Looking out from a cul-de-sac watching the band
Of the Earth take the plaque of the night from the dirt
I can see from the depths of my readjusting eyes
A reflection of yes's and that ever-changing sky
But why do bad dreams linger long after I awake
I don't need no scenes of violence or pain replayed
And I feel quite foolish sometimes when I pray
But my thoughts are all I got so I try to make 'em brave
And I know, I know, it's gonna be a good day
Hello, hello, you beautiful thing
Hello, hello, you beautiful thing
Oh this is what I've been waiting for
(This is what I've been waiting for)
I can't believe it's been over 5 months since I last wrote a blog post.
It's been a good five months. For the first time, in a long time, I feel content. I don't wake up in the morning dreading the day. I don't hate Mondays and count down to Fridays. Though, I do love a nice weekend of free time. I've turned my back on negativity and refuse to let drama in. I just don't have the time for it anymore. I truly believe that if you do good things, think good things and say good things, you are rewarded.
I think back to January and how close I was to being homeless. I was absolutely down to the point where I didn't know what to do or where to go and I was scared. Rock bottom cry myself to sleep scared. I've always considered myself a tough cookie. I have been on my own since August 1987 and when the crap hits the fan, I always find a way to turn it around. Now... I'm not perfect. I've had a lot of time in the past year to reflect on the things I'm not proud of. The gossip I got sucked into. The relationships that weren't healthy. The victim mentality and jumping on bandwagons of those who were unhappy because I'd rather be unhappy with someone than happy alone. Then, it all changed. Someone took a chance on me at the last minute and opened up a world I never knew existed. I smile more. I laugh at least once a day. I feel safe and secure in my world now. I haven't taken any anti-anxiety medicine in over 4 months. I sleep better. I care about things again. I want everyone else to feel just as happy as I feel inside.
I am a writer. I love that. I love saying that I write for a living. It's all I ever wanted to do. A couple of years ago, I daydreamed about my perfect job. I wanted to be surrounded by creative and eager people who shared a vision and passion. People who didn't show up "to work" and "to go home" and complain all day about how much work there is. I wanted to feel an energy of "we're doing something together" every day. I wanted a contemporary office feel with updated computer equipment. I wanted to be involved in trends and things that are exciting. I wanted to be myself - to be perky and quirky. To be serious and thoughtful. I wanted to be independent but have a mentor nearby. I wanted to sit down, do my thing and not worry about people breathing down my neck. I wanted friends. I wanted to be able to take a full hour lunch if I wanted to, or eat at my desk if I wanted to. I wanted something that involved social media or blogging or marketing. I also wanted to make a difference and be rewarded and recognized for my talents. I wanted to make people smile and know that people didn't dread my opinions or thoughts or whatever random thought came out. I wanted respect.
It was all a dream. But, it came true and I am so grateful that it did. I get all mushy about the job and people think I'm a little crazy. I guess when you go searching for 30 years for that one place where you fit, it gets a little emotional.
I write full-time and I also have freelance stuff, too. My freelance work has quadrupled since February and I enjoy that, too. It's a few hours a week and it keeps my brain fresh. Sometimes, I amazed by what I can write about. I've had friends say that they wish they had my ability to just take a topic and make it my own. I thank whomever blessed me with it.
So, I've been thinking about my next great accomplishment. That accomplishment is to finally make the outside of me match the inside of me.
I've let myself go over the years. I can give you a gazillion and one reasons and excuses but the number one reason was that unhappiness lived inside of me like a cancer. It clouded my decisions. It sabotaged every attempt I made to break free. I've had some restarts and set backs.
I am tired of not having that part of me match everything else that I am feeling inside now.
Last weekend, I had this feeling that it was "time". I suddenly felt excited about losing weight and getting healthy. It's been a long time since I felt that fire. I ordered a new scale, some portion control containers and some protein shake samples. My biggest problem is portion control. I did Weight Watchers and was very successful while I followed the plan. Over the years, though, I've lost interest in weighing and measuring things and counting calories and points. My attention span just can't handle that anymore. So, I was watching an infomercial for this thing called the 21 Day Fix and it comes with these color coded portioned containers and all you have to do is eat X number of each container each day. If it fits, you eat it. I was like, "Where have you been all of my life?" I can do that.
Over the course of the past week, I've been transitioning myself into this new eating mindset. I knew I couldn't go from eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to perfectly portioned healthy high-protein meals. I have been incorporating more water into my meals. I've been thinking about what I'm eating. I have been slowly removing the trigger foods from my diet. I've been reaching out to people to give me support and help me stay on track.
The scale, shakes and containers come tomorrow. I'm ready. I'm excited.
Now that I have the work thing making me happy, it's time for the health and wellness thing to get its crap together. :) Positive yields positive.
Let's see what my blog and I look like 5 months from now!
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Words of Wisdom
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Now that this adventure called unemployment has ended, I want to pull together some thoughts on this journey to possibly help others who find themselves in the same situation some day.
"Motivated Employee" - If you see an ad for a job that states that they are looking for a self-starter, a motivated employee, or someone with entrepreneurial spirit, it is a sales job. A commission based, no salary, work from home, kill yourself for leads sales job. Almost from day one, I was bombarded with requests for interviews from several insurance companies and financial services companies inviting me to meet with "regional directors" who had "administrator" jobs for me. I nibbled at the apple for one company and then politely rejected the rest. I'm sure that kind of work is good for some but not for me.
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Now that this adventure called unemployment has ended, I want to pull together some thoughts on this journey to possibly help others who find themselves in the same situation some day.
"Motivated Employee" - If you see an ad for a job that states that they are looking for a self-starter, a motivated employee, or someone with entrepreneurial spirit, it is a sales job. A commission based, no salary, work from home, kill yourself for leads sales job. Almost from day one, I was bombarded with requests for interviews from several insurance companies and financial services companies inviting me to meet with "regional directors" who had "administrator" jobs for me. I nibbled at the apple for one company and then politely rejected the rest. I'm sure that kind of work is good for some but not for me.
"Too Good to Be True" - If the job sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Late in the game, I discovered that several of the job boards I was using (ziprecruiters is one) were actually lead generators and not real jobs. I'd go to the site, read a description for a job that sounded almost like something from my resume and click the "Apply Now" button and provide my basic information and attach a resume. It would say "Company Confidential". Within minutes of hitting send, my text, email and phone were flooded with all sorts of offers for things, but not one job offer or interview. Sadly, most of these job boards have Terms of Service that state they can and will sell your information unless you opt out, but by using their site, you are waiving your right to opt out.
I also got hit with a lot of "work at home" scams that were pyramid schemes or required me to purchase memberships to services and/or pay a processing fee. There were several that wanted me to establish a bank account to process payments or use my home address to receive packages on behalf of a third party. Major Fraud Alert. Don't do it. There was a story on the news here recently about a woman who answered one of those ads to "stuff envelopes" and she was arrested for mail fraud because she was using the USPS to launder money for some foreign company that was defrauding its customers, but her name and address was on the shipping label, so she's the one now left holding the bag.
Careerbuilder provided information to me for reporting scams. If you find yourself victim or possible victim, you should let someone in the internet crimes division know. Email spam@uce.gov or file a complaint at http://www.ic3.gov
Create your own lead list - As soon as I got laid off, I came home and made a long list of all of the companies in this area that I could think of right off of the top of my head. Hospitals, banks, mortgage companies, schools, temp agencies, retail, call centers, collections agencies, delivery services, courier services, law offices, credit unions, non-profit organizations, media, etc
Then, I googled the chambers of commerce for VB and nearby cities, looking for a list of the partners or members to give me leads to smaller companies and businesses I may not know exist.
Drive around and look for the names of businesses near your home.
Go onto the top job boards and read through the ads, writing down company names as you go, whether you are qualified for the job they list or not. That company may have other jobs later that you will be qualified for.
LinkedIn - I reached out to all of my connections on LinkedIn with a very basic message asking them to keep me in mind if they heard of jobs. I also reached out to some of the connections and asked for references and/or recommendations. A lot of companies ask for your LinkedIn profile. Look at your profile from an outsider's perspective. Is your photo professional? Is your job history complete? Do you have a nice solid number of connections over a variety of professions and your career?
