It's A Confidence Thing

Stopped me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it?
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Confidence is a powerful thing.

If you lose it, you lose a bit of yourself. Not having it can make you feel like crap, make you make careless mistakes, make you say things you don't mean to say and do things you wouldn't normally do.  It's like a snowball effect. Or a ripple in a lake.  You don't realize how much having your self-esteem knicked can affect so many things until you have the opportunity to get it back and realize how powerful it really is.

All you need is something, anything to boost it and it rebounds.  It grows.  It's like a match to your inner pilot light.  Strike the match and poof the inner light grows and grows and spreads warmth through your soul.

My confidence was shaken recently.  My self-esteem took some punches.  I crawled into a hole in my soul and sort of shut out all good things.  Walls went up.  Defenses went up. Mood got wonky. I kind of stopped trusting.  Stopped hoping.  Stopped caring.

Then, recently, a friend... a very intuitive and helpful friend... helped me comb through some things happening in my life and helped reassure me that if I keep my head, keep doing the right thing and keep trusting my own intuition, I should be okay.  She also helped me analyze some vibes/feelings that were confusing me about another person in my life and although she didn't say the exact words I wanted to hear, she did confirm some things I had been thinking and feeling, sensing... and it helps me understand that person and my own reactions to that person better.

It's almost like being told a secret.  A secret that only you know.  A secret that will help you not get crazy trying to figure out if "it's me".  

So, I'm feeling a lot better about things.  My confidence is growing and I am feeling this subtle power inside.  I am not over-analyzing the actions of certain people around me and have sort of adopted this "it is what it is" mentality.  I KNOW who is on my side and I am trusting myself and my inner feelings about those people.  I'm working to build stronger relationships with those people who can be in my corner and be on my side.  I'm also avoiding the toxic people and trusting my inner voice that has been warning me all along to stop giving them second and third chances to hurt me and have negative influence over me.

This little light of mine is burning.  I hope it becomes a wildfire that spreads and spreads. 

I want it to become brighter than the sun.

You Were Meant For Me

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

"I know a guy who is perfect for you!"

Those words strike fear into my soul every time I hear them.  It's the opening line for a well-meaning friend who wants to initiate a well-intended fix up.  I've been on the receiving end of that statement several times in my dating life.

It never goes well.  I don't know why I even listen.  I should revert to childhood tactics of covering my ears and humming and saying, "I can't hear you" as soon as I even sense the words are about to come out of someone's mouth.

I know the friend always means well.  I do.  But, the fix up never does well.  (See very early summer blog about finding treasure about another disastrous fix up.)  In the end, I always wonder what made the person so "perfect" for me (other than he was human and I was human and we were both single.)  Then, I wonder what mixed messages I must be giving out to my friends if they are so dead wrong with finding someone for me. (Not that I want my friends actively seeking someone for me.)

That said, in the event any of you are thinking of stuffing "Mr. Right" into my stocking this Christmas, I thought I'd pass along some helpful shopping tips.  Just a little pre-Christmas gift from me to you to help you out before you tell me, "I have the perfect guy for you."

1.  Sense of Humor.  Yes.  I have one.  Yes, I require that "the one" has one.  However, there's a fine line between having a sense of humor and having a sense of humor that gets my sense of humor.  I'm sarcastic.  Droll.  Punny. Deadpan at times.  Raunchy, at times.  He has to be able to tell the difference between when I'm joking, when I'm being observant, when I'm asking a rhetorical question and when I'm just making conversation.  It's a fine art.  I also like a man who can make me laugh -- really laugh -- and not by quoting some skit or routine he saw on the Comedy Channel.

2. Grammar and punctuation.  I consider myself fairly intelligent and well-spoken.  I have killer communication skills.  The occasional "oops, I typed too fast" boo boo is fine.  However, if I feel like I need an interpreter and lexicon to decipher what he's trying to say, he's not for me.  I'm not afraid to require a sentence diagramming test for our first date.  I'm just saying.

3.  Clothing.  Must be clean and fashionable.  Maybe it comes from liking (um... "liking") too many gay men in my past, but I like a guy who know how to dress.  I also like a guy who knows how to dress down, too.  I do not like baggy pants.  I do not like t-shirts with logos or witty sayings.  Belly shirts, mesh shirts, wife beaters and spandex are no-nos, too.  I want a man who is confident in his appearance.  And, for crying out loud, sneakers and khakis worn at the same time do not a good fashion statement make.

