Life In A Small Town

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

I grew up in a town with fewer than 1100 people in it.  I left that town in 1987 and moved to a quaint little college town in SE Ohio that had approximately 15,000 people, include the 1200 or so students at the college.

While I was living there, I did not appreciate that small town.   I did not enjoy that nothing was open past 5:00 most days and that there was very little to do after-hours.  I did not fully comprehend the simple joy in being able to walk everywhere and have someone call out a cheery and friendly hello as you went.  I spent almost ten years of my life in that town and left it for a bigger city.  

I've been all over the country and have seen many small towns and many big cities.  My eyes sparkle at the vast array of possibilities and opportunities that larger cities offer.  However, lately, my heart has been yearning for something smaller and simpler.

I like Virginia Beach.  I can't exactly say that I love it.  I liked it better when it was a goal, something I wanted to achieve.  I liked it better when I was a tourist coming to town once a year.  I often joke that I went to the beach more when I didn't live here.  I don't like how much things cost here.  I don't like how people drive here.  I don't like that the friendliness and hospitality I saw as a tourist doesn't always exist outside of the tourist trade and definitely doesn't exist past Labor Day.

I have an affinity for water.  I know in my heart I want to live some place where there is access to ocean water.  I thought Virginia Beach was the place.

When I came here on vacation, I would cry the entire plane trip back to Ohio because I hated leaving.  I couldn't wait to come back.  I created such a fantasy about how great it was going to be to live here in my head that I didn't stop to think that there might be a chance I wouldn't be able to live near the water all year and would have to live inland in an over-priced apartment, which I refuse to give up because it's only 5 minutes from work and I like being able to leave the office at 4:00 and be inside my apartment and changed into comfy clothing by 4:15.

That said - I've been having weird dreams this week about a small town.  I don't know where this small town is, but it is near an ocean.  It is not Virginia Beach.

In my dream, there are these great "gingerbread" style houses, tree-lined streets.  Kids playing.  People stopping to say hello.  There isn't a lot of car traffic.  You can hear the ocean and smell the ocean.  There is a main-street area with locally-owned shops laid out in a square of sorts.  There is a small park with a fountain and benches.  There is sand on the cobble-stone streets and low-lying grasses in the yards.  You can hear gulls and other water fowl. The lap of the waves is very soothing.

I want to live there.   It reminds me of Marietta, Ohio and Stars Hollow (the fictional hamlet from the tv show Gilmore Girls.)  It has this New England meets Midwest feel.  But, with an ocean.  Not a lake.  Not a river.  Not a Bay.  Ocean access. 

There's a marina in an inlet with rows and rows of pristine boats and wooden docks.  Fresh seafood signs.  Friendly fishermen offering you samples and making jokes while they walk around in their waist-high waders.

I would miss my friends here in Virginia Beach, but if I could find this place and find a job in this place, I'd probably move there tomorrow.

Maybe I just realized what my "true dream" is.

The Best Advice?

Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river
Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea,
You lay your bets and then you pay the price
The things we do for love, the things we do for love.

I was talking at a co-worker today about relationships.

Long after the conversation was over, I thought back to some advice that a female friend gave me a long time ago that she swore would help encourage romantic interest.  Back then, it seemed like such good advice and I'm sad to say I did every single one of the things on her list at one time or another in order to try to spark some interest by the opposite sex.

Now, the advice seems a little out there.  I'll share and let you decide.  The snarky comments are all mine(s).

1.  Whenever you answer the phone, always let it ring a few times and then when you answer, say another man's name.  

"Hello?  Bill?"

This is especially effective when you know that the person calling you is not named Bill and will possibly become jealous at the thought of you eagerly awaiting a call from someone named Bill.

2.  After you've cleared up the confusion over "Bill", tell your male caller that you just stepped out of the shower and need to grab a towel.  This, she said, planted the image of you standing naked, dripping wet, with the phone in your hand.

"Who's Bill?  Oh, he's just a friend.  I just got out of the shower so let me grab a towel."

3. After you've reeled him in and he's interested, invite him over to your place.  Thumb through an imaginary date book, mumbling yes and no and possibly inserting other male names and the occasional husky laugh to indicate that reviewing your available options is making you reminisce about enjoyable outings with other men.

"So, would you like to come over next week?  Um... hmmm.... Monday -- ah, Jack...  Ha ha ha.  Wednesday.  No.  Thursday - ah, Michael...  Oh, it looks like I'm free next Friday, after 8:00."

4.  Before he arrives, buy a copy of the Kama Sutra at a used-book store and thumb through it and crack the spine so that it looks well-read and well-used.  Bend down some pages and insert comments in the margin, in smudged ink, to make the pages look like you had been very very very familiar with the book.