Resumes - One resume, even if it is written well, is not enough. I created one resume for administrative type jobs, highlighting those types of jobs in my resume with specific keywords that drew attention to that type of skill. I created one for mortgage servicing, one for education/training, and one general "professional" resume for blind applying to companies for no specific job. I had multiple cover letters, too. Late in the game, when I started to notice that a lot of the big players were rejecting me almost as soon as I hit submit, I realized that a lot of places use software that scans attached resumes for keywords specific to the job. So, to try to get around this, I started to insert the job description for the job I was applying for on a page within my resume. I "inserted" a page and pasted the job description straight from their websites with the header "Application For". I had decided that if they asked why I did that, I was going to say so that I had it for interviewing purposes in case it was taken off of the website. I got fewer rejection notices immediately after hitting send once I started to do that. I figured that if they were using a scanning program, then their own words would get flagged and I'd at least get into the review stage.
Social Media - I tried to curtail the amount of negative posts and anything that could be construed as negative, immature, unprofessional, etc on my social media accounts. My wall is private but that doesn't mean that it is 100% private. Let's say you and I are friends. I apply for a job for a company and you happen to have friends who work at that company. I go to your wall and post all kinds of crazy shit or tag you in photos. That can be seen by these other people who can go back and say, "Man, what a downer that chick is! Oh, and she LOOOOOVES her selfies." I try to take the approach that if the President of a company I want to work at looked at my wall, what would he/she see and would it embarrass me? I have my settings such that only certain people can see all of my wall and I do frequent "clean ups" where I look at my profile from a third party perspective and delete comments and posts. I'm also not shy about deleting comments other people make and removing tagged items. My wall. My rules.
Coupons and Budget - Money becomes a cherished commodity when you don't have a job. I made sure that I had a budget of what I could spend each week if I wanted to. I made sure to look for coupons and deals and stick to that budget as much as possible. Gift cards were worth their weight in gold. A few friends gave me Visa gift cards and Target gift cards for my birthday and I was able to use them to buy groceries and household items.
Dollar Tree - I became a fan of dollar store shopping. Bread, frozen veggies, milk, eggs, cheese, toilet paper, paper towels, kleenex, pain medicine, vitamins, dish liquid, fabric softener, batteries, cream cheese, bagels, cat treats, and Qtips are just some of the things I bought there. Why go pay top dollar for brand names when the generic version works just as well. You can get pretty creative using dollar tree groceries. They sell name brand canned foods and dry goods, too.
Routine - Try to keep to a routine as much as possible. When I first got laid off, I got up early every day, went to bed pretty close to my "normal" time and tried to keep moving forward just like I still had a job each day. Then, as time went on, I slipped. I started sleeping in later and staying up later. I'd take naps. I'd sit and play games or surf the internet for hours before bedtime. I stopped eating at regular times. It totally messed up my body.
Journal - Even if you are not a journal/writer type, keep one just to have a record of what you've done. My journal contains bank balances, places I went, jobs I applied for, people I talked to, connections attempted, social activities, moods, dreams, goals, to-dos, dreams, wishes, medical issues, appointments, etc It is a day by day account of every bit of minutia from the past 4 months.
Self Care - Don't neglect yourself and your needs. I made appointments at the dentist, eye doctor and family doctor to help keep myself in check. I got a pedicure for my birthday and again for Christmas. I got a haircut and eyebrow wax for the new year. I took my medications and vitamins and tried to drink as much water as I can and not slip into bad eating habits. I actually ate more fresh fruit and veggies while I was unemployed than I had for the three months leading up to my unemployment. I saved loose change and kept to my budget to make it possible to do these things. Other than the sleep thing and the random bouts of depression/dark stuff, I worked hard to not totally sabotage myself. I wish I had gotten more exercise, though. I just don't like it on a good day and eventhough I had plenty of time to do it, it just wasn't a priority to me.
Side jobs and part time work - I was applying for just about everything so it really annoyed me when people would say, "Well, there's always Walmart!" No. I applied. They never called. However, if you become unemployed, take a moment to read everything on their website about jobs. In my mind, I thought I could supplement my unemployment with a part time job or side job. No. It doesn't work that way. I'm glad I figured it out before it was too late. If you make more than your weekly benefit, you don't get your weekly benefit, so it becomes a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I was receiving $300 a week. That is roughly the equivalent of working 40 hours at minimum wage. So, if I took on any kind of job and my gross income for the week was over $300, I didn't get a benefit payment that week. If it was less than $300, they subtract that amount PLUS $50 from your benefit, so you actually end up hurting yourself if you do any sort of part time work. Even if it is one hour of work, you have to report it because they do audits where they check the IRS database for reported hours and new employees and compare it to their own database. If you take a full time job making less than what you were making before on a temporary or contract basis and it doesn't work out and you try to resume your unemployment benefits, IF they resume, it will be based on what you made at the contract/temp job and NOT at what you were making before, so now you may receive even fewer dollars per week. It's a very touchy balancing act. You want to work but you need steady money, too.
Keep busy - Volunteer, hobbies, etc The more time I spent with myself, the harder it was to motivate myself to leave the house. I tried to make myself leave for a few minutes each day, even if it was just to take out the trash or check the mail.
Keep hope alive - I can attest to how hard it is to keep motivated when you don't have something to get up for. Every day, though, I did take the time to thank my lucky stars for the good friends I did have, the food I had, for Abby, for being alive. I didn't purposely set out each day to have a bad day, to piss off someone, to test the boundaries of friendships and to cry myself to sleep. I started each day with a thank you and a prayer for a good day. I had my to-do lists and goals and worked like the engine that could to make strides towards a better future. Not every day was a good day, but not every day was a bad day either. Find the things that bring you joy and make sure you surround yourself with them.
For me, it was listening to music and watching television. I had to stay away from the social media sites for long periods of time because the newsfeeds were just so negative. I became super aware of just how many bad things people post on a regular basis. Critical things. I'm sure most people don't even realize they are doing it. I became aware that I did it, too, and I stopped. If I couldn't say something funny or positive or "neutral" in a comment, then I didn't comment. Far too many people are quick to point out the negatives or the "what ifs". I already had my own head doing that to me at night, I didn't need it on my Facebook wall, too. We've become a cynical, critical, negative nation and I don't want that poison in my blood. I don't. You shouldn't either. When you post something, pause and ask yourself, "Is there something else, something positive I can say?" If not, save it. Everyone has an asshole and an opinion. I don't want to see your asshole, so maybe I don't want to read your opinion either, especially if it's critical or negative. Sarcasm may be funny but it is rooted in negativity. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want people to leave me feeling like I built them up, not tore them down.
Now, the biggest thing I've learned - rely on yourself. No one is going to give you a job, pay your bills, hold your hand when you are sad, and give you the guest room in their house. No matter how much you want it to be that way, it's just not going to happen. I've been pretty self sufficient my whole life because I don't trust anyone to really be there for me. I can count on all of my fingers and toes the number of times someone has let me down, disappointed me, chosen something or someone else over me, cancelled plans, and/or put me in the corner. Nobody puts Bevy in the corner and I've just come to accept that I have to take care of me. I can't wait around on someone else. All of the best intentions, promises and prayers have the capability of just falling apart. So, I rely on me. I am going to make my life better. Oh, it's gravy if the good things come too - like people who send cash and gift cards and who offer to move you into a friend's garage. But, you may not get the gravy. Be ready for it. Have an exit strategy of some sort, especially if you were like me and had no safety net. It may sound pessimistic and contradictory to the comments I've made above. I consider it a realist's advice. Things go to crap sometimes. You have to be ready for it. Then, you can go back to being suzy sunshine.
I got what I wanted
Now I don't want anything
Yeah, I got what I wanted
Now my life is just boring 'til
Now I don't want anything
Yeah, I got what I wanted
Now my life is just boring 'til
Everything falls apart
Then I get to try to
Put it back together
Then I get to try to
Put it back together
Everything falls apart
And you can count on
That, you can count on bad
Bad weather this year
And you can count on
That, you can count on bad
Bad weather this year
Monday, February 2, 2015
Starting Over
Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over
I had a mini breakdown on 12/31/15 when I got news that work for my freelance gig was going to be practically nonexistent for awhile and while it wasn't much work or money, it gave me something to do, something to plan for. With that being taken away, I felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cried, drank a little and spent all of the 1st in bed watching television and refusing to accept reality. I was done. I decided I was just going to sit back and let whatever happens happen.