4.  Trivia.  I love love love useless information.  That does not mean that I want a guy to spout statistics at me or tell me the going rate for copper pennies just because he knows that.  I need the well-placed, appropriate bits of trivia.  Now, if we're visiting the Mint and he wants to tell me about pennies, faboo, have at it.  However, if we're out to dinner and the bill just came and he looks at it and then tells me how much a penny minted before 1982 is worth, that tells me that he's thinking he can't afford dinner.  I want someone who can go toe to toe, however, in a game of 80s Trivial Pursuit.  Maybe even be willing to wager money on it.

5.  Dorky.  I like a guy who isn't afraid to be a little dorky, geeky, weird or nerdy on occasion.  Now, I'm not saying I want a backwards, socially inept Sheldon Cooper type.  I'm saying I think brains are sexy.  Show me his IQ.  Show me that he can fix something.  Tell me that he thought up a new use for old paper clips last night while he was trying to fall asleep.  Get him to make up a song about something silly.  Get him to admit to me that he still has the Kermit the Frog doll he got when he was 6 or that he's afraid of the dark -- or chickens -- or the color orange.  Something totally unique and adorkable.

6.  My Blog.   He has to be willing to read it.  He doesn't have to love it, but that will get him bonus points.  I put a lot of me into this blog and if he's willing to read it, then I know he can appreciate things that are important to me. It shows he's interested in what makes me tick.  I'd like to know he's curious about me. Interested. Wouldn't you want a cheat sheet about someone? I've been told I'm funny and interesting.  It's not a boring read.  Heck, he may learn a thing or two about me that might impress him. Or scare him.  Either way, it's an education.

7.  Lastly, because 7 seems like a nice lucky number...  hobbies.  He needs to have some.  He needs to get out of the house.  He needs to get sunlight.  (Unless he's a vampire and if that's the case, I'm not really that interested in the whole Twilight fantasy.)  He needs to have friends to go do things with... and I don't mean his parents or brothers and sisters.  He has to be able to tell me that he's done something with someone recently.  It's a great conversation starter and a way for me to determine if we have anything in common.

So.....  tempted to tell me that you have the perfect guy for me?  Huh?

Yeah, that's what I thought.  

That's ok.  I have faith.  He's out there.  Maybe making his own list at this moment for his own friends and it sounds a lot like mine.  (Only, replacing the "He" with "She".  I can't do the gay guy thing again.)

You've Got A Friend

When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand,
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

I watched It's A Wonderful Life last night.  I watch it every time it is on.  (I think I've also referenced it a few times in previous blogs.)  

Depending on my mood, I can watch the entire movie and feel uplifted and joyful about George Bailey's ability to overcome hardship and persevere thanks to hard work, the love of his family and the support of his friends. Then, other times, I see how time and time again, his dreams were thwarted or put on hold so that others could go about their lives and dreams.  Last night, I was all about the latter.  It's on again on Christmas Eve, so maybe then I'll be all about the former.

You see, I was originally going to watch the Adjustment Bureau and be inspired to write a blog about destiny and fate.  Can we change it or are we all just destined to do certain things and our lives are already written?  A very profound subject.  One best had over a few beers, late at night, in a dimly lit room.  

I've mentioned before that I try to live my life without regrets and try to not ask for too many do-overs because I believe everything happens for a reason and that everyone we meet happens for a reason.  We may not immediately see that reason or understand it, but it's there.  Yes, I've also whined lately, though, that I'd like a do-over of recent months, but I have a feeling there will be some big epiphany in the future where I look back and say, "Ah ha!  That's what those months taught me!"  (Hopefully, I'll be sitting  in the bow of some big boat, in the South Pacific, sipping fruity drinks with my chosen cabana boy when it happens.)

I digress.  I forgot that I cancelled HBO last week in an effort to save money so that meant no The Adjustment Bureau. So, I watched It's a Wonderful Life instead. 

One could discuss destiny after watching It's A Wonderful Life.  I always start out feeling sorry for George Bailey.  He had such dreams and aspirations.  He didn't want to be stuck in the small town.  He wanted great things.  I feel a bit of kinship to George.  I was the same way.  I didn't want to stay in the town where I grew up.  I wanted to see the world.  But, then, his father got sick and he took over the bank.  Then, his brother got married, and he stayed with the bank.  The most poignant scene for me, which I didn't totally understand until recently, to be honest, is when he finds himself at Mary Hatch's house and is battling himself.  He's angry that he's there. He's angry that his mother called ahead.  He's angry that he has feelings for Mary.  The phrase "can't fight fate" keeps ringing in my head.  Poor George.  He knew -- he knew at that precise moment that he was never going to leave Bedford Falls.  He knew he was going to marry Mary, settle down and stay there the rest of his life.  He was battling his inner demons and battling the realization that this was his destiny -- not traveling the world.   