5.  Place the book in an open space in your home where he will "stumble" upon it, but where it's not going to look obvious.

6.  Hang a sexy nightie (even if you don't normally wear one) on the back of the bathroom door.

7.  Once he arrives, find an excuse to send him to the bathroom.  

"Oh, the faucet in the kitchen isn't working well.  You're going to have to wash up in the bathroom."

Allegedly, when he goes into the bathroom,  1) he'll be reminded of your recent shower and nude telephone call and 2) he'll see the sexy nightgown and imagine all sorts of naughty things about your personality.  This supposedly works out well if you are someone who dresses very conservatively during the day.  The whole "dirty librarian" fantasy that most men are supposed to have.  (Note to self: dress like librarian for Halloween.)

8. Then, later, when he discovers the Kama Sutra, grab it from his hands, accidentally touching, of course, and giggle like you are sooooooooooooo ashamed to have him see it.  Then, accidentally drop it so that one of the dog-eared, pre-marked pages (just don't pick something your doctor or chiropractor would not suggest you attempt) falls open.  Giggle some more and reach for the book but leave it open long enough for him to get the idea.

"I can't believe you saw this!  Oh my!  You must think I'm a dirty dirty girl."

So....  what happened when I tried these tactics?

1.  I can't remember whose name I used but the guy on the other end didn't seem to care.  Turned out he thought I had a brother by that name.

2. When I mentioned the shower thing, the guy made some comment like "I thought you showered in the morning.  Did you just get home from the gym?"  Yeah, the sweaty smelly gym is not a sexy image to plant.

3. I didn't own a date book or planner.  I used a wall calendar.  It's not as effective.  "Oh, look, there's a full moon coming up on the 16th... and did you know that Thursday is the first day of winter?"  (I get easily distracted, remember?)

4. I already own a copy of the Kama Sutra.  It is dog-eared.  Most of the positions are not recommended by my doctor.

5.  I placed the book on my coffee table.  When he arrived, he knocked over some magazines that were also on my coffee table, obscuring the Kama Sutra.  I couldn't find a way to uncover the book without being obvious and he had no desire to thumb through a stack of GLAMOUR and COSMO to get to it.

6.  It was off-white satin with a lace insert.  I wore it once.  It itched.  I don't remember what happened to it.  I think I may have donated it when I moved.

7.  I didn't need an excuse.  He had to pee shortly after arrival and asked to use the bathroom on his own.  If he thought anything about the nightgown, he didn't say it.  He DID leave the toilet seat up, though, and dribbled on my floor.

8. See # 5.

This was my modus operandi for the mid-90s. 

Then, I moved on to other tactics.

I'm thinking chloroform, plastic ties and a cabin in the woods might be a better plan for the future.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see

I've been accused on more than one occasion of living in a dream world when it comes to matters of the heart.  I tend to romanticize people, places and situations.  I tend to create little dramas in my head of how things are going to be and how things should be.  I call it creativity.  Others call it a disaster waiting to happen.

A year ago, I started working in my current department and one of my new tasks was to coordinate "enrichment" type classes with outside vendors.  These vendors come in during lunch and talk about some non-work topic and people can bring their lunches and learn about the topic.  I suggested this a few years ago because it was something my previous company did.  They liked the idea and went with it.

I like to joke about my lack of a love life.  It doesn't really bother me that I don't have one, but every now and then, I like to toss out there to people who may know people that as much as I love my cat, I don't really want to die old and alone in a home some place with a gazillion cats. 

That said, when I joined my current department and was given the task of coordinating these "lunch and learns", my boss told me that I was just going to love Mr. Cutie.  I would ask her why and she would just smile and tell me to wait and see.

Around this time last year, I had to do my first lunch and learn with him.  I was surprised that we had such a high turnout for his class.  Over 20 people per session.  All women.

I think I may have stuttered when I introduced myself.  Now, he's not gorgeous or super sexy.  What he is, though, is charming.  He is very charismatic.  He has this self-confident, semi-flirty, smiley thing that he does that makes you think that you are the only person in the room when he talks to you.  He dresses nice.  He smells nice.  He takes care of himself.  So, I could definitely see what my boss was talking about.  She and I giggled about having him come back more often and I told her I'd definitely stay late, if needed, to help host an after-hours session.

Now, I know the boundaries... and I also know that someone like him has to have any pick of women.  In fact, when I first met him, he was sporting a big old gold band on his wedding ring finger and one of the women in the class made small talk with him about his wife and son.  I do not go after married men.