That lasted one day. With the start of the new year, I decided I was going to start over from the top and re-apply to every single job and company I had already contacted.
I decided that this time, I was going to copy and paste any job descriptions at the end of my resumes for the jobs so that if they were using keyword searching software on resumes, then mine would at least get picked even if I didn't have the qualifications.
Leaving the area was no longer a possibility because I had used the relocation money for January's bills.
I became more aggressive with my follow up. I called companies trying to bypass the receptionists and get to actual people in Human Resources. I would call at night and leave messages on voice mails. I would find fax numbers and fax my resume in addition to applying online and/or emailing.
Fierce. Desperate. The two words become almost equal in worth.
Rejection letters were fast and furious. Some would come back within an hour or two of applying which made me a bit suspicious. I also discovered that several of the job boards I had been using were just covers for lead generating websites. I'd apply for a job for some company and then I'd get calls, texts and emails for special offers, penis enlargement, mail order brides, vitamins, pay day loans, credit cards, etc etc etc. All very frustrating.
Then, on 1/8/15, I had a phone interview for an entry level job at a mortgage company. The interview lasted nearly 30 minutes and I got a really good vibe from the recruiter. At the end of the call, she told me that she wished she had something for me, but the only job they had was entry level and I was overqualified for it. I told her that I wasn't opposed to coming in entry level and working my way up the food chain.
Then, one week later, I had another interview with the recruiter from the mortgage company. The questions were more of the same, but a little deeper. The interview lasted about an hour. Then, at the end, she said the same as before - that she really wished they had something for me.
I also had a couple of other interviews that day - one for a scammy sales MLM job and one with a temp agency.
The next day, the mortgage company asked me to provide a list of professional references. "No promises," the recruiter said. "We just want to have your file ready in case." They checked my references two days later. My wonderful friends all wrote rave reviews of me and I tell you, it really made me feel loved. It was almost like the end of It's A Wonderful Life when everyone rallies around George to help him save his bank and life. I was so deeply touched by the kind words. I wanted to be hopeful -- a company doesn't go to that much effort if they plan on not offering you a job, right?
But, two summers ago, I went through 5 grueling interviews over the course of two months, even meeting with the president of the company AND taking a writing/editing test only to be told two months later that there hadn't been a job and they kept hoping one would come up while they were interviewing me. So, with that in my head and heart, I didn't want to get too hopeful. Yet, I did want to get hopeful.
Then, last Friday (the 23rd), the recruiter asked for writing samples. I provided a nice assortment of samples and crossed my fingers.
Then, on the following Monday, I got invited to interview at 2:30 on Wednesday.
The interview lasted 1 1/2 hours and it was with two department heads. I felt absolutely energized leaving that interview and at the end, they jokingly said, "This is where we go upstairs and fight over you" and I wanted to be hopeful, but my sensible side kept that emotion in check. My friend Shelley kept saying, "oooooooh, they want you...." and I'd say no. This could be a repeat of the summer of 2013.
However, the next day, my wishes and prayers came true and the recruiter called me with a job offer and depending on when you read this, I may have already completed my first full day.
I cannot even begin to put into words the happiness and excitement I felt hearing that they had a job for me. A job I want to do in a field I feel comfortable. No training. No sales. No toting laptops from building to building. They have a "no drama" philosophy and I had an overall positive feel for the company. I have a feeling they treat their hard workers well.
I am eager for this next chapter and wish it could have all happened sooner.
The past 4 months were horrible. I don't wish this on anyone. The loneliness. The fear. The anxiety. The depression. The self doubt. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger. Desolation. Desperation. My life has been an emotional roller coaster and every day, I prayed for a miracle of some sort. Every day, I wished I could make people see things through my eyes and feel what I was feeling so that they could see what I was feeling and how I was feeling.
Some of my relationships are stronger because of the support I received and some of my relationships are weaker because of missed opportunities, selfishness, etc. I've pushed envelopes and tested boundaries. Some people understood. Some people did not.
It is all behind me now. I refuse to let any more negativity and criticism into my life.
I put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that the people who could not handle me during this dark time and expected me to be happy every minute of every day (I'm not a Disney movie) and gave up on me when I didn't jump to their commands are not going to be invited along on my new journey now that I'm turning things around.
The biggest lesson I've learned is that times of hardship reveal what and who are important to a person. I've also learned to value those people who are worth their weight in gold and just let go of those who are not.
The third thing that I do now when my world caves in,
is I pause, I take a breath, and bow and I let that chapter end.
I design my future bright not by where my life has been.
And I try, try, try, try, try again.
Yes I try, try, try, try, try again.
Things are looking up
I know beyond the dark the sun is rising
Things are looking up
And I know above the clouds the sun is shining
Things are looking
Love is still the answer I'm relying
On
- 3 Things, Jason Mraz
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over
I had a mini breakdown on 12/31/15 when I got news that work for my freelance gig was going to be practically nonexistent for awhile and while it wasn't much work or money, it gave me something to do, something to plan for. With that being taken away, I felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cried, drank a little and spent all of the 1st in bed watching television and refusing to accept reality. I was done. I decided I was just going to sit back and let whatever happens happen.
That lasted one day. With the start of the new year, I decided I was going to start over from the top and re-apply to every single job and company I had already contacted.
I decided that this time, I was going to copy and paste any job descriptions at the end of my resumes for the jobs so that if they were using keyword searching software on resumes, then mine would at least get picked even if I didn't have the qualifications.
Leaving the area was no longer a possibility because I had used the relocation money for January's bills.
I became more aggressive with my follow up. I called companies trying to bypass the receptionists and get to actual people in Human Resources. I would call at night and leave messages on voice mails. I would find fax numbers and fax my resume in addition to applying online and/or emailing.
Fierce. Desperate. The two words become almost equal in worth.
Rejection letters were fast and furious. Some would come back within an hour or two of applying which made me a bit suspicious. I also discovered that several of the job boards I had been using were just covers for lead generating websites. I'd apply for a job for some company and then I'd get calls, texts and emails for special offers, penis enlargement, mail order brides, vitamins, pay day loans, credit cards, etc etc etc. All very frustrating.
Then, on 1/8/15, I had a phone interview for an entry level job at a mortgage company. The interview lasted nearly 30 minutes and I got a really good vibe from the recruiter. At the end of the call, she told me that she wished she had something for me, but the only job they had was entry level and I was overqualified for it. I told her that I wasn't opposed to coming in entry level and working my way up the food chain.
Then, one week later, I had another interview with the recruiter from the mortgage company. The questions were more of the same, but a little deeper. The interview lasted about an hour. Then, at the end, she said the same as before - that she really wished they had something for me.
I also had a couple of other interviews that day - one for a scammy sales MLM job and one with a temp agency.
The next day, the mortgage company asked me to provide a list of professional references. "No promises," the recruiter said. "We just want to have your file ready in case." They checked my references two days later. My wonderful friends all wrote rave reviews of me and I tell you, it really made me feel loved. It was almost like the end of It's A Wonderful Life when everyone rallies around George to help him save his bank and life. I was so deeply touched by the kind words. I wanted to be hopeful -- a company doesn't go to that much effort if they plan on not offering you a job, right?
But, two summers ago, I went through 5 grueling interviews over the course of two months, even meeting with the president of the company AND taking a writing/editing test only to be told two months later that there hadn't been a job and they kept hoping one would come up while they were interviewing me. So, with that in my head and heart, I didn't want to get too hopeful. Yet, I did want to get hopeful.
Then, last Friday (the 23rd), the recruiter asked for writing samples. I provided a nice assortment of samples and crossed my fingers.
Then, on the following Monday, I got invited to interview at 2:30 on Wednesday.
The interview lasted 1 1/2 hours and it was with two department heads. I felt absolutely energized leaving that interview and at the end, they jokingly said, "This is where we go upstairs and fight over you" and I wanted to be hopeful, but my sensible side kept that emotion in check. My friend Shelley kept saying, "oooooooh, they want you...." and I'd say no. This could be a repeat of the summer of 2013.