In the end, what he got was probably much more fulfilling, but, man, I still feel this twinge of "sympathy" for the old guy.  Couldn't they have at least let him leave and then come back and realize everything he ever needed was right there?  (Like with Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz?)  If I were Mary Hatch, I probably would have spent my life worried that George would be resenting me for taking away his dreams of seeing the world. Worried that he "settled" for me when he could have been with anyone and gone anywhere.  Worried that he felt trapped and voiceless in the relationship.

Then, we get to the whole "wish I hadn't been born" thing.  That part always gets me.  He was just one man.  One man who impacted so many.  I get a little reflective when we get to this part.  I try to wonder what life would be like if I hadn't been born.  Would it have mattered much?  Would someone else have taken my place in all of the things I've done?  I haven't stopped an old pharmacist from killing someone.  I haven't single-handedly saved the family business.  I didn't give my money to my brother to travel the world.

Would there be someone sitting here right now wishing they had someone to help ease the void they feel because I wasn't born?

(sigh)  Sadly, I do not have a beer in my hand and this is not a dimly lit room at the end of a long day.  

In the end, the movie is about friendship, love and realizing that what you think you are destined to be is not what you are truly destined to be.

Makes me wonder what my true destiny is? Or, is this it?  Who is going to show up on my doorstep and get mad at me because I make him want things that go against what he has been telling himself what he wants?

Hopefully, I won't have to jump off of a bridge to find out. (Unless I was jumping to claim that winning lottery ticket that blew out of my hand or something.)

What's Wrong With Misfits?

We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in!
We're not daffy and dilly
Don't go 'round willy nilly
Seems to us kinda silly
That we don't fit in.
We may be different from the rest
Who decides the test
Of what is really best?

One of my favorite holiday cartoons, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, was on last night.  I love that cartoon.  Mostly because I feel a kinship with Hermie, who wants to be a dentist instead of an elf, and with Rudolph, who was picked on for being different.

I have always been sort of a misfit.  I know I never quite felt like I fit in.  As an adult, I'm not entirely sure most days that I fit in now either.  Luckily, being odd and un-ordinary seems to be ok these days so I am not so ostracized.

I grew up in a very small town, as I've mentioned before.  I lived in a mobile home.  A single-wide mobile home.  My parents were uneducated laborers who did their best to keep us safe, fed and healthy.  My childhood, while not idyllic, was not bad.  Mostly because I never really noticed what we didn't have until I grew older.

However, I did notice that I didn't always fit in.  

For one, I was the token fat kid in a school filled with non-fat kids.  I think there was one other fat kid, but he was a bully and being a bully trumped being fat.  At school, I was bookish, shy, and introverted.  I was the kid who wanted to make my teachers proud and happy.  I always wanted to play with the other kids but never really knew how to initiate it so I'd do odd things or funny things to get attention.  I was also fairly competitive and would get good grades to get attention.  At recess, I was most likely to be found pounding chalkboard erasers on the side of the building or walking along the chain link fence by the playground, daydreaming about a better life, a different life. 

At home, I was less shy.  Kind of bipolar, actually.  I could be the perfect daughter one minute, then the bossy bad seed the next.  I could fight with my brother like the best of them.  I was kind of tom-boyish and stubborn.  I was picky and sometimes grouchy.  I spent a lot of time alternating between being very active outside to being almost vegetative inside.  I watched a lot of television.  I read a lot of books.  I listened to a lot of music.  Thanks to this, I have a wealth of useless information that only seems to come in handy while playing trivia games.  

I didn't have many friends until middle school.  All of my report cards in grade school had comments that I needed to come out of my shell and be more social.

So, when I watch Rudolph, I get lost in all of the social messages that I sometimes forget it's just a timeless children's cartoon about the magic of Christmas. 

I focus on Santa's eating disorder (refusing to eat) and Mrs. Claus's enabling (Eat, papa, Eat.  No body wants a skinny Santa.)  I empathize with the elf who is doing a job he doesn't like because he doesn't feel he has any other options, so when he's not being heard, he does a drastic move and runs away.  I don't know how many times I've gotten into my car and considered just driving until I'm totally lost some place (although, now that I have a Garmin, that might not be possible) and then start over.  

I get all warm and mushy when the little girl reindeer looks past Rudolph's red nose and develops feelings for him based on things other than appearance.  I feel sorry for Rudolph for not being allowed to hang out with all of the other reindeer because he has a red nose.  I feel sorry that his own parents are ashamed of him and try to make him be someone he isn't.  I feel envy for Yukon Cornelius who gets to travel the world and do whatever he wants.  But, in the end, Rudolph saves the day and everything works out.