The next time he came, however, he was no longer wearing the wedding band.  One of the women asked him about his wife and son and he said, "Yeah, getting divorced."  He was still very charming and funny.  I was smitten.

Smitten kitten that I was, I looked forward to his visits.  I would practice in my head witty things to say to him when he came. (I'm determined that some day I will find someone who finds my sense of humor sexy and who will create fantasies in his head about me.) 

One day, he made a comment that I was all that he needed (in the context of my job) and then he raised an eyebrow.  I turned beet red.

Another time he came and he was having a rough day and I jokingly said he needed to have a drink after work.  He said, "You buying? Let's go."  Again, I got all flustered.

Well, a few months went by and I had no contact with him.  Then, a few weeks ago, he came for a class and... nothing.  No zing.  No pow.  Nothing.  I could look him in the eyes and talk to him like an adult.  I didn't get red-faced.  I didn't stammer.  He was just a guy.  I felt no desire to imagine any great romance with him.  I didn't even try to be witty or funny.  I was all business.

His jokes didn't make me giggle.  In fact, I noticed that he says the same things every time he comes.  He makes the same references to golfing and his anal-label reading habit. He always mentions his favorite foods.  He always finds a way to mention his son.  I realized he does it on purpose. His sole goal for these classes is to generate clients for his business.  Of course, he's going to be charming, witty, pretty and flirty.  Player, player, pants on fire.

The fantasy is fine for awhile. I think I need a dose of reality.

Once I realized this a few weeks ago, I decided to reach out to a man that I met last year at one of the "meetups" that I used to go to.  Sent him an email (yes, you read right - email) asking if he'd like to go out sometime. 

Gotta go out on the limb and all that.  Well, the limb broke.  The good news is that I didn't break anything.

His initial response to my offer was "maybe".

Today, his response changed to "no". 

Things happen for a reason, right?  The funny thing is - I really wasn't all that interested in the man, but decided that maybe it was time to leave fantasyland and take a chance at realityland.

I think I like fantasyland better.

This Blog's For You, Gordon

So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one, Dr. Everything'll be alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
'Cause in this life things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life you're on your own

And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go crazy, punch a higher floor
If you don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around you, at least you got friends

My friend Gordon wants me to write a blog about him.  My friend who doesn't read my blog wants a blog all about him.  

He has asked me to take notes about the crazy things he does to amuse me (and himself) when I don't feel like working and write about them. Some of his gems:  singing "Brass Monkey" like Michael Buble; wearing a fugly fake mustache for hours when there's no one around to even see it; mocking my blown pupil (after confirming it wasn't life-threatening, of course); inserting random song lyrics or movie quotes into normal conversation; saying "wiki wiki wiki" when he's training because I dared him (and after I've already told everyone in class to be kind to him because he has Tourette's and calls out "wiki wiki wiki" on occasion); planting songs in my head ("Spider pig, spider pig..."); encouraging me to change the name of my blog to "Debriefed and unbarriered" after suffering through an online webinar that used the word "debriefed" several times (while we were sitting side by side in different cubicles, IMing each other inappropriate comments about said webinar and various uses of the word "debriefed"); threatening (jokingly) to torch my desk if I win the lottery and don't take him with me when I quit; threatening (jokingly) to take me hostage and/or stab me to see if our company's emergency plan works;  taking on the nickname Schneider because we ask him frequently to be our "Mr. Fix It" around the office.  Good stuff. Funny stuff.

I like Gordon and since I plan on foisting all of my duties on him when I win the lottery (if I don't take him with me, of course), I'm giving in to his request.  I think he could possibly write a blog himself because it would be way funnier from his point of view.  But, he has a social life and is too busy to write.  Whatever.

So, Gordon, this blog is for you.  Now, go read some of MY gems before I really do delete them or find a Silence of the Lambs type to marry and won't have time to blog anymore. :)  Or become a dominatrix. THAT is becoming more and more appealing by the minute.

The rest of you can enjoy this one, too.

As I've mentioned before, I'm easily distracted.  I like to distract others as well.  I've been in a weird mood lately where I want to play more than I work. There just isn't enough play in my day.  Yesterday, I was given some additional duties and left work in a sh*tty mood.  My friend Janelle and I bantered back and forth for a good hour last night about the sexual potential that a toothless man may possess.  It was raunchy, immature and totally needed.  I laughed so hard that I had a headache. Every now and then, I like a good laugh.  I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about the toothless man.

That said, I vented to Gordon this morning about my extra duties.  I worked really super hard all day to keep focused.  However, a few hours before the end of the day, our boss left the room and I decided to pester Gordon.  