However, the next day, my wishes and prayers came true and the recruiter called me with a job offer and depending on when you read this, I may have already completed my first full day.
I cannot even begin to put into words the happiness and excitement I felt hearing that they had a job for me. A job I want to do in a field I feel comfortable. No training. No sales. No toting laptops from building to building. They have a "no drama" philosophy and I had an overall positive feel for the company. I have a feeling they treat their hard workers well.
I am eager for this next chapter and wish it could have all happened sooner.
The past 4 months were horrible. I don't wish this on anyone. The loneliness. The fear. The anxiety. The depression. The self doubt. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger. Desolation. Desperation. My life has been an emotional roller coaster and every day, I prayed for a miracle of some sort. Every day, I wished I could make people see things through my eyes and feel what I was feeling so that they could see what I was feeling and how I was feeling.
Some of my relationships are stronger because of the support I received and some of my relationships are weaker because of missed opportunities, selfishness, etc. I've pushed envelopes and tested boundaries. Some people understood. Some people did not.
It is all behind me now. I refuse to let any more negativity and criticism into my life.
I put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that the people who could not handle me during this dark time and expected me to be happy every minute of every day (I'm not a Disney movie) and gave up on me when I didn't jump to their commands are not going to be invited along on my new journey now that I'm turning things around.
The biggest lesson I've learned is that times of hardship reveal what and who are important to a person. I've also learned to value those people who are worth their weight in gold and just let go of those who are not.
The third thing that I do now when my world caves in,
is I pause, I take a breath, and bow and I let that chapter end.
I design my future bright not by where my life has been.
And I try, try, try, try, try again.
Yes I try, try, try, try, try again.
Things are looking up
I know beyond the dark the sun is rising
Things are looking up
And I know above the clouds the sun is shining
Things are looking
Love is still the answer I'm relying
On
- 3 Things, Jason Mraz
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Karma
Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green
December is the month I became overly aware of how little I visibly do to earn karma points. Not that I think I've been blazing a trail of bad juju and collecting bad karma points because I'd like to think in a world of fakes, I'm real; in a world of liars, I tell the truth; in a world of takers, I'm a giver, etc.
However, coming off of my "why me?" maelstrom that was November, I decided I needed to be more caring towards things that are important to me. Needed to shift some positive energy and send out some to get some back.
I found myself reading all of the community posts on craigslist at night and aching because there were so many people who needed toys for their kids, food for their families, jobs, cars, clothing. Most were written badly and part of me suspected that a good many of them were probably people who didn't need the money at all and just milking a sympathetic society. However, I'd read these posts and think, "How can I help?" I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to know that even during my darkest times, I could still help people. My friend Mandy has told me on more than one occasion that she is so worried that the whole experience of being constantly disappointed and hurt by people during my unemployment would cause me to become cold and less caring.
So, I took the $20 I had set aside for groceries the first week of December and bought a Christmas gift for some woman who said she was a disabled vet and needed something for her 3 year old grandson. I figured I could make someone happy. She wanted cash or gift cards. She may have scammed me. I don't know. But, I sent her an Amazon gift card for $20 and told her to get her grandson a toy. Another person posted that they needed food for their cats and were on a limited budget. I went through Abby's "I don't like that anymore" food stash and filled a paper shopping bag with treats and food. I met the person in the PetSmart parking lot. She said thank you and took the food. I hope she wasn't scamming me, but what could she do with a bag of opened yet still fresh cat food?
Then, I discovered a charity called For The Love of Alex. They help people who cannot afford pet vet costs and who have been denied credit for the care of their pets. If you've been reading my blog from the very beginning, you know that I suffered through having a cat get sick and have to be hospitalized. I remember the day I took her in because she was gasping for air and hadn't eaten for three days and they told me it would be over $1500 to hospitalize her, put her on fluids and medication and do an examination. I didn't have that kind of money. I applied for care credit and got denied. I was sitting there in the Vet ER with Molly in a crate trying to think of how to come up with the money to do this. I had $1530 in my savings account and I made the decision to transfer the funds and wipe out my savings and hand her over to the vet. I just couldn't believe that a vet wouldn't see a dying pet without payment up front. While I was there with Molly, a man came in carrying this big gray dog who had blood coming out its mouth and the receptionist would not let him go to the exam room with the dog until he paid. If I had the fortitude to deal with all sorts of animals, I'd go back to school to be a vet and be one who would allow payment plans and options.
I digress. This charity tugged at my heart strings and I became emotionally attached to the stories. So many fur babies needing help. I donated $2.00 - $3.00 whenever I could and promoted the site on my FB wall to generate interest. I even reached out to the charity admin to offer up my services as a writer or social media helper because I knew it had to be time consuming to deal with all of the comments and questions. She and I talked about how there were over a thousand people who posted "Praying" on one animal's post but she only received $150 in donations, total, over a three day period. I made the comment about how if each person just gave $1 every time they posted that they were praying, they could make a difference. I shared my own story with her, about being unemployed and getting that kind of stuff, too. Not that I expected every friend or acquaintance to give a dollar, but if money is the root of a problem, then it would just naturally occur to me to offer money AND emotional support. She (the admin) asked if she could feature Molly and Abby on her site for the holidays and share my story. I said yes. She asked if I'd be offended if she sent Abby a Christmas gift. I said no. She said it wouldn't come until after the new year, but she'd send something to help me out. A total stranger who didn't even know me wanted to help Abby. I was so touched.
I helped promote other people's crowd funding sites, donating as much as I could, when I could.
While trying to get my spiritual and karma energy back on track, I was still pressing forward with the job search.
I had to attend a mandatory meeting at the unemployment office the first week of December. It was a rehiring workshop to give us tips on how to get back to work faster. The basic message was "don't be picky" and the average age of the participants was 45ish. The one huge thing I got out of the workshop is that I was doing all of the right things to get a job. I just had a lot of competition.
I reached out to the finance company the second week of December and the recruiter responded that they were "still" trying to find the right fit, which was my way of knowing I wasn't going to be getting a job offer.
I came up with this brain child that I was going to reach out to all of the advertising, communications and marketing companies in town and offer my services for free as a way to get experience and get my foot in the door. I only heard back from two and they informed me that they only use college interns.
Every time a door would shut in my face, I'd go around to the back of the house and try to find a window to crawl through.
I tinkered with going back to school and got stalked by a college in Colorado. The only reason why I was considering it was because someone at the unemployment workshop mentioned that you could get student loans to help cover room and board while you go back to school and in my mind, I thought I could enroll in some kind of master's program, get the maximum student loan, pay rent for a month or two and take just the minimum number of credits to keep myself in active student status. Yeah, not the best idea I ever had. The college cost was going to be $36k for an 18 month program and the "most" I could get out of the student loan was going to be $1200 a semester and you didn't even see that money until 6-8 weeks into the program. I politely told the admissions person I wasn't interested and that finding a job was a bit more important and she was persistent. I still get calls and emails from her eventhough I've given her a hard no, I'm not interested.
I broke down around Christmas and asked my mom if there was any way at all that she could find a room for me there or a place for me. As I think I've mentioned before, they are hoarders ten times the extreme of what you see on those television shows. Her response was that there was just no place for me and it would take a lot of work to clean out a room. I was willing to live with dog feces and cat urine and mold and whatever other gross things live in their house to avoid homelessness and got shot down. I did get some pity cash for Christmas, though. Enough to buy some groceries and put towards January's bills.
I also tried to convey the message to several people that when I said I was going to be homeless soon, I wasn't joking or being overly dramatic. My friend Mandy stepped up and volunteered a neighbor's garage apartment and said she'd come get me if I got to that point. I told her that the end of January was that point, that if I didn't have a job by then and some sort of paycheck in February, then I was done. It was homelessness or suicide because I didn't think I'd survive homelessness. A few others stepped up with the offer of a home, too, when they realized I wasn't joking about this situation.
I got to have dinner with my friend Edmon before Christmas. That was nice. It was so nice to have human interaction. Other than leaving the house to run errands, look for work, etc I hadn't had any face to face contact with a friend since the week of my birthday in October.
My microwave died in December and my friend Shelley helped finance a new microwave.