In my life, I'm stuck some place between the North Pole and the land of misfit toys.  I haven't quite fully come to terms with my individuality and I still yearn to be a little more normal -- or at least be accepted and loved by someone who looks past the not-so-normal. 

I'm looking for my Yukon Cornelius, I guess, to help me find my way.  

Metaphorically.  The guy from the cartoon kind of creeped me out.

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Believe in your dreams
Come what may.

There's always tomorrow,
With so much to do,
And so little time in a day.

We all pretend
The rainbow has an end
And you'll be there my friend someday.

Pay It Forward

You don't owe me a thing, I've been there too
Someone once helped me out,
Just the way I'm helping you
If you really want to pay me back,
Here's what you do
Don't let the chain of love end with you

One of my favorite movies is Pay It Forward and I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Practice Random Acts of Kindness."  I'm not a tree hugger and the only way I eat my granola is formed into the shape of a snack bar.

 However, I do believe in the power of good karma and paying it forward.  

Yesterday, my friend Janelle bought me lunch.  She said she was doing it because someone else had treated her earlier in the week.  Paying it forward.

Today, I donated $5 to the food bank.  It was my small way of paying it forward.

A few years back, I was the recipient of a major dose of holiday Pay It Forward.

It was winter 1996.  I had just moved into my first apartment in Columbus and was having a hard time finding a job.  I was working part time at a housewares store and interviewing like crazy to find a full time job.  I had originally moved to Columbus with a job lined up but the job fell through, else I wouldn't have moved.  I'm not really that much of a risk taker.

However, money was tight.  Things were far more expensive than I thought they'd be.  I was living off of a Sears credit card and watching my savings dwindle.  I would go to Sears and buy gift certificates (these were the days before plastic gift cards) with my credit card, then wait a few days and go back and buy a pair of socks or something inexpensive and get cash for the balance of the gift card. I had A LOT of black socks. A LOT.

I couldn't ask my parents for money.  They didn't have it and even if they did, they wouldn't have lent it to me.  They had been against my move in the first place.  

I do not like to admit failure.  Failure is weakness.  (I think I may have mentioned this before.)  But, there was a part of me that was scared crapless that I was going to have to give up my dream of starting over, starting new in Columbus.

I had enough money to make rent for December 1996 but I did not have enough money to make rent for January 1996.  About two weeks into December, I landed a temp position making $9.00/hr (it seemed like a million bucks) but there was no way I'd have my first paycheck before January rent was due.

I was about to give up and go back to Marietta when I told one of my cyber friends about the issues I was having.

A few days later, I started to get envelopes in the mail.  Envelopes with money in them.  $5, $10, $20....  I felt like Jimmy Stewart at the end of It's A Wonderful Life when everyone shows up to give him money to save his bank.

One of my cyber friends shared my story with my other cyber friends (I had been really active in a friendship forum on CompuServe) and they all pitched in to help me.  One of my closest friends sent me a blank check and a note that told me to "fill in the balance".  By the time January 1 rolled around, I had enough money to pay my rent and utilities for January.  Another friend sent me a book and a crisp brand new $100 bill for Christmas.  I carried that $100 bill around with me for months as a good luck charm and as proof that I was going to be okay.  I thanked everyone over and over and said prayers for such good friends.  These were people who hardly knew me.  I had only met a few of them face to face at the time of such generosity.

One of them told me, when I offered to pay her back, "Look, someone is going to need something some day and you will remember this."  

Fifteen years later, I'm still trying to repay their generosity.  I have a hard time accepting kindness from people.  I feel like I don't deserve it and that there are people who need it more than me.  But, when it happens, I am so grateful.  I feel embarrassed for awhile but then jump in and try to help others so that I don't feel selfish and greedy.

I give cash to people holding "I'm homeless" signs even though a small part of me thinks they probably won't use it for food like they say.  I donate to animal shelters.  I give to food banks.  I toss my loose change into the thing hanging off of the McDonald's drive through window.  I buy cookies from Girl Scouts and give them away to co-workers.  I "round up" when grocery stores offer the ability to "round up" and donate the difference to charity.  I've put money in parking meters for people I don't know. I buy gifts and trinkets for friends just to put smiles on their faces.

I totally believe in paying it forward and thank my friends (some of which are on my Facebook friend list) who helped me realize a dream 15 years ago.