At some point, I made the comment that I was surprised that our company didn't have a drug testing policy.  Gordon said that it didn't matter, it made him sleepy.  I thought he meant the drug testing made him sleepy.  I asked him to repeat himself and he clarified that weed made him sleepy.  I said, "Oh! I thought you meant the drug testing.  I mean, it's just peeing in a cup.  I hope you don't fall asleep while you pee" or something along those lines, which opened up the floodgate for all sorts of humor related to falling asleep while peeing.  Images of Gordon (sorry Gordon, it did go there) peeing and just nodding off and people walking in on him leaning up against the urinal snoring filled my head.  I got quite the laugh out of that.

So, my friend came up with this name for his affliction.  Sudden Narcoleptic Urinary Disorder (because it's NOT a disease!).  SNUD.  Sometimes you feel like you have SNUD.  Sometimes you don't.

Gordon is a funny guy. This is actually a genius idea.  SNUD could be a real disorder.   Of course, it could put a real damper on the social life, especially after heavy drinking.  I mean -- those bathroom wall tiles make some major indentations on the skin if you lean against them too long.  Like pillow-case face. Or after you've worked out at the gym, gotten all pumped up and then picked up some hot chick in a bar. You go back to her place and ask to use the bathroom and she finds you face down on the floor in a puddle of urine. Not pretty. It could also be awkward if the president of the company walked in and found you like that -- or if you were peeing next to the president and fell asleep mid-sentence and lost control all over his expensive wing-tips.  It could be labelled an epic fail if someone were to come in and take a photo of himself in the bathroom with a sleeping urinating man in the background.

But, it's still a greatly funny thing.  I'm not doing it the sort of justice it deserves.  

I think I'm going to start carrying a video camera around at work and filming Gordon when he comes up with one of his gems.  (I don't know if they'll let me in the bathroom, but I'm willing to try.) I could make it into a web reality series.  Goofy Sh*t Gordon Does or something like.  I was going to call it Gordon's Golden Nuggets, but that sounded too much like a show about something else altogether.  

I could probably get more hits on something like that, though.

What's Your Dream?

Welcome to Hollywood, What's Your Dream?

Several months ago, I was sitting at the red light at the corner of Rosemont Road and Bonney Road here in Virginia Beach, near my home.  

A blue car with a "Papa John's Pizza" sign on its roof pulled up beside me on my right.  I looked over and the driver held up a cardboard sign that said, "What's your dream?"  He motioned for me to put down my passenger side window.  

"What's your dream?" he yelled.  I was stumped.  Um, er...

"To be rich," I yelled back.  He shook his head.

"That's not a real dream.  What's your dream?" he yelled back.

Then, the light changed and I turned left.  He went straight.

I often think about that encounter.   What is my dream?  My real dream?

I think about what other amazing thing I could have yelled out that window that didn't sound so lame and that sounded more meaningful.

I know I joke about what I'd do if I won the lottery... but what is my REAL dream?  The one thing I want more than anything?  I have no clue.

Love?  

Friendship?

Laughter?

A passion?

A purpose?

I honestly don't know.

However, I saw the car tonight, in my apartment complex, so I think that means he works at the Papa John's near my apartment.

I'm going to figure out what my true dream is and drive over there and tell him.  I hope it doesn't freak him out.

U Got It Bad

You got it, you got it bad when you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
You got it, you got it bad if you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track

Know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun, it's all you think about
You got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else, you got it bad

I was running errands this afternoon and the song U Got It Bad by Usher came on the radio.  It was raining at the time and I actually listened to the entire song.  This is something I haven't been able to do in a long time.

I immediately felt my face get warm and I was transported to a time about 6 years ago when I had some majorly serious feelings for a guy, whom seemed to be digging me the way I was digging him. I couldn't tell though, to be honest.  I'm just not good at reading signs and since I tend to be flirty, when a guy flirts with me, I just assume he's like me and that it's not serious.   However, that said, I *thought* maybe there was more there.  My friends seemed to think so, too, and you know friends are never wrong with their romantic advice. (snort)

Man, I miss those days in grade school when a boy liked you, he gave you a note that said "I like you.  Do you like me?  Check Yes or No." 

I digress.  I love Usher.  I love his songs.  But, now, whenever I hear "U Got It Bad", I get so embarrassed and have to change the channel immediately, which is a shame because the lyrics are pretty good, pretty heartfelt.  Pretty real.  I mean, who hasn't sat at home staring at the phone waiting for someone to call? (This was pre cell phone mania.)