I had just one real interview in the month of December for a sales position at a lawn care company. The hours and pay were dismal and the guy who interviewed me sniffed me as I was leaving and told me I smelled nice. He interviewed me wearing a brown turtleneck and gray sweatpants and creeped me out. They didn't offer me a job and I didn't really think they would because I told them I didn't feel safe going into parts of Hampton Roads alone to do door to door sales.
Abby and I had a low key Christmas and my wish to Santa was for the new year to bring me some new opportunities and things to look forward to. We felt badly that we couldn't shower everyone with gifts like usual but we did the best we could with what we had.
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green
December is the month I became overly aware of how little I visibly do to earn karma points. Not that I think I've been blazing a trail of bad juju and collecting bad karma points because I'd like to think in a world of fakes, I'm real; in a world of liars, I tell the truth; in a world of takers, I'm a giver, etc.
However, coming off of my "why me?" maelstrom that was November, I decided I needed to be more caring towards things that are important to me. Needed to shift some positive energy and send out some to get some back.
I found myself reading all of the community posts on craigslist at night and aching because there were so many people who needed toys for their kids, food for their families, jobs, cars, clothing. Most were written badly and part of me suspected that a good many of them were probably people who didn't need the money at all and just milking a sympathetic society. However, I'd read these posts and think, "How can I help?" I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to know that even during my darkest times, I could still help people. My friend Mandy has told me on more than one occasion that she is so worried that the whole experience of being constantly disappointed and hurt by people during my unemployment would cause me to become cold and less caring.
So, I took the $20 I had set aside for groceries the first week of December and bought a Christmas gift for some woman who said she was a disabled vet and needed something for her 3 year old grandson. I figured I could make someone happy. She wanted cash or gift cards. She may have scammed me. I don't know. But, I sent her an Amazon gift card for $20 and told her to get her grandson a toy. Another person posted that they needed food for their cats and were on a limited budget. I went through Abby's "I don't like that anymore" food stash and filled a paper shopping bag with treats and food. I met the person in the PetSmart parking lot. She said thank you and took the food. I hope she wasn't scamming me, but what could she do with a bag of opened yet still fresh cat food?
Then, I discovered a charity called For The Love of Alex. They help people who cannot afford pet vet costs and who have been denied credit for the care of their pets. If you've been reading my blog from the very beginning, you know that I suffered through having a cat get sick and have to be hospitalized. I remember the day I took her in because she was gasping for air and hadn't eaten for three days and they told me it would be over $1500 to hospitalize her, put her on fluids and medication and do an examination. I didn't have that kind of money. I applied for care credit and got denied. I was sitting there in the Vet ER with Molly in a crate trying to think of how to come up with the money to do this. I had $1530 in my savings account and I made the decision to transfer the funds and wipe out my savings and hand her over to the vet. I just couldn't believe that a vet wouldn't see a dying pet without payment up front. While I was there with Molly, a man came in carrying this big gray dog who had blood coming out its mouth and the receptionist would not let him go to the exam room with the dog until he paid. If I had the fortitude to deal with all sorts of animals, I'd go back to school to be a vet and be one who would allow payment plans and options.
I digress. This charity tugged at my heart strings and I became emotionally attached to the stories. So many fur babies needing help. I donated $2.00 - $3.00 whenever I could and promoted the site on my FB wall to generate interest. I even reached out to the charity admin to offer up my services as a writer or social media helper because I knew it had to be time consuming to deal with all of the comments and questions. She and I talked about how there were over a thousand people who posted "Praying" on one animal's post but she only received $150 in donations, total, over a three day period. I made the comment about how if each person just gave $1 every time they posted that they were praying, they could make a difference. I shared my own story with her, about being unemployed and getting that kind of stuff, too. Not that I expected every friend or acquaintance to give a dollar, but if money is the root of a problem, then it would just naturally occur to me to offer money AND emotional support. She (the admin) asked if she could feature Molly and Abby on her site for the holidays and share my story. I said yes. She asked if I'd be offended if she sent Abby a Christmas gift. I said no. She said it wouldn't come until after the new year, but she'd send something to help me out. A total stranger who didn't even know me wanted to help Abby. I was so touched.
I helped promote other people's crowd funding sites, donating as much as I could, when I could.
While trying to get my spiritual and karma energy back on track, I was still pressing forward with the job search.
I had to attend a mandatory meeting at the unemployment office the first week of December. It was a rehiring workshop to give us tips on how to get back to work faster. The basic message was "don't be picky" and the average age of the participants was 45ish. The one huge thing I got out of the workshop is that I was doing all of the right things to get a job. I just had a lot of competition.
I reached out to the finance company the second week of December and the recruiter responded that they were "still" trying to find the right fit, which was my way of knowing I wasn't going to be getting a job offer.
I came up with this brain child that I was going to reach out to all of the advertising, communications and marketing companies in town and offer my services for free as a way to get experience and get my foot in the door. I only heard back from two and they informed me that they only use college interns.
Every time a door would shut in my face, I'd go around to the back of the house and try to find a window to crawl through.
I tinkered with going back to school and got stalked by a college in Colorado. The only reason why I was considering it was because someone at the unemployment workshop mentioned that you could get student loans to help cover room and board while you go back to school and in my mind, I thought I could enroll in some kind of master's program, get the maximum student loan, pay rent for a month or two and take just the minimum number of credits to keep myself in active student status. Yeah, not the best idea I ever had. The college cost was going to be $36k for an 18 month program and the "most" I could get out of the student loan was going to be $1200 a semester and you didn't even see that money until 6-8 weeks into the program. I politely told the admissions person I wasn't interested and that finding a job was a bit more important and she was persistent. I still get calls and emails from her eventhough I've given her a hard no, I'm not interested.
I broke down around Christmas and asked my mom if there was any way at all that she could find a room for me there or a place for me. As I think I've mentioned before, they are hoarders ten times the extreme of what you see on those television shows. Her response was that there was just no place for me and it would take a lot of work to clean out a room. I was willing to live with dog feces and cat urine and mold and whatever other gross things live in their house to avoid homelessness and got shot down. I did get some pity cash for Christmas, though. Enough to buy some groceries and put towards January's bills.
I also tried to convey the message to several people that when I said I was going to be homeless soon, I wasn't joking or being overly dramatic. My friend Mandy stepped up and volunteered a neighbor's garage apartment and said she'd come get me if I got to that point. I told her that the end of January was that point, that if I didn't have a job by then and some sort of paycheck in February, then I was done. It was homelessness or suicide because I didn't think I'd survive homelessness. A few others stepped up with the offer of a home, too, when they realized I wasn't joking about this situation.
I got to have dinner with my friend Edmon before Christmas. That was nice. It was so nice to have human interaction. Other than leaving the house to run errands, look for work, etc I hadn't had any face to face contact with a friend since the week of my birthday in October.
My microwave died in December and my friend Shelley helped finance a new microwave.
I had just one real interview in the month of December for a sales position at a lawn care company. The hours and pay were dismal and the guy who interviewed me sniffed me as I was leaving and told me I smelled nice. He interviewed me wearing a brown turtleneck and gray sweatpants and creeped me out. They didn't offer me a job and I didn't really think they would because I told them I didn't feel safe going into parts of Hampton Roads alone to do door to door sales.
Abby and I had a low key Christmas and my wish to Santa was for the new year to bring me some new opportunities and things to look forward to. We felt badly that we couldn't shower everyone with gifts like usual but we did the best we could with what we had.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Facing Backwards
I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
from Living in the Moment, Jason Mraz
I use my past to help me understand my present and plan for the future, but I don't like to be someone who is constantly hashing over regrets from my past. I like to look forward and let my past be past.
Lessons learned. I move on.
This writing about the past is therapeutic and I hope that somewhere in all of this navel gazing and personal reflection, someone who reads these other than myself will find something that they can relate to, something that makes them not feel alone and maybe even something that makes them feel better about their own journey. For me, this is a way to have a record of what I've gone through so that when I'm old and withered, I can read these posts and laugh about how many experiences I've gone through and how I'm still alive.
A recent interviewer asked me to give one adjective to describe my life so far and I said "resilient" because no matter what gets tossed at me, no matter how low I go, I claw my way back out and keep moving forward. Even when I'm researching how many sleeping pills a person of my weight would have to take to effectively end life and not just cause brain damage for someone else to have to take care of.. even then... I'm thinking of the other things I could possibly do before I got to that point.
