My Molly girl gave me a scare last night. She vomitted on the carpet and then stretched on her belly, face down on the carpet and I thought for sure she had finally given up and died. She didn't move or open her eyes when I said her name and I was afraid to touch her because I didn't want to deal with the reality that she might be dead.
Then, just when I was about to do it, she opened her eyes, snorted and got up very shakily and walked out of the room.
I found her sitting in her (clean) litterbox with her eyes closed. It was like she was meditating. I picked her up and carried her to my bedroom and held her in my arms and told her that if she was ready to go, it was ok. I'd understand. I cried a little and then I let her go and she slept very close to me all night.
She's still alive but seems not quite herself. When I came home from work, she was lying on the floor by her water dish, sound asleep. Right now, she's lying half on the sofa and half off, with her head and front paws over the edge, towards the floor.
I've never loved anything as much as I love Molly.
My one thing for today is that I sat in the sun, after work, for about 20 minutes just soaking up some Vitamin D and trying to clear away the week and get in a positive frame of mind for the weekend.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Day Sixteen
I saw a status update on a co-worker's facebook page about how hard it is to say "no".
This is something I have always struggled with. People, especially employers, have taken advantage of me for years because I fear disappointing them if I say no.
I even did an "audiobook" class once by S. Covey about saying no. He stated to say, "I appreciate the offer/opportunity however at this time I will need to say no." He said to offer no excuses or explanations -- just politely thank the person for asking you to do something and then saying no.. and not wavering.
However, whenever I do this at work (which isn't often), I get cajoled. I get pouts. I get dirty looks. I get the "be a team player" speech.
It's gotten to the point that I feel like I have to get a doctor's excuse or something just to be able to say no to something that I just don't have the time to do... or isn't my responsibility.
I tried the technique today. I'm not sure if it worked. We have someone visiting from another office. He told me today that he needed to get with me asap to "pick my brain" about some procedures. He told me that yesterday and I ended up writing a procedure for him, which he then gave to his boss as his original work. So, today, I told him I had things to do and would get back to him. I avoided him all day.
Then, at the end of the day, he stopped me and said, "Hey, do you have time tomorrow before I leave to get together to go over some procedures?"
I said, "I really appreciate that you value my input but I will be in training all morning and then I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30."
He said, "Oh, maybe you can find a few moments before your doctor's appointment or on your break?"
I said, "I really don't think I'll be taking a break and I can't leave the training room."
He said, "Well, we'll talk again in the morning."
I said OK and he left.
I wanted to feel good about saying no, but I have a sinking feeling he'll still find a way to corner me in the morning.
I posted a note on my monitor that says "NMR" to remind myself that everything is "not my responsibility."
I hope it works.
This is something I have always struggled with. People, especially employers, have taken advantage of me for years because I fear disappointing them if I say no.
I even did an "audiobook" class once by S. Covey about saying no. He stated to say, "I appreciate the offer/opportunity however at this time I will need to say no." He said to offer no excuses or explanations -- just politely thank the person for asking you to do something and then saying no.. and not wavering.
However, whenever I do this at work (which isn't often), I get cajoled. I get pouts. I get dirty looks. I get the "be a team player" speech.
It's gotten to the point that I feel like I have to get a doctor's excuse or something just to be able to say no to something that I just don't have the time to do... or isn't my responsibility.
I tried the technique today. I'm not sure if it worked. We have someone visiting from another office. He told me today that he needed to get with me asap to "pick my brain" about some procedures. He told me that yesterday and I ended up writing a procedure for him, which he then gave to his boss as his original work. So, today, I told him I had things to do and would get back to him. I avoided him all day.
Then, at the end of the day, he stopped me and said, "Hey, do you have time tomorrow before I leave to get together to go over some procedures?"
I said, "I really appreciate that you value my input but I will be in training all morning and then I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30."
He said, "Oh, maybe you can find a few moments before your doctor's appointment or on your break?"
I said, "I really don't think I'll be taking a break and I can't leave the training room."
He said, "Well, we'll talk again in the morning."
I said OK and he left.
I wanted to feel good about saying no, but I have a sinking feeling he'll still find a way to corner me in the morning.
I posted a note on my monitor that says "NMR" to remind myself that everything is "not my responsibility."
I hope it works.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Day Fifteen
I don't know why I thought I'd be able to have more "normal" hours with the "downgrade" in my position at work. I was there at 7:30 this morning, had a 15 minute lunch and didn't get to leave until 6:30. Today, at lunch, some girl was talking on her cell phone to someone and she said, "Well, if they think they can work me to death and not pay me overtime, I'm going to sue them." I wanted to give her my name and number to include me. :)
My one thing for today is that I replaced the air filter on my furnace/air conditioning unit. I've noticed that I feel more sneezy lately and whenever the AC (or heat, depending on the temperature) comes on, there's this "dusty" smell in the air. So, in an effort to have a more efficient unit and to decrease bacteria, I replaced the filter. I didn't have to pay anything for the filter -- my apartment complex gives them away -- so I took advantage of a rarely used "perk".