Today, another friend helped me out again.  Not financially.  Spiritually.  She gave me some advice that I really needed to hear and I'm grateful for it.  She didn't have to do it and I will not be able to repay her for it.  But, I am grateful.

Now, it's your turn.  

Whose life will you change with a small act of kindness?

What Does the Future Hold?

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Everyone has that one thing that when you find out about it, you pause and go "Oh wow.  I never would have thought that about you."

Mine is that I believe in psychic ability.  

I've always been a superstitious person, intrigued by astrology, rituals, white light and forces greater than you and me that guide us.  As far back as I can remember, I've always read my horoscope, checked compatibility charts and checked the moon phases to help explain weird mood behavior.

I know many people scoff psychics and I'm sure psychic ability is based more on a person's intuition and ability to pick up on vibes than it is about closing the eyes and magically "seeing" the future.

I believe everything happens for a reason and that there are powers and forces guiding us to our destiny.  I believe in fate and signs.  I believe that the power of positive thinking and white light can help a person through a rough time just as much as prayer can.

I have had my "fortune" told three times in my life.  

The first time, I was in my early 20s, living in Marietta, Ohio and working in child care.  I lived in a boarding house with several other women.  One of the women worked in a nursing home and told us about this woman there who could "read" people.  Out of curiosity, I went to visit my house-mate at work and she introduced me to the woman.  The woman held my hand and then told me that she saw a few things about my future life.  She said that the letter "K" was going to be significant in who I marry and that I would not have any children of my own, but that I would help raise a daughter.   Intriguing for sure.  I remember telling my friends and co-workers about it and of course, it became a joke to them.  "Oh, watch out for those guys you meet at K-mart... Kroger... Knights Inn...."  I filed it away. 

The second time was while I was living in Columbus.  A co-worker told me about a woman who did readings from her home who gave you a cassette recording (yes, I still have the cassette) of your reading.  I think I paid $50 for 30 minutes.  The woman knew nothing about me prior to my visit.  I hadn't given her any information other than my first name.  I used my work phone number so that she couldn't "look me up" or do homework before I arrived.  She asked me some questions about my life, which kind of bothered me because I wanted to say, "You're the psychic.  You tell me."  But, I know not everyone has the same kinds of abilities.  She used Tarot cards and palm reading as her main tools.  After a few moments, she finally spoke and told me that she saw long-distance travel in my near future, a marriage later in life and that my relationship with my father would be a driving force in future relationships.  She said a few other things but, to be honest, they were vague and didn't make much sense to me.  The entire reading, except for the part about my dad, was rather vague.  I didn't do any sort of traveling near the time of the reading.

The third time was at a holiday party for work, right before I moved to Virginia.  They hired a fortune teller and I decided to take a stab at it.  I had one of my co-workers sit with me as a "witness".  The woman had no way of knowing me or anything about me prior to the session.  I expected some fluffy promises about good fortune and holiday cheer.  After all, it was a work function.  She could have been a hotel employee for all we knew.  However, this was not the case.  Within a couple of minutes, the woman told me that there was a male in my life who had a negative influence and hold over me.  She told me that he was cruel and manipulative and that he often took credit for my achievements.  She then said a letter of the alphabet that she was seeing and sure enough, the guy I was interested in at the time, had a name that started with that initial.  He was cruel and manipulative and he did try to take credit for my achievements.  The woman shook me to the core.  My co-worker was quite speechless as well.  The woman told me that I needed to end the relationship and move out of his power and that he was not the one for me.  She said that as long as I was with him, I'd never be able to live the life I was destined to live.   I had been at a turning point and had been in the process of breaking away from the person so her words hit me right where it mattered.  She told me, as well, that there was someone for me, but that it wasn't him and it wasn't soon.  She said I had to get to know myself again before I'd be ready for a serious relationship.

So, that said, the past couple of months, I've been getting "spam" emails from a "psychic" telling me that she has urgent news for me.  How she got my email address, name and date of birth is beyond me but probably from some Facebook app that pulled information or some other product or service sold my information.  I kept deleting them.

Then, a few days ago, I opened one of the emails out of curiosity and it basically said that someone was trying to harm me and that she wanted to help me before it was too late.

I clicked the link to "purchase" the reading and "safety" ritual she promised to provide me.  It was $15 and I blow that on lottery tickets in a month so I decided what the heck -- decided it would be good blog fodder if nothing else.

I got the results/reading today.  I have to admit, some of it was kind of disturbing.  It said that there was someone in my life who is threatened by me and has decided, within the past few months, to try to harm me, my reputation and the respect that others have for me.  The psychic cautioned that it may or may not be someone who immediately comes to mind and that I may not even be aware of the damage being done.  The reading went on to say that this person may not even be aware themselves of the damage they are doing and that the harm is being caused as a result of other actions they are taking, possibly to protect themselves.  

