You Oughta Know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Do you think that we are intrinsically drawn to the same kinds of people without realizing it? 

Someone from my past reached out to me recently and told me he has found someone and she is a blonder and thinner version of me. He told me all of the things he likes about her and they are all qualities I possess. We have similar careers and hobbies. He said the kind of car she drives and it's like mine, sort of. We both drive an SUV. The only real difference is that she has been married and I haven't been. He even said, "She's a lot like you." I have no desire to have him back in my life and as Adele says, "I wish him the best..." Still, makes me wonder... Does our heart automatically seek out people like other people we are attracted to/have been attracted to? Even in the friend category, do we replicate what we like over and over?

I found it odd that he wanted to tell me that he found "someone like me".  I was flattered that he has chosen someone like me to be his life-partner.   Still, it was a bit unnerving to discover that there is someone out there who can offer a man the things I thought were uniquely me. I didn't like hearing that she has a sarcastic sense of humor, can whip up a mean home-cooked meal, makes arts and crafty things for people's birthdays and loves animals. She likes to travel, entertain and hang out with friends in quiet settings. She loves to read and go to the beach.  She is a development coach for a company and helps train/hire adults.  She drives (badly) an SUV which he hates because he's avidly environmental and thinks Satan himself invented the SUV.  Blah, blah, blah. I know he was telling me these things to prove to me that he can settle down with "the girl next door".  We only dated briefly and remained casual friends since we stopped dating.  I wasn't that serious about him but at the time, he was looking for someone more glamorous and I wasn't in the mood to be someone more glamorous. He thought his career was going a certain direction and he'd need the glossy trophy wife. I may clean up nice but I'm not into that lifestyle.  

The whole email exchange has made me think, though, about the things that draw people to one another. 

I have a friend who has been struggling with her feelings for a guy she knows.  (Here's the shocker - for once, I'm not writing about me and my relationship woes.) She's a bit younger than me.  We met through a previous job and kept in touch.  I fancy myself the wise, older sister.  She and this other young man work together on a charity project.  When she first met him, she told me, "He's not like any guy I've ever met before.  We clicked immediately.  He thinks I'm smart, funny and cute.  We flirt all the time.  I think this is going to be great."  (I'm taking creative liberties.  It was two years ago.  I can't remember the exact conversation, but basically, she met a wonderful guy who made her feel wonderful and treated her wonderfully.)

Over the course of the past couple of years, I've been privy to all sorts of endearing stories.  He went to a zoo and he bought her a stuffed zebra because it had some sort of sentimental reason for them.  She rode her first roller coaster because he dared her to do it.  He called her on her birthday to sing to her, at the exact time she was born.  They have pet names and special code for things they say to one another.  She saves his texts.  He likes to try to make her laugh when she's trying to be serious.  Cute stuff.  Stuff that Nora Ephron would be all over in Hollywood, set to upbeat Colbie Caillat music about finding that love that makes your whole world brighter than the sun.   She swears that she is in love with him and that she "thinks" he's in love with her.  She thought he knew how she felt about him.  She said she tells him things all the time about how grateful she is that she met him.  She tells him that she hopes she has him in her life forever.  She said she even gave him a "love you, too" comment when he said something snarky to her and he winked at her. However... they have not as much as kissed.  Two years.

Being me, I asked her, "Is he gay?"   She assured me he's not gay and that they talk about sex all the time.  They even flirt about it and he'll say things like, "I bet I could rock your world".  Yet...  nothing.

So, I asked her, "Is there a chance he's seeing someone you don't know about?  Maybe he isn't available?"  I even took it a step further and asked how often they go out and "how" he introduces her to people.

Yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut about that one.

He doesn't take her out.  Ever.  Their only interactions are at the charity events they do together with their mutual cohorts.

Turns out, he also has another female friend that he likes to do things with.  My friend said that she's always known that the other friend exists.  But, they've never met.  She knows her name.  She knows they lived in the same dorm "quad" in college and then later, in graduate school, they lived in a house with several other people.  Now, they live in the same apartment complex.

Being me, being in a honey badger mood, I said to her, "You need to find out where you stand and why he won't let the two of you meet."  (Now, I was not trying to incite drama.  You know how much I hate that.  I was just trying to encourage my friend who is 100% in love with this guy to make sure she wasn't setting herself up for heartache.)

Well, she was able to meet the female friend after much begging and fenangling, whom he insists is "just a friend" (you all know my feelings about that one).

She said to me that they were so much alike that it was scary.  She said that if they had met in any other circumstances, she probably would have wanted to hang out with the woman because they got along that well. She said there was some awkwardness when the two women realized that they had no clue that the other even existed though.  She said her male friend was kind of tense during the meeting and he seemed uncharacteristically silent. She said he wasn't his charming self and seemed almost afraid of what the two women would say to each other.

I asked her if he seemed to have any sort of attraction to the other woman or vice versa.  She said that the other woman did act more like a girlfriend meeting her boyfriend's colleague than a female friend meeting her male friend's romantic interest.  She said the woman was very touchy feely and used "we" a lot.  She said that she mentioned their standing "date" to watch a certain TV show together.  She did a lot of territory marking, according to my friend.

After she was done, I have to tell you, I didn't like the guy very much.  I have never met him.  They both live in Ohio.  However, if I did meet him, I'd probably tell him to grow a set and make a choice.  Pick one of the women.

I've been contemplating this.  He is obviously attracted to a certain type.  But, yet, he won't commit to either woman.  That is bizarre and smacks of stunted emotional development.  And sadly, as long as both women keep giving him what he needs without him having to choose, he'll keep on doing it.

I also had to think about sex.  Two years is a long time for a man to not have sex.  Women -- we can last longer because we have other ways of pleasing our needs (of course, this is just me justifying my dry spell).  Men, and yes I'm generalizing, typically like to have some sort of warm body part every few months.  So, is the territorial one a "friend with benefits" for him?  I want to meet the man who can go longer than that because I want to marry him right now and then spend at least a week making up for our mutual dry spells. :)

I asked my friend if he ever mentions having sex or going on dates.  She said no -- that in the two years she's known him, he's never gone out with anyone "else" (she still thinks they are dating) that she knows of.  She said she doesn't see him/talk to him seven days a week, though, and their charity work only brings them together two or three days a week, if that. But, "We talk all the time" she said.  She said that they talk in the middle of the night and during the day, when he's at work.  She said that you'd think she'd know of something or someone if it was in his life.  I asked if she's ever outright asked.  She said she didn't want to know.  She said that he goes away with his friends frequently to go to concerts and they all stay together in motel rooms to save on money and he never mentions any women or hooking up. I pondered, "Well, why would he?"  I mean -- if he's afraid of risking his perfect set up, he's not going to say, "Got a little strange last night."

Long story short, my friend still thinks she's in the running with this guy and that at some point, he's going to choose her over the other woman.  I'm thinking that unless she does something to set herself apart from the other woman, he's going to keep them both hanging on for as long as he can.  He has his cake, brownies and cookies and can eat all of them if he wants to. 

