Body Language

Give me body give me-
Body - body - give me
Your body don't talk
Baby don't talk body
Language

Give me your body just
Give me your body give
Me your body Don't talk

Body language

When I logged onto the internet, my YAHOO home page came up with a story about body language.  I've always been curious about body language.

There was an episode of the NEW GIRL where Jess's best friend CeCe tried to convince her that her roommate Nick had the hots for her because he would direct his feet at her when he talked to her.  The thing is, don't most people direct their feet at you when they are talking to you?  If I'm standing right in front of you, I'm not going to turn my feet outwards (unless I'm about to do a ballet move or something.)

So, I decided to read the article.  The article left me wanting to know more about body language.  I prowled the internet for a variety of articles on the topic.

The most basic things I've learned are that if a person likes you, they will get close to you in some way, shape or form.  If they really like you, they will point some body part in your direction.  If they really really like you, they will touch you or touch something the way they'd like to touch you.

I don't pay attention to body language.  I'm usually way too busy doing other things.  However, after reading the articles, I may have to pay closer attention to how I move and how others around me move.  I might just be missing out on something.

Below are some factoids I've plucked from our vast internet.  Share and enjoy.

• If a smile is genuine, the corners of the eyes crinkle and the apples of the cheeks rise in addition to the corners of the mouth turning up.  If only the mouth turns up, the smile is not genuine.
• Whether you're sitting or standing, if a person's feet are pointed toward you, that's a signal that he/she enjoys your company and wants to stick around. But if his/her feet are angled away from you, odds are he'd/she'd rather be somewhere else.
• If you notice a person's hand balled into a fist with the thumb inside while he's staring down, he's feeling defensive.
• Psychologists believe that people often transfer inner feelings to external objects. So by stroking the stem of a wine glass (for example) a woman is using female body language to say "stroke me". By running her a pen across her lips she is saying "kiss me".
• Glancing sideways could show romantic interest.
• Glancing for a prolonged period of time could indicate sexual attraction.
• Gazing at you up and down could indicate an interest in you. Or your body. Or both.
• Avoiding your gaze could indicate trickery, lying, deceptive behavior or discomfort with the subject.
• When you become interested in someone, you will keep a smaller private distance between you and him compared to the distance you would leave otherwise while being with others. You will also notice that people who are interested in you will stand closer to you than to other people. 
• The closer they are, the warmer they are thinking of you. The farther away that someone is, the less they actually care of the situation or person. If you move slightly closer to them, do they move slightly further away? That means they don't want your interaction to be any more personal than it already is. If they don't move further away, then they are receptive. And if they respond by getting even closer to you, they probably really like you or are very comfortable around/by you.
• Cocked heads mean that they are confused or challenging you, depending on eye, eyebrow, and mouth gestures. Think of how a dog slightly cocks its head when you make a funny noise.
• Mirroring is another common gesture. If someone mirrors, or mimics your appearance, this is a very genuine sign that they are interested in you and trying to establish rapport with you. Try changing your body position here and there. If you find that they change theirs similarly, they are mirroring.
• If your date's palms are open it usually indicates that they are very comfortable and relaxed around you.
• When someone has dilated pupils it means that they are engaged and interested in what you are saying. It is often said that the eyes are the window to the soul. (Um, what if only ONE pupil is dilated???)
• The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period if they are interested in you.
• There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing spectacles and brushing clothes.
• Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.
• Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.
• Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for example rolling and stroking them.
• Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this). 
• Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone. Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.
• This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the woman and her child.
• Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again showing particular interest in them.
• A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.
• When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they like us back, they raise their eyebrows. The whole thing lasts about a fifth of a second and it happens everywhere in the world -- to everyone regardless of age, race, or class. 
• Lifting our brows pulls the eyes open and allows more light to reflect off the surface, making them look bright, large and inviting. A flash might be easy to miss but they're so reliable, if you do spot one, you may know someone likes you before they've even registered it themselves. Deliberately extend it for up to one second and you've drastically upped the chances of him getting the message you're interested.
• Standing with hands on hips accentuates his physical size and suggests body confidence. It's also a pointing gesture. We point with our hands at our own best sexual assets and also at the parts of our body where we'd most like to be touched. If he spends the night with his hands on his hips, fingers splayed and pointing downward, he's willing you to look, touch and admire the part he's proudest of. All subconscious, of course. Well, it is in most cases...
• If he's interested, he'll stroke his cheek up and down with the back of his fingers, touch his ears, or rub his chin. It's a combination of nervous excitement, preening and autoerotic touching. When we're attracted to someone, our skin (most noticeably our lips and mouth) become increasingly sensitive to touch and other stimulation. If you smoke, you'll take more drags on your cigarette. If you're drinking, you'll take more sips. You start touching your own mouth more because your lips are ultra sensitive and it feels good. Plus, it plants the idea in the other person's mind that it could be a good idea to kiss you.

Yeah.  I definitely need to pay more attention to people around me.

I'm smiling with my entire face as I write this.  My body is open and my arms are not crossed.  My feet are pointing in your direction.  I've tilted my head to one side and my pupils are dilated.  I'm stroking my arms and fiddling with the very long stem of a wine glass.  Up and down. Up and down.  I'm biting my lip and playing with my hair. 

Pretty Woman

Pretty woman, don't walk on by
Pretty woman, don't make me cry
Pretty woman, don't walk away, hey, okay

If that's the way it must be, okay
I guess I'll go on home, it's late
There'll be tomorrow night, but wait

What do I see
Is she walking back to me
Yeah, she's walking back to me

Oh, oh, pretty woman

The movie Pretty Woman was on television last night.  He's Just Not That Into You was on television last night.  And a bunch of documentaries about sex were on television last night.  I kept flipping back and forth between the three channels.  Nevermind I've seen Pretty Woman 50+ times and nevermind that I own the DVD of He's Just Not That Into You.

I learned that scientists are amazed that women can "think" themselves into an orgasm.  I don't know why this was so amazing to them.  Haven't they ever heard of fantasizing?  As I watched the shows, I kept asking myself, "Who are the people who actually volunteer to have sex in an MRI machine so that images can be captured of the sex act?"  Then, I thought to myself, "Probably the same people who are willing to sell plasma for money." (Like me.  Soon.  As soon as I feel healthy.)