The psychic then offered up a ritual to rid myself of the bad energy to to cloak myself in a protective shield that will keep this negative energy from corrupting my intrinsic good energy.

I needed to buy a few things that a trip to the local health food/holistic store today provided: a white candle, some rosemary oil, some mint leaves...

I did the protection ritual tonight.   What the heck, right?   It suggested that I do it within a few days of a new moon (which was last night) and then carry around a photo of someone or something I want to watch over me until the next full moon and then the protection will be complete.

I'd like to bring back the positive energy I had surrounding me until a few months ago.  I'd like to rid my life of negative forces trying to keep me down.

The "psychic" may very well be a computer program that would generate the same response to you.

All I'm out is $15.  And the cost of a candle, some mint and some rosemary oil.

I'm willing to take the chance.

If it doesn't work, I still have the mint and rosemary oil.  They smell nice.

Thank You!

You've been so kind and generous

I don't know how you keep on giving

For your kindness I'm in debt to you

And I never could have come this far without you

So for everything you've done

You know I'm bound...

I'm bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you

For so many gifts

You gave with love and tenderness

I want to thank you

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for:

Friends who know when to take themselves seriously and when not to take themselves seriously.

Friends who know when to take me seriously and when not to take me seriously.

Friends who seem to sense when I need a hug, laugh or smile.

Friends who open up to me when I sense they need a hug, laugh or smile.

Musical artists like Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat who can sing positive music that puts me in a good mood.

Musical artists like Adele who can sing songs that provide the perfect soundtrack for when I'm in a bad mood.

Selfless people who give to others without expecting anything in return.

Selfish people who make me appreciate the selfless people more.

Facebook for allowing me to spill my guts daily in 144 characters or fewer.

Blogger for allowing me to spill my guts almost daily with way more than 144 characters.

My 6 blog "followers" and 7 "email subscribers".  I am grateful to know someone reads what I write.  I know I shouldn't care if anyone reads it or not, but it somehow makes me feel good to know that someone is there to witness my life and will be there to tell my stories in the event I can no longer do so.

My health in a year where I've lost several former classmates who were far healthier than I am to sudden death.

Abby who loves me unconditionally and who lets me love her unconditionally.  I don't care if she's fat and she doesn't care if I'm fat.  She makes me laugh daily and I can always count on her at bedtime to cuddle up beside me and give me some kitty loving before we both fall asleep.

The Virginia Lottery Commission for giving me hope at least once a week that I will win the lottery some day and be able to quit the day job and challenge the adage that "money doesn't buy happiness".  I'd rather be rich and miserable than poor and miserable.  I'd at least have a personal chef, bodyguard, personal assistant and posse to share my misery if I was rich.

Boston Market for providing my Thanksgiving meal so that I can be a total bum all day tomorrow.

My part-time job for introducing me to a few other "smart allecky" types who help make doing the job fun.  I also appreciate the extra income it brings in.

New friends and co-workers who make going to work bearable.

The movie Crazy Stupid Love for making me realize that my heart is not frozen and that I do want to fall in love again some day.  With the male version of me (who has my "good" traits... not the "bad" traits.)


New TV shows like New Girl, Suburgatory, Once Upon a Time and American Horror Story for giving me something other than the typical and over-done crime shows to watch.  I'm happy to see that there is a show that celebrates being quirky and oddball.  Gives me hope that I will find the male version of me some day.
 
Ativan.  Such a tiny little pill but oh so helpful when panic attacks hit.

My strength.  I've had some rough patches this year.  That which does not kill me makes me stronger.  Soon, I shall be able to lift cars with one hand.

You.  You know why.  If you don't, ask me.  I'll tell you.

A Beautiful Mess

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man
And lift him back up again

You are strong but you're needy, humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language and shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless
Well, I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

I have been in a funky mood for over a month now.  I keep trying to shake it but it just won't go away.  I will have a good day then three crappy ones.  Another good day, then two crappy ones.  I want one week of good days.  Then, another and another.  I'd also like a winning lottery ticket.

I am the master of my destiny.  I am the controller of my emotions.  Why is it so hard to get back on track?

Six months ago, I had a decision to make.  I didn't really tell anyone about the decision but I made the decision and thought I had made the right decision. I had no regrets until recently.