My friend emailed me a picture of the three of them together and physically, the two women are very different.  My friend is a tall raven haired chick with curves.  She's kind of sweet and innocent looking, though.  She looks like a tall Katy Perry.  The other woman is short, thin and blonde.  Very petite and kind of fragile looking.  Huge eyes. Meg Ryanish. The guy is attractive.  Not model gorgeous or anything.  Not anyone I'd imagine women fighting over, though.  In the photo, he has his arm around the other woman and not at all on my friend.  He is, however, looking directly at my friend with this look of adoration in his eyes, like he genuinely likes her, and is smiling at her.  I get the feeling that he feels loyal to the other woman but wants to be with my friend.  I think the other woman has probably some sort of hold on him and he's afraid to risk that for my friend. Wanna bet it's sex or money? ;)

The whole story is still unresolved. My friend is still being the perfect fake girlfriend and as far as I know, the other female friend is doing the same thing.  If I were a guy, I'd be temped to high five him for his boldness and ability to snag two women who are personality-twins without having to commit to either one. I've removed myself from offering advice as I am having a hard time being objective.  Maybe I should give her the link to the $5 psychic?

This brings me back to the whole "are we drawn to certain types of people?".

I'm not.  At least, not romantically.  If you were to line up all of the men I've dated and/or been "in love" (eyes rolled) with in my life, none of the look the same, act the same or talk the same.  They come from different walks of life, have different colored hair, different colored eyes, and different body shapes.  There were teachers, IT guys, managers, construction workers, motel workers, students, mechanics, artists, call center workers, co-workers ...  Some were very serious.  Some were not.  Some were well educated. Some were not.  Some "got" me.  Some didn't.  Some were funny.  Some were not.   As I evolved, my likes/dislikes evolved.  I've usually tried to find someone who is not like me very much to help alleviate my whole "boredom" thing where I want to switch out something new after a few weeks.  It wasn't until recently that I opened my mind to the whole concept of finding someone more like me who might be my equal instead of my opposite.  We'll see how that works out. 

Friends-wise - yes, I tend to gravitate towards the same kinds of people.  Funny, witty, smart, caring, independent people.  I like people who get my jokes and can keep up with me.  Whenever I stray outside of my comfort zone, I usually have very short-lived friendships.  I have a hard time socializing with people who can't keep up with my mind and jokes and who have lifestyles very different from mine.

There is a lot to be said for duplicity.  Or replicating..  or whatever word you want to use. 

It's not even a bad thing for dating...  maybe.  Dunno.  One at a time until you figure out what the others were missing or what you really "need".

For the guy who picked the "someone like me", I was missing blonde hair and narrower hips... and an ex-husband. :)

(Despite my use of Alanis to intro this blog, I really am okay with not being the chosen one.  In the future, I don't know that I'll take it quite so well.)

New Life

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will

Around this time last year, I had a dream that these men in suits showed up on my doorstep and told me that they were going to give me a new life.  They couldn't tell me anything about it ahead of time except that it would be better than the life I had.  There was one caveat - I had to be willing to walk out the door with them and leave my current life behind.  I was allowed to bring three personal items from my house/apartment if I accepted their offer.  I woke up before I could make up my mind.  

I took a nap this afternoon and had a similar dream.  Guess my subconscious wanted to give me a second chance. 

In this dream, I was on a game show of some sort and the grand prize, which I won, was $1 million.  But, as with most game shows, there was this twist.  I could take the money and walk away and make of my life whatever I wanted to make of it, leaving the future in Fate's hands. OR... I could give back the money and be "given" the kind of life I wanted -- the kind of job, house, spouse, kids, pets, etc no questions asked.  Guaranteed "perfection" and happiness.  Which did I want?  Money and uncertainty, but total control of my future?  Or, a lifetime of knowing that I had everything I wanted without worry or effort?

Which do you think I chose?

In my dream, I chose the perfect life over the money.  Certainty versus uncertainty.

They asked me what my perfect life consisted of and I told them the following:

• I wanted a huge house in the huge grassy field where the "restaurant" stood in Goonies, facing the water.  (I know this comes from the fact that the new hires and I were talking about favorite 80s movies this week and I told them that ever since I saw Goonies, I wanted to live in that little town, in the Goonie house, and own the Fratelli's restaurant.  Ironically, I googled the town the other day and it actually met my "ideal place to live" requirements.  14 year old me must have been on to something.)
• I wanted all of my bills paid off and $250,000 deposited into my savings account for emergencies.
• I wanted a job teaching Kindergarten in the same school featured in Kindergarten Cop. (Which was filmed in the same town as The Goonies.)
•  I wanted a sailboat and a new car.
•  I wanted a man who loved me as me.

That was all I asked for before I woke up.

After I woke up, I started to think about what I'd really do if presented with this type of offer.

Would I take the money and run? (insert some Steve Miller Band...)

Would I design the perfect life?

Part of me thinks one million dollars (after taxes) won't go very far which means I would probably be wishing I had taken what is behind door # 2.   I've worked hard for over two decades and I don't feel like I've gone very far with my life.  I think back to what I envisioned for myself when I was Goonie age.

I was going to become a writer -- a magazine writer -- and travel the world.  I was going to be fluent in foreign languages and live in penthouse type apartments.  My boyfriends would have exotic names and all look like they walked out of a Soloflex (now Bowflex) commercial.  I didn't own a car.  I had a driver. I was glossy and glamorous.  Plastic and vain.  Superficial.  Heart of ice.

Later, after high school, my perfect life involved becoming a grade school teacher, getting married to someone who was also involved in education, having 2 kids (one boy, one girl.  Michael for the boy. Molly for the girl.) and a nice house in the 'burbs with a yard, pool and swing set.  Maybe a dog and a cat.  I'd be a stay at home mom/volunteer/PTA mom until the kids were school age and then go back to school, teaching in the same district they attended so I could be home when they got home.  Disney vacations, road trips.  Singing in the car.  Mommy and Daddy on the couch, watching movies after the kids went to sleep.  Playing Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy.  I wore comfy dresses and comfy shoes.  I wasn't too fat or too thin.  Huggable and lovable.

After college, I wanted to be some corporate hot shot (Thanks to movies like Baby Boom and Working Girl) who had a fancy office, with an assistant.  I wore tailored suits and told people what to do. I dated the company attorney, had sex in the conference room and worked long hours.  I survived on coffee and coffee.  I was practically anorexic.   Heart of steel.  Nerves of glass.

Later, much later, I decided I wanted to move to the beach, find a job that allowed me to have fun but not kill myself, make friends who would be with me through thick and thin, fall in love with the one guy who got my jokes and who thought of me last thing at night and first thing in the morning.  I wanted a house near the beach.  I wanted a peaceful life with home-grown vegetables, long walks on the beach, picnics, cookouts, sailing with friends.  Bonfires with cold beer and someone playing music on a guitar.  Bundling up in blankets and hoodies.  Laughter.  Building sand castles.  A kid or two.  A pet or two.  A satisfying life filled with love and friendship.

In my life, I've been a grade-school teacher.  I've been a workaholic.  I've moved to the beach.  I've traveled to big cities. I had a cat named Molly.  I've gotten to help play Santa Claus to nieces and nephews. I've never had sex in a conference room.  None of my romantic interests looked like male models.  I do own comfy dresses and comfy shoes.  I have a few really good friends.  I've taken walks (alone) on the beach at both sunrise and sunset.  I've been to Disneyland, but no kids were involved. 

So, what would I put in this "perfect life" now?

My recent dream choices really aren't that far off.  I think I'd take them. I'd live in Goonie-ville.

Except for the teaching piece.  I'd like to substitute a writing job for the teaching job.  I'm burned out teaching people stuff.

I want a Jeep Wrangler, 4-door, limited edition, in white as my car.