Pretty Woman is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I saw it when I was in college with my friends Rodney and Janelle.  It became "our" movie until Rodney and I annoyed Janelle so much with our quoting of the lines that she refused to watch it with us anymore.  Then, it became Rodney and my movie. (I almost typed "my's".  Ack, what's next?  Mines???)  I owned it on VHS and whenever we were bored, we'd just grab the movie and watch it.  We would quote the lines beginning to end.  We even knew what songs were gonna play when and could point out editing mistakes. (Like the fact that Vivian takes a bite out of a pancake, then the camera pans to Edward and then back to Vivian and she is taking the same bite out of the same pancake again, instead of a second bite out of the pancake.)  Every now and then, we'd stop and look at each other and say, "Who does it work out for?" and then say in unison, "Cinderfuckingrella."  We cracked each other up.  No one will watch the movie with us anymore.  We've ruined it for everyone.  I keep hoping to find someone just as dorky locally who will sit and tear it apart with me, but, alas, I think this is just not going to happen.

It's still "our" movie and every time it is on, we feel the need to alert each other.  It was on a couple of Fridays ago and we adorkably texted each other lines from the movie across thousands of miles until my cell phone battery died.  It was like watching the movie together.

There's this one scene in the movie that always chokes me up.  Vivian and Edward are lying in bed, facing each other and talking.  Edward tells Vivian that she is a bright, very special woman.  She says that if people put you down enough, you start to believe it.  "The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"

The moral of the story is that hookers are hookers because someone made them feel badly about themselves at a poignant time in their lives and therefore they have low self esteem and believe that they can't amount to anything except hooking.  Until a rich, attractive emotionally unavailable business man comes trolling for directions and ends up with the love of his life.   She wants to be rescued but she also wants to rescue him, too.  The ending line of the movie:  "She rescues him right back."

Over the years, depending on what kind of mood I'm in when I watch the movie, I flip flop from feeling all warm and fuzzy  (Who wouldn't want some attractive wealthy man to save them from themselves? They were destined to meet and help each other.  She makes him less stuffy.  He helps her be more refined. He enjoys life.  She enjoys him.  Ah, ain't love grand?) to cynical. (She'd never last in his world.  She'll always feel uncomfortable, no matter how many designer dresses she has in her closet.  He'll eventually grow to resent that she is not of his caliber and breeding and will cheat on her with someone more his class.  She'll take to drinking, drugs and whoring.  They'll break up, but because of an air-tight pre-nup, she'll get nothing and be back at Carlos' door begging him to let her do BJs in the back alley.)

Last night, I was in the cynical mood.  So, that's why I kept flipping to He's Just Not That Into You.  I'm so "GiGi" in that movie.  But, the cynical mood carried over to that movie as well and I got mad at GiGi for making a complete fool out of herself with her male friend Alex, misled by her friends assuring her that he wanted more than friendship.  I wished I could send GiGi and Vivian shopping.  I think that's why I eventually ended up watching the sex documentaries.  That's basic.  No romance there.  In and out, In and out.  Ooh. Aaah.  Take a shower.  (OK, so I'm still in the somewhat cynical mood. I blame PMS and not winning the Powerball.)

Back to the self-esteem thing.

Last week, when I was home from work, sick and mopey, lying on the couch watching every talk show known to man, I watched a Dr. Oz show about morbidly obese women. There was a psychologist who made a sweeping statement that all morbidly obese women are that way because at some point in their life, someone said to them in word or in action that they were worthless, and they believed it and "gave up on themselves".  He went down the line, getting in each woman's face, asking her "Who made you this way?"  It was a tough love bullying technique and each woman started crying at some point, even the ones who swore "no one" made them feel worthless.

So, not only does self esteem make people turn to hooking, it also makes you fat.  So, why aren't there more fat hookers?  Hell, if that's the case, why didn't I turn to a life of fat hooking?

Now, someone did tell me I was worthless when I was younger, in both word and action.  I'm sure it made a major impact on my psyche.  However, I was chubby as a child.  I started to get chubby around 4th grade and kept right on going.  It wasn't until after I started to get fat that my dad started to insinuate I was worthless.  My parents didn't force feed me fast food.  In fact, my mother prepared a home-cooked meal every night.  Now, they weren't always super healthy home-made meals.  We ate a lot of starchy foods and comfort foods.  But, who knew?  I was very active as a kid.  I was always outside playing, riding my bike, doing all kinds of stuff.  I should have been as thin as my beanpole brother was, but I wasn't. He ate the same foods.  He did the same activities.  I got round.  He got tall and thin.  Bastard.

The whole TV show made me mad.  For the most part, I think I have a fairly decent self esteem.  I don't try to use my weight as an excuse for not doing things unless it is truly a hindrance (like riding amusement park rides or fitting into one airplane seat).  I get down on myself every now and then. I like to blame my weight for the lack of true love in my life. (That's easier than accepting that maybe my personality needs tweaking.)  I'm not entirely in love with myself at the moment, but I'm working on it.  

However, do I feel that I'm keeping myself fat because of some bad stuff from 30 years or so ago?  No.  I've made my peace in my head with my dad.  He was raised in an abusive household and is not a touchy-feely kind of man.  I was daddy's little girl when I was a little girl.  However, I grew up and when I grew up, things changed.  He treated me differently.  He had different expectations for me.  He felt I should get married and have kids.  I wanted to go to college.  He would make fun of me to try to motivate me to lose weight, but I'd dig my heels in and refuse to give in to him and wanted to prove that I could be a success despite being overweight.  I've been through therapy.  I understand that I can't change the past or him.  My way of controlling the situation is to not put myself into direct contact with him any more than I have to.  I don't go home often.  I don't give him the power to hurt me.

I am the reason why I am overweight.  I get in my own way.  I pick and choose the voices in my head I want to listen to.  I choose what foods I eat.  I choose the amount of exercise I do.  I wish one of those women would have had the balls to look that doctor in the eye and tell him to F off because blaming other people doesn't make anything go away.  It doesn't make it any easier to be overweight or try to not be overweight anymore.

I read an article in Cosmo this morning about "faking it until you make it."

I am on this self improvement journey and I've been telling everyone loud and clear that I'm going to be fierce.  What that exactly means, I'm not sure.  I do know it means not making excuses anymore.  Not allowing my perception of myself or anyone else's perception of myself stand in the way of my success. It means that men will look at me and not past me. Women will not dismiss me as less than them. The article suggests that we stop focusing on "when" and start acting right now the way we want others to see us.  Instead of saying, "I am going to be ....." (insert whatever positive word you can think of), we need to be overconfident right now.  Not cocky.  Not arrogant.   Just "it". 

So, instead of telling everyone how fierce I'm going to be, I should already have the thought in my mind that I am fierce.  I am sexy.  I am worthy of love.  Not "going to be".  Not "will be".  I AM.  I AM. I AM.

I am my own rescuer.

I am the pretty woman.

I am fierce.

Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, i get insecure
From all the pain, i'm so ashamed

But I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down,
Oh no, so don't you bring me down today

Runaround

But I want more than a touch I want you to reach me
And show me all the things no one else can see
So what you feel becomes mine as well
And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine the fishing's fine
And it doesn't have to rhyme so don't you feed me a line

But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down

I know I've mentioned before that I do not do "subtle" well.   I have had female friends tell me in the past "Oooooh, he's so into you.  The signs are all over the place."  I always had to ask them what they meant. Then, they'd list all of these things that some guy allegedly did while in my glowing presence that was a sure-fire bet that he was into me.

Then, I saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" (one of my favorites) and all bets were off because the whole premise of that movie is that all of those bad advice things that our sisters, mothers and girlfriends tell us about men are totally off-base with men and that men are very straightforward.  Most men just want sex.  No commitment. No glitter.  No unicorns.  I have to say, with the men I've met in the past decade or so, that seems to be pretty accurate.  Of course, if you've seen the movie, though, you know that it's a chick flick and no good chick flick ends with the concept that men don't want romance and love.  In the event you haven't seen it, I'm not going to spoil the end. 

I honestly do not possess the feminine gene that can decipher those things that men do that tell me he's into me.  Touching? Flirting? Words? Body Language?  I've studied it all.  I can usually tell (after the fact) when a guy WASN'T into me (see previous blogs about that) but short of the guy looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "Yo, I like you as a girl", I miss it all.  Maybe because there's still a weird "New Girl" part of me that just doesn't think guys will ever dig me as more than a buddy or friend.  But, as I become fiercer, I hope to overcome that.  I don't think I'm going to let any more men enter my life as just a friend unless they are married or gay.  All men, going forward, will have a target on them and I will eliminate them as the future love monkey before I categorize them as friend. I may even go back and re-evaluate all of the current men in my life too.  What the hell, right?  That's what being fierce is about.  Take no prisoners. I will take Cosmo and Glamour's advice and refrain from over the top humor, using curse words and discussing things like politics and religion. Until they know me better.

I digress.  The song "run-around" by The Blues Traveler was on the radio today when I was running some errands.  It was my song, my personal theme song in the mid 90s.  In fact, when the movie of my life is made, when the movie gets to my "online dating" phase, this will be the song that plays in the background.  Every time I met a guy who built me up and let me down, this was my go-to song.  It didn't help that the radio played it at least 15 times a day.  I still have all of the words memorized.  I totally rocked it, in between bursts of coughing, all the way from First Colonial Road to Lynnhaven Parkway (on Virginia Beach Blvd.)  If you don't live here, this means nothing to you.  It's a good 5-8 minute stretch of traffic.  A guy beside me, in a tan truck, looked over and gave me a look.  I just smiled and kept on singing.  Especially when I got to the part above.  I don't know why, but that part of the song always stuck with me. When you really listen to the words, it's about being hopeful for a relationship that seems to be going nowhere.  A true romantic wrote the song.   "I want you to reach me."

I always felt/feel that sometimes people (and by people, I mean men) don't know how to "reach" me.  Get me.  Get to me.  They stop at the surface.  Now, I'm not at all professing to be some deep pool that they need to put on SCUBA gear and dive into.  It's just sometimes they make the assumption that what they see is all I am.  No one ever really tries harder to get to know me and I often have to be the one to toss out things from inside my brain and inside my heart to try to lure them in and show them that there's "more".  I am eagerly awaiting that one guy who can "reach" me. Who can read between the lines.  Understand me.  Understand my heart.  And like it.

Maybe I'm getting a little melancholy.  Valentine's Day is coming and I'm trying to see it as just another day.  I love love and romance and it's a shame that it's wasted on people who don't give a damn, and who let their flowers die and who don't eat chocolate.  (Damn, now I want some chocolate.)  

Oh, sure the banner may be torn and the wind's gotten colder
Perhaps I've grown a little cynical
But I know no matter what the waitress brings
I shall drink in and always be full
Yeah, I will drink in and always be full

Oh, I like coffee and I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
I still got this dream that you just can't shake
I love you to the point you can no longer take
Well all right okay, so be that way
I hope and pray that there's something left to say

I am not apologetic for what I want.

I am not going to get cynical.

I'm not going to let life give me the run-around, even if men do. Sometimes.

And I'll lie too and say I don't mind
And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully

Opposites Attract

I take--2 steps forward
I take--2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract
And you know--it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
Cuz opposites attract 

I was talking to a friend last night about horoscopes and astrology.  I read my horoscope every day.  I "subscribe" to a couple on Facebook.  It's funny how they are never the same.  One usually focuses on work stuff and the other romance stuff.  One seems to focus A LOT on romance stuff and according to it, men find me mesmerizing, magnetizing, and are on the brink of confessing undying love for me. 

She takes that kind of stuff kind of seriously, especially sign compatibility.  I told her that I had read once that since I'm a water sign, I was best suited for another water sign -- like Cancer or Pisces -- and am always hoping to meet men who fall under those signs.  It hasn't happened.  She told me that I was mistaken and that my sign, Scorpio, is actually better suited to an "opposite" sign.  So, I did some research tonight after happy hour and searched for "signs opposite Scorpio" and "compatibility".

I've mentioned before that mostly everything I've ever read about my sign is fairly true and eerily accurate.  I say "most".  Some of it doesn't sit with me.  Maybe because I like to recreate myself every now and then -- or have had things happen to make me be less.. reserved...  and I don't really consider myself a jealous sort.  I get envious on occasion.  But, the only times I've ever truly felt jealousy about another person has been when my confidence levels are low.  I'm more apt to walk away or dig my heels in and fight.  I've had guys try to "make me jealous" in the past by flirting with other women in front of me and my take was usually, "You're an ass to want her when you could have me." and I moved on.  I don't try to make men jealous.  What's the point?  Jealousy is rooted in low self esteem.  I try not to think too much about comparing myself to someone else.

My opposite sign is Taurus.  This makes me giggle because my male co-worker and friend is a Taurus.  Maybe this is why I enjoy picking at him so much and am constantly trying to figure out his brain.

So, here's what I've eked out of the internet about Taurus and Scorpio.  I'm taking it with a grain of salt.  I'm pretty sure I dated a Taurus once and we did not click and my mom is a Taurus and she and I do not get along very well.  I have not edited these paragraphs in any way except to highlight (underline) the traits I believe are true of me. I am not making any commentary on my observations of my current friendships with Taurus folks. This is just for educational purposes.  Entertainment purposes.  I am not rushing out and gathering up all of the Tauruses (or is that Tauri?) I can find to test these theories.

From http://astrobix.com/friendship/friendcompat/taurus/scorpio

A friendship between a Taurus and a Scorpio involves a relationship between two signs that lie opposite each other in the Zodiac. Star signs with polarity such as these complement each other well. They feel a strong attraction to each other, resulting in a stimulating combination. Taurus and Scorpio are similar to each other in a lot of ways. But their strong individualities could make them swing to and fro between friendship and contention.