Still no soda. I feel like I need a group session with someone because I really want one. I've been sipping on diluted apple juice to try to stave off my cravings for the stuff. I miss the fizz, the bubbles tickling my nose, the sound as I pour it into a glass. Hmmm.... maybe I need to switch to beer. It fizzes, has bubbles and makes sounds, too.
My one thing for today is that I replaced the air filter on my furnace/air conditioning unit. I've noticed that I feel more sneezy lately and whenever the AC (or heat, depending on the temperature) comes on, there's this "dusty" smell in the air. So, in an effort to have a more efficient unit and to decrease bacteria, I replaced the filter. I didn't have to pay anything for the filter -- my apartment complex gives them away -- so I took advantage of a rarely used "perk".
Still no soda. I feel like I need a group session with someone because I really want one. I've been sipping on diluted apple juice to try to stave off my cravings for the stuff. I miss the fizz, the bubbles tickling my nose, the sound as I pour it into a glass. Hmmm.... maybe I need to switch to beer. It fizzes, has bubbles and makes sounds, too.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day Fourteen
I had a vacation day today. It felt good to sleep in on a Monday morning -- until the fire alarm went off in my apartment building, scaring the crap out of me. I was in a mad scramble to try to get dressed, find Molly, find Molly's crate, shove my favorite photo album in a tote bag, find my purse and get to the door. My heart was racing. I opened the door and there was no fire to be seen. No other neighbors rushing around. I called the rental office and they told me that they were testing the fire alarm system. I suggested that they may want to tell people that. The young lady responded, "We didn't think of it to be honest." Sheesh.
I ran some errands and then helped the economy by getting new tires on my truck. Sheesh. The words "inexpensive tires" just do not exist in reference to a SUV, even a "small" SUV. I was able to haggle a slight discount on the alignment service but not much.
Then, I decided to browse a couple of clothing stores, looking for spring bargains. I found two casual knit tops for $4.99 each. A great deal. I discovered that they were actually pyjama tops that had somehow gotten separated from their bottoms and were marked down. You can't tell they are pyjama tops. They look like regular t-shirts. In fact, I found a t-shirt in the store made of the same material and style for 4 times the discounted price of the pyjama top.
A few years back, I bought some capri pants in the sleepwear section of Target for much less than if I had bought them in the active wear section.
So, my "one thing" for today is that a little creative shopping can add to your wardrobe and save on your budget and no one will know any difference.
I ran some errands and then helped the economy by getting new tires on my truck. Sheesh. The words "inexpensive tires" just do not exist in reference to a SUV, even a "small" SUV. I was able to haggle a slight discount on the alignment service but not much.
Then, I decided to browse a couple of clothing stores, looking for spring bargains. I found two casual knit tops for $4.99 each. A great deal. I discovered that they were actually pyjama tops that had somehow gotten separated from their bottoms and were marked down. You can't tell they are pyjama tops. They look like regular t-shirts. In fact, I found a t-shirt in the store made of the same material and style for 4 times the discounted price of the pyjama top.
A few years back, I bought some capri pants in the sleepwear section of Target for much less than if I had bought them in the active wear section.
So, my "one thing" for today is that a little creative shopping can add to your wardrobe and save on your budget and no one will know any difference.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Days Twelve and Thirteen
I got back from Atlantic City at 6:00 this morning. I did not win any money. I did not expect to. At one point I was up over $150 on a slot machine and if I had quit, I would have brought back more money than I took, but my "daydream" of winning it big kept me hitting "Max Bet" until the money was gone.
Then, I found a place to sit and people watch for awhile.
I'm proud to say that I did not drink any soda while I was there and only had 2 alcoholic beverages. I didn't even give into the free beverage service offered while playing slots. While I did indulge a little at the salad bar, I avoided heavy carbs and only had two bites of cheesecake and chocolate ice cream. I later had a sandwich in a bar and left 95% of the bread on the plate and had water with my meal. I also did a fair bit of walking around, inside and outside, while at the casino to get in some exercise. The only thing I wish I could have controlled more was my exposure to cigarette smoke and germs because my asthma really hit hard on the bus ride home and I could feel my lungs laboring to get fresh air. I also have a sore throat and bit of congestion.
Today, I resisted the urge to order a pizza and be lazy all day. I did sleep for a few hours because I could not sleep on the bus and the few times I did doze off, the bus driver would hit some rumble strips or a pothole and jolt me awake. I was envious of those around me who fell asleep right away and slept the entire trip.