As for the house, I want it to have a "pet annex".  I'd have the main house.  Then, attached to the main house via some sort of walk way would be a "pet house", a place where I could shelter cats and dogs together so that they aren't lonely and so that I can take into consideration my poor, poor friends who have animal allergies and can't be in my house with the pets.  (How does that happen?  I have two male friends and both of them are allergic to cats!)  This way, I can still have my animals and keep my friends, too.

As for the man, I think I've described him in great detail during the past year.  But, in case you haven't been reading....  tallish, darkish, boy next doorish.  Funny, smart, talent.....  ok, ok, you know, I'm not going to do this.   The most important thing about him is that he has a open heart and isn't afraid to love me.  Period.

Sounds like a nice life, huh.  

Where is this game show and how do I get on it?

No More Drama

So tired, tired of this drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired

Broken heart again
Another lesson learn
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again

I had some of the most unique new hires this session.  They were all nice women.  Friendly, talkative.  They all loved me and said that they felt like they knew me forever and that they would love to hang out with me.  I'm always flattered when they (the new hires) feel like they've bonded with me. 

That said, it was one heck of a week for drama, though.  

I do not thrive on drama.  I like a peaceful existence.  I'm not prone to confrontation.  Although, I can give as good as I get and could probably win a good debate or argument if I wanted to.  I have passion in my blood.  I often joke with a male friend that I want to make junk punching an Olympic sport and I want him to be my sparring partner.  But, violence and drama are not my thing.  Maybe it comes from growing up in a pretty volatile family with parents who fought all the time.  Screaming and fighting are not my method of communication.  I'm a lover, not a fighter.  This doesn't mean I don't know how to raise my voice to be heard, though.  I'm not a wimp.

So, the reason why I need to point this out is because these women seemed to want to inspire me to drama this week.

It actually started a couple of weeks ago when I filled in for a friend who was out sick and trained them for two days.  I was sick myself and wasn't myself.  I tried my best to be perky and happy with them, have fun with them and make a rather dry training topic fun.  We did some ice breakers and get to know you stuff.  As is normal these days, whenever I tell the new hires I'm single, this seems to cause alarm.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Maybe they know something I don't know.  In the current class, there were a couple of rather outspoken women who wanted to keep asking me questions about my love life.  I would give them basic answers - "I loved someone once.    Treated me badly.  Cheated on me.  I don't want that again."  I figured I'd give them enough personal info to satisfy their curiosity and then get them off of my back.  Oh, no.. Not this crew.  "Girl, did you hunt her down?  Did you tell her he was your man?"  I made a face and said no -- that it never occurred to me to hunt down some woman and assert my "ownership" of a man.  "He cheated on me.  He slept with someone else.  I found out from a mutual friend.  He didn't even tell me himself," I said, as way of explaining.  "Why would I want him back?  He slept with someone else.  Don't you get it?  I don't want someone if they don't want me enough to keep it in their pants."

Yeah, no.  They proceeded to give me advice on all of the things they'd do if they were in a similar situation.  Then, I explained this was YEARS ago and I have no desire to dredge up the past.  I've moved on.  He's moved on.  End of story.

Then, it was about sex.  Did I have anyone in my life who was a "jump off"?  What the heck is a jump off?  Turns out it's a booty call.  Someone to just do and that's it.  Yeah, I explained to them (although I had no obligation to do so) that I'm old-fashioned and believe love and sex go hand in hand.  I can't separate the two.  I can't.  That's just me.  I need an emotional attachment with someone.  They assured me that they were going to find me someone to be my jump off and then I'd change my mind.  This actually scared me.  They asked me what I liked in a man.  I listed my grocery list of ingredients - smart, funny, open-minded, educated, clean-cut, smells nice, creative, witty...  They stopped me.  "No, girl.  You are describing your soul mate.  We're talking about the baser things.  What turns you on?  What does he look like?  What kind of man do you want to wrinkle your sheets?"  I thought for a minute.  Then, I said, "Smart, funny, open-minded, educated, clean-cut, smells nice, creative, witty..."  This frustrated them.  They dropped the subject.

Then, they decided that I must already have someone and was just playing with them.  They tried to trick me.  Asked me the last time I went on a date.  What was the most romantic thing that happened in my life recently.  When was the last time a guy did something nice for me.  Who was the last person to make me laugh.  Who was I texting during breaks?  Who was that guy I hugged in the hallway?  Who is that guy who looks at my butt when I walk by him in the break room?   I dodged many of the questions.

"Don't you want to get married?"
I don't know.  I do want a commitment some day.  I don't know if marriage is it, though. (This led to a discussion on what "commitment" meant to me.  I already discussed this in my BOYFRIEND blog.)


"Don't you want to have a baby?"
Maybe.  I don't know. Depends on the man. (This led to a discussion about biological clocks and adoption and how I'd be a good mom and a fun mom.)

I have a fairly good relationship with my male co-worker.  You already know that if you read my blog.  We have each others' backs.  We have the same kind of sense of humor and can play off of each other.  We also get along fairly well and enjoy talking to each other during breaks.  We also eat lunch together.  Occasionally, we text each other funny things.  Mostly me texting him.  But, I like to annoy him.  It's how I roll.  We don't hang out outside of work. I haven't earned that trust yet.  Maybe someday.

They picked up on this friendship immediately, before I even had a chance to tell any of my usual "funny stories" about him.  Since I was not giving them anything to work with in regards to the men in my life - past, present or future - they decided that they were going to focus on my friendship with him.  

"You two are dating, right?"

No.

"OK, seriously, we won't tell anyone.  Is there a policy against dating?"

There's nothing to tell. We're good friends. No, there isn't any policy.

"Have you ever dated a co-worker before?"

Not here.  But, yes, I dated a co-worker before.

"Did it work out?"

I'm still single.  What do you think?

"Would you date a co-worker again?"

Yes.  Considering I spend 9 hours a day here, 5 days a week, I think here is probably where I will meet someone. (This led to a discussion about personal ads and I shared my dissatisfaction and frustration with personal ads.)

"Then, why aren't you two dating?"

We're good friends. Besides, I think he's seeing someone.

"You need to change that. Get him drunk. Do things to him."

No. That crap doesn't work. (This led to a discussion about how chick flicks have warped our minds into thinking that just because two people get along they have to be secretly in love with each other and that only through drunken sexual encounters do they realize it.)

"You get along so well. You're fun together."

Yes, we're fun together and get along well. We have a bond. That's why we're friends. I get along well with other guys, too.  Do you want me to get them drunk, too? Do things with them?

"Yes! Are they single?"

(SIGH)

This led to them pointing out various men who walked by, talked to me, smiled at me, looked at me or slightly leaned in my direction.

And on and on and on it went.  All week.  Luckily, I'm smart enough to know what to say and what not to say.  I kept giving them other things to talk about, usually about television shows and movies, every time they tried to insinuate more. Gave them more work to do.  Gave them a quiz. I even got serious and tough and they got mad at me.

I assured them that we were good friends and that I didn't care what people thought of us spending time together. I like him and he likes me and we have fun together. Nothing was going to change that and as much as I appreciated their morbid fascination in my love life, I wasn't taking advice from them.  I explained that I don't respond to peer pressure. They didn't like that. I wonder how they would have responded if I had said, "A psychic said we're meant to be just friends."?  (laughing inside)  I just think that they get so wrapped up in their drama that they can't understand two people who can get along as well as we do without us having some sort of drama of our own. What they don't realize is that he and I have the kind of friendship where we know what people say about him/us and we joke about it and then keep on doing our thing.  We're both like honey badgers. We don't care. We are what we are.