Taurus and Scorpio love to collaborate with each other to make their mark in life; Taurus always after wealth, and Scorpio always after power. Both partners are focused on worldly possessions and social positions, but they enjoy other aspects of life, as well. They balance each other well, as Taurus are completely focused on self, while Scorpio are all about family and friends. Taurus are more open and honest, while Scorpio are more subtle and mysterious. Both partners should control their differences, and then they could learn from each other.

The ruling planet of Taurus is Venus, and the ruling planets of Scorpio are Mars and Pluto. Mars and Venus go well together. Their combination represents a good balance of masculine and feminine energy, and Pluto’s influence makes it more dynamic and intense. A combination between Taurus and Scorpio arises from the very base of human instincts: Venus’ love and Mars’ passion. Taurus love the intensity of Scorpio, and Scorpio love the dedication of Taurus.

Taurus is an earth sign, and Scorpio is a water sign. Scorpio are capable of strong and deep feelings. Continual suppression of emotions by Scorpio could result in violent powerful outbursts of uncontrolled passion. The bull and the scorpion express a strong fidelity to each other, a trait springing from their need for emotional security. The bull is more frank and honest and lay bare its feelings openly, but the scorpion is more reserved and reticent. Scorpio could teach Taurus how to look beyond the surface and in depth into things, while Taurus could teach Scorpio to be more frank and direct. Scorpio love Taurus logical mind; and Taurus love Scorpio jealous nature, it makes them feel they are wanted.

Taurus and Scorpio are fixed signs. Once they have established their aims and objectives, they would stop at nothing to attain them. However, any disagreements could lead to violent outbursts. It might appear that Taurus dominate the partnership, but appearances can be deceptive. Even though, Scorpio give in for the moment, they exact their revenge sooner or later through emotional control. Taurus and Scorpio should always communicate to each other and keep things at a balance. Once they trust each other, their combined resolute nature could help them go to great lengths. But their friendship could be seriously affected if both friends refuse to relax their stubborn nature.

The most notable aspect of a friendship between a Taurus and a Scorpio is the sheer strength of their combined efforts once they have agreed on their aims and objectives. Once they have settled down and are comfortable with each other, their joint resolution makes them a very formidable team. 

 

Taurus and Scorpio, here's a combination that can be successful!

From http://www.ask-oracle.com/sign-compatibility/taurus-man-scorpio-woman/

The Taurus and Scorpio are opposite zodiac signs which attract each other very often. The interesting thing about opposite astrological signs is that they do share a common theme, helping them to see eye-to-eye from time to time. Both of them are attracted to the other’s strong personality and willingness to commit in the relationship.

The epitome of the strength, a Taurus man is very calm and collected human, who knows how to put all of his time and efforts and channelize them into one direction to produce incredible results. The majority of the time his emotions are predictable and moderate. The exception to this is when he has been pushed to the very edge of his limits, when he displays a surprisingly frightening temper or stubbornness. He always prefers his lady love to be feminine through and through, holding tightly onto traditional gender roles. Allowing him to take the lead makes him happier in the relationship. 

The Scorpio woman has a glorious womanhood that comes off as sweet-natured, perhaps a bit quiet, and very intelligent, but there is much more going on under the surface. She is a truly complicated woman, and one of the most difficult types to understand. A mastermind of understanding the emotions and motivations of others, she is not readily willing to give up her own. It takes a special type of man to make her feel as though she can sincerely trust him. But during her courtship with the right person she is strongly loyal and fine woman with all qualities of head and heart. 

Since Taurus and Scorpio are opposite signs of the zodiac, so it is inevitable that they both are magnetically drawn towards one another, especially the Taurus man feels dipping into the mysterious beauty of his Scorpio female. She has a taste and standard that he appreciates highly with such grace that is adorable to the depth of heart. She makes a very encouraging mate, who always admires the courage and ambitious nature of her Taurus male and even helps him to achieve his goals in all the possible ways. She is very loyal and dependable companion and so much more magnetic to get away. But this woman has got a strong desire to be the dominant one in the relationship; moreover she can actually be cruel if not handled with affection. For a Taurus man to have a Scorpio woman needs a lot of patience so that she can take her own time to surrender and also display of love and loyalty to keep her calm and intact. 

As the Scorpio woman falls for the Taurus man, the result is powerful and soul-transforming. Both of them are seriously driven and can become obsessive about their love and relationship. He lovingly nurtures her and gives her a lot of care and devotion. He is always there beside her to protect and love her in all the ups and downs of life. He admires the intellect of his Scorpio woman and always supports her in career and also other aspects of life. But with him, she needs to remember that he is the man and she is the woman. In addition to this, they both have a tendency to get jealous and possessive of their lovers. However, his emotions are relatively simple while Scorpio woman’s is undeniably complex. When a fight flares up, he initially shows an impressive amount of patience with her, but has a difficult time understanding exactly what is going on inside of her.

When such a romantic and passionate couple falls for a stronger bond beyond love, which is actually unconditional and completely gratifying love, their togetherness becomes warmer and smoother. The Taurus man brings some rich humor to his Scorpio woman’s life making her eyes brighter and she brings heartwarming passion which makes him more lively and romantic. Their devotion towards each other lasts for a lifetime with the gift of some extra dimensions and colors of beautiful emotions and lighter and lively shades of romance. The flowers of their intense loyalty and empathy give greater rewards throughout their life and keep their promises burning high under their unwavering satisfaction. 

Taurus man and Scorpio woman makes a passionate and emotional sexual pairing. For both of them sexual expression is no less than an act of worship to strengthen their relationship. When the Taurus man and Scorpio woman takes their first roll of love making together, there is no doubt regarding the most explosive fireworks bursting above the bed with a blend of eroticism and passion. She is closely associated with sex, and bestows the qualities of passion and mystery in their sexual union while he offers romance and sensuality to their oneness. To him, lovemaking is primarily earthy and physical, but to her it is spiritual and metaphysical. He wants to possess her as his lover, while she wants to possess his soul and get to extreme level of unison. As they both melt away in each others’, they make a very fulfilling love which enhances the passion of their relationship and strengthens their bond. The only problem which comes is that at times she may find him less passionate as she feels love to a greater depth but certainly he is a great provider for her.

