purpose of the relationship.

I considered suicide twice in my life.  It doesn't matter when or why.  In the end, the "hope" of something better kept me from actually doing it, but I came close both times.  Had the letters written and everything.

I cry when I see dead animals on the side of the road and wonder what little animal family is missing a mom, dad, brother or sister.  If it's a pet-type animal, I wonder what little boy or girl is missing their pet.  

I sometimes think about jumping in my car and just driving away, leaving everything behind.

I talk back to television characters.

I still know most of the quotes and lines from FRIENDS.  I've been watching it every night in repeats.  Reminds me of a happier time.  "When were you ever under me?" 

I purposely included "mushy" songs in the play list that I gave a friend in hopes of softening him up a little because he always seems to be so down on love and anything remotely mushy, that I figured I could expose him to the music and he'd be less negative about it, so that maybe he'll be a happier person.

When I meet new people, I google them to see what I can find out about them, just for giggles.  Nothing too deep.  I also google myself every now and then to see what's out there about me.

Happiness and a positive outlook are great appetite suppressants.  Even if you have to fake it.

I'm hopeful for change and new things in my life. Including, possibly, a relationship.  I'm also thinking about looking into adopting or fostering a child once I get my money issues taken care of.  I need a purpose. Something long term, emotional and serious.

You Oughta Know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Do you think that we are intrinsically drawn to the same kinds of people without realizing it? 

Someone from my past reached out to me recently and told me he has found someone and she is a blonder and thinner version of me. He told me all of the things he likes about her and they are all qualities I possess. We have similar careers and hobbies. He said the kind of car she drives and it's like mine, sort of. We both drive an SUV. The only real difference is that she has been married and I haven't been. He even said, "She's a lot like you." I have no desire to have him back in my life and as Adele says, "I wish him the best..." Still, makes me wonder... Does our heart automatically seek out people like other people we are attracted to/have been attracted to? Even in the friend category, do we replicate what we like over and over?

I found it odd that he wanted to tell me that he found "someone like me".  I was flattered that he has chosen someone like me to be his life-partner.   Still, it was a bit unnerving to discover that there is someone out there who can offer a man the things I thought were uniquely me. I didn't like hearing that she has a sarcastic sense of humor, can whip up a mean home-cooked meal, makes arts and crafty things for people's birthdays and loves animals. She likes to travel, entertain and hang out with friends in quiet settings. She loves to read and go to the beach.  She is a development coach for a company and helps train/hire adults.  She drives (badly) an SUV which he hates because he's avidly environmental and thinks Satan himself invented the SUV.  Blah, blah, blah. I know he was telling me these things to prove to me that he can settle down with "the girl next door".  We only dated briefly and remained casual friends since we stopped dating.  I wasn't that serious about him but at the time, he was looking for someone more glamorous and I wasn't in the mood to be someone more glamorous. He thought his career was going a certain direction and he'd need the glossy trophy wife. I may clean up nice but I'm not into that lifestyle.  

The whole email exchange has made me think, though, about the things that draw people to one another. 

I have a friend who has been struggling with her feelings for a guy she knows.  (Here's the shocker - for once, I'm not writing about me and my relationship woes.) She's a bit younger than me.  We met through a previous job and kept in touch.  I fancy myself the wise, older sister.  She and this other young man work together on a charity project.  When she first met him, she told me, "He's not like any guy I've ever met before.  We clicked immediately.  He thinks I'm smart, funny and cute.  We flirt all the time.  I think this is going to be great."  (I'm taking creative liberties.  It was two years ago.  I can't remember the exact conversation, but basically, she met a wonderful guy who made her feel wonderful and treated her wonderfully.)

Over the course of the past couple of years, I've been privy to all sorts of endearing stories.  He went to a zoo and he bought her a stuffed zebra because it had some sort of sentimental reason for them.  She rode her first roller coaster because he dared her to do it.  He called her on her birthday to sing to her, at the exact time she was born.  They have pet names and special code for things they say to one another.  She saves his texts.  He likes to try to make her laugh when she's trying to be serious.  Cute stuff.  Stuff that Nora Ephron would be all over in Hollywood, set to upbeat Colbie Caillat music about finding that love that makes your whole world brighter than the sun.   She swears that she is in love with him and that she "thinks" he's in love with her.  She thought he knew how she felt about him.  She said she tells him things all the time about how grateful she is that she met him.  She tells him that she hopes she has him in her life forever.  She said she even gave him a "love you, too" comment when he said something snarky to her and he winked at her. However... they have not as much as kissed.  Two years.