You see, this guy and I were driving around in my car one rainy day, trying to find something to do to pass the time, and I had the Usher CD in my CD player.  My CD player had this "repeat" function where you could program it to play a specific track over and over.  Before he got into the car, I programmed it to play "U Got It Bad" over and over and over and over and...  in the hopes that he'd listen to the song and look at me and say, "THIS is our song!  THIS is exactly how I feel!" 


As the lyrics say:
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can

I was so naive.  So dumb.  After the third playing of the song, he told me, "You know, I think I'm going to have to play this song for (insert another woman's name)."

I said, "Oh, does she like Usher?"  I was very casual.  However, I could feel this moment of dread building.  If it had been a horror film, you'd hear the increased sound of a cello or other string instrument as a Zombie appeared out of nowhere behind my car.

He said, "I don't know, but I like her."  The way he said "like" was not the "I like her as a friend" type of "like".  It was the "I want to see her naked" kind of "like".

I pretended not to hear him at first.  I think I may have made a comment about the rain and how maybe I should just take him home because I wasn't really in the mood to do anything in the rain.  

He seemed confused.  

After that, I pulled myself back from the relationship.  I had already passed the "just friends" phase and knew I couldn't offer objective advice to him.  I didn't want to hang with him, talk to him or do anything with him after that. If he didn't want to be with me, I didn't want him around.

I quit cold turkey and I never really told him why I was taking away the friendship.  I became "too busy" to do things.  I became focused on a 2nd job, losing weight, taking care of Molly (my previous cat who died last May), etc.  All of the energy I used to put into him, I transferred to other things.

I used to rationalize that it was going to end eventually because he and I were from two different planets and had very little in common.  I liked him.  He liked that I liked him. He took advantage of it.  I kept hoping things would change. I played the "good girlfriend" so well I figured he'd want to make it real.

When u got it bad, u sometimes do dumb and irrational things.

Turns out that she had it bad for someone else.  Neither one of us got what we wanted.

I guess he and I had a lot more in common that what I thought.

I'm Going to Have to Watch That Again

Last night, 13 Going On 30 was on FX.  Of course, I had to stop and watch it.  

Nevermind that I have two months' worth of DROP DEAD DIVA on DVR to catch up on, plus several episodes of EUREKA and a couple of movies.

13 Going On 30 is even in my DVD collection.

Yet, I will stop and watch it every time it's on.  It's just such a cute movie.  I love when the neighbor boy makes a dream house for her and includes all of her favorite things, including a mini-Rick Springfield.  Any guy who encourages a girl's secret celebrity crush without feeling threatened is tops.  Plus, there's the "Thriller" dance scene and the "Love is a Battlefield" scene.... and the "Razzle" scene.  Too cute.  I want a Matt Flanham.

I have a list of movies that I will watch every time I see them on TV.  It doesn't matter the last time I saw them -- or how far in progress the movie is when I discover it.  I'll stop and watch.

Elf - who doesn't love a movie about an Elf who likes to smile?  Smiling is his favorite. 

Shawshank Redemption -  I love when you realize that quiet Andy had been plotting and planning the entire time.  Plus, listening to Morgan Freeman's voice narrate is very soothing.

The Day After Tomorrow -  makes me think about what I'd do if I were in a similar situation.

Sixteen Candles - so quotable.   "Yanky my wanky, the donger needs food."  Plus, I love the part where she comes out of the church and Jake is just leaning against his car waiting on her.  I'm immediately transported back to high school and how I wished some cute guy would notice me.  

Vegas Vacation - I love Vegas.  I love Clark Griswold.  Nuff said. "Rock, paper, scissors!"

Groundhog Day - I grew up in PA where Groundhog Day was a big deal.  I used to mock it, too.  I enjoy a good Bill Murray movie, even if he was a bit of an a$$hole in the movie at the beginning.

The Net - the movie came out right around the time I was getting serious about online dating and cyber friendships.  I love how she totally screws the bad guys over at the end.  Plus, I remember thinking how cool it would be to have a job where I never needed to leave my house.

Office Space -  did you get the memo?  Every time I have any sort of issue with office equipment, I immediately start daydreaming about smashing it to bits while singing "Ain't it great to be a gangster?" in my head over and over.  "This guy's got management written all over him."

Win A Date With Tad Hamilton -  I know, I know -- Josh Duhamel without a shirt.  But, I actually love this movie because of Topher Grace's character.  He's funny, sweet, sarcastic and smart.  I'd work in his grocery store and be his big love anytime.  I'd even come up with different kinds of smiles for him. The soundtrack to the movie is awesome, too.

When Harry Met Sally -  I never thought of Billy Crystal as a romantic hero.  Yet, I find myself rooting for him at the end.  Plus, he's funny.