The summer itself wasn't so bad.  I liked my job.  I made a new friend at work who made work fun and who seemed to have the same thoughts and feelings about work, friendship, relationships and life.  It was nice to have someone to talk to while I worked and someone who could help me conquer those mundane days with silliness.  Sadly, it didn't last.  But, it was fun for awhile.  I was going to the gym regularly.  I was losing weight.  I made some other friends.  I was fairly active and feeling good about things. I was making some money on my part time job.  I discovered I liked beer.  Really liked beer.  Saw some good movies.  Bought some new clothing.

Then, summer ended and things sort of went south.  Had some trouble with a close friend.  Stopped having fun at work.  Spent money I shouldn't have spent in Vegas.  Hours stopped being regular at the part time job. Realized I was sort of falling for someone I can't have.  Blah blah blah blah.

Now, there were a few bright spots.  The Jason Mraz concert was fantastic.  I enjoyed my trip to the DC area for a cooking show.

Every year, around this time, I start to get depressed.  I can usually just crawl into a hole and ride it out.  However, this year, I have a job that requires me to be "on" 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I can't crawl into a hole.  I can't just sit in a cubicle, do my job and avoid people.  I think it is magnifying my mood 100 times over because I honestly don't feel like dealing with people, talking to them, etc.

But, I'm trying.  Every day, I try a little harder.  

I was reading an article earlier that said when you feel like shit, you should make a list of all of the great things about yourself and read it over and over until you start to feel the words and feel better about yourself.

So....  hmmmm.....  let's try this.

I am smart.

I am witty.

I am creative.

I am a fantastic fur mommy.

I am giving.

I am a good cook.

I can usually find something humorous in even the most mundane things.

I am a good writer.

I am a quick learner.

I am reliable.

I am dependable.

I am loyal.

I don't tell secrets.

I don't like drama.

I am neat and tidy.

I am hard working.

I have vivid dreams.

When I fall in love, it's 100%.

I like to surprise people with gifts, cards, notes -- little things that say I love you.

I have a great memory.

I have an open mind.

I like to try new things.

I am not high maintenance.

I tend to give everyone second and third chances.

I have a bunch of interesting stories from life that I can usually work into life lessons.

I don't believe in lying or bullshiting.

I don't believe in being manipulative.

Having good friends and strong relationships are more important to me than money.

If I do win the lottery, I will be very generous because I can't imagine not sharing it with everyone I care about.

I am a problem solver.

I usually handle change fairly well.

I know what is important in life and when I die, I don't want "She worked 60 hours a day" on my tombstone.

I like animals.

I like kids.

Kids like me.

Animals like me.

I am nurturing and have maternal tendencies.

I don't mind 3:00 a.m. calls.

I am the kind of person who would drop everything for a person if he/she needed me.

I like to be needed.

I like to have fun.

I also like to just be alone and watch television, movies or read.

I am curious.

I am real.

I am genuine.

I am quirky at times.

I like having curves.

I have pretty eyes.

I have a nice smile.

I am a sharer.

You can trust me.

I am a good listener.

I am usually optimistic.

I am usually perky.

I tend to see the "silver lining" in things.

I am me.

When Are You?

It's so dreamy
Oh, fantasy free me
So you can't see me
No, not at all
In another dimension
With voyeuristic intention
Well secluded, I see all

With a bit of a mind flip

You're into the time slip 

I had a really weird dream last night.

In the dream, I was at work.  But, not the place where I work now.  The place was huge.  Rows and rows and rows of high walled cubicles, a lot of noise, chatter and other office-type noises.  It felt semi-industrial.  A female co-worker came up to me and asked me, "Did you get my email?" but before I could answer her, another woman came over and said, "I need to use your computer!" and pushed me aside.  My email was open and I was afraid she would see my personal emails.  

Then, my desk phone rang and the caller ID said, "Incoming call from Shawn."

I answered it and this male voice (which sounded a lot like a current male co-worker's voice, whose name is not Shawn) said, "Is your refrigerator running?"  I responded very professionally, "I'm sorry.  I can't speak right now.  I will call you later." and I ended the call.

Meanwhile, the one female co-worker was standing by my next waiting on me and the other one was typing furiously at my computer.

The phone rang again.  Incoming call from Shawn.  I answered.

"Do you know what the current market price for rice in China is?" the male voice asked.  Then laughed.  I again responded professionally that I couldn't talk and ended the call.  I made an apologetic face and shrugged at the female co-worker who was waiting so patiently for me.

The phone rang again.  Incoming call from Shawn.  "Hey, so are you going with us or not?" the male voice asked.  "Going where?" I asked, deciding the hell with the woman who may or may not have been my boss who was sitting 5 feet away.