The passionate paring of Taurus man and Scorpio woman has to face some unavoidable differences which can create a big problem in a long run. He likes to be the one in power within a relationship, but she is the one who is essentially the cleverer and more capable of getting things to go her way. This urge of being the dominant one in the relationship can lead to arguments and disagreements. If he does not sets off her temper by making her feel as though she is beneath him in any way, then she can simply satisfy his needs by allowing him to believe he is having his way while quietly exerting her influence from behind the scenes. She can also sometimes thrive off of drama, and he absolutely despises it, but if he is able to grow to understand her hidden emotions and have patience with her, she even learns to keep the peace for his sake. If they are able to overcome these obstacles, their committed personalities are likely find a lasting partner in one another.

--------------------------------------

Sounds good in theory.... but... 

Maybe the stars will shine down some day.

Revised 2/11/2012 to include compatibility information with other signs.  I'm an equal opportunity star gazer.

From http://www.compatiblesigns.net/scorpio-compatible-signs/
 

Scorpio-Aries share several qualities, the most critical being a sense of independence and a distaste for being controlled. Needless to say, this will eventually bring about instability and a long-term relationship is highly unlikely.

Stubborness and possessiveness are obstacles for a successful Scorpio-Taurus match. Taurus tries to possess physically, while Scorpio attempts to emotionally control. A match will work only with massive amounts of tolerance, compromise and patience.

Scorpio’s desire for privacy and purpose clashes with Gemini‘s inclination to be social. Scorpio likes to focus on self-improvement, while Gemini tries to live a full, active life. A relationship is possible, but probably too much to deal with.

Quiet-spoken Cancer will no doubt be attracted by Scorpio’s take-charge nature. Scorpio’s compatible signs in the area of being the provider will also mesh nicely with Cancer’s neediness. This may be Scorpio’s best match for a long-term relationship, perhaps even marriage.

Scorpio’s sometimes short fuse is in direct conflict with Leo‘s casual nature, and both possess strong wills, and like to be in control. This may foreshadow difficult times ahead. At best, harmonious odds are 50-50.

Scorpio-Virgo have many similarities, but their differences will probably supercede any long-term success. Virgo’s sometimes argumentative trait will not sit well with the always strongly opinionated Scorpio.

Libra‘s carelessness will not blend well with one of Scorpio’s compatibility signs, difficulty forgiving. However, if Scorpio can dominate and Libra is accepting, harmony is possible.

A Scorpio-Scorpio relationship, at least a romantic one, is not recommended. Possessiveness is a Scorpio quality, and possession of one heart by two people doesn’t work. Avoid this scenario if at all possible.

Always ready to see what’s happening around the next bend, Sagittarius offends Scorpio’s sense of permanence. Sagittarius has many varied interests and their focus on them may offend Scorpio. A one-night affair at best.

Scorpio’s inventiveness will appeal greatly to Capricorn, and the patience of Capricorn will be needed. The combination of Capricorn’s organizational skills and Scorpio’s shrewdness is a match. This might be the best match overall for Scorpio.

Aquarius-Scorpio is a study in contrast, with Aquarius’ love of freedom and Scorpio’s stay-at-home nature possibly creating problems. Not a good combination.

If Capricorn doesn’t work out, perhaps Pisces will for Scorpio. The dependency Pisces seeks is right up Scorpio’s alley, and a relationship in any form will probably work, even marriage.

How Deep Is Your Love?

How deep is your love, how deep is your love
I really mean to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour
You're my savior when I fall

And you may not think, I care for you
When you know down inside that I really do
And it's me you need to show
How deep is your love

I decided to do some radio station surfing on my way to work this morning.  Just pressing "Scan" listening to snippets of songs.  I get like that sometimes.  Need to find something different.  Spice it up a little.  

How Deep Is Your Love? by the Bee Gees was playing on one of the "light rock" stations.  It made me smile.  I had a Bee Gees album when I was a kid and played it over and over and over.  I think my mom may have accidentally on purpose misplaced it at one point.  I had a major crush on Andy Gibb.

I love music from the 70s.  All kinds of music from the 70s.  When men were men... and they were not afraid to show their shiny medallioned hairy chests to prove it, even if they were wearing polyester pants so tight that you could see the size and shape of their package and even if they were singing love songs in falsetto tones while they did it.

I have several compilation CDs full of 70s music.  ABBA, Bee Gees, Doobie Brothers, The Eagles, Steely Dan, Olivia Newton John... Leo Sayer.  So many favorite songs.  And you know what, I'm not ashamed.  I will lie in bed and just sing along.  "Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance."  You know you remember when they did that song on the Muppets.

I've been known to drive around in the summer blasting some of that great 70s stuff.  Creedance Clearwater Revival.  Little River Band. Poco. Village People. Commodores. Chicago. Come on, you know you've turned up the volume on "Lady" and sang your heart out.

So lady
Let me take a look at you now
You're there on the dance floor
Making me want you somehow
Oh lady
I think it's only fair
I should say to you
Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you
'Cause maybe I do

Admit it, you want to rush to YouTube right now and listen to the song.

I don't have very many friends who admit to liking 70s music.  Maybe Janelle.  Yeah, I called you out. :)  I think she could probably take me on in a battle of the 70s music songs.

Yeah, no point to this blog.  Just felt like taking a walk down memory lane.

I think I'm going to go indulge in a little Afternoon Delight.  The song.   Not the act.

I Touch Myself

I love myself I want you to love me
When I feel down I want you above me
I search myself I want you to find me
I forget myself I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Ooh I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I've been reading magazines again.  This time, it's GLAMOUR.  The cover states "The GUYS & SEX Issue" and then has a tagline that states "Men, Men, Men - What 1,000 of Them Secretly Want From Women Now."

Below that, there's a smaller tag that states: "OMG! The Sex Thing 31% of Guys Do at Work."  (I was hoping it was ogle chubby girls and doodle their names on their notepads... but I was not even close on that guess.)

I had to buy the magazine.  I was holding up the line trying to read it while in the store.

It's no secret that I hope to date again soon.  I mean - hello - weight loss program, gym membership...  I even bought some shampoo that allegedly stops thinning hair and some toothpaste that allegedly whitens teeth.  I bought some eye shadow that proclaims lasts "24 hours" just in case I need my eyes to look colorful for that long. (You know, in case I go home with someone and wake up with someone... nudge nudge, wink wink.)  I checked out Spanx but they were too expensive and looked too uncomfortable.  I've worn shapewear before.  Not fun.  Besides, how do you explain to some guy you pick up in a bar why you were two sizes smaller before you took off your clothing?  No amount of pitch blackness and/or soft candlelight can disguise that sudden change in appearance.

I digress.  The wanting to date means I need to brush up on men. The magazine might be a good start.