I ate food I already had today -- no new groceries added -- and continued to drink water. I also drank some orange juice to try to scare away any germs I may have picked up while out of town.
Next time I get the urge to go to AC, I think I'll take the money and spend half of what I plan to lose on high payout scratch off tickets and then put the rest into savings and call it a day. My odds are better that way.
Then, I found a place to sit and people watch for awhile.
I'm proud to say that I did not drink any soda while I was there and only had 2 alcoholic beverages. I didn't even give into the free beverage service offered while playing slots. While I did indulge a little at the salad bar, I avoided heavy carbs and only had two bites of cheesecake and chocolate ice cream. I later had a sandwich in a bar and left 95% of the bread on the plate and had water with my meal. I also did a fair bit of walking around, inside and outside, while at the casino to get in some exercise. The only thing I wish I could have controlled more was my exposure to cigarette smoke and germs because my asthma really hit hard on the bus ride home and I could feel my lungs laboring to get fresh air. I also have a sore throat and bit of congestion.
Today, I resisted the urge to order a pizza and be lazy all day. I did sleep for a few hours because I could not sleep on the bus and the few times I did doze off, the bus driver would hit some rumble strips or a pothole and jolt me awake. I was envious of those around me who fell asleep right away and slept the entire trip.
I ate food I already had today -- no new groceries added -- and continued to drink water. I also drank some orange juice to try to scare away any germs I may have picked up while out of town.
Next time I get the urge to go to AC, I think I'll take the money and spend half of what I plan to lose on high payout scratch off tickets and then put the rest into savings and call it a day. My odds are better that way.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Day Eleven
Whenever I schedule time off at work (I scheduled Monday off several weeks ago), I always feel guilty about being gone for a day and usually end up staying at work until very late the day before and try to cram in a full day's worth of work in a few hours.
Tonight, I did not do that. It felt good.
I'm not looking forward to Tuesday because I know my email will be full and no one will have done my work while I'm gone, but I am going to not think about that until Tuesday.
I leave in the early morning for Atlantic City and won't be able to log on tomorrow. I will find something great to do on Saturday and then do two days' worth of blogging on Sunday.
Cross your fingers and toes that I win enough to pay off my bills, put money in savings and quit my job. :)
Tonight, I did not do that. It felt good.
I'm not looking forward to Tuesday because I know my email will be full and no one will have done my work while I'm gone, but I am going to not think about that until Tuesday.
I leave in the early morning for Atlantic City and won't be able to log on tomorrow. I will find something great to do on Saturday and then do two days' worth of blogging on Sunday.
Cross your fingers and toes that I win enough to pay off my bills, put money in savings and quit my job. :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day Ten
I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to soft drinks. Not coffee, not tea, not over-priced frothy foamy lattes and frappes. I'm talking about sugar-laden carbonated soda pop. I've tried many times over the years to give it up, much like a smoker trying to give up nicotine. I've tried diet sodas, like a smoker slaps on the patch. I've quit cold turkey. But, then, I tell myself "Just one small sip won't hurt" and the next thing you know, I'm standing in the beverage aisle lusting after 24 packs.
Last night, I had my last bottle of soda pop. Orange Fanta.
Today, I drank water all day.
Right now, I have a headache the size of the entire continent of Africa. I'm pretty sure it's a sugar-withdrawal headache.
I estimate that by giving up soda, I will save about $20 a month. I will also do good things for my body by drinking more water.
So, if I seem a little grumpy, please bear with me.
If I seem a little thirsty, offer me some water.
If you see me standing near the vending machine at work, lovingly caressing the images of my favorite fizzy drink, please remind me that it's for the best.
If I win the lottery, I may be tempted to hire someone to create a soda that is low in calories but doesn't taste like chemicals.
Last night, I had my last bottle of soda pop. Orange Fanta.
Today, I drank water all day.
Right now, I have a headache the size of the entire continent of Africa. I'm pretty sure it's a sugar-withdrawal headache.
I estimate that by giving up soda, I will save about $20 a month. I will also do good things for my body by drinking more water.
So, if I seem a little grumpy, please bear with me.
If I seem a little thirsty, offer me some water.
If you see me standing near the vending machine at work, lovingly caressing the images of my favorite fizzy drink, please remind me that it's for the best.
If I win the lottery, I may be tempted to hire someone to create a soda that is low in calories but doesn't taste like chemicals.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day Nine
I no longer have to supervise people. I never thought I'd ever regret a decision I made in my life but two years ago, I accepted a position of supervisor thinking it would be fantastic opportunity -- a chance to finally get credit and recognition for all of the things I did anyway without the title. I envisioned being the best boss ever -- someone people trusted, respected, learned from and thought was the coolest person in the world.