Pretty Woman - saw this in college.  Have seen it so many times that I can quote it line by line.  Sometimes, when I watch it, I get all mushy about the thought of a streetwalker landing a wealthy business man.  Then, other times, I think "It'll never work. His friends will mock him.  They'll be broken up within 6 months."  I feel the same way about the Bachelor/ette tv shows... and I'm usually right.  Opposites may attract, but they don't stay together very long.

The Last Holiday - I am Georgia.  OK, I'm not a large black woman named Latifah...  but I am a lot like the "Georgia" character.  She is a home-body who likes to cook and who dreams of doing great things.  The little romantic twist is just a cherry on top.

Deja Vu - it's a thriller with a science fictiony twist.  Love it.  

Frequency - it's a thriller with a science fictiony twist.  It makes my mind work.  I enjoy that in a movie.

Goonies - I saw this movie when I was in high school.  My best friend Beth and I went to the movies to see St. Elmo's Fire but it was rated R and the only other movie showing at the same time was Goonies.  We grumpily went to see it... and loved it.  I've often fantasized about going treasure hunting.  I love shows about discovering things and I think it would be super cool to find a treasure map and see where it led me. (As long as it wasn't into the waistband of some sweaty creepy guy's pants...  yes, there's another earlier blog that explains that one.)

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me.  It appeals to my sense of humor.  Puns.  Plays on words.  Sexual innuendo.  Plus, Mini-Me. Fat Bastard.  Genius writing.  "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".  "Somebody get a stick". 

Napoleon Dynamite - totally didn't like it the first time I saw it because I kept waiting for the "point" and then someone told me that there was no point... then I watched it again and laughed my butt off.  "I've got mad skills with the numchucks."  I use the phrase "mad skills" all the time as a result of this movie.

Blast From the Past - it's just a really cute movie.  Plus, Christopher Walken.  The only thing missing is more cowbell.

Castaway -  it appeals to the LOSTIE in me.  Plus, I cried when he lost "Wilson" at sea.  I can't even begin to imagine what I would do in that situation.  My heart breaks when he realizes the woman he's loved for all of those years married someone else.

SPEED - I love the adrenaline rush and seeing Keanu Reeves save the day instead of acting like a stoner.

I have friends who don't understand why someone would want to watch the same movie over and over.

For me, it's mostly for the memories the movies evoke and for the overall good-feeling they leave me with.  

I can usually find something to relate to in the characters and enjoy knowing that if it can work out on the big screen for a fictional character, maybe it can work out in real life for me -- a real character.

Adult Entertainment

I love myself I want you to love me
When I feel down I want you above me
I search myself I want you to find me
I forget myself I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Ooh I don't want anybody else Oh no, oh no, oh no

I was reading a friend's Facebook page and she and another friend have been going back and forth about "battery operated boyfriends".  To buy or not to buy... that is their question.

It made me think of a blog I posted on another blog site on 10/31/2007, a few days after my birthday and right after I moved here 4 years ago. I was unemployed at the time and had a lot of time on my .... er.... hands. ;)

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This blog will probably fall into the "tmi" category but I was telling the story to a friend today and she said that it was too funny to not share with my blog friends.

My mom sent me some money for my birthday. I did the responsible thing and opened a checking account with the money so that I could have a local bank. (The bank I had in Ohio doesn't have branches here and although I can keep using it to buy things with my debit card, I can't use it to cash checks, etc.)

Then, on Monday, I was driving down a major street here and saw this store called "The Love Shack". For some bizarre and unexplained reason, I impulsively pulled into the parking lot of the store and went inside, as brazen as you please. 

I'm a grown woman. I have... needs. Part of me did it just to test myself. Part of me did it because I tossed out my last "bob" (battery operated boyfriend) before I moved because I kept having these "fears" that the movers would drop a box and out it would come and I'd be mortified that total strangers would see it. (Although, I have no problem telling total strangers that I had one, obviously.)

The store was your typical "adult" store -- movies, clothing, etc. When I walked in the door, the store was empty, as you'd expect for a mid-day weekday. A young man, mid-twenties, kind of attractive, came out of the back room and asked, "Can I help you find anything?" (Typical sales associate speak.) I said I was just looking and thanked him. (Typical customer speak.) 

I went to the back of the store where they had the battery operated things and started browsing. I had nothing specific in mind and once I started looking, realized I had no clue what I really wanted, or how I much I wanted to spend. 