Being me, I asked her, "Is he gay?"   She assured me he's not gay and that they talk about sex all the time.  They even flirt about it and he'll say things like, "I bet I could rock your world".  Yet...  nothing.

So, I asked her, "Is there a chance he's seeing someone you don't know about?  Maybe he isn't available?"  I even took it a step further and asked how often they go out and "how" he introduces her to people.

Yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut about that one.

He doesn't take her out.  Ever.  Their only interactions are at the charity events they do together with their mutual cohorts.

Turns out, he also has another female friend that he likes to do things with.  My friend said that she's always known that the other friend exists.  But, they've never met.  She knows her name.  She knows they lived in the same dorm "quad" in college and then later, in graduate school, they lived in a house with several other people.  Now, they live in the same apartment complex.

Being me, being in a honey badger mood, I said to her, "You need to find out where you stand and why he won't let the two of you meet."  (Now, I was not trying to incite drama.  You know how much I hate that.  I was just trying to encourage my friend who is 100% in love with this guy to make sure she wasn't setting herself up for heartache.)

Well, she was able to meet the female friend after much begging and fenangling, whom he insists is "just a friend" (you all know my feelings about that one).

She said to me that they were so much alike that it was scary.  She said that if they had met in any other circumstances, she probably would have wanted to hang out with the woman because they got along that well. She said there was some awkwardness when the two women realized that they had no clue that the other even existed though.  She said her male friend was kind of tense during the meeting and he seemed uncharacteristically silent. She said he wasn't his charming self and seemed almost afraid of what the two women would say to each other.

I asked her if he seemed to have any sort of attraction to the other woman or vice versa.  She said that the other woman did act more like a girlfriend meeting her boyfriend's colleague than a female friend meeting her male friend's romantic interest.  She said the woman was very touchy feely and used "we" a lot.  She said that she mentioned their standing "date" to watch a certain TV show together.  She did a lot of territory marking, according to my friend.

After she was done, I have to tell you, I didn't like the guy very much.  I have never met him.  They both live in Ohio.  However, if I did meet him, I'd probably tell him to grow a set and make a choice.  Pick one of the women.

I've been contemplating this.  He is obviously attracted to a certain type.  But, yet, he won't commit to either woman.  That is bizarre and smacks of stunted emotional development.  And sadly, as long as both women keep giving him what he needs without him having to choose, he'll keep on doing it.

I also had to think about sex.  Two years is a long time for a man to not have sex.  Women -- we can last longer because we have other ways of pleasing our needs (of course, this is just me justifying my dry spell).  Men, and yes I'm generalizing, typically like to have some sort of warm body part every few months.  So, is the territorial one a "friend with benefits" for him?  I want to meet the man who can go longer than that because I want to marry him right now and then spend at least a week making up for our mutual dry spells. :)

I asked my friend if he ever mentions having sex or going on dates.  She said no -- that in the two years she's known him, he's never gone out with anyone "else" (she still thinks they are dating) that she knows of.  She said she doesn't see him/talk to him seven days a week, though, and their charity work only brings them together two or three days a week, if that. But, "We talk all the time" she said.  She said that they talk in the middle of the night and during the day, when he's at work.  She said that you'd think she'd know of something or someone if it was in his life.  I asked if she's ever outright asked.  She said she didn't want to know.  She said that he goes away with his friends frequently to go to concerts and they all stay together in motel rooms to save on money and he never mentions any women or hooking up. I pondered, "Well, why would he?"  I mean -- if he's afraid of risking his perfect set up, he's not going to say, "Got a little strange last night."

Long story short, my friend still thinks she's in the running with this guy and that at some point, he's going to choose her over the other woman.  I'm thinking that unless she does something to set herself apart from the other woman, he's going to keep them both hanging on for as long as he can.  He has his cake, brownies and cookies and can eat all of them if he wants to. 