I wasn't the only one they wanted to draw into their drama, though.

Each morning, while they booted up their systems and got ready for the day, they'd chat with one another and I'd fiddle with my papers, trying not to hear.  

One girl talked about how she has a male friend who likes to hang out with her.  However, he has a girlfriend who doesn't know he likes to hang out with her.  She (the girl in my class) likes the male friend (of course she does!) and decided to let his girlfriend know she exists.  The girlfriend drove to her place and "stared at her".  She wanted to fight said girlfriend.  I mocked her in my head.  Yeah, that would go over real well.  If I were a guy and two women got into a cat fight over me, I'd want nothing to do with either one of them. Too much drama.

Then, one of the other girls chimed in with the news that she had a male friend, too, whom she hung out with.  (I'm starting to think "hang out" = have sex, which probably explains why my male friend won't accept my invites to "hang out" sometime.  He probably thinks I want to have sex.)  I innocently thought she was just hanging out with him -- watching movies, having dinner, talking -- until she announced in class that she was "having a miscarriage" and rushed out of the room.  She was in the bathroom for awhile and then came back and said, "Whew, just my period!"  My eyes goggled then.  Obviously, she's doing something with the male friend if the possibility of a "miscarriage" came to mind over period.  I mean -- I'm not having sex, so when Aunt Flo visits each month, I don't think "miscarriage" first.  I shared this odd story with my male friend and we joked that each month, I should announce I had a miscarriage so we can all know when I might be less than perky.  He even suggested I start naming them.  I might get a baby book.  I said I want to do a weather report.  "Approaching us this week will be Agatha.  She's scheduled to arrive in the vicinity on Wednesday, bringing bouts of crying and horniness.  She's expected to linger for 3-5 days and then leave everyone peacefully..."  (Yes, we really do talk about these kinds of things!  I told him we could become a game like "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" because no matter what we talk about, we (and by "we", I mean "me") can usually discuss something to do with sex by the end of the conversation.  I've already blogged about the "Junk" fixation.)

Another one liked to announce when she has toilet issues.  "I was on the toilet for two hours.  Must have been something I ate." 

They eventually dropped the subject about me and my male friend and moved on to other men possibilities, but I'm sure, in their heads, there is some major thing going on that will involve drunken sex, me fighting with some woman in his life and possibly getting pregnant.  Life is like that for them.  

Not for me.  I don't believe in "getting someone drunk" just to have them want to do things with me.  I definitely would not use it to trick someone into a sexual relationship.  Sex does not fix everything.  I don't fight with women over men.  That's just skanky. I believe in free will.  If a man wants to be with me, he'll be with me.  I'm not going to take out the competition.  (eyes rolled)  For the record, I tried the "getting someone drunk" thing once.  It didn't work.

Here's the thing about me... I think life is too short for so much drama. It seems like I have this knack for collecting people who like drama.  It's not just co-workers and new hires.   After awhile, it wears me down.

I've been working really hard to have a positive outlook lately.  I wrote about that in my last blog.

I have a few friends who have been going through some issues.  They have been calling me to discuss their issues.

I am a problem solver.  I tell people all the time -- "If you drop your problem on me, I'll help you find a solution.  If you just want to vent, you need to tell me that or else I'll try to help you out."

Sometimes, they always want to vent and the solution to their misery is right in front of their faces -- leave the bastard, get a new job, save your money, move, delete the dating profile, see a doctor, cut up the credit cards, pay your bills, brown-bag it, stop texting him, stop sleeping with him....   The advice is simple and blunt but they don't want it.

So, I have been putting my foot down.  I fix my problems.  Yes, yes, I go through this "talk it out" period where I rehash everything.  Analyze everything.  Do a play by play of everything.  Then, I go through this adjustment phase -- I cry a little, I bitch a little, I don't sleep.... I make up my mind. Then, I come up with a solution.

I joked about it on Facebook.  I said the Darnell method of dealing with serious things is to ignore them until they go away OR they become so serious you have to deal with them.  If they don't go away or escalate, they weren't really problems to begin with.

I've noticed I'm losing popularity with those who just want to be miserable.  But, I guess that just means that maybe we weren't that great friends to begin with --- or maybe they just need their space to work this out on their own and I've been too enabling.  Whatever.  I'll be here when they are ready for me again.  I'm loyal to my friends.  I just need to remember who wants solutions and who doesn't.  It's hard for me not to want to fix things.

I believe positive energy breeds positive energy.

An example of this -  yesterday, my friend Janelle and I went to Harborfest in downtown Norfolk.  I have made it my mission to try as many of the cultural events here as possible this year so that I can decide if I want to stay or want to go at the end of the year.  I like to change things up and move around every few years.  Maybe if I ever do meet someone and settle down, this wanderlust will change.  However, right now, there's nothing keeping me here.  I'm thinking West Coast for my next adventure, but... until then, I'm keeping an open mind about this area.

We walked around, took photos, joked and laughed.  I told her stories about work and she told me stories about her family visits.  Good times.  Then, we settled in for the Colbie Caillat concert.

This woman asked if we minded if she sat in front of us.  We said no, we didn't mind.  Within minutes, we started chatting.  I can talk to anyone.  I guess it comes from my career choices.  It's funny -- I was so painfully shy as a kid... and now, I can strike up conversations with just about anyone.   I brought some dollar store glow sticks with me and it was the "arts and crafts" ice breaker we needed.  We started making funny things out of them and wearing them and taking photos with them.  I made jokes about sailors, meat on a stick, giant turkey legs, snipers on the roof, etc etc etc.  I think there is just this comedian inside of me that feels the need to entertain.  I was totally sober, too.  I don't need alcohol to have fun.  I never did.  The woman kept saying how funny I was and how much fun she was having.

All I kept thinking was that this was the universe repaying me for having a positive outlook.  Anyone could have sat down there.  Anyone.  The woman who looked like Justin Bieber.  The couple who kept groping each other.  The couple who sneered at us when we put our chairs near theirs. Instead, we got a nice, funny woman from DC who was as impulsive and goofy as we were.  It made for great entertainment.  We exchanged names and have since friended each other on Facebook.

When you decide to say good-bye to drama, good things happen.

And, no, really, I'm not dating anyone.  Really.

I Don't Want To Be

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

I have a friend who tells me all the time, especially when I start to doubt myself, that she wishes that she could make me see myself the way she sees me.  She said that if I could see myself the way that she, and all of the other people who care about me, see me, I'd be more inclined to have faith in myself, my decisions, my goals and my life.

I've been trying really hard this past week to do that.  

Someone posted on Facebook a few weeks a question asking, "What's the difference between arrogance and confidence?"

I responded, "Confidence is knowing you can do something well.  Arrogance is making sure everyone else knows it too."

I'm always afraid to toot my own horn because I don't want to seem arrogant.  Inside, I feel like I'm a good person, a real person, someone to be valued and loved.  However, I don't want to walk around poking people in the chest and saying, "Hey, look at me, I'm freaking awesome!  If you can't see that and say that, get the f*ck out of my life."  I'd like to.  But, I can't.

Last Friday, I was off from work, trying to get over a sinus infection.  A friend of mine was off from work, too, and IM'd me in the morning about her latest dating adventure.  She's a bit of a personal ad wh*re.  She is registered with just about every personal ad website known to man and always thinks I need to follow in her footsteps.  I think she might be one of those people who can't be alone... who just doesn't know how to be alone... and has to have someone around.  Well, if you read my BOYFRIEND blog, you know that I actually don't mind being alone on occasion.  I get lonely, too, but for the most part, I enjoy my down time.  My privacy.