That didn't happen. Oh, it was ok in the beginning, but as the demands of the job increased and the work ethic of people I hired declined, my management techniques became borderline "micro management", following up on everyone every day. Mainly because I didn't want to get in trouble. Mainly because people had let me down and I was held responsible for them. I was tired of doing their work and getting heat for unmet goals.
Long miserable story somewhat shorter - I've been trying to find something else to do internally. My boss wouldn't sign off on a job posting to another department which left me hurt and confused.
But, she approached me Monday with a position within my current department that relieves me of my supervisor duties.
It will be a lot of work -- I'll be training, doing procedures, managing reports and other special projects. Possibly traveling.
I'm giving it a chance and hope that the no supervising thing will reduce some of my stress.
I'm also still buying planning on winning big Saturday in Atlantic City.
That didn't happen. Oh, it was ok in the beginning, but as the demands of the job increased and the work ethic of people I hired declined, my management techniques became borderline "micro management", following up on everyone every day. Mainly because I didn't want to get in trouble. Mainly because people had let me down and I was held responsible for them. I was tired of doing their work and getting heat for unmet goals.
Long miserable story somewhat shorter - I've been trying to find something else to do internally. My boss wouldn't sign off on a job posting to another department which left me hurt and confused.
But, she approached me Monday with a position within my current department that relieves me of my supervisor duties.
It will be a lot of work -- I'll be training, doing procedures, managing reports and other special projects. Possibly traveling.
I'm giving it a chance and hope that the no supervising thing will reduce some of my stress.
I'm also still buying planning on winning big Saturday in Atlantic City.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day Eight
A few years ago, I was struggling with some issues in my life and contacted the company "employee assistance" line. They set me up with 10 free counseling sessions with a therapist.
At the time, I was having issues with personal relationships, money, work and stress -- pretty much the same things I'm having issues with now.
The therapist was pretty helpful but I wasn't totally open with her. I only skimmed the surface, hoping for some major breakthrough that never really happened. Oh, there were some insightful moments -- a discovery about how my parents used money and things to keep me under their thumbs emotionally, my bad habit of being drawn to men who wanted to control and/or change me and my constant need to "shake things up" because I don't know how to cope unless there's some sort of drama. The sessions led to me eventually losing over 70 lbs, ending a toxic relationship and changing career paths at work so they weren't totally without value. I just couldn't commit to digging deeper.
Here I am, right back in the same place. Sort of. I no longer seek out men who want to control or change me. My parents have no control over me financially and I don't allow them to guilt me into visits any longer. When I do visit, I stay in a hotel and choose the length of time I want to spend with them. I'm still working on the "no more drama" thing.
So, tonight after work, I called my company's employee assistance line and sought out some help. The young lady on the other side of the phone listened patiently and then told me that she could never do my job or deal with the amount of stuff I'm dealing with and gave me the name of a therapist. She "approved" 3 free sessions. Guess my current employer is cheaper than my previous employer. I called the therapist and left a message. We'll see if I can finally conquer this need for drama in my life and maybe learn some coping techniques that do not involve large quantities of alcohol, and/or prescription medications.
If I win the mega millions tonight, I'll cancel the therapy request, quit my job and consider myself cured.
At the time, I was having issues with personal relationships, money, work and stress -- pretty much the same things I'm having issues with now.
The therapist was pretty helpful but I wasn't totally open with her. I only skimmed the surface, hoping for some major breakthrough that never really happened. Oh, there were some insightful moments -- a discovery about how my parents used money and things to keep me under their thumbs emotionally, my bad habit of being drawn to men who wanted to control and/or change me and my constant need to "shake things up" because I don't know how to cope unless there's some sort of drama. The sessions led to me eventually losing over 70 lbs, ending a toxic relationship and changing career paths at work so they weren't totally without value. I just couldn't commit to digging deeper.
Here I am, right back in the same place. Sort of. I no longer seek out men who want to control or change me. My parents have no control over me financially and I don't allow them to guilt me into visits any longer. When I do visit, I stay in a hotel and choose the length of time I want to spend with them. I'm still working on the "no more drama" thing.
So, tonight after work, I called my company's employee assistance line and sought out some help. The young lady on the other side of the phone listened patiently and then told me that she could never do my job or deal with the amount of stuff I'm dealing with and gave me the name of a therapist. She "approved" 3 free sessions. Guess my current employer is cheaper than my previous employer. I called the therapist and left a message. We'll see if I can finally conquer this need for drama in my life and maybe learn some coping techniques that do not involve large quantities of alcohol, and/or prescription medications.
If I win the mega millions tonight, I'll cancel the therapy request, quit my job and consider myself cured.
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