My friend emailed me a picture of the three of them together and physically, the two women are very different.  My friend is a tall raven haired chick with curves.  She's kind of sweet and innocent looking, though.  She looks like a tall Katy Perry.  The other woman is short, thin and blonde.  Very petite and kind of fragile looking.  Huge eyes. Meg Ryanish. The guy is attractive.  Not model gorgeous or anything.  Not anyone I'd imagine women fighting over, though.  In the photo, he has his arm around the other woman and not at all on my friend.  He is, however, looking directly at my friend with this look of adoration in his eyes, like he genuinely likes her, and is smiling at her.  I get the feeling that he feels loyal to the other woman but wants to be with my friend.  I think the other woman has probably some sort of hold on him and he's afraid to risk that for my friend. Wanna bet it's sex or money? ;)

The whole story is still unresolved. My friend is still being the perfect fake girlfriend and as far as I know, the other female friend is doing the same thing.  If I were a guy, I'd be temped to high five him for his boldness and ability to snag two women who are personality-twins without having to commit to either one. I've removed myself from offering advice as I am having a hard time being objective.  Maybe I should give her the link to the $5 psychic?

This brings me back to the whole "are we drawn to certain types of people?".

I'm not.  At least, not romantically.  If you were to line up all of the men I've dated and/or been "in love" (eyes rolled) with in my life, none of the look the same, act the same or talk the same.  They come from different walks of life, have different colored hair, different colored eyes, and different body shapes.  There were teachers, IT guys, managers, construction workers, motel workers, students, mechanics, artists, call center workers, co-workers ...  Some were very serious.  Some were not.  Some were well educated. Some were not.  Some "got" me.  Some didn't.  Some were funny.  Some were not.   As I evolved, my likes/dislikes evolved.  I've usually tried to find someone who is not like me very much to help alleviate my whole "boredom" thing where I want to switch out something new after a few weeks.  It wasn't until recently that I opened my mind to the whole concept of finding someone more like me who might be my equal instead of my opposite.  We'll see how that works out. 

Friends-wise - yes, I tend to gravitate towards the same kinds of people.  Funny, witty, smart, caring, independent people.  I like people who get my jokes and can keep up with me.  Whenever I stray outside of my comfort zone, I usually have very short-lived friendships.  I have a hard time socializing with people who can't keep up with my mind and jokes and who have lifestyles very different from mine.

There is a lot to be said for duplicity.  Or replicating..  or whatever word you want to use. 

It's not even a bad thing for dating...  maybe.  Dunno.  One at a time until you figure out what the others were missing or what you really "need".

For the guy who picked the "someone like me", I was missing blonde hair and narrower hips... and an ex-husband. :)

(Despite my use of Alanis to intro this blog, I really am okay with not being the chosen one.  In the future, I don't know that I'll take it quite so well.)

New Life

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will

Around this time last year, I had a dream that these men in suits showed up on my doorstep and told me that they were going to give me a new life.  They couldn't tell me anything about it ahead of time except that it would be better than the life I had.  There was one caveat - I had to be willing to walk out the door with them and leave my current life behind.  I was allowed to bring three personal items from my house/apartment if I accepted their offer.  I woke up before I could make up my mind.  

I took a nap this afternoon and had a similar dream.  Guess my subconscious wanted to give me a second chance. 

In this dream, I was on a game show of some sort and the grand prize, which I won, was $1 million.  But, as with most game shows, there was this twist.  I could take the money and walk away and make of my life whatever I wanted to make of it, leaving the future in Fate's hands. OR... I could give back the money and be "given" the kind of life I wanted -- the kind of job, house, spouse, kids, pets, etc no questions asked.  Guaranteed "perfection" and happiness.  Which did I want?  Money and uncertainty, but total control of my future?  Or, a lifetime of knowing that I had everything I wanted without worry or effort?

Which do you think I chose?

In my dream, I chose the perfect life over the money.  Certainty versus uncertainty.

They asked me what my perfect life consisted of and I told them the following:

• I wanted a huge house in the huge grassy field where the "restaurant" stood in Goonies, facing the water.  (I know this comes from the fact that the new hires and I were talking about favorite 80s movies this week and I told them that ever since I saw Goonies, I wanted to live in that little town, in the Goonie house, and own the Fratelli's restaurant.  Ironically, I googled the town the other day and it actually met my "ideal place to live" requirements.  14 year old me must have been on to something.)
• I wanted all of my bills paid off and $250,000 deposited into my savings account for emergencies.
• I wanted a job teaching Kindergarten in the same school featured in Kindergarten Cop. (Which was filmed in the same town as The Goonies.)
•  I wanted a sailboat and a new car.
•  I wanted a man who loved me as me.