As October came to an end, I had nearly a month of unemployment under my belt and I'll be honest, it all felt like just taking an extended leave from work. I hadn't been happy there and the atmosphere was toxic most days. I would get sucked into the drama and negativity. I kept saying to myself that if I could have some time off, I could get my head back together and shake off the negative stuff attached to me. My company did me a favor of sorts by letting me go. It was not the best timing as I had no preparations made for it, but it did give me time to get my stuff together.
The interview mentioned in the previous blog about my unemployment had gone well and the HR person said that the next step was a meeting with the department heads that the position would be working for. She said I'd hear "something" by Wednesday of the following week. I was so sure I had gotten the job that I was looking at apartments in Hampton where the job was located. I didn't want to have to deal with the commute each day and my apartment complex's management company had properties in Hampton. I figured I could just transfer my lease and then beg able and willing friends to help me move.
Wednesday came and went and the glow started to wear off. I sent follow up emails which yielded no responses.
Then, one day, about two weeks after the interview, I noticed that another job had been posted by the company that had interviewed me and it had a different name, but all of the same job functions. I sent another email to the HR person asking if I could be considered for that one, too. I decided to play dumb and think of it as a second position. I finally got a response from the company that they had chosen another person over me. To console me, the HR person told me I was the second choice. It didn't help. Second place is just first loser in my book.
I hadn't stopped my daily routine while I was waiting. I was still getting up every day and plugging along. Applying for jobs and networking. Like the Energizer bunny, I kept going and going.
Around mid-November, my panic attacks and insomnia started to show up more frequently. I would lie in bed at night and just cry for hours because I was so scared. By mid November, most of the people who had been reaching out to me in October and sending me messages of support and such had disappeared into the woodwork. I had (and still have) a few dedicated souls who were perfect throughout this entire thing. They knew me well enough to know when to offer advice, when to ask how things are going, when to try to make me laugh, when to distract me, etc. I am so appreciative of those people who had my back and had faith in me when I didn't have faith in me. They knew that I didn't need links emailed to me about jobs. They knew I didn't need scripture or bible passages quoted to me. They knew I didn't need judgment and incredulous "They laid you off? Really?" type messages. I felt beat up explaining myself over and over. I needed people to just check on ME, talk to ME, give me something I could use... a couch to sleep on if I couldn't afford rent, the name of someone at a company who would take my resume directly, gift cards for fuel and food, coupons, etc. I would get preachy "you should be more positive" messages from people who obviously meant well but you can't just tell a person who is feeling like crap to smile and everything will be okay. Every night, I would look at my bank balance and mentally calculate how many days and how many dollars until I was homeless. It was frustrating and even worse, I wasn't allowed to be myself and tell these people to bugger off because they weren't helping. "What do you need? How can I help?" Those were what I needed to hear. I felt like most of the people in my life had decided that this was my mess to clean up and aside from tossing the casual "hang in there", they had no obligation to help me. "She's a tough bitch. She'll figure this out." I am tough. I am figuring it out. But, I'd like to not have to be the tough one. Just once.
Every time someone sent me a link to a job that I wasn't even remotely qualified for, I felt like they weren't trusting me to find a job or look for a job. I know part of it is that they don't know what it's like and they wanted to be helpful, but it wasn't helpful. I would receive messages from people wanting to tell me stories about someone they knew who was out of work for months, even years. I had people joking about my extended vacation. I had people "praying" for me and telling me to go to church and hand this over to God. Not to discount the power of prayer or the existence of a higher being, but I wasn't going to show up at some church only to tell everyone I needed help when I couldn't be bothered to go any other time. Prayers don't pay bills. My landlord takes dollars.
As November rolled to an end, my spirit started to really drag. No interviews were coming in. I had been applying for part time work, seasonal work, work at home gigs, temp jobs, contract jobs. If I felt remotely qualified, I'd apply. I was applying here, in Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Northern Virginia, and all parts of Hampton Roads.
I thought I was the shit when I started my job search because I arrogantly looked at my resume and said, "I am so smart. I am so skilled. I will have a job in no time flat." I also thought that the fact that I was currently unemployed would appeal to some. I could start right away. I was hungry. I was eager to work. Motivated to work. Desperate to work. It is very humbling to realize that compared to all of the other people who are applying for the very same jobs, I am unremarkable. There are probably 10 other people just like me. Maybe even younger and thinner and healthier. I know companies won't tell you that they take age and weight into consideration, but they do. I know they do. I used to be on the hiring side. Younger workers will work longer hours for less pay because they want to get promoted before they turn 30. The past two supervisors I had were almost 20 years younger than myself.
Right before Thanksgiving, I had an interview for a training position for a finance company. I had a very long phone interview with a recruiter then a face to face with two representatives of the company. About 10 minutes into the interview, I knew that there was no job for me. Oh, I was super qualified for it and could have done it in my sleep. However, when I asked when they hoped to fill the position, they looked at each other and laughed and said, "Well, we've been looking since June and when we find the right person, we'll know." When I asked if the position was to replace someone who left or a new position, they told me that the current trainer said that she needed help so they created this new position to help her. The way they said it made me feel like they were doing this to just appease some poor overworked person and that they were probably going back to said person and telling her that there were no good candidates. I knew I didn't want to work for a company like that but I also knew that I couldn't say no if they offered because I really needed a job. They said I'd hear "sometime after the holiday".
I knew that the week of Thanksgiving would be a miss for any sort of interviews and contacts, so I gave myself most of the week off. I pretended I was on vacation and didn't stress myself out as much about getting in X number applications per day. I played games online. I watched television. I slept in. I stayed up late. I bought Boston Market.
Still, at night, when everything was quiet and I was all alone with myself and my thoughts, I would lie there and feel helpless and hopeless. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Is God trying to teach me a lesson of some sort?
The worst part is that when everyone I knew was posting all of the things they were grateful for and gearing up for the holidays, I was sinking into a deep depression because I did have things to be grateful for but the things I didn't have stood out more. Yeah, I hated my job, but I did it well and would have gone on forever doing it because I needed it. But, being without one, even with the small unemployment checks I received, and not having anything or anyone else around to help... it makes a person question just about everything in their life.
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
from Living in the Moment, Jason Mraz
I use my past to help me understand my present and plan for the future, but I don't like to be someone who is constantly hashing over regrets from my past. I like to look forward and let my past be past.
Lessons learned. I move on.
This writing about the past is therapeutic and I hope that somewhere in all of this navel gazing and personal reflection, someone who reads these other than myself will find something that they can relate to, something that makes them not feel alone and maybe even something that makes them feel better about their own journey. For me, this is a way to have a record of what I've gone through so that when I'm old and withered, I can read these posts and laugh about how many experiences I've gone through and how I'm still alive.
A recent interviewer asked me to give one adjective to describe my life so far and I said "resilient" because no matter what gets tossed at me, no matter how low I go, I claw my way back out and keep moving forward. Even when I'm researching how many sleeping pills a person of my weight would have to take to effectively end life and not just cause brain damage for someone else to have to take care of.. even then... I'm thinking of the other things I could possibly do before I got to that point.
As October came to an end, I had nearly a month of unemployment under my belt and I'll be honest, it all felt like just taking an extended leave from work. I hadn't been happy there and the atmosphere was toxic most days. I would get sucked into the drama and negativity. I kept saying to myself that if I could have some time off, I could get my head back together and shake off the negative stuff attached to me. My company did me a favor of sorts by letting me go. It was not the best timing as I had no preparations made for it, but it did give me time to get my stuff together.
The interview mentioned in the previous blog about my unemployment had gone well and the HR person said that the next step was a meeting with the department heads that the position would be working for. She said I'd hear "something" by Wednesday of the following week. I was so sure I had gotten the job that I was looking at apartments in Hampton where the job was located. I didn't want to have to deal with the commute each day and my apartment complex's management company had properties in Hampton. I figured I could just transfer my lease and then beg able and willing friends to help me move.
Wednesday came and went and the glow started to wear off. I sent follow up emails which yielded no responses.