So, if you ever want to sit down and try to prove to someone that you're freaking awesome and that you deserve all of the attention that being freaking awesome should get, try to write a personal ad.  It's hard.  You want to appear confident, but not arrogant.  You want to seem genuine, but not corny.  You want to sound sexy, but not freaky.  You want to sound independent, but not aloof.  On and on and on.

I need to point out that I'm still not interested in finding anyone right now.  I have to get my money crap fixed first.  I don't want to start any sort of relationship with anyone until it's taken care of.  "Hi, you know that whole for richer or poorer thing, well, let me introduce you to the poorer part of the equation..."  It's embarrassing to admit I've made a mess of my finances and that I am scrambling for a solution.  I feel like I've failed in some way.  I always take care of myself.  Always.  But, that's another blog for another time.

I was bored.  Lonely.  Sick.  So, I placed the personal ad on a website for overweight women and the men who allegedly love them, a recommendation from my friend.

Yeah.. I should have read some of the other ads first.  Within a couple of hours, I had a sexually oriented message from some guy in Norfolk who liked to "eat pussie, stick it in a woman's butt and then offer up some 69 for dessert..."  I was more appalled, I think, by the misspelling of "pussy".  I deleted the message.

A few days later, a couple asked me if I was interested in doing something with them.  Deleted that one, too.  Then, I deleted the profile, took a shower and reminded myself that these are not the kind of men I want in my life.  Oh, I don't discount the power of oral sex... I just prefer that it not be so...  trashy sounding.  Also, with the whole rash of cannibalism, I'm afraid I might be too much good eating for someone.  As one of the cooks on the Food Channel says, "Fat is flavor."  I think it was Emeril.

I digress.  Over the weekend, I empowered myself to go out and do some things I wanted to do on my own.  I wanted to do them with others but no one was available or interested so I decided to go by myself. 

Then, I decided I was going to work really really hard to see myself the way my friend who thinks I'm beautiful sees me.  I wore clothing I wouldn't normally wear.  I walked prouder.  I stood taller.  I smiled more.  I even got a full body scan from a guy.  Ok, yes, a kind of sleazy guy but a guy nonetheless.  Guys don't check me out.  I admit I smiled as I walked away.  In fact, I think I may have swayed the hips a little more than normal.  What the f*ck, right?

Then, another thing happened...  someone took an interest in my life.  Asked me questions about me.  Wanted to know about me and what makes me tick.  Said that I seemed like an interesting person and that they felt I had stories to tell.  I'm usually the one who does all of question-asking and information sharing, even if people don't ask.  Now, the person is not a romantic contender.  He's a married man whom I know through an old job who has been asking me to help him with something.  We've been emailing and I shared a personal story with him about something in my life that happened that is similar to something he is doing.  He wrote back and asked me some questions.  Said he was curious about me.  Said I always seemed kind of mysterious and private.  He doesn't know about this blog, obviously.

However, his questions made me think back to a time when I met this guy on a forum on CompuServe and we had these "Questions Du Jour" that we emailed each other.  We'd take turns asking all sorts of questions -- from favorite foods to favorite childhood memory to scariest moment or funniest thing that ever happened to us.  It was fun.  I looked forward to that.  I looked forward to getting to know him better and having someone be curious about me.  With all of the technology, social media, navel gazing and "ice breakers" at work, there are bits and pieces of me all over the place and I'm sure I've made it way too easy for people to think they know who I am.  (But, do you really?  I mean - really? I was an editor.  I'm a writer.  How much of this is real?  How much is fantasy?)  

The point of this rambling is that I've decided I'm done trying to be what other people want me to be... or what I think other people want me to be.  I don't want to be anyone other than who I am.  Really.  People seem to be interested in the "real" me and not the "semi-real" me.  Maybe I need to be me more often.

If that means wearing a shorter dress that shows off my big ole butt, I'm going to wear it.  If it means wearing a long maxi dress with a plunging neckline, yup, I'm gonna wear it.  If it means hanging out on break with a male friend and whom people think has more going on than friendship, I'm gonna hang out with the male friend and think to myself he'd be damned lucky to be linked to me as more than a friend.  If it means not going to the gym because I just don't feel like it and would rather come home and curl up with a good book, than that's what I'm going to do too.

One of the new hires in my current class asked me about a time in my life when I was slimmer and asked me to bring in a photo.  The only photo I could find had me and this man I used to think I was madly in love with in it.  I looked at the photo with sadness because although I was thinner, I wasn't entirely happy.  The "thinner" me was that way to try to win his love.  So, seeing the photo again made me feel sad.  I don't want to change to try to make a man love me.

I think I saw a glimpse of what my friend sees in me when I stood in front of the mirror on Tuesday trying to take a cell phone picture on a dare and realized I need to stop hiding what God gave me and start embracing who I am.  

If my wonderful friends can love me as I am, it's just a matter of time before I believe it all the time, too.

I may even ditch the granny panties and invest in some condoms.  I'm feeling that good about myself right now.  =)

Intuition

It's not hard to understand
Just follow this simple plan

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
It's easy to find
Just follow your heart baby

I consider myself a fairly intuitive person.  I get vibes on people when I meet them.  Now, I don't always listen to those vibes and end up later telling myself, "I told you so..." but for the most part, my insides usually let me know when things are going well with people and when they aren't.  I can pick up a bad mood or pain as soon as I come within 5 feet of someone I care about. A friend calls it being an empath.  I have these little alarms that go off inside of me whenever something or someone doesn't feel quite right.  I can usually walk into a room and pick up on tension, aggression, etc.  Sadly, I sometimes let these feelings get to me.  If someone is having a bad day, especially someone I care about, I pick up their bad feelings.  I can usually filter out the bad feelings of people whom aren't particularly close and just want to vent or let off steam.  Those I can block and go about my day.  I'm constantly asking people, "Are you okay?" because I can just "feel" that things are off.  Most of the time, I get "I'm okay" as a response but I can see by the look in their eyes that it kind of throws them off when I ask it when they aren't visibly doing anything to indicate they are not themselves.

However, when it comes to matters of the heart -- love, romance, etc -- my intuitive skills fail me.  Absolutely leave me in the lurch.  I confuse friendship for romance.  I confuse romance for friendship.  I misread signs or don't see any at all.  I am drawn to people who use me and toss me aside.  I overlook people who would place me on a pedestal and worship me.  I try to listen to my heart.  I try to use the same skills I have for other situations on the men in my life (past and present) and I am a bumbling fool.  No success whatsoever.

That being said, I believe in clairvoyance and psychic ability.  I've mentioned it before.   I believe there are people who have very advanced skills in reading people's energies and auras and using their own intuition to answer the dilemmas we all face.  They can't give out lottery numbers.  They can't tell me who I'm going to marry and when.  They can't tell me what my next job will be.  It just doesn't work that way.  However, they can give me peace of mind when I start to doubt myself.

A close friend has these skills.  I reach out to her constantly whenever I get a little insecure about things.  I'll say to her, "OK, here's what I'm thinking...." or "Here's what I feel it might be..." and give her my own interpretation and gut instinct on things and she'll either confirm what I was thinking and/or feeling or she'll give me her own spin on the situation, using her own skills and guides.   She never ceases to impress me with how dead on she has been with people and situations.  She can totally nail things based on very little information.