I had to find out the 31% statistic.  It's masturbate at work.  Really.  310 men admitted to GLAMOUR that the give the ole knob a shine while at work.  (I've been telling people 38%.  Sorry for the misinformation.)  Ever since I've read that statistic, I've been looking at my male co-workers differently.  I've also been looking at all of the dark corners at work differently.  Where would a man go to do such a thing?  Why would a man do such a thing at work?  I'm sure there's more to the story that the number.  Like -- an illicit affair with someone at work that left him all hot and bothered... or needing to let of some stress...  or a crush on a chubby co-worker... (ha, just making sure you were still reading.)  This statistic indicates that 1/3 of those surveyed have touched themselves intimately at work.  1/3.  There are approximately 300 people (men and women) in my building.  There's a good chance that I've passed by someone in the hall who has spent a few extra minutes in the bathroom stall.  That unnerves and kind of excites me.  I enjoy the risk factor.

Back to the article -- 

• 52% of the men stated that the first thing they notice when a woman gets naked is her breasts. (I'd think it was "holy shit, she's naked!)
• 33% said that when they get naked in front of a woman, they are most self-conscious about their stomach. (I'd think it was what dangled below the stomach.)
• 85% said that a woman who texts right back is efficient. 15% said desperate. (some men are weird about texting.  I really expected this to be a different set of numbers.)
• 55% of the men polled said they've told a woman they cared for her more than they did to get her into bed. (Shocker, right?)
• 63% said they've measured their penis size. (I expected more.  Don't guys just know that?  Like shoe size?)
• 38% of the men said they think about sex more than food, work, money or their appearance in a single day. (it's all about priorities.)
• Of that 38%, 39% said they thought about having sex with their girlfriend or wife (or both?)
• 42% said that when they marry, they'd insist that their wives take their last name. (Insist? Hmmmmm)
• 74% said they'd elect a woman as President.
• 39% said that if they had only one sexual position to use for the rest of their lives, they'd pick woman on top. (sure they would.  it puts those breasts right at eye level.... and makes her do the work.)
• 84% would break up with someone if their friends didn't like her.
• 36% admitted to "manscaping". (hmmm.... which hairy part do they 'scape?)
• 68% said they are looking for a committed relationship. (yoo hoo... I'm free...)
• 46% said that the biggest thing holding them back from settling down is the amount of money they are making. (yoo hooo, I don't care unless it's nothing...)
• 48% said they'd like to know what a female orgasm felt like. (funny, their partners said the same thing.)
• 32% said that if they discovered a female had a tattoo, they'd hope it would be in her hip/bikini area. (good to know.  I was going to get mine(s) on my breast.)

Not nearly as enlightening as the COSMO I read last month, but some interesting numbers for when that conversation lulls.

Or for when a male co-worker disappears for a rather long period of time and comes back looking a little flushed.  Drop the statistic.  See how he reacts.

Everything You Want

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say 

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
 

One of my favorite new shows this television season is NEW GIRL.  It's on FOX on Tuesday nights.  It's a comedy about a quirky dorky girl named Jess who is a school teacher and who gets dumped by her long-term boyfriend and then moves in with three men she met on craigslist.  She has this shiny, happy people vibe to her - always trying to see the best in people and trying to put a smile on everyone's face.  She doesn't always have her stuff together and things sometimes go a little crazy but her intentions are for the best.  She is a romantic in a world of cynics.  She rocks a mean polka dot and plays with glitter.  There's a "Jess" inside of me some place that surfaces every now and then.  Although, I do have more common sense and world-awareness that she lacks.

The three men are very unique in their own ways.

Nick is the scruffy "everyman".  He is college educated but not using his education.  He acts tough but has a good heart.  He watches out for Jess but likes to come off surly and prickly.  He acts like he doesn't need anyone or anything but you can sense that Jess brings out something in him that draws him to her.  He is protective of her and possibly even interested in her, eventhough he won't admit it.  He enjoys being the curmudgeon, the hold-back, the "voice of reality" whenever a plan is being hatched.  He is the father figure, man of the household.  He fixes things.  He seems like the guy you could call at 3:00 a.m. to bail you out and he would, but he'd also lecture you about it the entire drive home and then maybe take you out for breakfast the next day to smooth things over.  Nick is great.  Is he the perfect man?  Hmmm...  Maybe for someone who is extremely patient and who is okay with the constant up and down of his personality.  Nick is a searcher.  He isn't exactly sure who is he and who/what completes him.

Schmidt is the pretty boy "metrosexual".  Formerly fat, overlooked by his mom.  He's the guy girls can hang with because he's on top of fashion and style issues.  He's the guy guys hang out with because the girls will flock to him.  He is glossy and high maintenance.  He has OCD tendencies. He loves to cook.  He likes things a certain way.  He places value on brands and labels.  He has to have some sort of attention, even if it is negative attention.  He really likes himself.  Is Schmidt the perfect man?  Hmmm... maybe for another man.  Schmidt has a sense of insecurity about him which probably comes from being fat and unloved as a child.  He is constantly striving to prove that he is good enough.  He places values on things and those things give him comfort.  He sees his things as a sign of success. Schmidt would be great to go shopping with, watch a chick flick with, and/or taking a cooking class with.  He'd also be great if you needed help organizing your closet.  

Winston is the "misunderstood jock".  He was a pro basketball player for a foreign country who once had game and got game, but when the fame went poof, his game went poof.  He's unemployed and basically relying on his friends to support him.  His character hasn't been fully developed yet.  He wants to be part of the gang, but also seems to want to do his own thing.  He doesn't fully commit to any one theory, mostly watching from the sidelines.  He's looking for his new path in life.  Winston has too many open endings to be another's perfect man right now.  He's evolving.  He's looking for direction.  Winston is great as a "tagalong" and probably has a lot of free time.  He seems open to just about anything, though.

I think the writers purposely created three totally separate men who all possess the "total package" if you were to mesh them into one man. 

I'd like to meet the guy who had Nick's fierce loyalty, Mr. Fix It qualities, good heart and humbleness; Schmidt's fashion sense, cooking skills and cleanliness; and Winston's athletic abilities, and "open to anything" attitude.

These guys are perfect for Jess who is evolving herself, trying to figure out what she wants and who she wants.

Of the three, I think Nick would probably be the one who would balance her... and vice versa.  Nick could use some whimsy -- some glitter and unicorns.  Jess could use the voice of reason and grounding.  Schmidt would be easily distracted by the glitter and his pretty reflection in it.  Winston would be reminded of the shiny trophies of his past and get frustrated.

Will the writers go this route?  I hope not.  I like the mystery of the "What If"? 

We all know what happens to television shows where the writers finally hook up the male and female characters who had great chemistry until they hooked up...  those shows get cancelled.