But... I had spent a fair bit of time browsing and didn't want to just leave the store and have the clerk think I was some weirdo who got off on browsing in adult stores. I mean, if you go into the place, you are obviously looking for something specific. It's not like being at the mall and wandering into Bath and Body Works. At least, in my mind, I felt compelled to buy something.

So, I picked up something small and pretty ordinary. Less than $20. I boldly walked to the cash register.

The young man came out and asked if there was anything else I needed. I said no. Quickly.  Avoided eye contact.  Fumbled in my purse.

"All sales are final," he said, "Do you want to see if it works before you leave?" 

My eyes had to do that cartoon thing where they BOING out of your head and back and I felt a bit of a blush forming. It seemed like such a forward thing to ask. Did I want to see if it worked?

"It's a gift," I stammered quickly. The guy shook his head.

"No, I meant, put batteries in it and make sure it works," he clarified. 

Whew! No boomchicka moment. I had this real quick vision for a moment of a cheap porno. "Miss, do you want to make sure it works?" the young stud asks as he smooths down his porno mustache and then we disappear behind a curtain with my toy and giddy expressions on our faces. I was pretty embarrassed that I misunderstood.

"Oh, yeah. Do you have any batteries?" I asked, trying to rebound. He nodded and put them into the toy. Then, he turned it on and handed it to me to show me that it worked. I quickly touched it and nodded. He turned it off and put it into the box.

"Oh, do you have a gift bag?" I asked casually, trying to further emphasize that the toy wasn't for me. He looked at me like I had asked him if he wanted to go back and see if the toy worked.

"We don't sell gift bags. You're the first person who has ever asked," he said. I quickly nodded and handed him my debit card and then left as soon as the sale was done.

The words "do you have a gift bag?" kept ringing in my head as I drove home.

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Postscript...  I sadly tossed out that little souvenir when I moved from the beach house into my apartment for the same reason I ditched my original "little friend" -- fear that the movers would drop a box and it would bounce out.

I've had the opportunity but not the desire to replace it since then. 

The walls are thin here.  I don't want to explain the incessant buzzing sound to the landlord. :)

Sometimes Life Feels Like A Rut

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray

Trying hard to reach out

But when I'd try to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I pray

I could breakaway

My life is in a bit of a rut.

I need to do something to shake it up, I think.

I stopped at a bookstore after work Friday night to check out their going out of business sale and the entire time I was browsing, I kept thinking about how I was going to "throw off" my Friday night schedule.

It's the freaking weekend.  I shouldn't have a schedule.  Yet, I do.

I feel like a little hamster in a wheel.

Monday - Thursday - my life is pretty much a carbon copy each day.   I get up between 6:15 - 6:30.  I turn on the morning news (always Channel 3) in my bedroom.  I get out my outfit for the day.  I brush my teeth, take my meds, put in my contacts and take a shower.  Then, I feed Abby, assemble my lunch for the day, toss out some birdseed onto the balcony for the birds and squirrels.  Then, I get dressed and drive to work.  I usually get there between 7:15 - 7:30.  I drive the same route and listen to the same radio station (94.9).  I park in the same parking space.  I say good morning to the security guard.  I unlock the training rooms.  I boot up my computer.  I get some water and go to the bathroom.  I eat my breakfast -- usually 1/2 of a banana.  I chew a piece of gum.  I make small talk with my co-workers if they seem in a talkative mood.  Then, I plunge into my day. Workety work work.  I usually don't take a morning break.  I usually eat lunch around 11:30 -- usually broccoli, rice and chicken, a piece of fruit and water.  I sometimes check my phone as if I'm suddenly going to have texts from someone or update my Facebook status.  I usually only take 15-20 minutes for lunch.  I do more work, maybe pausing to make some more small talk with co-workers if my concentration is off or if I've reached my saturation point with whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing or if I just need some human interaction.  Then, at the end of the day, I leave around the same time.  I drive the same route home.  I listen to the same radio station (107.7).  I park in the same space.  I check my mail.  Abby usually greets me at the door.  I put down my purse and car keys on the counter.  I check my home phone as if I'm going to actually have phone messages.  I feed Abby.  I change my clothing.  I take out my contacts and put on my glasses.  I log into my computer.  I check for PT work.  I update Facebook.  I check my email.  I sit here for a couple of hours clicking away on the PT job website hoping for work while mindlessly doing other things.  I listen to Pandora.  Usually the Bruno Mars or Jason Mraz station.  I play what a friend calls "YouTube Roulette" and watch old videos or whatever else I can find.  I make snarky comments on Facebook and try to elicit some sort of responses from various friends to keep me entertained. Sometimes, I log into AIM and chat with co-workers on the PT job.  I then update my blog.  Make some dinner. Check for more work.  Watch some TV.  Check Facebook again.  Tinker with the idea of hurtling myself off of the roof.  Check my "personal ad" for messages. Get frustrated that I've resorted to having a personal ad again.  Give up on the part time job.  Log off.  Brush my teeth.  Wash my face.  Put on my nightgown.  Crawl into bed.  Watch some tv.  Check my cell for messages.  Turn it off.  Go to sleep.