That said, I rely on her too much.  TOO MUCH.  Over the weekend, I did some soul searching about Mr. Tingles (the male friend whom I romanticized in my mind as having the potential to be more than just a friend.) and realized that in some ways, I wish I hadn't asked her to do so many readings on "our" energy.  Whenever I'd get a little confused with him, I'd run to her.  She'd give me her feedback, do a reading and then I'd do the complete opposite of what she told me would probably be best for the situation. 

I'm an optimist.  I'm a romantic.  I always believe that if I shower people with positivity, love and kindness that it will be the thing that turns someone's sour soul around. I believe that I can reverse negative thinking.  I believe in the good of people.

So, to give her a break, last month, I reached out to another psychic.  A $5 psychic.  First, I tested the psychic's ability by asking for advice on something I already sort of knew the answer/outcome.  When he/she passed the test, I hit her/him with the "do I have any sort of romantic chance with the men in my life?"  I have several straight (I think), single male friends.  I am not dating anyone.  So, it would be so much easier for me if one of these men with whom I already have a connection of sorts could be my hunka hunka burning love.  I'd feel more confident.  I'd be more likely to take a chance.  Go out on a limb.

Nope.  Nada.  None of them.  My friend has sort of told me the same thing.  She has told me which men has strong positive energy and which ones don't.  But, she didn't see anything romantic with any of my male friends.  Bummer, right?  So, the other psychic told me the same thing.  It's like thinking you're pregnant and buying every pregnancy test in the store.  50 of them come back positive and 1 comes back negative.  You latch on to the negative one, hoping it was the correct one, even though the odds say otherwise.  That's how I was with these readings.  The $5 psychic said, "At this moment...."  My friend said, ".... until he resolves issues...."   Those statements were not drop-dead  "No"s to me.  "At this moment" became "Maybe some day in the future, it will be different..." in my head.  "...until he resolves issues..." became "... help him resolve his issues, and he'll be yours!" in my mind.

Nevermind that the $5 psychic told me that one of the men in question would do something during a specific time period that would negatively change my opinion of him and something did happen during that time period and it did make me change my opinion of him... or, well, it made me thing of him poorly for a period of time, then I went right back to liking him again.

So, I chug along like the little engine that could.   Waiting for "at this time" to expire.  Waiting for "issues to be resolved."

It's emotionally exhausting.  I don't usually doubt myself.  I feel like I'm on this pendulum swinging back and forth between "being sure of myself" and "being insecure of myself."

Just when I start to swing towards sureness and security, something will happen to swing me back the other way.  A flirtatious comment.  Someone telling me that they think someone "likes" me.  A tingle.  A vibe.  I get hopeful.  Then, something goes wrong and I crash.

Last night, the $5 psychic reached out to me to "follow up" on the advice he/she gave me last month and asked if the events they mentioned came true.  I advised the person that, sadly, the events did in fact occur and that there was no sign of romance.  He/she wrote me back that nothing had changed -- that they could tell me 100% that this one person in my life is not meant for me.  They have someone else.  We are only meant to be close friends and nothing more.  Ever.  This time, the psychic actually put a nice cemented end statement.  "Ever"  But, to give me hope, he/she said that they saw positive changes in my life this fall and romance for me in October.

This led me to posting a question on Facebook last night -- if someone were to tell you with 100% confidence that someone in your life was not meant to be in your life, would you just walk away from that person or would you try to prove the other person wrong?

I tend to believe everything happens for a reason and that we are masters of our own destiny.  Our future path may have some pre-destiny, but I think we can change things too.  Think about Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL.  Scrooge was able to change his life path.  Why can't we?

Of course, this could just be my stubbornness showing through.  My inability to let go of things that are important to me.

But, then, there's another part of me that seeks the peace that comes from knowing that the person who causes me to question myself and who makes my heart hurt on occasion isn't meant for me.  I can let go.  I can let the chips fall where they may and know I did my best and that it just isn't meant to be.  I'm a square peg.  He's a round hole.  Even if I sand the square peg down and make it fit into the round hole, it wouldn't be natural.  It wouldn't be right.  It wouldn't be true.  I can enjoy the good stuff and use it to build my confidence for when my Mr. Right does show up.  I can be a friend.  I'm good at being a friend.

My gut tells me and has been telling me that this person is possibly in love with someone else even though he won't admit it to himself. I also think someone hurt him badly and he's afraid to take a chance with that person or anyone else. He likes to play the field but deep down wants one person to prove to him that he's wrong about his thoughts on women and love. I'm safe -- like all of the gay men in my life are safe for me.  He can be himself with me.  He knows I'll like him no matter what and have his back no matter what.  We're meant to be friends.  Nothing more.  I'm okay with that.  The psychic said it, so it has to be true.

I need to trust my own intuition.

And resist the urge to ask the $5 psychic for more information about the "October Romance".

Rock Star

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I was watching the movie New Year's Eve this afternoon, a Redbox 50% off rental.  It has Josh Duhamel in it.  That alone made me rent it.  Luckily, it didn't cost much because the movie sucked.  I normally like chick flicks but this one did not hold my interest.  The best part of the entire movie was that there was a storyline about a 40something woman who has this list of resolutions she wanted to do before 2011 ended, so she hires a hot bike messenger half her age to help her make the list come true.  He seemed like fun and helped her come out of her shell.  He thought of creative ways to help her cross off her list.

Anyhoo -- Josh Duhamel.  He's on my list of "Five Celebrities I'd Do It With".

There was an episode of FRIENDS back in 1996 where Ross had this laminated list of the celebrities he was "allowed" to have sex with if the opportunity ever arose.  Isabella Rosellini was on his draft but didn't make it to the final list and then he meets her and tries to convince her that she was on his "list".  She has this great comeback about how someone like him was on her original list too, but got cut. I think.  It was 16 years ago.

At the time, my list was quite different.  Mid-90s.  Hmmm...  yeah, I'm sure that there were a few odd choices.  Probably a lot of alternative rock musicians. I think there's a dirty wh*re groupie inside of me some place.

However, I tweaked the list a few years ago, when I was in a quasi-relationship, and that list has kind of stood the test of time.  I created the list to help take my mind of the sucky quasi-relationship.  Everyone has a celebrity they wish would ride in on a white horse, right?  (Guys, if a woman ever asks you this, the answer is, "No, honey, you're all I need.  Sofia Vergas' accent is annoying and I'm sure her breasts are fake." Gals, if a guy ever asks you about a list, deny it.  Fervently.)

Anyhoo, my list.  As of right now.

Josh Duhamel.  He was on that show Las Vegas and some soap opera before that, but I fell in love with him in the movie WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON.  He's tall, has boyish good looks and seems to be kind of charming.  I remember googling him and finding out he's from the midwest and actually wanted to be a dentist.  Anyway, there's this scene in TAD HAMILTON where he is trying to chop wood with an axe and he takes off his shirt and ....  let's just say that the man has a body.  A nice nice body.  He was placed on my list for the pure lust factor alone.  Then, I discovered he had been a male model at one point and did a series of nude poses. (The link takes you to the nude poses, so if you don't want to see him naked, don't click the link.) They are still circulating on gay men websites.  He appears to be rather endowed.  At least it seems large to me.  It's kind of difficult to tell in a photo.  I'd have to see him in the flesh to know for real. And then have someone else to compare it to.  I'm not entirely sure I remember what the real thing looks like.  He  has stayed on my list because he seems like a genuinely nice guy.  I've seen him on talk shows and aside from being Fergie's (from the Black Eyed Peas) main squeeze, he doesn't like to draw attention to himself.  He is big into charitable events, animals, kids and seems fairly humble.  Man, could you imagine going to the dentist for a root canal and having that walk into the room?