"Wings.  I sent Deb over to see if you wanted to go.  We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings."  (The female co-worker in my dream really is a current co-worker, whose name really is Deb.)

"When?" I asked.  I looked at the female co-worker and mouthed "Wings?"  She nodded and pointed at the unread email on my computer.

"Now.  You going or not?" the male asked.  I responded yes and then told the woman using my computer that I had to go.  I walked away with the female co-worker.  We went in an elevator to the parking garage of the building and then climbed into a red car.  (I drive a green SUV and so does the female co-worker. My current job does not have an elevator or a parking garage.)

We were driving all over town, but it wasn't Virginia Beach.  It was this confusing town with narrow streets and oddly named streets.  I felt like I was in a foreign country.  It was very unsettling.

Then, my car phone rang and I pressed a button on my dash to answer it.  Incoming from Shawn.

"Hey, we're here.  Where are you?" he asked.  I told him I had no idea where I was.  I told him we were lost.

"Well, when are you?" he asked.  "When am I?" I asked, feeling confused.

"Yeah, I'm in 2021!" he said. 

"2021?" I repeated, shocked and amazed at the same time.

Then, I woke up.

Apparently I have time-traveling friends in my dreams. Time-traveling friends named Shawn, who sound like Gordon, and who invited me and another person to have wings. 

Ten years from now.

Like A Son

Everyone can see we're together
As we walk on by
And we fly just like birds of a feather
I'm not telling no lie

All of the people around us to say
Can we be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose, yeah

Twenty one years ago this past September, my first nephew was born. I loved loved being his aunt.  He was adorable and smart and I loved him like a son.  I was in college at the time so I didn't see much of him, but when I could see him, I soaked up every minute with him.

I bought him all sorts of toys and gifts as he grew up.

Then, things got a little rough.  I don't want to dwell into my family's deep dark secrets but let's just say that home conditions were not healthy and positive for him and his two younger sisters.  He would call me and tell me of some things and beg me to let him live with me.  I was not in a position to take on any children so I did what the mature, rational person inside of me should do, I encouraged him to tell his teachers, his friends, the parents of his friends -- anyone who would listen -- his story.  I contacted children's services.  

Long story short, he and his sisters were placed in foster care.  I had absolutely no doubt in my mind or heart that this was the best thing for them.  Yes, we all hear horror stories about "the system".  However, I just felt it in my soul that this would be the best thing for them.

My nephew was adopted by a loving family who believed in education and extra-curricular activities.  He was active in 4-H.  He excelled in school.  The nieces were adopted by a different family whom, I hear, gave them a decent life, too.

I lost touch with my nephew, mostly because my family did not know how to play nice with the social services agency and were bitter and angry towards the family who adopted him.  We were told that we were not to contact him or his family and that once he turned 18, if he wanted to contact us, he could.

He turned 21 this past September and reached out to my mom, who gave him my phone number.

He's been calling me this week but we keep missing each other.   To be honest, I was kind of dreading the call.   What do you say to someone you haven't talked to in over 12 years?  To someone who wanted you to adopt him? To someone who went through what they went through?  

But, I called him tonight and it was one of the best phone calls I've had in a long long time.

If I had a son, I'd like to think he'd be like him.  He's smart, funny and has a good head on his shoulders.  He has a good job with benefits.  He has his own place.  He has a girlfriend.  He has a truck that's paid for.  He's saving money to buy a house and/or get another truck.  An F350, Ford, Extended Cab.  That's his dream truck.  Dark blue.  I told him I know someone who has the exact truck he wants and he said he couldn't wait to own one.  I cautioned him that they are expensive.  He said he would work and save for it.

We talked a bit about the past and he told me, "I believe everything happens for a reason and that you can't let it hold you down."  He went on to tell me that he has no grudges, no anger.  He knows he had a good life and that if he had stayed with my family, he wouldn't have had the things he did growing up.  He said that he never truly understood how good it felt to be clean, to be safe and to be loved until he got adopted.   He's a very mature 21 year old.

He sounds like my brother.  He has the "Darnell" sense of humor.  But, the good news is - he inherited none of the bad qualities of my family and seems to have all of the good. Like me.

I told him that I never really fit in and that I was so glad to get away from there because I didn't like the "unhealthy" aspects of my life there.  He said he knew exactly what I was talking about.

For the first time in my life, I didn't wonder if I was some how switched at birth.  It was good to find someone who is "blood" related who is actually fairly normal and mentally healthy.

It was refreshing to have a conversation with a family member that didn't involve anger, ignorance, and frustration.

I have a message from my mother I need to return.

I think I'll save that for another day.