Then, one day, about two weeks after the interview, I noticed that another job had been posted by the company that had interviewed me and it had a different name, but all of the same job functions. I sent another email to the HR person asking if I could be considered for that one, too. I decided to play dumb and think of it as a second position. I finally got a response from the company that they had chosen another person over me. To console me, the HR person told me I was the second choice. It didn't help. Second place is just first loser in my book.
I hadn't stopped my daily routine while I was waiting. I was still getting up every day and plugging along. Applying for jobs and networking. Like the Energizer bunny, I kept going and going.
Around mid-November, my panic attacks and insomnia started to show up more frequently. I would lie in bed at night and just cry for hours because I was so scared. By mid November, most of the people who had been reaching out to me in October and sending me messages of support and such had disappeared into the woodwork. I had (and still have) a few dedicated souls who were perfect throughout this entire thing. They knew me well enough to know when to offer advice, when to ask how things are going, when to try to make me laugh, when to distract me, etc. I am so appreciative of those people who had my back and had faith in me when I didn't have faith in me. They knew that I didn't need links emailed to me about jobs. They knew I didn't need scripture or bible passages quoted to me. They knew I didn't need judgment and incredulous "They laid you off? Really?" type messages. I felt beat up explaining myself over and over. I needed people to just check on ME, talk to ME, give me something I could use... a couch to sleep on if I couldn't afford rent, the name of someone at a company who would take my resume directly, gift cards for fuel and food, coupons, etc. I would get preachy "you should be more positive" messages from people who obviously meant well but you can't just tell a person who is feeling like crap to smile and everything will be okay. Every night, I would look at my bank balance and mentally calculate how many days and how many dollars until I was homeless. It was frustrating and even worse, I wasn't allowed to be myself and tell these people to bugger off because they weren't helping. "What do you need? How can I help?" Those were what I needed to hear. I felt like most of the people in my life had decided that this was my mess to clean up and aside from tossing the casual "hang in there", they had no obligation to help me. "She's a tough bitch. She'll figure this out." I am tough. I am figuring it out. But, I'd like to not have to be the tough one. Just once.
Every time someone sent me a link to a job that I wasn't even remotely qualified for, I felt like they weren't trusting me to find a job or look for a job. I know part of it is that they don't know what it's like and they wanted to be helpful, but it wasn't helpful. I would receive messages from people wanting to tell me stories about someone they knew who was out of work for months, even years. I had people joking about my extended vacation. I had people "praying" for me and telling me to go to church and hand this over to God. Not to discount the power of prayer or the existence of a higher being, but I wasn't going to show up at some church only to tell everyone I needed help when I couldn't be bothered to go any other time. Prayers don't pay bills. My landlord takes dollars.
As November rolled to an end, my spirit started to really drag. No interviews were coming in. I had been applying for part time work, seasonal work, work at home gigs, temp jobs, contract jobs. If I felt remotely qualified, I'd apply. I was applying here, in Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Northern Virginia, and all parts of Hampton Roads.
I thought I was the shit when I started my job search because I arrogantly looked at my resume and said, "I am so smart. I am so skilled. I will have a job in no time flat." I also thought that the fact that I was currently unemployed would appeal to some. I could start right away. I was hungry. I was eager to work. Motivated to work. Desperate to work. It is very humbling to realize that compared to all of the other people who are applying for the very same jobs, I am unremarkable. There are probably 10 other people just like me. Maybe even younger and thinner and healthier. I know companies won't tell you that they take age and weight into consideration, but they do. I know they do. I used to be on the hiring side. Younger workers will work longer hours for less pay because they want to get promoted before they turn 30. The past two supervisors I had were almost 20 years younger than myself.
Right before Thanksgiving, I had an interview for a training position for a finance company. I had a very long phone interview with a recruiter then a face to face with two representatives of the company. About 10 minutes into the interview, I knew that there was no job for me. Oh, I was super qualified for it and could have done it in my sleep. However, when I asked when they hoped to fill the position, they looked at each other and laughed and said, "Well, we've been looking since June and when we find the right person, we'll know." When I asked if the position was to replace someone who left or a new position, they told me that the current trainer said that she needed help so they created this new position to help her. The way they said it made me feel like they were doing this to just appease some poor overworked person and that they were probably going back to said person and telling her that there were no good candidates. I knew I didn't want to work for a company like that but I also knew that I couldn't say no if they offered because I really needed a job. They said I'd hear "sometime after the holiday".
I knew that the week of Thanksgiving would be a miss for any sort of interviews and contacts, so I gave myself most of the week off. I pretended I was on vacation and didn't stress myself out as much about getting in X number applications per day. I played games online. I watched television. I slept in. I stayed up late. I bought Boston Market.
Still, at night, when everything was quiet and I was all alone with myself and my thoughts, I would lie there and feel helpless and hopeless. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Is God trying to teach me a lesson of some sort?
The worst part is that when everyone I knew was posting all of the things they were grateful for and gearing up for the holidays, I was sinking into a deep depression because I did have things to be grateful for but the things I didn't have stood out more. Yeah, I hated my job, but I did it well and would have gone on forever doing it because I needed it. But, being without one, even with the small unemployment checks I received, and not having anything or anyone else around to help... it makes a person question just about everything in their life.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
All About That Bass
Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places
I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
C'mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top
from All About That Bass
It's not a secret that I am a big person. Bigger than big, actually. I don't like being big but I dislike exercise more than I dislike being big. I could give you excuses for why I'm big - medical problems, medications, genetics, environment, budget, depression - but I won't. I know I am big. I know what I need to do to not be big. I just struggle with exercise because I hate it. I've tried all sorts of fun things to make it more appealing but I can't make myself do it. Not alone or with a friend. This blog is not about that, though.
This blog is about my disappointment in television shows about obese people. Reality shows about what it's like to be an obese person.
A few years ago, there was a show called Ruby about this morbidly obese woman in Georgia trying to lose weight and cameras followed her around while she bitched and moaned for two seasons with people enabling her to be fat and whiny. She had a roommate, lived off of disability because she said she had health issues that prevented her from working (yet they didn't prevent her from filming a tv show), and had a fabulous gay male friend and a chubby female friend to hang out with. She also had a manipulative ex boyfriend who would show up every now and then to reinforce that big women can get laid by seemingly normal and even attractive men on occasion. I liked the show initially because she seemed positive and upbeat and making strides to change public opinion of obese people. Then, it just became a show about her whining and bitching about life, getting frustrated and it was the same old same old over and over. I felt frustrated that they couldn't show what it's like for a person who has a job and doesn't have overly supportive and fabulous gay besties to help her stay fluffy and wonderful. The show eventually got cancelled.
Now, there's a show called My Big Fat Fabulous Life based on this woman who is a dancer who put a video of herself dancing and TLC decided she would be interesting enough for an entire reality show. I mean -- omg, a fat girl who can dance? What are the chances?
Well, of course, she lives in the South, too, lives with her parents, doesn't have a job and has, you guessed it, a fabulous gay male friend or two. She even has a chubby female friend and a straight male friend who used to be a boyfriend. It's Ruby 2.0. Only - this show is different. It's different because this woman was once skinny. She was an aspiring dancer. Then, she was diagnosed with a disease that caused her gain a lot of weight in a short period of time. She loves to point out that no matter what, she's going to be big and keep gaining weight, so any weight she loses is to either maintain her current weight or to make room for future gain. She emphasizes that she can be fit and fat at the same time and that aside from her illness, she is no different than anyone else. However, as the show has progressed, there hasn't really been much emphasis on that. She eats mayonnaise and banana sandwiches for breakfast and complains when her doting dad makes her protein based meals.
As I'm watching her ask her mom to shave her legs for her because she's too big to do it and as she changes clothing in the middle of a public parking lot because her ass ripped a hole in her stretch pants, it occurred to me that as much as I like to clamor for fat acceptance in this world and for people to understand what it's like, as long as there are shows like this on, no one will ever really take being fat as something that they need to understand. It's not a disability or handicap. It's a life choice.
I want to see a show about real people trying to make their marks.. not people who live with their parents and whose sole claim to fame is the fact that they did a dance video. She is trying to prove to everyone that she is still that thin person she once was and flip flops from wanting acceptance as a fat person to wanting to be a thin person. She cries one moment because people are mean and then flips her hair and becomes super sassy the next, as if it's no biggee. She doesn't seem authentic. The woman is a slob and sadly, like the previous show, just reinforces a common stereotype about obese people -- that we're lazy, dirty, sloppy and make bad food choices and deserve to be ridiculed because if we had more gumption and more motivation, then we'd just stop being obese.