Rick Springfield.  Come on, you knew he'd be on my list.  I've had a crush on him since 7th grade.  He's the epitome of tall, dark and handsome.  And he's a musician.  I admit my adoration of him faltered a little when I read his biography and he admitted to having issues with sexual addiction and cheating on his wife.  I wanted to pretend I hadn't read that.  However, he also freely admitted to having problems with depression, too, something I also battle and it made me feel a kinship with him.  I totally understood the feelings he described.  So, Rick stays on the list for nostalgia purposes.  I'm sure actually doing it with him would ruin the fantasy but I would love to say, "I slept with Rick Springfield!"  Maybe even wear a "Jessie's Girl" nightshirt afterwards.  If I can't have him in my bed, then I'd love it if he could sing at my wedding, if I ever get married. I also like to point out that I've been faithful to him for over 30 years... and if I can be faithful to him for that long, I might actually stand a chance at a real marriage some day. Of course, I'm getting older and the chances that I'll actually be alive for a 30 year marriage get slimmer each year, but hope springs eternal.

Matthew Fox.  I had a crush on him when he was the big brother, the responsible brother, on PARTY OF FIVE.  Then, when LOST appeared on television, I was re-smitten.  Tall, dark, handsome, kind of broody, kind of self-deprecating...  He has this "little boy lost" thing to him where you want to take him in your arms and ask him to tell you everything that is bothering him and then try to help him battle his demons. (Ok, Ok, that was his character "Jack" but since I can't have sex with a fictional character, the actor will have to suffice.)  I have a thing for potentially troubled men.  Not because I want to fix them, but because I've been troubled myself in the past and would love to have a soul mate who understood personal demons, and not getting enough love as a kid, and having daddy issues...  who would turn around and open up his arms to me and let me tell him all of my secrets, too.

Jason Mraz. Not quite so tall or handsome.  Yet, he has this gentle, boy next door spirit.  I do not like his current crunchy granola phase.  I am not a fan of long hair on a man.  Especially long hair that looks better than any wig I could ever buy.  Especially when I can't grow long hair myself.  I fell for Jason when I heard his song "You and I Both" from his WAITING ON MY ROCKET CD.  I think it was 2004ish.  My friend Janelle and I were driving around in her car, here in Virginia, while I was on vacation from Ohio.  I knew his song THE REMEDY.  I hadn't heard the entire CD though.  We listened to it over and over and then she burned it for me to take home for me.  I still have it in my car.  When he sang, "I'm all about them words... over numbers, unencumbered numbered words.. pages, pages, pages forward...", I felt a connection.  I'm all about words, too.  True, his words are song lyrics.  Mine are blog posts, Facebook status updates and the occasional business writing, but WORDS... WORDS are sexy.  I'm all about creativity.  I love a man who can do things with the written word.  Tell me a story.  Write me a poem.  Write me a song.  He's also quite the entertainer.  He can sing the sh*t out of anything --  from Frank Sinatra, to the Beatles, to the Bee Gees to opera.  He also has a fairly upbeat personality and tries to write songs that are positive.  He doesn't write about how depressed he is that a relationship ended.  He writes about what he learned about it and how he became a better person from it.  Oh, and he raps, too.  I love Geek in the Pink.  I've read posts on forums that he's not so nice in real life and has a bit of a temper if things don't go his way, but... I wouldn't expect perfection from anyone.

The #5 slot...  well, this one keeps changing.  The top 4 - locked in.  However, # 5 changes.  It's my wildcard.  Someone funny?  Will Smith or Jimmy Fallon.  Someone mature and sexy?  George Clooney or Harrison Ford or Tom Hanks.  Someone young and sassy? Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds.  Too many choices.  Gerard Butler? Richard Gere? Hugh Grant? Keanu Reeves?

I'd like to think that #5 is being held open for my "real life" leading man -- the person who has a little bit of everything so that he makes # 1-4 pale in comparison. 

My Message Doesn't Make It Through

I'd go beyond our fighting borders
If you needed that from me
I'd march with decorated soldiers
To get your pretty eyes to see

Well, I would bring your morning coffee
Then I'd wrap you up in me
I'd kiss your belly and your shoulders
Cover blankets on our feet

So slow down
There's some kind of blessing here
But you have missed your cue

So keep your eyes set on the horizon
On the line where blue meets blue
And I would let that silver lining
Where I know it'd find you soon

'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you
But my messages don't seem to make it through

A friend of mine states that dreams help you heal... help you make decisions that you may not feel comfortable making in the daylight.  I'm a believer that our dreams guide us.  Walt Disney said that dreams are wishes our hearts make.  I'll take it a step further and add that they are also the answers we seek, the problems we are trying solve and the lifestyles we want to live.

I've always been a dreamer.  Even when I was a kid.  I would always wake up and say, "Oh, I had a dream about...." and my mom would say, "Don't tell your dream before breakfast."  It was some old wives' tale or superstition about bad dreams coming true and good dreams not coming true if you told them before breakfast.  So, now whenever I have a dream I want to tell someone, I make sure I eat something before I tell it.

I've been having a series of dreams involving the same people and similar issues.  All are matters of the heart and all deal with me having to make a decision of some sort.

I was awake early this morning.  Before 8:00.  Of course, I was in bed last night by 11:30, so I'm sure that had something to do with it.

I putzed around the house for a bit this morning and then took a nap at noon.  I slept with Abby for two hours.  I am fairly certain that I was probably a cat in another life.  I love sleeping.  Abby loves sleeping.  She loves it when I look at her and say, "Mommy wants to go to bed bed."  She runs to my bedroom.  Cats can be taught to understand some English.  She knows "bed bed" and "food food".  Oh, and "bird".

I had another work-related dream.

In my dream, it was my last day at work, by my choice. I get the feeling I had gotten a better job some place else and didn't want to give two weeks' notice so I was just going to work right up til the last moment and not come back. This was that "last moment".

It was a little before 3:00 in my dream and I wrote a male friend this email telling him that I loved him as a friend and thought he had potential and that it was heartbreaking that whomever hurt him prevented him from taking a leap with me as a friend outside of work. Told him I enjoyed working with him and the strong connection we had and how I've never had such a strong connection with anyone, male or female, before. Said that I would have told him sooner that I was leaving but I'm not good with goodbyes and I didn't want him to see me cry. Told him he knew how to find me when he decided he wanted me in his life (no "if"). Told him where I was going and that they had openings he qualified for, too. I added a few more compliments and words of encouragement, as if to prove to him that he had worth in my life and that I had worth in his life.

I felt a little sad and yet a little relieved when I was done composing the email.  I was hopeful that he'd want to get together and be friends once I was gone, but there was this part of me that felt that he just wasn't ready to leave his comfort zone and for whatever reason, I felt that I scared him.... that he didn't quite believe that I was for real -- that I could be so nice, so smart, etc.  I kept hearing that going through my head - as if I were chaneling his thoughts.  The reason why he hadn't taken our friendship out of the workplace was that he had been hurt or burned by people in the past who seemed too good to be true and he was just waiting for my true colors to surface so he could say I was like everyone else.  I wanted to prove him wrong, wanted him to sit down and talk to my other friends who know me and who could assure him that I really am who I am, and that it's just not in me to purposely hurt and/or use someone.   I didn't write these things.  These were the thoughts I had as I re-read the email before hitting send.   Part of me wanted to add them but was afraid he wasn't ready for so much honesty from me.