In my own life, I tend to gravitate towards the Schmidts because they are safe and the Nicks because they appeal to my heart.  The Schmidts entertain me for awhile and then move onto someone else, usually a male someone else.  I'm bummed for awhile, but usually end up with a good friend for life who can give me advice on men, shopping, etc.  The Nicks -- the Nicks touch my soul -- and those are the ones I have a hard time letting go of.  I always see that person beneath the gruff exterior and hope that if I'm patient enough, the real person will evolve and I'll be lucky enough to be there with open arms when he does evolve.  Sadly, I'm usually there, but only as the friend who gets to wish him luck as he takes his newfound confidence to someone else.  I haven't had any Winstons in my life, but now that I'm going to the gym, there's a chance. :)

I enjoy the fantasy, though, where the Jesses and Nicks of the world do work out. 

Department Store Romance

Late night, come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares

When I first moved to Columbus, I got a job working at a housewares store at the local mall.

I met a lot of interesting individuals while working there.

The holidays could be a bit trying, especially Christmas.

However, Valentine's Day is a different matter.  Not many people rush to a housewares store for a Valentine's Day gift.  At least, not many people who don't want to sleep on the couch.  (Me, I wouldn't mind.  I love a good set of cookware or some OXO utensils.)

One year, this young man came into the store and said that he was planning a scavenger hunt for his girlfriend and that he was leaving clues and surprises throughout the mall.   He wanted to talk to a manager about having a clue left in our store along with a surprise that she would need to take with her to the next store.

I was so enthralled by the whole idea.  I love romance.  No surprise there, right.  I loved the whole scavenger hunt idea.  I love those kinds of things -- clues, riddles, all leading up to something grand.

I listened while he explained to my manager that he was creating little riddles/clues that would lead his girlfriend to various stores in the mall and the end game, the final store was going to be a jewelry store where he was going to propose.  She loved cooking and one of the first meals she made for him was some pasta dish.  So, he wanted to buy a set of pasta bowls and when she presented her clue to us, we'd hand her the gift.  It sounded so great, so elaborate.  I wanted to come back on Valentine's Day just to see what the outcome was.

On my break, I usually walked around the mall, browsing in other stores.  I got to know some of the other workers in the mall.  So, I stopped in one store and casually asked if anyone had been in there to talk to them about a scavenger hunt.  One of the girls said no, but that she heard that one of her friends who worked at Victoria's Secret had gotten a visit.  

Over the course of a few days, I would ask other people at the mall and was able to piece together that in addition to the housewares store and Vickie's, he also stopped at Yankee Candle, Mrs. Fields' cookies, Things Remembered, and the Hallmark store.  

In my mind, I filled in the blanks, creating a great romance.   

I envisioned a comfy cotton nightgown from Victoria's Secret, because the lace crap itches and maybe she was a real girl like me who likes cotton over lace.

I envisioned a mass of short pillar candles, unscented, which had been used to set the scene for their first romantic encounter.

I envisioned the engraved necklace or bracelet charm that had personal meaning from Things Remembered.  Maybe even a photo album with photos of them doing various activities together.  Coupled with some smart-assy yet romantic Shoebox greeting card from the Hallmark store.

I envisioned tall glasses of chocolate milk and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies from Mrs. Fields. (Can you tell I've placed myself in this guy's fantasy?)

I could imagine the gleam in her eyes as she went from store to store, collecting her booty and assembling a visual story of their romantic life.

Then, she'd arrive at Kay's, or Gordon's or whatever the jewelry store was that used to be in that mall, and he'd be waiting with an old-fashioned filigree style opal ring (again, my fantasy) because she's too original for a plain old diamond.

Ahhhh......  

If it all worked out, they'd be coming up on their 14th anniversary this year.

In my fantasy, it worked out.  

There was no divorce attorney in our mall.

Secret Admirer

How did you know 'cause I never told
But you found out I've got a crush on you
The words you read, my heart's been displayed
You found out I've got a crush on you

I watched a movie on the Hallmark Channel today about a guy who spies a beautiful blonde in the park and decides she's his soul mate, based solely on her blonde hair and tight white dress.  He overhears her give her email address to someone and decides he's going to get to know her via e-mail and be her secret admirer.  However, he gets the email address wrong and ends up writing the blonde woman's mousy single mother co-worker.  The two write each other, baring their souls and falling in love.  The guy thinks he's getting to know the blonde and doesn't understand why they don't click in person when they finally meet the way they clicked in email.  He also meets the mousy co-worker and is a little out of sorts with how well he gets along with her and how much they seem to have in common.  It's a romantic comedy and I won't spoil the ending, but I'm sure you can probably guess for yourself how it might end.

I've never had a secret admirer.  I'm not entirely sure how I'd react if I did have one.  I don't really like awkward surprises.  I like surprises -- don't get me wrong -- however, I'm definitely not a "flash mob proposal" kind of girl.  I'm more of a Flash email proposal kind of girl.  So, to receive a Secret Admirer type thingy --- well, it could open the door for a mess of uncomfortable sleuthing I'm not sure I want to delve into.

I think back to high school when we would have these carnation sales on Valentine's Day where you could buy a carnation for a dollar or two and have it delivered on Valentine's Day to a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend or, if you were daring, you could send a Secret Admirer note and flower.  I never sent them to anyone I had a romantic interest in and I never received any either from anyone who had a romantic interest in me.

The whole thing smelled of awkwardness, to be honest.  Yes, it also had a hint of eau d' Romance, but mostly, I thought of awkwardness.

Let's say you have a crush on Bill.  Your friend Joe has a crush on you.  Joe sends you a Secret Admirer flower.  You hope it's from Bill, so you muster up the courage to ask Bill if he sent it (or, if it's truly high school, you probably get one of your friends to ask Bill.)   This alerts Bill that you might have an interest in him since you thought the flower was from him.  At this point, Bill is flattered and asks you out.  Or, (which would most likely be my case), Bill politely tells you (or your friends) that he doesn't see you that way and likes you as a friend.  You have to deal with the awkwardness of knowing that Bill knows that you like him.  Then, there's poor Joe.  Joe has been waiting patiently for you to mention the flower.  He has been hopeful for a John Hughes happy ending where you tell him that he looks good wearing your future.  (ooops, SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL reference.  Rent the movie to see what I mean.)  However, most likely, you'll tell Joe that someone sent you a flower and you thought it might be from Bill, whom you think is dreamy.  Joe's heart will be crushed.  He will never tell you he sent the flower.  You'll go to your grave wondering who sent you the flower and Joe will marry someone who likes him for him and he'll tell her some day about the time he sent some girl a flower.  She'll find it endearing and will thank her lucky stars that you never gave Joe a chance.  You'll run into Joe at a high school reunion and realize you should have treated him better.  Aaaaah.... 

I was someone's Secret Admirer in college. 