That was all I asked for before I woke up.

After I woke up, I started to think about what I'd really do if presented with this type of offer.

Would I take the money and run? (insert some Steve Miller Band...)

Would I design the perfect life?

Part of me thinks one million dollars (after taxes) won't go very far which means I would probably be wishing I had taken what is behind door # 2.   I've worked hard for over two decades and I don't feel like I've gone very far with my life.  I think back to what I envisioned for myself when I was Goonie age.

I was going to become a writer -- a magazine writer -- and travel the world.  I was going to be fluent in foreign languages and live in penthouse type apartments.  My boyfriends would have exotic names and all look like they walked out of a Soloflex (now Bowflex) commercial.  I didn't own a car.  I had a driver. I was glossy and glamorous.  Plastic and vain.  Superficial.  Heart of ice.

Later, after high school, my perfect life involved becoming a grade school teacher, getting married to someone who was also involved in education, having 2 kids (one boy, one girl.  Michael for the boy. Molly for the girl.) and a nice house in the 'burbs with a yard, pool and swing set.  Maybe a dog and a cat.  I'd be a stay at home mom/volunteer/PTA mom until the kids were school age and then go back to school, teaching in the same district they attended so I could be home when they got home.  Disney vacations, road trips.  Singing in the car.  Mommy and Daddy on the couch, watching movies after the kids went to sleep.  Playing Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy.  I wore comfy dresses and comfy shoes.  I wasn't too fat or too thin.  Huggable and lovable.

After college, I wanted to be some corporate hot shot (Thanks to movies like Baby Boom and Working Girl) who had a fancy office, with an assistant.  I wore tailored suits and told people what to do. I dated the company attorney, had sex in the conference room and worked long hours.  I survived on coffee and coffee.  I was practically anorexic.   Heart of steel.  Nerves of glass.

Later, much later, I decided I wanted to move to the beach, find a job that allowed me to have fun but not kill myself, make friends who would be with me through thick and thin, fall in love with the one guy who got my jokes and who thought of me last thing at night and first thing in the morning.  I wanted a house near the beach.  I wanted a peaceful life with home-grown vegetables, long walks on the beach, picnics, cookouts, sailing with friends.  Bonfires with cold beer and someone playing music on a guitar.  Bundling up in blankets and hoodies.  Laughter.  Building sand castles.  A kid or two.  A pet or two.  A satisfying life filled with love and friendship.

In my life, I've been a grade-school teacher.  I've been a workaholic.  I've moved to the beach.  I've traveled to big cities. I had a cat named Molly.  I've gotten to help play Santa Claus to nieces and nephews. I've never had sex in a conference room.  None of my romantic interests looked like male models.  I do own comfy dresses and comfy shoes.  I have a few really good friends.  I've taken walks (alone) on the beach at both sunrise and sunset.  I've been to Disneyland, but no kids were involved. 

So, what would I put in this "perfect life" now?

My recent dream choices really aren't that far off.  I think I'd take them. I'd live in Goonie-ville.

Except for the teaching piece.  I'd like to substitute a writing job for the teaching job.  I'm burned out teaching people stuff.

I want a Jeep Wrangler, 4-door, limited edition, in white as my car.

As for the house, I want it to have a "pet annex".  I'd have the main house.  Then, attached to the main house via some sort of walk way would be a "pet house", a place where I could shelter cats and dogs together so that they aren't lonely and so that I can take into consideration my poor, poor friends who have animal allergies and can't be in my house with the pets.  (How does that happen?  I have two male friends and both of them are allergic to cats!)  This way, I can still have my animals and keep my friends, too.

As for the man, I think I've described him in great detail during the past year.  But, in case you haven't been reading....  tallish, darkish, boy next doorish.  Funny, smart, talent.....  ok, ok, you know, I'm not going to do this.   The most important thing about him is that he has a open heart and isn't afraid to love me.  Period.

Sounds like a nice life, huh.  

Where is this game show and how do I get on it?