I hit send, gathered my personal belongings and headed for the door, planning on leaving before anyone noticed.  It was 3:15.  I figured I was safe because it was not a break time and my male friend was supposed to be working and I didn't think I'd run into him.

As I was heading towards the door, my dept manager stopped me and said there was an important meeting I needed to attend and he was sorry for the last minute announcement and asked if I could please go to the conference room. I contemplated saying "Oh, I just quit" and making a dash for it but he intimidates me. So, I went into the room with my stuff (my purse, my lunch bag, my potted plant) and took a seat near the door.

The room filled up with people and lo and behold, my male friend is one of the people. He takes a seat in the back of the room, directly in my line of vision. He is glaring at me, so I know he got the email.

I kept squirming and looking out the window, down at the table, etc  I did not want to make eye contact.

The meeting started and it was about some lawsuit we had to research, which was odd because we don't deal with lawsuits. The manager was droning on about the details. I could feel my friend just staring at me. I looked up and he crooked an eyebrow at me. I shook my head. Looked away. I looked at him again and he made his eyes huge and quizzical. I looked down. This went on for awhile. I'd look at him, he'd try to talk to me through his eyes, I'd look away.  I could imagine his thoughts and questions and a huge "What the f*ck?" kept cycling.  He was confused.  Hurt even.

Finally, I couldn't take it any more and jumped up and said I had to go and grabbed my things and left.

I headed to my car but when I got to my car, I couldn't find my car keys. I went back inside to ask security if they had seen my keys and my male friend came out into the lobby, holding them.

He told me I had dropped them in my rush to leave and told me he wasn't letting me leave. I told him I couldn't stay. He said that he needed me there. I told him I didn't belong there. He told me I belonged. I said that I wished what he said was true but it was too late, I had already scheduled my resignation email to go out at 5:00. It was 4:45.

He told me it was never too late - for anyone. I knew he meant more than my resignation. I just stood there looking at him, trying to decide what I wanted to do.

Then, I woke up.

This past week, a male friend did something that showed me that he could walk away from me in a heartbeat, without looking back, without any emotional or sentimental attachment.  It hurt.  A lot.  I realized I have invested a lot of myself in him.  But that's how I am.  When I care about people, I jump in 200%.  I always just assume that everyone else is the same way.

I guess the big thing in this dream is that I want to be wanted.  I want to know that if I left tomorrow that someone would want me to stay, would miss me, would fight for me. (Not just him, but others as well.)

I've been trying to make new friends but one by one, they have not been what I need in life or want in life.  We struggle to make small talk or just don't have enough in common to make it past the first few friendly outings.

This past week, I had a new hire who decided he wanted to be my life coach. 

For whatever reason, he decided that my life is lacking several key ingredients.

The more I insisted that I was fine with things the way they are, the more he wanted to help me.  

Had it been my male friend above, I would have been flattered that he cared so much and knew me so well.  However, this was a virtual stranger, someone I hadn't told much about my life and someone I wasn't entirely sure had my best interests in mind.

First, he started with finding me a husband.  I told him I wasn't looking for anyone.  I told him I wasn't even trying to date anyone right now.  I shared a small snippet of some of my dating horror stories and shared with him that I am just not ready to plunge headfirst into any sort of relationship right now.  (This is the truth -- if getting too close to a male friend is painful, I can't even imagine opening my heart 100% to someone who has the power to rip it to shreds and hand it back to me.)  He (the new hire) didn't believe me.  He said that everyone was looking for someone, even if they say they aren't.  He tossed out all sorts of suggestions which I kept saying no to.  We even got to the point where he was going to pimp me out to men in his native country.  I kept laughing him off and telling him I wasn't interested.  I told him when the time is right, it'll happen.  He argued that if I don't meet people, then there won't be anyone to make it happen with.  I told him I had other things to take care of right now and once I have those things in order, then I'll put myself back out there.  He kept pushing all week with this.  Asking me what I wanted in a man, why I was so cautious, why I didn't take more risks... and I just kept laughing him off.  Changing the subject.  He is recently married and thinks everyone should be married.  I told him I'm not entirely sure marriage is for me.  He did not believe me.  He said I'm just saying this because it's easier than admitting I do want it.

Then, it was a house.  He said I needed to put down roots.  Buy a house.  Make it my home.  Stop renting.  Start investing.  Again, I told him I'm not ready.  Most people have a "dream house" in their heads.  I don't.  I never lived in a house growing up and aside from super expensive beach houses that only lottery winnings could buy me, I haven't put much thought recently into my dream home.  When I was a kid, I would take graph paper and create elaborate floor plans of the dream house.  At one point, I was really into Victorian houses.  Another, I was into cottage style homes.  Modern.  Old-fashioned.  One level.  Multi level.  I change my mind often.  Stucco? Brick? Wood?  Too many decisions.  Too much responsibility.  I explained to him that I like that if an appliance breaks, I call a rental office.  If I own a house and appliance breaks, I have to foot the bill for repairs. I don't have to buy lawn mowers and snow shovels.  I don't have to worry about storm proofing and wiring.  I can leave whenever I want, within reason.  I'm not tied to a mortgage for 30 years in an economy where I might not be able to re-sell the house later.  He was not convinced.  He even went as far as asking me to run my numbers through a mortgage calculator to see how much house I could afford.  With my current income and debt to income ratio, I would only qualify for $100,000.  Now, in some areas, that would buy quite a bit of house and land.  Not here.  Not at all.  I think that was an eye opener for him.  So, his solution is that I need to find someone to marry who has a better DTI and the same or more income so that we can afford twice as much house.  He even suggested that I look outside of Virginia Beach, into some the neighboring "farm like" communities.  I humored him and looked at some houses on the internet Thursday night but nothing jumped out at me.  I tried to explain to him that my credit is shot, my savings are gone and my finances suck right now.  Until I take care of that, I cannot focus on a husband or home.

Then, that opened the door for financial advice.  When we finished with that, he moved on to fitness. Then, spirituality.

By the end of the week, I was absolutely exhausted.  I was happy to see him go.  While amusing and great for lunch-time conversation, he wore me out.  Made me question things.  I'm not ready to question things.  I want some peace.

On Friday, he hit with me the following "riddle" to see what kind of problem solving skills I had and where my priorities lie.

"You are driving a small two seat car.  It's late, dark and rainy.  You drive into the forest and there are three people standing in the middle of the road who need your help.  One is a man/woman who saved your life at one point.  One is a pregnant woman who may be ready to give birth.  One is the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.  Who do you help?"

I asked him if I could come up with an unrealistic solution - like having everyone hold on to the car roof - and he said no.

He gave me 10 minutes to think about it.

My solution:  I'd give the car to the person who saved my life and ask that he/she take the pregnant woman to wherever she needed to go, then I'd stay in the forest with my soul mate and he and I would find our own way out of the woods together.  I figured it would give us some nice alone time plus see how well we cope with situations like that.

He said I was someone who could think outside the box, who was creative and who was a romantic.  I just laughed.

He also said it meant I wanted someone to help me with my problems.

Hmmm......  considering I've already written about that (and he doesn't have access to my blogs), I'd say he's a pretty smart one.  Right on the nose.

His message made it through.

Now, why don't mine to other people in my life?