It started innocently enough.  I worked in the college mailroom so I had access to everyone's mailboxes.  I got to see pretty much everyone on campus at some point.  There was this somewhat shy little blonde boy who caught my eye.  I would take small slips of notebook paper and write in pink ink (using a hot pink Le Pen felt tip pen) little notes like "Have a nice day!"; "You have a nice smile."; "Thinking of you." etc and slip them, unsigned into his mailbox.  I imagined that I made his day when he opened his mailbox.  Sometimes, I'd try to hang out by the mailboxes before dinner, when most people checked mail, to see if I could see his reaction.  I never quite timed it right.   I used to carry that pen with me everywhere in hopes that some day, he'd see me writing with it and it would click in his head.  Our eyes would meet and violins would start playing.  We'd fall in love and have a house full of little blonde haired blue eyed babies.

As fate would have it, we ended up in a class together.  I sat two rows in front of him and would blatantly use the pink pen in class to take notes.  It was as daring as I could get, short of telling him outright that I was his Secret Admirer.  If he ever figured it out, he never said anything.   Maybe some day, I'll run into him at a reunion and will break the silence and maybe we'll laugh about it.  Or maybe it will be a story I just blog about and move on.

I think the concept of a Secret Admirer is very romantic and has great potential.  I would love to receive personalized notes and flowers from someone who was truly interested in me.  However, I fear the fantasy versus reality aspect.  I like someone.  It's no secret to most of my friends that I like someone.  I'm pretty oblivious to signs that people like me.  I can't tell when a guy is flirting with me as a friend or when a guy is flirting with me as a man.  So, I can see me making a fool of myself thinking that the guy I like is my Secret Admirer only to find out that it's someone else.   Awkward.  Especially if the guy I like doesn't like me and if the person who liked me wasn't someone I liked  "that way".

A female friend sent me flowers about 15 years ago to make me smile and she signed the card "Someone Who Loves You."  My heart immediately went the romantic route and I sent an email to someone I was interested in asking him if he had sent me something.  Before I could get an answer, my female friend emailed me asking me if I had gotten a surprise.  I got an email from the guy telling me he didn't send me anything and asked if there was something he should have sent me.  I told him to nevermind and then told my female friend about the almost awkward moment.  It was at that point I realized I'm probably not a good candidate for the whole Secret Admirer thing.

Just give me a straight up Valentine's Day card with your name in it.  Or a post it note.  Or an email.  

I'm not picky.
-----------

Things Happen For A Reason, Right?

Everything falls apart,
then I get to try to put it back together
Everything falls apart,
and you can count on that like you can count on bad,
bad weather again

Was it good?
I don't remember much about it
When things start to feel right,
you can count on me to start to doubt it

I'm pretty sure I've used this song before.  It's my go-to song when things in my life seem to be a little wonky.  I love Dog's Eye View.  I highly recommend checking out their music, especially the stuff that is circa 1995.  Yes, I said circa.

I am having a bit of a struggle right now. 

I have been working so hard at being positive and keeping my head up.  I've been focused on my goals.  2012 is supposed to be MY year.  The year things change positively and I accomplish the things I want to accomplish in life.  I want to lose weight, get healthy, fall in love with someone who loves me back...  (not necessarily in that order, but those are my three main goals right now.)

However, in the past couple of weeks, things have taken a turn which leaves me stressed out and worried.

It never fails.  Whenever I put focus on myself, stuff seems to happen to draw my attention away from me and make me focus on other things.  The last time, in 2009/2010, Molly got sick and I had to shift focus away from me to her.  In 2007, I got diagnosed with that hyperventilation syndrome thingy and I didn't get to "enjoy" the transition from Ohio to Virginia.  I can keep going but the thought makes my head spin.  Every blinking time I make a resolve to focus on ME -- my health, my happiness -- something happens that makes me put it on the back burner.

So, this time --  it's money.  Go figure, right?  The bane of my existence.

Everything comes back to money.

Without warning, my part time job dried up.  Poof!  Gone in an instant.  I knew it wouldn't last forever.  However, I didn't expect it to just go away without any warning either.  I know I should never rely on part time income, overtime, bonuses or any sort of supplemental income.  It's usually just "extra" money.  However, I felt pretty confident that the work was going to be steady so I did some spending this fall that I wouldn't have normally done.  I went to Vegas and ran up a credit card.  I added a Target card and an Amazon card.  I've used both.  I now own a Garmin and a Kindle Fire.  I have credit card balances to prove it.  I've missed the window for returns.

Now, I'm not in a deficit.  I have about $100 surplus if I make the minimum payments and don't take on any more debt.  However, this leaves no wiggle room for any sort of emergency or indulgence.  This scares me.  I have less than $2000 in savings and owe the IRS and State this year, due to the part time job income nudging me into a higher tax bracket.

I was offered a new project, a phone project, by the part time job place.  I accepted it and then at the last minute, turned them down because I didn't want to be on the phones 15 hours a week trying to sell vacations.

I regret that.  Because now, I can't stop worrying about money.  I may have to get a retail job which means I'll then have to possibly stop going to the gym because I don't know of any retail places that will allow me to only work 4 hours on Saturday and 4 hours on Sunday and keep my evenings and afternoons free. 

Without a cushion, I may not be able to afford "healthier" foods.  It's cheaper to eat badly than it is to eat healthy.

I had the plan this morning to get up and hit the pavement -- trying to talk to managers at the local grocery and dollar store -- to see if they needed someone just for a few hours a week.  

However, I woke up with a bad cough, chest congestion and ribs that felt like someone had kicked me while I was asleep.  I thought maybe it was an allergy or asthma attack and tried to talk myself out of it.  I went to WalMart and got some produce for the week and came back home.  The pain and discomfort, including the cough, got worse so I went to Patient First, the local urgent care place.  I have bronchitis.  I can't work out and I definitely can't interview and/or start any sort of part time job until I'm back to 100%.

I don't feel like eating healthy stuff.  I don't feel like eating at all.

I also had someone tell me yesterday that they could walk out of my life and never talk to me again because they just don't have any sort of emotional commitment to me, despite the fact that I have been emotionally committed to them for awhile now and thought the person was a good friend.  It hurt.

I have been scouring work at home sites, craigslist, the local newspaper website, job boards....  I'm a job seeking fool, who is seeking jobs with all of the other unemployed people in the world. 

So, all of this stuff... leaves me wondering why it is happening?  Why am I being tested?  

I consider myself a good person.  I work hard.  I treat people with kindness.  I don't try to get involved in drama and try to live a clean life.

Why is it that every time I try to do something for ME that will make ME happy, things have to happen that make me question my decisions and that make me have to choose between taking care of ME or focusing on other things?

I could use a hug.

And a winning lottery ticket.

And a sign that things are going to get better.