I just made myself consider slicing my wrists just typing all of that.

 

Occasionally, I may go a little crazy and do some mid-week errands after work. 

Sometimes, I even give myself a night off from the computer altogether.

 

On Fridays, I "change it up" a little by driving to the UPS Store on Birdneck Road to see if I have any mail there, even though I gave up the box two years ago.  The ladies don't charge me to hold my mail and they let me get packages there.  Then, I sometimes stop at the Fresh Market and get some groceries for the weekend.  Then, I come home, change clothing (straight to my nightgown), check messages, log in for the PT job, and then do laundry.  Around 9:00, I give up on the PT job and rousing people on AIM or Facebook and then call my friend Mandy on the phone.  Sometimes she's home.  Sometimes she's not.  If she's home, we talk for about an hour, with her encouraging me to go out more, start dating again, come back to Ohio, etc etc etc.  We tell each other we love each other and then I wash my face, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed.  I watch TV for a little bit, check my cell phone and then eventually fall asleep.

On Saturdays, I get up early -- usually the same time as I do for work or earlier, like today.  Today, I was up at 5:30. -- and go straight to the computer to see if I can be an early worm and get some PT work.  I'll click away for a couple of hours, then I make breakfast, take my meds, watch some TV (usually the Food Network), get dressed and go to the rec center.  I usually get there around 11:30, shower, put on my bathing suit and do about an hour of exercise in the pool.  Then, for the next few hours, I run "errands" -- whatever miscellaneous chores and shopping I may need to do out and about the town.

Sometimes, I just drive around -- meandering up and down random streets in town, exploring.  Windows down, radio up, wind in my hair.  Singing along.  Getting a farmer's tan on my left arm.  Wishing I didn't have to go back home.  Wishing I could just keep driving until I found whatever the heck it is I'm looking for -- or run out of gas.  

Then, I go back home, toss my wet bathing suit and towel in the washing machine, check messages, check PT work, watch some TV, do some cleaning and/or organizing.  Try to rouse some friends via email, text or FB to see if they want to do something.  Read.  Watch a movie.  Do my "bills and budget" for the week/month.  Clean out my purse.  Clean the litterbox.  Anything and everything to keep as busy as possible.  Sometimes, I take a nap when I get back from the pool... just because I can. 

On Sunday, I get up early, check for PT work, read the Sunday paper, run some more errands or find something to do outside of the house else I'll just sit in my nightgown all day watching all of the shows and movies I've DVR'd all week.  Around dinner time, I'll do the dishes, then put away the laundry, play around on the computer some more.  Wish I could win the lottery so that I don't have to work.  Watch some TV. Check for PT work.  Take a shower.  Go to bed.

I need a new life.  Or a bottle of sleeping pills.  Something.  Anything.  

I may have to start doing things differently else I'm going to self-destruct soon.

I ordered some new sneakers this morning.  I hope to increase the frequency of going to the rec center.  I also placed ads on craigslist to offer tutoring and college paper writing assistance for the upcoming school year.  Maybe that will lead to some new friends and cash flow.  

I say all the time that change is good... and change, for the most part, doesn't scare me.  I get bored easily and embrace anything that might spice up my life just a little.  

However, I also enjoy the comfort of having a routine.  I get a little tiffed when things change my routine without my consent or input.

One of my favorite movies is LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN.  It's about a woman whose mother died while she was young and before she died, she gave the woman (as a little girl) this "blueprint" for life -- it listed goals she should strive to achieve.  The mother decided that 6 boyfriends would be appropriate before she settled down... with "lucky number seven."  The woman followed this plan her whole life, pursuing a career she didn't enjoy and dating the types of men her mother suggested.  Then, she meets two men at the same time -- one who shares her forced ambitions and one who has a more laid-back, fun approach to life.  She decides that the fun guy will be boyfriend # 6 and the serious guy will be # 7.  As with most romantic comedies, she finds herself enjoying the fun guy a lot more than the serious guy.  However, the fun guy doesn't fit into her life plan.  She goes through a lot of agony and well, I won't spoil the ending, but I always relate to the woman and often wish I had the courage to take more risks in life.

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. It's where all the fruit is.

Time for me to learn how to climb a tree, I think.