Another startling reality I had while watching the show is that I don't feel comfortable seeing other morbidly obese people. I'm not talking about overweight or curvy people. I'm talking about those people who are hundreds of pounds overweight, like myself. In my head, I'm not obese. In my dreams, I'm not obese. Most women look in a mirror and see a person who is bigger. I look in the mirror and think that the mirror is lying and that I'm really smaller than what I'm seeing. It's not until I see a photo or video of myself that I realize it's "real". It's not until I try on clothing that is the size of a small tent and realize it's real. Other than the gym thing, I don't have any of the other traits. I'm tidy. I'm organized. I don't chow down on junk food. I can shave my legs. I am not gross and I do not have a fabulous gay best friend. Or an attractive brooding ex boyfriend. I am lazy in the sense that I don't like to go to the gym, and that I will choose a nap over going to the gym, but you won't find me lying on the sofa eating chips or complaining to my faboo gay bestie about my life. Unless I'm sick, I try to do something. Just not exercise.
I think that is why I have such a hard time with my self confidence and self esteem. I represent something I find unattractive and unappealing. I don't want to believe it. I want to be okay with it. I'm not. I feel like I should apologize for being fat and for taking up space. Yet, I can't make myself change it. Self sabotage, anyone?
This also makes me wonder why I want to see a show on fat acceptance with real fat people and not internet created sensations. Is my own disgust based on the fact that I don't believe anyone else can find a fat person to be attractive and without the negative connotations that come with being fat? Or, am I the voice of reason for people who are fooling themselves by believing that as long as they proclaim that they are okay with being fat and that their lives are fabulous then it shall be so?
A long time ago, I had a conversation with a therapist who suggested that I refuse to lose weight because as long as I'm fat, it's my protection, my barrier from the real world. I can say men won't date me because I'm fat. I can say I can't do something I don't want to do because I'm fat. I can say I don't have many friends because I'm fat. I can let people laugh at me and mock me because I'm fat. But, if I lose the weight and all of the things still exist, then what will I blame it on then?
While I've been unemployed (and yes, I know that I left a cliffhanger at the end of the last blog, but I'm pretty sure you can figure out I didn't get the job), all I keep thinking about is how I need to make a change in my personal life.
But, what if I make a change and nothing changes? Will I be just like a cancelled reality show that missed the mark? What if I'm just like everyone else?
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places
I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
C'mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top
from All About That Bass
It's not a secret that I am a big person. Bigger than big, actually. I don't like being big but I dislike exercise more than I dislike being big. I could give you excuses for why I'm big - medical problems, medications, genetics, environment, budget, depression - but I won't. I know I am big. I know what I need to do to not be big. I just struggle with exercise because I hate it. I've tried all sorts of fun things to make it more appealing but I can't make myself do it. Not alone or with a friend. This blog is not about that, though.
This blog is about my disappointment in television shows about obese people. Reality shows about what it's like to be an obese person.
A few years ago, there was a show called Ruby about this morbidly obese woman in Georgia trying to lose weight and cameras followed her around while she bitched and moaned for two seasons with people enabling her to be fat and whiny. She had a roommate, lived off of disability because she said she had health issues that prevented her from working (yet they didn't prevent her from filming a tv show), and had a fabulous gay male friend and a chubby female friend to hang out with. She also had a manipulative ex boyfriend who would show up every now and then to reinforce that big women can get laid by seemingly normal and even attractive men on occasion. I liked the show initially because she seemed positive and upbeat and making strides to change public opinion of obese people. Then, it just became a show about her whining and bitching about life, getting frustrated and it was the same old same old over and over. I felt frustrated that they couldn't show what it's like for a person who has a job and doesn't have overly supportive and fabulous gay besties to help her stay fluffy and wonderful. The show eventually got cancelled.
Now, there's a show called My Big Fat Fabulous Life based on this woman who is a dancer who put a video of herself dancing and TLC decided she would be interesting enough for an entire reality show. I mean -- omg, a fat girl who can dance? What are the chances?
Well, of course, she lives in the South, too, lives with her parents, doesn't have a job and has, you guessed it, a fabulous gay male friend or two. She even has a chubby female friend and a straight male friend who used to be a boyfriend. It's Ruby 2.0. Only - this show is different. It's different because this woman was once skinny. She was an aspiring dancer. Then, she was diagnosed with a disease that caused her gain a lot of weight in a short period of time. She loves to point out that no matter what, she's going to be big and keep gaining weight, so any weight she loses is to either maintain her current weight or to make room for future gain. She emphasizes that she can be fit and fat at the same time and that aside from her illness, she is no different than anyone else. However, as the show has progressed, there hasn't really been much emphasis on that. She eats mayonnaise and banana sandwiches for breakfast and complains when her doting dad makes her protein based meals.
As I'm watching her ask her mom to shave her legs for her because she's too big to do it and as she changes clothing in the middle of a public parking lot because her ass ripped a hole in her stretch pants, it occurred to me that as much as I like to clamor for fat acceptance in this world and for people to understand what it's like, as long as there are shows like this on, no one will ever really take being fat as something that they need to understand. It's not a disability or handicap. It's a life choice.
I want to see a show about real people trying to make their marks.. not people who live with their parents and whose sole claim to fame is the fact that they did a dance video. She is trying to prove to everyone that she is still that thin person she once was and flip flops from wanting acceptance as a fat person to wanting to be a thin person. She cries one moment because people are mean and then flips her hair and becomes super sassy the next, as if it's no biggee. She doesn't seem authentic. The woman is a slob and sadly, like the previous show, just reinforces a common stereotype about obese people -- that we're lazy, dirty, sloppy and make bad food choices and deserve to be ridiculed because if we had more gumption and more motivation, then we'd just stop being obese.
Another startling reality I had while watching the show is that I don't feel comfortable seeing other morbidly obese people. I'm not talking about overweight or curvy people. I'm talking about those people who are hundreds of pounds overweight, like myself. In my head, I'm not obese. In my dreams, I'm not obese. Most women look in a mirror and see a person who is bigger. I look in the mirror and think that the mirror is lying and that I'm really smaller than what I'm seeing. It's not until I see a photo or video of myself that I realize it's "real". It's not until I try on clothing that is the size of a small tent and realize it's real. Other than the gym thing, I don't have any of the other traits. I'm tidy. I'm organized. I don't chow down on junk food. I can shave my legs. I am not gross and I do not have a fabulous gay best friend. Or an attractive brooding ex boyfriend. I am lazy in the sense that I don't like to go to the gym, and that I will choose a nap over going to the gym, but you won't find me lying on the sofa eating chips or complaining to my faboo gay bestie about my life. Unless I'm sick, I try to do something. Just not exercise.
I think that is why I have such a hard time with my self confidence and self esteem. I represent something I find unattractive and unappealing. I don't want to believe it. I want to be okay with it. I'm not. I feel like I should apologize for being fat and for taking up space. Yet, I can't make myself change it. Self sabotage, anyone?
This also makes me wonder why I want to see a show on fat acceptance with real fat people and not internet created sensations. Is my own disgust based on the fact that I don't believe anyone else can find a fat person to be attractive and without the negative connotations that come with being fat? Or, am I the voice of reason for people who are fooling themselves by believing that as long as they proclaim that they are okay with being fat and that their lives are fabulous then it shall be so?
A long time ago, I had a conversation with a therapist who suggested that I refuse to lose weight because as long as I'm fat, it's my protection, my barrier from the real world. I can say men won't date me because I'm fat. I can say I can't do something I don't want to do because I'm fat. I can say I don't have many friends because I'm fat. I can let people laugh at me and mock me because I'm fat. But, if I lose the weight and all of the things still exist, then what will I blame it on then?
While I've been unemployed (and yes, I know that I left a cliffhanger at the end of the last blog, but I'm pretty sure you can figure out I didn't get the job), all I keep thinking about is how I need to make a change in my personal life.
But, what if I make a change and nothing changes? Will I be just like a cancelled reality show that missed the mark? What if I'm just like everyone else?
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